so much to think about....thank you all!!!!! I wish I could stay here all afternoon and evening but work and kids activities come first.

Busy weekend with my son...hockey game tonight and Saturday....taking my kids to Buffalo Wild WIngs on Sunday to watch a football game...then more hockey.

Invited the wife to come along...she said she might go shopping for a new winter coat (yeah I know it could be a cover up to see her b/f) or clean the house, but thanks for the invite.

Again....thanks for all that reponded.

hockeydad:

You've really taken a hit. Two affairs in one year; sounds like mid-life crisis time for your wayward wife, major dissatisfaction with herself and with her life.

Personally, I advocate telling your children, as soon as possible, in no uncertain terms. You don't have to be perjorative, just factual. What your wife is doing is wrong, period. Your children will figure out what is going on eventually (if they haven't already). Better that they hear it from you, particularly if you want to save your marriage.

Do you want to save your marriage? You've been given the advice about exposing, sounds like you've done some. It also sounds like your wife's parents are kind of lame, and you can't do anything about that. They may be part of the reason she feels so entitled.

That and the fact that she is the main bread winner. I'm sorry to sound so chauvinistic, but that is not a good position for a man to be in, from a love bank perspective.

It would be very good if she could see what she stands to lose in a divorce - from a financial standpoint. If you are smart, you will refuse to leave your home, and let her know that you intend to pursue custody.

PK

I was on my way out to run some errends this afternoon. My wife said "will you be home by 2pm?". I said "yep".

She said "what's your problem?" I said "what do you think?"

She then said as I was alking out the door..."what did I do this morning to you?"

With that I said "your in love with another man and having an affair, what do you THINK is wrong"

I know this porbably breaks some sort of MB rules, but how insensitve can she be? She is having an affair and has the nerve to ask me what is wrong?

When I got home I told her I was going out for a few drinks with a neighbor. She said "sounds like fun, are you gonna tell him what's goign on?" I said "I don't know, we might talk about it" She said "don't talk bad about me and drag our problmes into the neighborhood"

I said "I will talk to who I want about what I want and will nto bad mouth you, just tell the truth"

grrrrrrrrr

My wife and I had some similar discussion. She'd ask "what's wrong" when she was in her A before I knew for sure but after the "I love you but am not in love with you" and her saying "I don't know if I want to be married, etc". I'd just tell her I was bothered by what she had said and she'd say "Everything is fine". I'd say "you mean, aside from you not being in love with me and considering leaving me everything is fine?" She's say "yes" and I'd say "to me, that isn't "fine"".

She also hated me talking to our friends, yet she wouldn't talk to me then! I would just tell her "this is how I deal with my problems. I want to talk to you but you won't talk. If you want to sit down and try to work this out then I want to do that, until then I am going to do what I need to do to take care of myself."

There's just no making sense of it HD. She knows what she's doing is wrong and she knows that there's no way her current reality is tenable. Try not to beat your head against the wall too much trying to make sense of it, it won't get you anywhere but upset.

thanks Tyk -

I am trying to deal with this the way that makes me feel better, not her. This morning I saw her parents at my sons hockey game and they didn't even say one word to me...just walked right by me!

I am going to tell her "since you don't want to work on our marriage and have little regard for my feelings, I am going to deal with this my way"

HD:

First:

Decide what you want to do.

Save your Marriage.

OR

Blow it up.

If your want to SAVE your Marriage:

Learn about Plan A.
Stop Lovebusting.
Try to WIN her back.

If you want to BLOW it up:

Keep having conversations like today.

How about like this:

WW: "Will you be home by 2 PM?"

HD: That's the plan, I need to do, A, B, C, and I should be home by then.

WW: Great, I needed to "whatever" and I needed to know what you are doing, cause the kids needed someone here.

NOW: IF she said, I'm going to go screw OM, you could say, "No, I'm not allowing that."
Or, if she said: "I was going to go buy a coat" You could say: Great, can DD12 go with you?

Both of those answers are Plan A.

You, however, just shot yourself in the foot. Because she never got to say anything, and you were being pissy.

You are allowed to get pissy, but if you are in plan A, then you have got to STUFF IT.

Present the happy, purpose-driven you.

Her response: "What did I do this morning?"

And you were right, you should have pointed out that her A is making you sad. But you didn't win any points there did you?

HD: "Sorry, but when you ask me what time I'm leaving or going, And I feel that you are trying to arrange a meeting with OM, I just really get angry and Hurt. And that can come out at any time."

Then looked her in the eye, and then left.

That would have gone over better.

Sometimes, MB is about learning how to do things better, and being prepared for the next evil thing that comes out of the WS. So that you reverse babble them, and or do not lose your cool.

Because, IF they can make it YOUR fault, it's easier on them.

And she has reason to blame you already.

And then this line:

"When I got home I told her I was going out for a few drinks with a neighbor. She said "sounds like fun, are you gonna tell him what's goign on?" I said "I don't know, we might talk about it" She said "don't talk bad about me and drag our problmes into the neighborhood"

Doesn't that sound like SHE fears exposure?

So what are you going to do about THAT?

And she knows about your A, right?

LG