Yankee, when will the time be right for you to get your driver's license?

While my husband has not been physically abusive to me, he has been emotionally and verbally abusive and tried to control most of my life with him. He was that way for a long, long time, and I pretty much felt like I was some horrible wife that deserved it, although I kicked and screamed and fought against it. The problem was that I was fighting in the wrong way.

However, I grew a backbone and started standing up for myself in an appropriate manner. I NO LONGER ALLOW him to verbally abuse me. He still has some emotional issues, but I call him on those, too. I have regained control of myself. I have set boundaries on how I allow people to treat me. If my husband tries any verbal or emotional abuse, I tell him that I will not be around him while he treats me like that, and then I either go wander around Walmart for a while or go out to my hobby/craft shed and lock myself in. This is not being disrespectful to him, but it is not allowing him to be disrespectful to me. I cannot control his actions, but I can control MINE.

Yankee, you are deserving of respect as a woman. You are NOT a little girl anymore, even though your husband has tried to keep you in a little girl stage of life.

And, you and your husband should know that my regaining control of myself and refusing to accept my husband's verbal abuse does not mean that I will leave my husband, or that I do not love him. It means that I love ME, too.

Mr. Yankee, if you're reading this, you need to get counseling in anger management and STOP HITTING YOUR WIFE.

Stop being a control freak in regard to her, Controlling every aspect of her life just shows that YOU are a weak and insecure man. Are you really afraid that if she finds out that MOST women have choices and that not ALL men are like you, that she will leave you?

If so, you have really got it all backwards.

Also, I hope that you have left little girls alone and that your wife is the only little girl with whom you committed statutory rape. I really hope that you haven't raped anyone else, ever. That, in itself, shows what a weak man you are...needing to have power over a LITTLE GIRL, and especially one who had already been raped. That was totally despicable and you shuold be ashamed of yourself and begging for her forgiveness. Actually, you should be in prison, but your wife apparently still loves you, in spite of your abuse.

So, when are you going to take her for driving lessons and to get her learners' permit? If she doesn't know anything about your finances, you need to teach her. Her position of needing to know how to do things if something happens to you is a valid one.

People have been knows to drop dead of a heartattack at 50.
I do not wish that upon you, but what do you think would happen to your wife if you did...especially if she doesn't know much more about how to manage her life than a child would know?

Well, here's a likely scenario:

Assume you kick the bucket. You can bet your boots that other abusive men will pick up on your wife's vulnerabilities. If you have any property/money at all, they will offer to handle things for her, so you can bet they would clean her out. Oh, and while they're at it, hey...might as well have a little fun with her, too. Having been raped from the time she was a little girl and without ever getting any REAL help to deal with that and having been abused by her husband, you wife is likely to think that is NORMAL. Oh...but if she protests, they'll just knock her around a little...make her behave and teach her a lesson, you know? One of them might hit her just the wrong way, though, or actually be so brutal that the KILLS her. And, all because she was never allowed to grow up and learn how to take care of herself.

If you REALLY LOVE YOUR WIFE, unhook the leash. I'm not talking about her leaving you. I'm talking about letting the little girl in her go. HELP her become a strong woman who can deal with life's issues. And, doing so might just help make her love for you grow even stronger.

Keeping someone totally dependent on you is cruel.

Yankee,

I get the question. I remember asking our marital counselor something similar once...and I figured out I was trying to check my reality...because I distrusted my own thoughts very much.

I put things in right and wrong categories...sorting through anything that occurred, what I wanted, what I didn't want and judged them...putting the right to the right, the wrong to the left.

Didn't help me to see reality...where I ended and where my DH began.

I get it. Our MC thought it very obvious...to me, clouded.

Were you asking about the driver's license, though, how to ask to get him to say yes? Or asking if he was right or wrong? Was it part of the sorting? Am I close?

Switching roles here:

Sure would be scary to have my wife of 23 years ask me now about helping her get a driver's license. Not her doing...my insecurity, how much I being her all...how it made me feel. I could trust her, though, because she's radically honest with me...tells me everything. My own worries/insecurities aren't about reality...just about me.

And if I feared ridicule and my wife leaving me, I wouldn't want her exposing her life, our marriage, anywhere...again, from my own fears...me reacting to my fears, not holding them, and not acting from them. Which would bring deeper intimacy with my wife, in reality.

Might come from you saying your love for him is a debt...you're indebted to him. You are his equal, Yankee. You love him not from debt/gratitude, from your own choice...freewill...you choose him, every day, as your husband. That's mighty powerful...love does conquer fear...doesn't eradicate it. We fear our partners will choose differently, one day, out of the blue. We focus on their choices, not our own...see your own.

Loving him from your choice, your belief, is real...not from debt...and yes, knowing how grateful and blessed you are is part of our experience of loving feelings. Like anything else, too much is as dangerous as not enough.

The hitting though...no one deserves, no matter how much stress or intense emotions they are feeling...to hit anyone, ever. No excuse, no rationalization...nothing. The big Love Buster...because you are equals, hitting can feel parental...when it's really a childish permission, instead. May make you feel powerful, the cause, control and cure for all things HIM...and you are not. Don't volunteer for fantasy, 'k? Treat your H with respect...call the cops if he hits you...get out of the way of his consequences...so he can respect you more, too. Not making him do anything...we really don't. Even the love deposits we make into our partner's account have to be allowed by them.

And by us. Where you are right now in your life...what brought you here...God's lead...your choice...your willingness...I hope you'll stay, nourish your half of your marriage and nurture your soul.

Not to leave or stay...like sorting right and wrong...leaving and staying are two ends of choices...with a thousand more in the middle we won't see when we're only looking at one or the other.

You aren't crazy, bad, defective or wrong...and certainly not alone. Nor is your H. We grow up experiencing a love relationship in the parental form...difficult to learn the partnering kind. Part of our journey with our spouses...and how to partner ourselves, too.

Thanks for being brave and persistent, Yank. Hey, what's with the Yankee screen name if you're in the south?

LA

medc,



I agree.