I probably shouldnt be asking, but I found this site and there are so many people on here, I just thought someone might be able to help me. I have been married to a wonderful guy for 23 years now and I have been thinking lately that I would like to have a drivers license, the problem is he dosent. he said he has been taking me everywhere I need to go and he said he wont hear of it. I tried to tell him that if he ever got sick or something I would not be able to take him to the hospital, but he wont hear of it.He said I am too old to get one now anyway,but I am only 38 and I dont think that is too old? I was hopeing someone here could give me some advise on a great way to ask him without him getting so upset with me?

if this is for real....then your getting a drivers license is the least of your problems. Why does your husband have so much control over you?

Do you have friends?

Do you get to go out of the house without your H?

What makes your H wonderful?

Does he physically or verbally abuse you in any way?

Do you have children?

gosh i was just trying to get some help, and why are you mean to me? do I have friends no I cant I am too busy with everything I need to do and no I cant get out of the house ,I cant drive,and you dont know my husband he tries to do everything for me so I dont have to, and yes we have children 6 . I guess this was the wrong place to ask that question sorry.

what was mean about my post to you?

I don't think 38 is too old. My mother got her drivers license when she was 41. She just never had a need for it before that as far as she was concerned. But then again, my father didn't try to talk her out of it and actually gave her driving lessons so she could pass her test.

But I'd like to hear the answers to the questions MEDC asked.

Mark

you did answer all of the questions except for his physically or verbally abusing you...is there a reason that you avoided that question?

slow down there and cool your jets MEDC was just trying to get some back ground......6 children wow...I give you snaps girl.....I think what we worrys about is if your husband is very controlling.....I know if I had 6 kids with all there activities......2 parents would need to be available to help get them around and if there was a medical emergency and he wasn't around.....I couldn't sit by and wait for him to get there. He should not "do it all" marriage is 50/50.

people that do "everything for you" are often times trying to make you dependent on them...under their control. Couple that with your having no friends, not ever getting out without your H and his having an issue with you getting a drivers license...your situation SCREAMS abuse.

Do you want help?

if this is for real....then your getting a drivers license is the least of your problems. Why does your husband have so much control over you? I just thought that was mean he just takes care of me, and you dont know him, he saved my life when I was very young and I owe him so much for that. anyway I shouldnt have asked the question,I was wrong sorry.

does he hit you? ever? how much older than you is he? How old are you now? (okay 38)

Let's back up. I work with abuse victims every day. I have learned to recognize signs that are "markers" for abuse. Your situation is off the charts in terms of these markers. I can help you if you need help. Please try to not be defensive and just let us know what is really going on.

Sweetie you have given him your love and 6 beautiful children....you don't OWE him anything. What would happen if god forbid he passed away and you were TOTALLY dependant on him? You need to have some independance and strength....you have 6 children who would look to you if something happened to him. It's not wrong for you to ask the question....just be prepaired for opinions.....some you may not want to hear....maybe because they don't agree with your husbands point of view.

okay, so you got married when you were 15? How old is your H now? How did he save your life? How old were you when you met him?

why is everyone always saying abuse I hate that word and it is like everyone just wants to scream abuse to get out of a marriage .doesnt anyone even remember their vowes and dont you think if someone did something rilly rilly good for you that you would owe them something rilly big and as far as my age I am 38 and he is 49

Okay...right off the bat...he was 26 years old marrying a 15 year old?

You still have not answered the question about abuse. Does he hit you? How old were you when you first had sexual relations with him?
Do you reside in the United States?

Is there any chance he is sexually abusing any of your children?

I thought the reasons you gave him were good ones, Yankee.

You said if anything happened to him you would need to drive. That is a good reason. Not one that would cause upset.

You also have 6 children and will very, very likely need to drive them all over the place as they get older and involved in after-school activities. In fact you will be expected to be a regular teenager taxi service.

Keep talking and posting. We''ll figure out a way to get you that drivers license. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

oh my gosh he would never hurt our children, and all of our kids are grown up and moved out married with their own children. And yes I know I was young when We met I was 13 but I was very mature for 13 not a child at all, and yes we live in the US we live in South Carolina

He saved your life and now you're giving him yours. IMO, him "doing everything for you" isn't helping you unless you're disabled in some way. Life is waiting for you outside your front door.

You obviously want to get a driver's license. Why? If you say he's not controlling you and he's such a great guy, then why not spend the rest of your life depending on him? It doesn't seem to bother you that much.

What's the purpose of the driver's license? In case he gets sick? Well, that's our point right there. That's why it's important for people to be independant. It's why kids grow up and leave their parents home and go out on their own... because depending on someone for the rest of your life isn't feasible.

Does he know you even posted this question here? I bet he'd be ticked if he knew....

did you have sexual relations with him when he was 24 and you 13??? Do you realize that is considered rape?

at 13 you are a child...no matter how mature you THINK you are.

So, once again...does he hit you? And if so...how often and for what?

Do you ever feel like you deserve to be hit?

Are you Really Rosie, or are you Rosie Real?

I'm sorry but your post just smacked of the novel, Rose Madder.

I think you should read it. Is your H's name Norman? Is he a police officer?

I'm serious, though. Read it.

Oh, and the DL thing? My great-aunt didn't get hers until after my uncle passed away. I think she was in her 60's then.

well I guess you are right I should be happy and just not worry about driving, I probably wouldnt know where to drive anyway. I should not have even asked.sorry everyone

no one said that.....don't read into things

what we have said it that YES you need some independance

second of all it is a little worry some that a 24 year old got involved with a 13 year old.....if a girl ever tried that with my son first thing I would have him tell her is that mom has a shotgun. Did he take you from an abusive home or something is that why he's such a hero to you?

Yankee:

There is a lot going on here, not just a driver's license issue.

If you need help, please don't be in a hurry to discard the advice on this site.

Bottom line: You need the capability to assume all the responsibilities of an adult. If your spouse agrees to still do them for you, that is fine, but he should not keep you from learning how to do them. That is not helpful, but being in control of you.

What if he can't do something because he is busy? What if you need to go to the emergency room? What if something happens to him?

You have an obligation to learn all things related to being an adult, and he should support you, not hinder you.

Ask yourself this question, why would a loving spouse want to hinder my freedom?

MEDC is a very caring person, albeit might appear as blunt sometimes, but very caring and well intentioned. I can assure you of that. The care is from other people here.

People are only trying to help you.

Abuse is a strong word, I agree. But control of a spouse can be a form of abuse. It's not physical but psychological. I'm not saying your H is abusive or controling, but I do see some signs of control as others have seen in your posts. Creating dependence in one's spouse is a way to control them.

BTW, my own mother got her drivers licence at 40, so it's definitely not impossible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Driving is fun, it's a good thing to go for a ride, listen to the radio/ed and relax. Especially if you can avoid the 85 mph speedway freakway.

You should be able to drive. If your H is as nice and caring about you as you say, he will understand that it is something you have always wanted. A secret dream of yours. To be able to drive.

Try that one on him.

And keep posting. You remind me of someone in a book, too. I'm glad you are here.

So you are 38 now...married 23 years...taking you to 15 when you got married.

You've had 6 kids and they are ALL out the home, married with kids.

It's impossible...unless you had quadruplets.

This MUST be a polygamy situation and Marriage Builders is likely irrelevant.

Her husband should be turned into the authorities...he was (and remains) a child molester.

Mr. Wondering

*Mdec...Polygamy explains why she was so defensive

If you became involved with this man at 13, there are much bigger problems here than obtaining a drivers license.

Do you have any family around?
What were the circumstances surrounding the beginning of your contact with the person you are married to?

I am sorry, from what you have already described here, it sounds like you are caught in a cycle of abuse. A 13 year old getting involved with an adult is not a "relationship"... If that is indeed the case, he is a sexual predator.

OMG, I missed this. You are right it is technically and mathematically impossible

oh man you all read alot into everything I had my first child at 14 boy had my twins 10 months later and when I was 16 I has my last baby, we took in my oldest sisters 2 when they were 14 and raised them all and we are not a pologimist (probably not spelled correctly) and my husband saved my life he took me from a horrible situation,we dont speak to my family now or his so we only have each other

so was I right...he took you from an abusive home.......or did the situation turn bad because both your parents didn't want you two invovled together?

Can we just help her get her drivers license?

It is not technically impossible to have 6 kids starting at 15 and for all of them to be out of the home 23 years later. Especially if they left home and married young too.

Child marriages are not that uncommon in SC. Especially rural SC.

She says he is not abusive, whether or not that is true, she still has to start somewhre.

Her drivers license is a very good start IMO.

And for the record, I would kill a man who laid a hand on my 13 yo. But apparently her parents didn't give a rats patooty.

Yankee,

Just a little advice about this board. You are getting defensive, because some here are jumping to unfounded conclusions ... you are not alone.

Check out Sadwife's thread from yesterday:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3330855

She left the board after ONLY ONE DAY over baseless accusations and erroneous assumptions. Just read the thread and some of the advice at the end about how to deal with some of the more over-zealous posters here and you will get the help you seek without having to deal with other the BS.

However, you may have posted your question in the wrong forum as I haven't seen any mention of infidelity in your post. Here in the infidelity sections, its pretty easy to assume the worst, as a lot of us are living through the "worst" that we've experienced right now. You may get more support and better advice in one of the less "stessful" forums.

Good Luck to you, and I hope you get your DL soon.

where have I seen this kind of responding before...

oh yeah.... I remember now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

this is pathetic. Seriously. People come here for help, the majority tees off into them about crap they have NO idea about... and then the group walks away with egg on their faces and the new poster runs away.

does ANYONE remember how to ask questions about things BEFORE you draw conclusions?

wow first a yankee and now a patriot....we have a theme goin people... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Weaver..where did she say he doesn't hit her?

And it doesn't matter if it is common or not...it is rape by ANY definition.

MYREV...shaddup

I googled yankee_29164 and had a few interesting hits.

A person with that same screen name is a new member at a polygamist web site:

www.4theFamily.us

That makes a little sense based on the description.



THIS WAS PASSED ON TO ME BY ANOTHER MB'ER.

She wants to get a drivers license. Is it okay for a rape victim to get a drivers license? Is it okay for her question to be answered?

Weaver ... are you really as clueless as you are coming across with this situation?

"Unfounded conclusion"?????

So does that place you firmly in the camp of it's OK for a 24 year old man to have sex and impregnant a 13 year old and a 15 year old?

I didn't think so.

23 years later and he's still reaping the "rewards" of saving his wife's life...and she better not forget it.

Her husband is her capture.

Why isn't this child molester in jail?

Mr. Wondering

Well apparently.

How is it helpful to put her on the defensive and run her off?

Everyone on this board knows it is rape, especially me.

Wow MyRev... I hadn't seen that thread. Not surprising really....

well I dont think it was rape and it is not anyones business wether i get hit or not I was not asking for advice with that anyway. and I am sorry for making everyone so mad here, I probably wont post here again anyway

YES, "UNFOUNDED CONCLUSIONS"

Different time, different place, different individuals ... she appears to be OK with her marital situation, other than wanting a DL, so who am I or YOU to criticize her life choices or label her husband a criminal.

My own mother was 15 when she married in the south in 1958 ... my father was 20, and they dated for a year or so before they were married ... and we're sending them on a trip to the Mayan Riveria in January for the honeymoon they never had on their 50th wedding anniversay.

Technically, when viewing that situation through the 2007 lens, my father is a statutory rapist who has been on the run for 50 years. See how ridiculous your assumptions "can" be ... sure, yankee's H may in real life be a controlling, abusive, child molester, but YOU have no information to make such an "UNFOUNDED CONCLUSION", especially when all she is asking is advice on "How to ask her H about getting a Driver's License"?

wow. you need help. I hope you seek out a womans shelter in your area. The lack of self esteem/worth comes through loud and clear.

Please get help.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> OKK i have asked the same question 3 times.....and avoided it has been (in the wise words of yoda)....Your husband saved you...ok from what? Abusive parents? Foster home? You say he doesn't speak to his parents either....why is that....is it because they don't approve of your union....trying to get some background here to give you the proper advice on how to handle your situation.

Yankee, please keep working on finding a way to get your drivers license. Everybody deserves to be able to drive if they want to.

And no one deserves to be hit. Or isolated.

Myrev...I sure hope you don't have any daughters in your care. i would worry about their safety.

Can you just stop jumping to conclusions ***???Now you are saying MyRev would make a bad father to girls??? Good God... I've never seen people get so crazy off so little information. It's mind boggling!

***edit*********

Little information...are you ****kidding me. Do me a favor ...do not address me. ****edit***

PLEASE EVERYONE STOP FIGHTING,I am so sorry I posted that I never thought it would make everyone so mad you all are getting so ugly with on another. I'll bet if you all were in a room together you would be fighting. and I would be the only one not mad I try to never get mad ,Guess thats why my hubby gets so mad anyway cant someone just get rid of my post I never ment for everyone to get mad. I am Sorry

That just got you put on "ignore" **********edit********

Oh no, you need to stick around to remind us to stop fighting. We need a glass of water thrown in our faces every now and again.

Don't stop posting. I really hope next week when I get back you are still here.

MyRev, for someone who has me on "ignore" you sure do anything BUT "ignore" me! I consider it a badge of honor to be on your "ignore" list. thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

CRIMENY*sigh* *holds bridge of nose* OK EVERYONE JUST SHUDDUP FOR A MINUTE....so we can get some answers....so many posts are flying at once it's hard to answer one.... Yankee.....give us a background....only you can tell us that.....please don't be vauge it will help to give us a better foundation for advice....YES I SAID ADVICE (those who are ansy just wait a bit so we can get the whole story). You came here wanting advice well without knowing the things that are setting your life in motion we can't give you the proper advice as we don't want to set you in the wrong direction.

no because if I do everyone will just gets ugly, and dont like ugly people

I think it does matter the circumstances that this person became involved with the man they describe.
This person clearly needs some help identifying the fact that they are in a abusive situation with a captor more than likely. If she became involved with a grown man at 13 years of age it is highly unlikely that this man is not a sexual predator. I can not overlook the fact that it is possible that she is in an abusive situation, in favor of helping this person get a DL. The man she is married to should most likely be in jail right now.

see ,why would I want the only person who has ever Loved me to go to jail. I already told you he is this is the person who saved my life and rape omg dont even go there I was raped but not by my husband he taught me alot, and why would I leave I told you he Loves me,and he told me how mean everyone is in this world and you have proved him right. you alll get mean

Yankee, please do not apologize. Nobody here is mad at you. We just have disagreements about things, because people often have different opinions.

MEDC comes across very bluntly, but he really is CONCERNED about you.

I am, too.

One partner in a marriage should not be totally dependent upon the other partner for everything.

Yes, you should be able to get a driver's license if you want one.

I wouldn't be surprised if you don't know anything about your finances, either. That's another thing you should know about in case something every happens to your husband.

At 38, you should know enough about things to take care of yourself if anything SHOULD happen to leave you single.

Also, IF your husband hits you, he has absolutely NO RIGHT to do so. If he has a problem with "getting so mad" and he hits/hurts you when he's mad, it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

The reason people are saying that he raped you is this:

Most states have laws against a grown man having sex with a young girl below a certain age, which is usually around 16 or so (it varies in each state). It does not matter if the girl agreed to have sex or not. It is called statutory rape because the girl is considered too young to LEGALLY agree to have sex.

You are telling us that you met him when you were 13, had a baby when you were 14 (BEFORE you married him).

So, YES, as a 24 year old man having sex with a 13 CHILD (and I don't care how mature you were...you were still a child), your husband committed statutory rape.

If he got you out of a horrid situation, how were you able to marry him at the age of 15? Who signed the marriage license to allow you to marry him?

Please stay and answer our questions. We only want to help you.

LC

first off lets not act like we are a child...no matter what you ever ask your always going to get pro's and cons....every positive has a negative....if you choose to read the negative things and not accept the help thats being handed to you thats your choice....so far your only reading the negative (mean people) and not seeing the positive which is that people are trying to help you......people have asked specific questions to help you and you have ignored there posts.....you came here for a reason....do you want help or not?

Let's be honest for a minute. Do you suppose the man you are married to does not want you to have a drivers license because he thinks you just may drive away for good?

I ask this because most abusers want to keep you under their control. You obviously feel indebted to this man for some reason. You have stated over and over that he saved your life. Were you in an abusive situation at home?

*************edit*************

Any problems??

Email me or Admin.

JustUss2@aol.com

I understand your confusion around the issue of love, since it is very likely that you became involved with an adult at the age of 13. I also understand the pressing issue of wanting to get a driver's license at 38, and I would encourage you to do so. I would also encourage you to seek out an IC in your area as well as a women's shelter. Be honest about your complete background and how you first became sexually involved with an adult as a minor. At some point you may change your perspective as you gain more insight.
For the record: I am not being mean to you. Sometimes advice that is helpful to you may not be in line with what you want to hear. Just keep that in mind.

I apologize for seemingly attacking you Yankee.

It's your husband actions and behavior that I am appalled at.

Please...find a way to get your driver's license.

Mayb a job too.

He is your husband...he should support you becoming a strong, independent, fully-functioning member of society.

He doesn't have the right to suppress you and hold you captive.

Keep the phone number of a woman's sheltor handy in your purse or under your bed.

IF he ever hits you get out. When a man raises his hand to woman he loses his claim on manhood. ONE TIME is too much.

I realize you are likely trapped so the initial steps are to do things you can to become a functioning adult so that if and when the day comes you need to leave...you can.

YOU matter.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - go to the "my home" area of this website and immediately change your member name. Yankeexxxxx, when googled shows over 100 hits and by using such name ANYONE with the time and inclination can research and determine all your personal information. This is supposed to be an anonymous board. Don't ever use your primary email address, ebay account, etc. name when you register on a board and if you do...don't put your real name in the member information. Create on on-line persona separate from yourself.

You keep saying you're not going to post here anymore... but yet here you are!

I think you just like playing the victim. Some people may have come to some conclusions about your situation that were unfounded, but many here have tried to help you. Instead of listening, you go into "stop being mean to me". Whatever. You're a victim of your marriage and a victim here too. Time for you to lick your wounds, I guess.

I'm done.

seeee people are calming down and helping you.....now can you do us a favor and explain your situation FULLY so we may understand your needs better.

EXACTLY. People here CAN help you, you have just got to let them help you. If you give more details it helps because people can give you the appropriate advice, given your situation.

I assure you, no one is MAD at you. They are all CONCERNED.

BTW, this is totally unrelated to yankee's story... or maybe it isn't... but it's actually quite common for a young teenager to become enamored with an adult and then spend the rest of their lives with them. I'm thinking about a celebrity in particular. Celine Dion. She was 13 when she started dating her manager who was probably in his early 30's at the time. He's never been to jail as far as I know. I know it is still statutory rape, but it happens. Just wanted to put that out there.

ok first I want to say I dont want to leave him I love him and I know he Loves me as for being raped I was raped for as long as I can remember my my step dad and I thank God my husband got me out of there yes we were young when we met and we met at my school he was hanging around and we became friends and it was him who convinced me to leave with him and I did .my mom was the one who signed for me to get married and I am sure she was just glad to have one less mouth to feed. and yes my husband said I should not talk to my family but that was just because they eather did not believe me or they thought it was my fault, as far as his parents I have never saw them, My oldest sister died in a car accident and her boyfriend did not want the boys so we took them in but they were mostly raised anyway and I know I had my kids early I did not want to but my husband thought it would be best and one thing led to another and we had our kids I do work from home my husband made me learn to type and I work on my computer from home 40 hrs a week my weekly pay checks go to his bank account because he pays all the bills anyway,I just wanted to get a drivers license but he said I dont need it, as far as friends he said they are just trouble and to be quite honset I have never had a friend so I wouldnt know but we live in a very rural area and I dont know anyone around here,as far as school I quit in the 7th grade but have tried to read alot and I believe I am at least average, my husband takes me anywhere I need to go. and as far as being hit yes I have been hit over the years but its usually because I was nagging about something..which I am trying to work on and I know he has alot of stress at work, and when he does get mad he dosent mean it and I know he is just trying to protect me from getting hurt . and I know you all are thinking I should leave him which is so wrong if you knew him you would think different. I mean he took me when no one would have wanted me and taught me so many things cooking,cleaning, typing, etc so he has helped me so much with my life.. anyway there is my story

Oh how I understand how you are thinking. I spent eight years of my younger years in a simmilar situation. Just like no one understands what an affair feels like until they are in it this is also very hard to understand unless you have lived it.
Let me assure you that you owe this man nothing...you may be gratefull but the only person you owe is yourself. I always said I wish I would have been hit more instead of the psychological crud that he did. I too JUSTIFIED bad and violent behavior. There is NO justification to hit a woman to hit a child or to hit anyone. I don't care if you nagged all day long it will never make it right. It is not an easy thing to get your head into but you have to realize YOU DESERVE to have anything and do anything you want. Think of how you have helped yourself in your own life do not give him all the credit. He is scared of losing you and he needs the control because they are his issues. Don't lose yourself in the process. I remember once wanting to leave because I decided I could not take the abuse anymore but before I did I thought I should go and fold his laundry first. It is not the hit that is damaging it is what it does to your mind. Keep posting there is so much support here and I just got here.

ok this is a start....you opened up....be proud of yourself..

now...lets start with the past....you got out of a horrible situation....that is commendable....however...Staying in school should have been a priority.....were there no agencies to help you that you could have looked into?

You respect you husband for what he did for you......but you have rights this is america.....you have the right to drive as well as a right to be able to go places....do you think he has a fear that if you start leaving the house you will leave him?

Also no matter what the circumstances 2 adults should be able to communicate by talking.....using hands and aggression (ie hitting) is not acceptable....what does that teach your children? I don't care if I simply asked when a bill was going to be paid if my husband had ever hit me....no matter what he had done for me in the past....it would have been on like donkey kong.....

Yes he taught you alot....but you are your own person.....he has no right to rule your life you are not his property......he cannot move and mold you as he sees fit. I see you isolated being in a rural area...with no friends....so no one knows where you are and if there is trouble....no one can help you....

I am not telling you these things to be mean.....I want you to think....you had the instinct to think and look and you found this place.....you wouldn't have looked for help unless you needed it.

Yankee, OK...so you lover your husband.

I'll be honest with you and tell you that he was wrong to develop a relationship with you when you were a child. A 24-year-old man has no business hanging around a school. That is what a pedophile does, and his actions toward you were those of a pedophile. I am so sorry that your step-father raped you. He should be in prison. He stole your childhood from you.

However, your husband should also be in prison. Men who "like" little girls manage to get to them by winning their trust. Your husband KNEW what your step-father did to you, yet he STILL initiated a sexual relationship with you...when you were just a little girl.

I will repeat to you again: Your husband has absolutely NO BUSINESS HITTING YOU.

That is abuse. Your nagging him is NO EXCUSE FOR HIS ABUSING YOU. There is NOTHING you can do that would justify his hitting you.

Your husband hits you because he is a COWARD.

One reason that your husband does not want you to have friends is probably so that you will not learn what a REAL marriage is all about. He does not want you to learn from real-life people that good husbands do NOT hit their wives. He does not want you to learn that good husbands do NOT take all their wives' earnings. He does not want you to learn that good husbands do NOT isolate their wives from people who can HELP their wives if they need help. He does not want you to have real friends...and by the way, TRUE friends are a BLESSING! He doesn't want you to learn that good husbands do not treat their wives like children. He does not want you to learn that good husbands do not control their wives' every action.

And, although I'm sure this will make you angry, if your husband is still messing with little girls, he doesn't want you to catch him doing it.

THOSE are the reasons that he doesn't want you to learn to drive.

I know that you don't want us telling you this, but from what you've told us, it's the truth. TRUE friends will tell you the truth.

I realize that we are all just IDs on a board to you, but many of us have been here for a long time and have learned a great deal about each other. Some of the members here have even met in person. There are many, many kind people on this site, and they will help you as much as possible.

We are not going to tell you to fight with your husband, but we do want you to learn to stand up for yourself and to protect yourself.

I will pray for you and your husband, if you don't mind. I will pray for your safety, and I will pray that God opens your husband's eyes and that your husband will seek counseling and help to stop his abuse of you.

sweetie....I am not going to tell you to leave your H. I want you too...but that is your decision. But bottom line is, he has brainwashed you.
First off...he was a man hanging around a school of children. What does that tell you?

As far as "knowing him"...I do...I have known hundreds like him. They isolate and make their victims feel inferior. They use verbal and physical abuse to keep their victims down...because they are cowards.

So, what can you do? I would pray that you seek shelter at a women's center. From that point forward, if your H wishes to have a marriage with an equal...he will change. But you should never tolerate the type of behaviors he is displaying. never.

You talk about what he has done for you. I don't even know you....and I would take you out of that situation into my home tomorrow. You would be treated with respect and dignity....just as you would be at a woman's shelter. See, your H didn't do you any favors...he cornered himself a person that he knew he could manipulate into staying with him under his ridiculous terms.

My background...I was a police officer. I also am a sexual abuse survivor. I work with victims of abuse on a daily basis and truly want to help you. If you say the word, we could have you placed in a safe place as soon as tomorrow. Your life could change for the better immediately.

Friends are an invaluable thing in life. You will meet some and learn that the bond you form with them will help you through your life.

Please step back for a minute...let me talk to the young girl that was assaulted all those years ago by her step dad and then her H....is this really God's plan for your life? Would you want this for your daughter? Well, God does not want it for His daughter. You have made it to our "doorstep" for a reason. We can help you...but only if you are willing to help yourself some too. I know it is scary...I know it seems that your H has your best interests at heart...but LOVE true love is not a closed fist or a slap across the face. It is a gentle and caring hand that protects those most dear to it.

Say the word and I will open every door I can to find you the help and compassion that you need. It may be cliche...but tomorrow can truly be a new day for you.

I offer you Thing One or Thing Two.

Thing One:

You do not ASK him to go get a driver's license.

You go get one yourself. An adult woman of 38 goes and gets a driver's license independently of any other person on the earth. You have the independent ability to negotiate the Internet. You say you work 40 hours per week, "typing". You say you have a bank account.

If those things are true, then you have the perfect and innate ability to access your own bank funds from your own paycheck, garner car insurance for yourself via the Internet (which you OBVIOUSLY can use), obtain training for yourself to learn to drive a vehicle, and obtain the license to drive from your state department of motor vehicles.

Your husband need not enter the picture, except to inform him of your activities. This is not an action that appears to me to be out of the norm of society in the 21st Century, and if you are not part of a polygamist society, which you claim you are NOT, then I see no reason why you are unable to do these things on your own.

IF WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE.

However,

Thing two:

I sincerely disbelieve your story. Why?

Someone who works 40 hours per week "typing" would have to have much better skills with grammar, syntax, spelling, puncutation, and semantics than you present.

Furthermore, the errors you have made seemingly great effort to present in your writing "rilly" show some problems for me. I just don't buy this story, not "rilly".

Can you explain why you can spell "probably" correctly, and not the phrase "a lot". Hmmmm. And why, oh why, would you be able to utilize the rule of "ea" to make the vowel "e" long in the word "scream", and not in the word "really"?

If you "type" for a living, for whom do you type - illiterates? Or just people who do not care about the product?

Just had to throw this in there.

Either Thing One or Thing Two applies. Pick one.

SB

The reason you need a drivers license is so that you can drive the family van to the nearest community adult education center to take the necessary classes to obtain your GED.

Perfect logic.

Your kids are raised and out of the house. Time for you to join civilization, expand your mind and explore the world around you.

You also need to know how to take care of yourself should anything unfortunate happen to your husband including his disability. If he becomes disabled...you'll need to do it all...including driving.

Every community...no matter how rural offers adult continuing education.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - schoolbus...she said she learned to type and works at home. I might have missed it but I didn't see her say she earned the money actually typing/typesetting.

Thank you MrWondering I never said I was good at it, sorry for not putting that in all i do online is verify orders and everything is recorded I cant say more about it here because we are not to post about it,but I can type ok but i cant spell very well but I have been using the readers digest word power things and i am trying to get better, i dont think my husband would allow me to go to school and like the other person said I cant spell so I would look stupid anyway, He said I didnt need it years ago that is why i quit and he was right I have been doing ok so far anyway I have to get off this for the night. I shouldnt be on when I am not working, but I will be back on tomorrow at noon see everyone later

Sorry, but my radar just says no, no, no.

Just note - no matter what you advised, there's a reason she CANNOT do it.

Yet....she's here....and husband hasn't busted her. No fear of that?

But she's afraid to ask for a driver's license? Or money? To make a friend?

Six kids who won't help her? What's up with that?

She took in her 14 year old brothers when she was 16 ish.

That makes them 36 year old men now. Can't they help?
What's up with them? Don't they have the Internet? Can't she email them? Can't she Google them for help? Google one of her own four kids?

Google the STATE POLICE?

I just do not understand someone who is 38 and appears to be completely able to find this forum - INFIDELITY mind you - and ask about DRIVER'S LICENSES - and come off talking like a 14 year old who is "yanking" our chains.

And the story is out of some old movie.

Rilly. A movie.

Maybe I am just too skeptical, but please.

Color me gone on this one.

SB


SB

Yankee,

Can't your children help you out? Can't they teach you how to drive? Or talk to your H on your behalf?

Aren't you friends w/ their spouses? Or how about their spouse's parents?

I take it you don't attend church either, huh?

~ Marsh

yankee29164, I advise you not to disclose this website and what you're donig on this website to your husband. If you do, you will lose the support and views that you were totally unaware of and at the same time, if he finds out, he could beat you.

How old are your children?

I have already told him I was on this site and I told him why
Although he was upset with me,he said he was proud of me
not lying to him and telling him the truith.
He said when the time is right he will
let me drive, So I am going to get to drive!!
He said I should not have told everyone about me
that I was still immature and never to tell
personal things online to people I dont even know
and he is right,I should not have done that.
and he said that you all would tell me to leave him
which everyone has done, just so I will be all
alone, Which I am not because I told everyone I was not going
to leave him. I dont have any ideas of leaving,
all I ask for was advise on a better way to ask
him a question, he read everything that everyone wrote.
and would have been a lot madder if I had lied and not told
him,I dont keep things from him, he said thats why
we have been together so long, look at all the marriages
now days breaking up so soon.like I said , you would have
to know him, He is not a bad person.

SB...I'm skeptical as well.

yankee,

Just for the sake of argument, assuming your motives are honest...

Here's the thing - you want a driver's license? You don't need permission. The way to bring it up to your husband is simply to say, "I would like to obtain a driver's license. Will you assist me in doing so?"

If he says no, your choices are to either comply or obtain the license on your own, without his help.

You don't NEED a reason to get a driver's license. You want one, you are an adult and your H is not your parent. You don't need his permission. I question why you would come here and pose a question to us that is along the lines of "I want this, but my daddy says no."

With all due respect, you are not a prisoner there. If you are unhappy about his unwillingness to agree to "allow" you to be a licensed driver, you aren't a victim. You are choosing to allow yourself to be controlled.

no, he's not a bad person. he was just an adult having sex with a minor that happens to beat his wife. But, he's a good guy...really.

Puke.

Yankee, when will the time be right for you to get your driver's license?

While my husband has not been physically abusive to me, he has been emotionally and verbally abusive and tried to control most of my life with him. He was that way for a long, long time, and I pretty much felt like I was some horrible wife that deserved it, although I kicked and screamed and fought against it. The problem was that I was fighting in the wrong way.

However, I grew a backbone and started standing up for myself in an appropriate manner. I NO LONGER ALLOW him to verbally abuse me. He still has some emotional issues, but I call him on those, too. I have regained control of myself. I have set boundaries on how I allow people to treat me. If my husband tries any verbal or emotional abuse, I tell him that I will not be around him while he treats me like that, and then I either go wander around Walmart for a while or go out to my hobby/craft shed and lock myself in. This is not being disrespectful to him, but it is not allowing him to be disrespectful to me. I cannot control his actions, but I can control MINE.

Yankee, you are deserving of respect as a woman. You are NOT a little girl anymore, even though your husband has tried to keep you in a little girl stage of life.

And, you and your husband should know that my regaining control of myself and refusing to accept my husband's verbal abuse does not mean that I will leave my husband, or that I do not love him. It means that I love ME, too.

Mr. Yankee, if you're reading this, you need to get counseling in anger management and STOP HITTING YOUR WIFE.

Stop being a control freak in regard to her, Controlling every aspect of her life just shows that YOU are a weak and insecure man. Are you really afraid that if she finds out that MOST women have choices and that not ALL men are like you, that she will leave you?

If so, you have really got it all backwards.

Also, I hope that you have left little girls alone and that your wife is the only little girl with whom you committed statutory rape. I really hope that you haven't raped anyone else, ever. That, in itself, shows what a weak man you are...needing to have power over a LITTLE GIRL, and especially one who had already been raped. That was totally despicable and you shuold be ashamed of yourself and begging for her forgiveness. Actually, you should be in prison, but your wife apparently still loves you, in spite of your abuse.

So, when are you going to take her for driving lessons and to get her learners' permit? If she doesn't know anything about your finances, you need to teach her. Her position of needing to know how to do things if something happens to you is a valid one.

People have been knows to drop dead of a heartattack at 50.
I do not wish that upon you, but what do you think would happen to your wife if you did...especially if she doesn't know much more about how to manage her life than a child would know?

Well, here's a likely scenario:

Assume you kick the bucket. You can bet your boots that other abusive men will pick up on your wife's vulnerabilities. If you have any property/money at all, they will offer to handle things for her, so you can bet they would clean her out. Oh, and while they're at it, hey...might as well have a little fun with her, too. Having been raped from the time she was a little girl and without ever getting any REAL help to deal with that and having been abused by her husband, you wife is likely to think that is NORMAL. Oh...but if she protests, they'll just knock her around a little...make her behave and teach her a lesson, you know? One of them might hit her just the wrong way, though, or actually be so brutal that the KILLS her. And, all because she was never allowed to grow up and learn how to take care of herself.

If you REALLY LOVE YOUR WIFE, unhook the leash. I'm not talking about her leaving you. I'm talking about letting the little girl in her go. HELP her become a strong woman who can deal with life's issues. And, doing so might just help make her love for you grow even stronger.

Keeping someone totally dependent on you is cruel.

Yankee,

I get the question. I remember asking our marital counselor something similar once...and I figured out I was trying to check my reality...because I distrusted my own thoughts very much.

I put things in right and wrong categories...sorting through anything that occurred, what I wanted, what I didn't want and judged them...putting the right to the right, the wrong to the left.

Didn't help me to see reality...where I ended and where my DH began.

I get it. Our MC thought it very obvious...to me, clouded.

Were you asking about the driver's license, though, how to ask to get him to say yes? Or asking if he was right or wrong? Was it part of the sorting? Am I close?

Switching roles here:

Sure would be scary to have my wife of 23 years ask me now about helping her get a driver's license. Not her doing...my insecurity, how much I being her all...how it made me feel. I could trust her, though, because she's radically honest with me...tells me everything. My own worries/insecurities aren't about reality...just about me.

And if I feared ridicule and my wife leaving me, I wouldn't want her exposing her life, our marriage, anywhere...again, from my own fears...me reacting to my fears, not holding them, and not acting from them. Which would bring deeper intimacy with my wife, in reality.

Might come from you saying your love for him is a debt...you're indebted to him. You are his equal, Yankee. You love him not from debt/gratitude, from your own choice...freewill...you choose him, every day, as your husband. That's mighty powerful...love does conquer fear...doesn't eradicate it. We fear our partners will choose differently, one day, out of the blue. We focus on their choices, not our own...see your own.

Loving him from your choice, your belief, is real...not from debt...and yes, knowing how grateful and blessed you are is part of our experience of loving feelings. Like anything else, too much is as dangerous as not enough.

The hitting though...no one deserves, no matter how much stress or intense emotions they are feeling...to hit anyone, ever. No excuse, no rationalization...nothing. The big Love Buster...because you are equals, hitting can feel parental...when it's really a childish permission, instead. May make you feel powerful, the cause, control and cure for all things HIM...and you are not. Don't volunteer for fantasy, 'k? Treat your H with respect...call the cops if he hits you...get out of the way of his consequences...so he can respect you more, too. Not making him do anything...we really don't. Even the love deposits we make into our partner's account have to be allowed by them.

And by us. Where you are right now in your life...what brought you here...God's lead...your choice...your willingness...I hope you'll stay, nourish your half of your marriage and nurture your soul.

Not to leave or stay...like sorting right and wrong...leaving and staying are two ends of choices...with a thousand more in the middle we won't see when we're only looking at one or the other.

You aren't crazy, bad, defective or wrong...and certainly not alone. Nor is your H. We grow up experiencing a love relationship in the parental form...difficult to learn the partnering kind. Part of our journey with our spouses...and how to partner ourselves, too.

Thanks for being brave and persistent, Yank. Hey, what's with the Yankee screen name if you're in the south?

LA

medc,



I agree.