my wife is currently having an affair - her 2nd one in the past year. The first one she says was strictly sex....GREAT! (sarcasim). The current one she says is a deeply loving a spirtual affair and she has met her soul mate.

She has told me she doesn't love me anymore or want to stay married to me. I am not sure what it is I want.

I tell myself I want to stay married, but can I trust her again? Is it the loss of security or being alone that scares me? I know I have my family and kids so I won't truley be alone.

She won't end the affair, they talk on cell phone, e-mail, text message each other, nothign I can do to stop that. They occasionally see each other for lunch as well.

She said they have not had sex yet, but I knwo that is BS....

I someitmes think I would be better off with someone else, but then I think back to the good times and think differently.

She was out of town this past week and I was alone with the kids, we had a blast....now that she is back I have this pit in my stomach.

Is that a sign?

Sorry for my rambling on. Just need someone to talk to and listen to me...

Welcome to MB......get ready for a roller coaster ride....we have faith you can handle it so sit down and strap your belt on.....

First things first....expose....to everyone (her work, family, his wife and famiy and work)I suggest you read up on exposure....it is deadly to affairs.

Secondly read the stick and carrot of plan A thread and start implementing like crazy. Goodluck we are here for you.

I have talked to her paretns about this, asking them to confront her....they don't want to address it with her in fear of losing her. I am not sure about telling everyone and if that would help or not. My family knows as do a couple of my friends.

Are kids don't know anything and I don't think telling them "mommy is in love with another man" is the thing to tell your children....I could be wrong.

If I do start to tell people then it will be after we tell the kids we are seperating, but until that time, the kids are going to remain out of this.

Yes, my wife currently has the best of both worlds....an affair, and a husband to help with the kids while in the same household.

This has all come down within the past couple weeks, not sure where this is going....at this tiem I am just trying to be there for my kids.

Infidelity is brutal. Only you can decide if your marriage is worth saving, but no matter what you decide you're still going to go through a miserable experience. When I got here, only months ago, I had no idea what to do. I didn't WANT to do alot of what the people here told me I should do, but I didn't have any better ideas, and nothing I was doing was helping.

So I took a leap of faith and trusted that all these people that had been through it and helped others could help me too. I encourage you to do the same. Its amazing what a differnce it makes having the support and advice of others.

If you're like many, you are going to want to know that you did everything in your power to make your marriage work. The first thing that has to happen is the A has to end. Recovery, should you choose it, is not possible until the A is over. You are beating your head against a wall if you think otherwise. There are things you can do to bring about the end of the A.

Exposure is a powerful tool, combined with Plan A, which unfortunately quite often leads to Plan B. Get ready for the ride of your life bro, there's nothing fun about any of this, try to detach yourself from your emotions and view this as a learning experience. If you work the plans you WILL come out a better person, if not for your wife, then for the next relationship.

Good luck, we're here for you.

What do you know about OM?
The other side of exposure is HIS family -- especially if he is married.
And this is also where you should not believe ANYTHING your wife has told you about him. If she said he is divorced, VERIFY THIS FOR YOURSELF. If she said he is separated, VERIFY. Get what I'm saying? Any info coming from her is suspect.

How old are your kids? That has a lot to do with what you tell them. It has to be age appropriate.

Also -- you need to be prepared to make her face some nasty consequences. Like leaving without her children....

How old are your kids?

Is the OM (other man) married? Do they work together?

Tell your story, it will help us help you.

ok....well if yo want your marriage and a a happy family....your gonna have to fight...does she work with the OM....if so and they were on a "business trip" last week they may be using company time and assets and that may violate a policy......if you have proff you need to expose at work.....as far as her parents I would ask if the happiness and security of the grandkids paramounts there daughter "leaving" them.....because she is destroying a family. If they enable this.....what are they teaching the grandkids. How old are your children?

Pardner, here is Dr. Harley's advice on to whom one should expose the adultery...one's children are definitely included. No, you don't say mommy and OM are in love. You say mommy has been doing some things with OM that are wrong.

[b][i] [color:"blue"] {Dr. Harley's Advice On Exposure} [/color] [/i][/b]

If you don’t expose, you’re enabling the adultery. Are you willing to fight this adultery and do everything you can to recover your marriage or not?

First off....thansk for the replies!

my children are 13,10 (daughters) and 8 (son).

she told me they met at a party we were at together (after first telling me a different story first). She said this guy is now living away from his wife (they also have two children) and are in the process of a divorce.

My personal situation is I have a temp job and not full-time. I am working as a temp with the possibility of getting hired full-time. She is the bread winner in the family and has been for the past couple years. I do have a college degree and am working on trying to get my career lined up before I do anything (advise from my parents).

My wife has said she wants this to take time, a year or so, until I get my feet on the ground and am able to live on my own with or without the kids....she says she doesn't want to leave me high and dry with nothing.

2 years ago I was where she was....I even had divorce papers drawn up. I couldn't go through with it as I could not leave my wife and I loved her very much. My affair was an emotional one (no sex), but an affair none the less.

I am not perfect, but I want ot give our marriage a 100% no BS chance....she does not!

First off don't trust the word of s WS....even if she is telling the truth OM may not have told her the truth. He may be fence sitting without his wife even knowing there is an affair happening....she should be told.

The children are old enough to tell....read Dr. Harley's exposure threat to get some great tips...a few members here have also had great experience with that as well.

The good thing is I know I am not alone in what i am dealing with....

I would love to expose this to everyone, but just afraid to do so.

I just need more time for this to sink in, get a game plan and follow it.

hockeydad, I want you to know that the line she gave you about this OM alreading D'ing is likely bullsh*t. They all give this excuse. You need to find OM'sW and expose the affair to her post haste. Do not threaten your WW with exposure, just do it.

Read SAA (Surviving an Affair) and HNHN (His Needs, Her Needs). Read the info on the links to the top right of the page about the basic information on this site. (Plan A, plan B, the lovebank, emotional needs, lovebusters, etc...)

All of that will help you get a plan rather quickly. The plan you need right now is plan A. Read about it, ask questions here about how to implement it, and you'll be moving down that track.

Waiting to take action for any length of time is NOT in your marriage's best interests. Take a look at plan A, and get started ASAP.

and how do I go about doing that? What if she doesn't give me his phone number? How do I contact her if she won't tell me anything about him or her.

It's amazing what you can find on the internet, if you have his name.

If you can/will spend a few dollars, you can get all the vital statistics...address, phone number, etc.

Start with Google.

HD:

You did to her what she doing to you now.

Makes it real easy to fix, doesn't it?

Because you never went thru the process correctly after your A.

Expose the affair, get the cellphone records and put a keylogger on her computer.

That info will lead you to the OM.

Expose your OWN A to your W.

And start working on fixing whats really wrong in your M.

Not spending time with each other.
Your full time schooling and the financial strain that made.
Respecting your W for carrying the burden of the Household.
Stop the Lovebusters (LB's) and Disrespectful Judgements (DJ's)

Read up on Plan A. And how you are going to work Plan A to WIN your W back.

Buy HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS, (HNHN) from this website, It WILL fill you in on what you should be doing.

Sorry you have to be here. But, it's the best place around to fix your M.

LG

Snoop! Longhorns post has the link to Spying 101. Go there. It is usually not that hard to get the info you need.

Do not believe anything your WW says about the OMW. You must find her and tell her. My XWW told me many lies about OMW having her own affair and later that she knew all about my XWW's affair with her husband. It was all lies to keep me from exposing.

Exposure cripples and often outright kills affairs.


This is good. She is fence sitting and cake eating. You are meeting some of her needs and he is meeting the others. She likes this. It's very princess-like.

But she has to make a choice.

You have to Plan A your butt off as long as you can stand it but at the same time man-up and state your boundries. You will not live in a marriage of 3!

Your kids are well old enough to know the truth. They deserve this. It is their family.

Time for a nuclear exposure

HD,

""I would love to expose this to everyone, but just afraid to do so. ""

What in the world are you AFRAID of?? What could be worse than the h&ll you are living in right now?

Many BS's are afraid to expose thinking the betrayer will become enraged and will be pushed further into the arms of the OP, BUT once the A is exposed to the light of day, it withers and becomes ugly, even in the eyes of the participants.

The WS does become angry because the A is broken, but the BS must just hunker down and wait out the storm.

My biggest concern is that this is her SECOND A in a year!?! That kind of tells me that she is seeking out these relationships. They are not just "happening" as so many of the Waywards claim.

kirk

Your fear of her reaction is common. And will she ever have a reaction! She will say:

"It's over! I was thinking of trying to fix the marriage but you blew it! "Blahbitty Blah Blah Hisssssss Spit"

View this a vampiress having to stand in the sun.

But.....She will get over it. Many FWW's on this board talk about the respect they felt for their BH for standing up for the family.

Your marriage will survive a few days of her anger, but it will not survive a prolonged affair.

I was afraid to expose, read my Pre D-Day thread if you want to see what I went through.

You can find all the info you need by snooping. Cell phone records are gold, as can be a keylogger.Plan to expose in on fell swoop. Don't threaten exposure, don't give her the chance to paint you as a crazy psychopath. Then get ready for her to get all pissed off and threaten to leave (or maybe even leave for a while). Its ok, she can be mad. The purpose is to end the A. Until that happens, nothing else is going to work.