I found out that my husband was having an EA 6 months ago. He has always been faithful and hardworking. We have been married for 15 years and I noticed that he just wasnt himself. Death in the family and hard times at work and taking care of the ill family member. My h became distant, gone all of the time, chgd his grooming habits, would never come straight home from work, continually tried to get me off the phone when we would always talk on the phone, picked fights, didn't want to be intimate with me. I had a gut feeling that something was going on and even told him that I thought it was this one specific person, a friends wife and he just said that was crazy, and one day at work, I found the phone records on the net and my suspicions were confirmed. I called the number that was on the records and it was her. When I confronted him, he immediately said he was packing his stuff and leaving. They both said they were just friends. I was the one who left. I asked him to quit talking to her and at first, he wouldn't. He even called her after I confronted him to warn her that I was on my way to talk to her. I gave her the chance to call her husband and tell him what was going on, but she didn't, so I did. I was then accused of ruining everyone's life. The next day he said he would quit calling her, but he had to call her first and tell her why so she woulnd't think he was a jerk. WHAT? Anyway, a month later, during an argument, I told him that I thought that he was still having contact with her. He said no. I was at his office and dialed *69 or whatever it is, and the last incoming call was from her office. He lied. He said he had to call her to see what was going on because her husband was threatening him. My H says it was only talking. Our cell phone bill was $900.00 with over 1500 minutes in 2 weeks. Talking with her even in the middle of the night and even made up excuses such as golf with his etc..to get away from me, but he says he never, ever met her. (although I did find deodorant and toothbrush in his truck.) We live in a very small town and rumors got out fast. This is the only thing that seemed to make him think about what he had done. We have 2 kids-13 and 7 and they endured alot of trauma thru this. This woman also works at the school and we have to see her everyday and at every school function. He even had her husband and her chaperone my sons 13th bday party etc...while they were just "talking" .He left us on my sons actual bday to go call her on the phone. We are still having problems today because I am having a hard time getting over it. He says he had to talk to her because I don't listen, which is probably true to an extent. I get angry when I don't feel that I am paid attention to or listened to and talked down to, which he does at times. We both come from families with terrible divorces and swore we would never do this to ourselves or our kids. I know that we are both to blame for problems, but I feel that he made a terrible choice in how to deal with it. Now the woman has tried to actually speak to me and I ignore her and she makes rude remarks when I don't speak. Very hard to deal with. He said their conversations were about her marriage and that she thought her husband had cheated on her and that they never talked about me, just about my husband and the problems he had with the world. He doesn't understand this is an E.A. He even talked with her best friend on the phone a few times. The only explanation I get is that he doesn't know how he could do that, but he does love me, that he just had a breakdown. How do you do that to someone you love? I don't get it. He also had my moms credit card that is in my name for trips, since we had just returned from Vegas a year ago and used it for a year and charged $10,000.00 worth of stuff on it that I never knew about until the affair was exposed. He didn't tell me this, my mom finally did and she knew about it all of this time and never told me. Has everyone lied to me? He was paying them back, little by little, and still using it. They told him to quit using it several months ago, but he even used it up until August of this year. Crazy. This man has always been such a hardworker, getting what we needed by working extra if needed, very supportive, had been great with his kids, motivated, spiritual, encouraging for the most part, caring, helpful. What happened? How do you get past the confusion, pain, dishonesty, selfishness, etc..

I caught on to my Ws affair from the cell usage as well. She also told me they were "just friends".

Your H was definitely involved in an EA, and I would not believe him that it wasn't a physical A as well. Don't want to put that in your head but WS (wayward spouses) lie and lie and lie.

First thing you need to do is get him to write a No Contact letter to her stating that they are NOT to see or speak to each other ever again. YOU send the letter. Then he needs to give you access to whatever you need to verify that he is upholding NC. These are the conditions that YOU set in order to allow him the opportunity to recover your marriage. If he won't do these things it is a red flag that the A is not over. Don't accept statements about "trust" and "respecting privacy" etc. Trust is earned and privacy is not necessary in a marriage.

Start reading the material here and start asking questions! Its not a fun place that you find yourself in but there is hope and there is a plan to follow.

Welcome, sorry that you are here.

Please read up on Plan A and about how affairs should end.

The recommendation on MB is Complete and Full exposure of the affair. It is likely since you live in a small town that everybody already does know anyway, but the way people are, they keep mum about it.

By themselves, they are whispering and gossiping about it. "The wife is always the last to know." SO there you are at church or school or at the market, and people greet you, and after you pass they say "Can you believe it, she doesn't know."

You will have freedom from that if you expose.

Exposure is done without any forewarning. You make up a list of evryone who yu want to know, ESPECIALLY the OW's husband, the principal at school where your kids go, your pastor, your H's parents, anyone who carpools your kids, and you expose matter of factly. No gory details,

just "My H and XXX are having an affair, and I am exposing their affair because affairs thrive in darknss and secrecy. If you have any influence with my H or with OW, please encourage them to end their relationship and work on their marriages. I love my H, and I am fighting for my marriage and our family."

Be prepared for a very angry reaction. Your H will tell you you are evil, you have a dirty mind, you have now ruined any chance for your marriage, and he never wants to see you again. He might even pack up and move out. Do not back down, okay?

If he gets really angry you know you have done Exposure right.

Part of Plan A is working on meeting his emotional needs, not doing any love busters, and taking really good care of your self and your health.

Read up on Charlotte22's thread for a wonderful account of someone who just exposed and is killing her H's affair in a spectacular way. It will inspire you.

Oh, and please break your posts up into paragraphs for us to read easier.

Good luck!

Of course I continually check the cell phone records, but like I said, we live in a very, very small town and word has it that she has another cell phone. I did some checking and found thru another carrier an acct in my H's name, but not connected. So, of course I wonder. That's another thing....initially, I had the password to his email acct, and one day when I tried to access it, pre-affair, I couldn't get in. He said that Yahoo req'd that he numbers to his password. ????? Everyone in town knows about the affair. You know how rumors are....the truth is never told though. We would separate a couple of nights at a time and it always seemed to be when her husband was out of town and my H lied to me a couple of times about where he stayed. He said that he needed his space and didn't want me to come looking for him. This is a man that is not without faults. He is the one who I would tell to go out with his guy friends and hang out for a while and he would never go because he said the I was his best friend and that he married me because he wanted to be with me and his kids and that we could all go, or nothing. He calls me all the time again, comes straight home, etc..., but I just can't get over the fact that he betrayed me. Now I am suspicious of everything and want to trust him again and do in certain areas, but when weird things happen, it scares me. The phone records showed a couple of months ago, a phone call from a local motel, for minute each, but he says he it must have been a wrong number. ??? Everyone has always told us the we are the couple that makes everyone else want to be married. My husband is a very handsome man and has always had women throwing themselves at him, but he was never interested. I trusted him totally. I check his email now all of the time and nothing is ever there, but who's to say theres not another email address involved. We are struggling emotionally and financially. He says he can't live without me and finally went to talk to his mother and even stayed with her one night. He says that he won't go to her even if we aren't together. I do see that he tries in so many ways and he says he understands that I will have a hard time with all of this for a while, but it's still hard to trust. The OW seems to be rubbing it in my face as well. She used to never show up to anything and now she shows up and sits and stares at either myself or my husband and its very hard to not say something or do something. Then I end up mad at my H all over again, even when he was just sitting there. I love him and he was always my best friend. I know that I need to move forward, it's just good to talk to people who have been thru the same thing.

SuperCoder,
You may not want to hear this, but if you see the OM everywhere, in order to save your marriage, you may need to consider moving to another town. It will be unpleasant to consider moving your kids from their school, but seeing her everywhere makes "no contact" impossible.

Case after case after case has shown that it is nearly impossible for a WS to come out of the fog when contact is maintained.

Also, you say that its a small town and everyone knows, but remember that exposure in person is much more powerful than the rumor mill. I can't see the principal of a school condoning adultery in one of his teachers. What kind of example would that set for all those young minds. Go see him in person, tell him, and ask for his help in squashing it. The OW may back off immediately after her employment is threatened.

Why are you in denial? You knew it was not just an EA, you knew they had sex. You need to start worrying about STDs or whenever your husband is not with you, he is probably with her at some motel.

Be aware that BestAdvisor is a troll with an agenda of her own and give little consideration to anything she says.

You posted this "Your H was definitely involved in an EA, and I would not believe him that it wasn't a physical A as well. Don't want to put that in your head but WS (wayward spouses) lie and lie and lie."

How's what I posted above different from what you have posted? The fact is, there was a call from the motel to her husband along with many other signs that clearly indicate that there was a PA and she is clearly in denial by naming her post "Husband's E.A."

Trust me...I am not in denial. I am totally and completely aware of all that has happened and what can still be happening since the OW works at my kids school. She started at the beginning of 2007 and they were friends of ours, not really good friends, but friends. I hold my husband completely accountable and the OW as well. I don't know that they were or were not intimate. Do I think they were? Yes...Does he say they weren't? Yes. Does everything point to that? Yes. That is why I am here. I know for a fact that his affair was an emotional one without a doubt.

I don't have any FACT/PROOF of a PA. I just know that you don't do this to someone that you love. Wedding vows say for better or worse and that's how I take it. No one is perfect and every marriage will have problems, no doubt. The position that I am in now is how to move on. The past few months have been terrible of course. Yes, no contact is impossible in our situation. My family avoids certain activities so we don't have to see the OW or her family.

The OW works in the business office at the school and according to a good friend of ours, whose father is on the school board, this woman has been making tons of mistakes and the school board has learned of the situation and they aren't happy with it. So, with the mistakes she is making at work, talking for hours on the phone during working hours and the infidelity of a school employee, they have been thinking about not renewing her contract.

I grew up in this town and my kids have gone to school there since Kindergarten. The OW and her family have only been out there for 8 months.

My husband has offered to move several times, but I am having a hard time uprooting my kids ~ my entire family is in this town, not to mention my 92 year old g-ma that we help take care of. I can't just leave her. I am mad at him for putting us in this position. If they aren't gone soon, then we will leave. Her H has asked her to quit and go somewhere else, but she won't. My family and some friends went out of town a couple of weekends ago and another family from another school mentioned that the OW was having an A with someone else now. Names were mentioned.

I now have a hard time hearing my H say that he loves me, because I feel that if you really love someone, going to someone else would never be an option. Please know that by no means do I think I am perfect. I am not. I know that this is not my fault as well. I do believe that we are all in control of the choices we make and this means that we should be held accountable and face the consequences. This is what I hold my children to as well and expect no less from anyone else.

I do feel that if the lies come that easy, then how do you stop them? What a scary thought...How do you trust again, or do you?

Blind trust is gone, its just the way it is, there's no going back, but there are ways to move forward. Is your H remorseful? Is he wanting to work to repair the marriage? Are you able to verify that the A is not still active?

It will be hard to move forward when you are not convinced you know the truth and there is still contact occuring. Just realize that those are obstacles you will have to overcome. Many will say that it will be impossible without NC, I don't know if that is absolutely true but it is Harley's opinion and it most certainly makes things more difficult. I understand your reasoning for not wanting to move, but understand the impact that choice is likely to have on your recovery efforts.

You are exactly right. There is no going back. My H has gone thru alot with this as well. Yes he is remorseful, regretful etc....Sadly, I am glad that he is beating himself up over this. But...do you really believe these emotions? The man has never given me any reason since I have known him to not believe him completely and totally until now. He wants to repair the marriage without a doubt. That I do know.

I pretty sure they don't see each other at all, but as far as the phone calls, how will I ever know that? My H is very aware of my issues with this too. For all I know, they could be talking on their work phones or have addt'l cell phones. I tend to believe there are no phone calls, but I am scared to trust that 100%.

I just can't let myself go to believe everything. Yeah, things sound good when they are said, but do you believe it when it comes out of the mouth of someone you trusted more than anything and they intentionally lied to you? Million dollar question...

I am so confused and it's hard to move forward and I know he wants and needs that. I need it too. He asks for me to please give him a chance to prove everything to me. My response is that when I married him, I gave everything to him and we shouldn't be having to do this. He asks for me to love him enough to make this work etc...My response is, why didn't HE love me enough to not have an A. Is that just my crazy thinking? He calls this his "mistake" because it was never more than having someone listen to him and that he might as well have talked to a tree because that's about what she did.

I told him that he was in denial over this whole thing. He says it was never an A, that's not what he wanted, nor was he looking for anything like that. Well, I'll give him that initially, but once the phone calls etc...got to the extent they did, and all of the lies and secrets came into play, that they were sharing something and he got caught up in it. Something there made him feel good, excited, needed, wanted, in a way that was different from me. That seems to be common sense to me.

He says that he has always loved me no matter what.

He says that he can't undo what's been done and that he was so very wrong.....but the only thing that he can do is move forward and make it bigger and better than ever...Again..sounds good...but it did 15 years ago too. Promises to love each other and only each other forever.

I guess one of the hard things for me is that he wants me to love him enough to start over, but how do you do that when he obviously didn't love me enough to not do it?

BestAdvisor!, I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt at first, but I echo Tyk's warning. You are a troll. Please just stop posting. Whether you intend doing damage or are just thoughtless, your posts are not helpful.

Why not go back to your other board, the one without the plans or guidelines? It seems you are accepted there.

Are you willing to do an exposure?

Oh it's definitely already been exposed. I gave her an opportunity to call her husband and tell him what she was doing and she did not, so I did. Sorry, but even with her A, I gave her a chance that she really didn't deserve and she still didn't choose to respect/love her husband enough to tell him and drop it.

The school administration knows, her husband knows, my family knows, my husband's family knows, the whole town knows. I understand that she is being closely watched at school as well.

In fact, when I do see her, she has tried to even speak to me and I just walk by with no response. Her husband even told me and my husband that since we all go to the same school,that we should find a way to all get along.

I, in no uncertain terms explained to him that in no way would my family have anything to say or do with his family and asked him why in the world would he even consider such....I really wonder about people sometimes!

I would like to know....from the OW's point of view and thw WH point of view a couple of things.

First the OW~what goes thru your head? Let's assume that this will be answered by a married woman~Being married, having made a commitment and having a family, what makes you want to pursue another man? Feelings, thoughts (good and bad)about you, the other man, your husband, your family and the other mans wife. How do you get to this point?

The WH--Same thing...What goes thru your head? Being married, having made a commitment and having a family, what makes you want to pursue another woman? Feelings, thoughts (good and bad) about you, the other woman, your wife, your family, her family, your friends. How do you get to this point?

Can you really love your spouse, yet turn to someone else outside of your marriage? At any point during any of the contact do you all think about how the relationship will affect everyone else and the rest of your lives? (prob a stupid ?)

Once the relationship is over, and you begin to suffer the consequences, how do you feel? Is is really true that you don't know what you have until it's gone?

Two part ? for a man and woman. Please answer and be totally candid. I go thru different phases it seems every day and would love to hear some opinions.

I know in one post the OW is sorry and wants to re-kindle the friendship with the BW and family and that the BH is understanding and in agreement. I'm a bit confused by that one. This may sound a bit crazy to be asking, but I would love to get in the head of someone who will be totally honest (to the best of my knowledge) just so maybe I can gain some perspective from another point of view, if that' possible.

Thanks to all of you and your advice and information. It's really good to be able to correspond with others in the same position.

What goes through our head? read all you can on here about the anatomy of an affair ... they seem to all involve the same justifications, self-deceipt, loads and loads of BS. WH re-writes the history of the M to something much worse than reality so they can justify being "pushed" into an A ... but at the same time say it's not about BS ... all about them and OP.

The A is like a drug and the OP fills an emotional need of some sort. I struggled between knowing it was wrong and all the laundry list of justifications I could come up with ... I was miserable ... needed to put me first ... etc. All the while minimizing the impact the A was/would have on those around me ... "wife doesn't care anyway so she won't be hurt", "lots of other kids grow up in split marriages and do just fine" ... all a giant load of BS!

Once it's over the feelings change over time ... at 1st I was withdrawn, sad, felt huge sense of loss over OW. Over time though there comes a sense of relief to not be living the lies anymore ... that progresses to a feeling of relief at being "saved" from myself ... seeing OW in a more negative light and realizing all the self-justification was just nonsense ... yes the grass always appears greener on the other side but in the end you don't know what you have til it's gone ... there's no place like home.

WOW! There's alot to read on this site. It's so sad that so many people are going through rough times. I feel almost fortunate to have my situation over some of the others here.

I have pulled alot from reading the different posts. I realize (and really already did) that maybe I wasn't the "person" I should have been~not necessarily the wife or mother, but "person". I realize too, that I don't have to be that wonderful "person" all of the time. I have bad days, hard times, emotional moments and gosh darn it, I feel that maybe those feelings should be respected.

I feel so guilty because my H said that I didn't listen and hadn't listened for a long time. I had been experiencing some rough times for several months. Big turnover in my office, I stepped in to take the initiative to help all of the new people and wound up getting stabbed in the back. That hurt me tremendously. My grandfather who was 92 was going downhill fast and my brother and I were doing all we could to take care of him and my gma. They were married for 73 years!! Amazing, huh!

Anyway, with that, work, kids, etc.....we were all tired. My grandfather passed away and it was really hard on us all. I found myself weeping silently each morning before I got out of bed as to not wake my husband. I don't really know why I didn't say anything. Trying to be tough? My grandfather was always there for me and we had always spent so much time with them. (I came from a divorced family~messy one!)

I think this had an affect on my H as well. My grandfather thought my H hung the moon. He wanted the same clothes, shoes,etc...that my H had. It was so cute. My H never really said anything, but they too had spent alot of time together and he never had experienced death in his family.

I was weak and tired, my H was weak and tired and both of us I know were just worn out, physically and emotionally. Not really so much from each other, just lifes occurences. Sometimes tired of trying to do the right thing and getting kicked in the teeth for it. Does it seem those who lie, cheat, and steal intentionally, get a leg up in the world and those who try to do what is right get the shaft? Yes, it would seem that way, but not true.

I realized for several months that my H didn't seem himself. Something had changed. He said that he thought at 35 he would have a better house, more money, better job etc...That sent a jolt thru me. This was not my husband. He was always the one who was optimistic, motivated, energetic etc...I knew then something was really wrong.

This man had always had high morals and values. He took care of every need and want for me and my kids and everyone else for that matter. Did I think sometimes he wasn't there for me? Yes, but gosh, sometimes that happens in life. I know he was tired, worn out too.

I began to notice that he was really seeming to "need" approval from others. He was going out of his way to make his friends happy and help them (which he has always been a giver and would help anyone)with everything. I asked him to please realize that I would like some of that attention and he said that he did give it, I just didn't notice. He began to question everything in life.

I proceeded to tell him that he was a great person and cared so much about everyone, that he was so smart, caring, giving, hardworking, considerate, handsome,etc..and that he had alot to offer the world and his family and that we were so blessed to have him in our lives~our friends and family too. After the exposure of the A, this conversation came up. He told me that I didn't listen to him and that this was a real problem for him and I wasn't there for him. I reminded him of what I said and that I did listen and if fact, heard him and took him outside to talk and try to help him relax.

You know what I got....."You didn't help me in the right way." You should have just given me a hug and told me everything was gonna be ok.


At this point is when he began talking to the OW. She was the one who initiated everything, but he sure didn't have to take her up on it.

So...now I feel bad for not having helped him in the right way and that if I had done what he really needed, he may not have felt the need to go to her. But...I also do realize that it's not my fault. Poor choice on his part.

Of course it's always back and forth, I need, you need.....I did and you didn't etc.....Isn't every marriage this way in some fashion? We're not all perfect. Gosh....if we were there would be no need for this site.

I struggle each day. I know there are things I should have done better from day one, or even paid more attention to them, especially when he pointed them out to me. I hope that he realizes the same and that no problem is bigger than the two of us. We will always have hard times, in marriage, in life...but those should just be speed bumps to me. I feel that we have been so blessed in our life with our family (good and bad), our beautiful children, good jobs, and a nice house. (2000 sq feet with 10 acres in the country, not a shack....) We have always really followed the saying in a bad situation, what have we learned from this?

Success to me is not measured in dollar figures or material things. My H, my children, and my family and their happiness and health are whats the most important. I could live in a box and be fine. Who wants a big house anyway? You have to clean that thing!!!

I guess maybe everything got to be too much for my H and he broke, cracked. I can see that. I just can't see how you would turn to someone else other than your spouse. I just can't.

I love him, am in love with him, but don't understand him sometimes.

That's what you two need to figure out once you feel you are in recovery--what was it that allowed him to let down his boundaries and get involved with OW to the point that it turned into an EA.

I know that I had become so complacent in my marriage that I did not even dream that my H would get involved with anyone. I look back and see small indicators that I ignored because it never even crossed my mind that he--of all people--would get carried away with an EA. Now, I am back to being that more vigilant wife that I was for the first several years of my marriage. I feel like it is like closing the barn door after the horse has got out, but it is still best practice. I still need to work on validating him--complimenting him and letting him know that I admire him.

For my husband, he feels that it was his ability to have "private behavior" that allowed him to get himself involved with an old girlfriend in the manner that he did. He is very careful to avoid "private behavior" now. I think this makes him a better marriage partner.

It sounds like you are still not completly certain that they have stopped getting together. Is that the case?

All that stuff he is telling you about how you did not listen and you should have just given him a hug and tell him everything would be ok instead of what you did---That all sounds like fog talk to me. I would not pay too much attention to that kind of stuff. You have to wait until he is further out of the fog and into recovery before you will be able to work together on your marriage by using those kinds of talks.

Thank you for posting. This really is therapeutic for me. I have wonderful friends, but also want them to be able to take a breather from me too.

I too thought the same as you ,that my husband would never turn to anyone else. I did miss the indicators as well.

As far as them still being together, I really don't think there is any contact anymore, but I am scared to let myself believe that 100%. My H is doing everything that he can do to help me with that, such as calling and s/w me all the way to the office and then speaks to his boss when he gets there so I can hear his voice to confirm he's at work~Talks with me all the way home~calls me the second he leaves the office for errands and stays with me on the phone, takes me every with him on every other occasion~just some examples of what he's doing.

The problem is, as posted in my earlier posts, the woman works at my kids school, so no contact at this point is difficult. I do realize the issues that can arise from this.

My H voices his disappointment, disgust, shame, etc...in hurting myself and the kids and can't believe he let himself get to the point he was. Is it possible to be sympathetic, mad, confused, scared, resentful of that?

I cannot say that he isn't trying, because he is. Sweet emails, back rubs, cooking dinner, little kisses etc..but he did this before too, except for the emails. I am at a point that I don't want to let myself believe it too much and put myself in a bad position. I know...I have to make a decision.

He wants me to love him enough to make this work, forever, but I am having a hard time with that since I feel, due to the A, that he didn't love me enough to make it work. Am I just being stubborn? I have loved him thru the good, the bad, the faults etc...I would love for him to answer this one. I just get " I know what I did~I know I hurt you."


Could it be possible that I am trying to analyze this too much? I am at a point that I am really trying to dig deep into this affair thing. It's so strange to me...I guess so, I have never been there. I wonder if I am trying to get into the frame of mind of the OW and the WH and may be biting off more than I can chew!

Yes, you probably are analyzing it all--over and over. I know I did and still do to some extent. The most important things to analyze are the areas that will help the two of you build a stronger marriage. You will probably never be able to fully understand how someone that you trust and love got into such an inappropriate and betraying relationship.

He is probably asking himself that question and can find no answer.

The issue is not that he did not love you enough--The issue is that he did not maintain good boundaries to keep himself and you safe.

There has also been talk on this forum about the addictive nature of affairs. I think this could be the case. My husband was just looking for a little entertainment and an ego boost. I think he thought he had everything under control. But I think he got addicted to that little boost that every contact gave him.

One other thing to remember-the affair is not about the OW or OM. Rather, it is all about the wayward spouse. The affair is all about how the wayward feels while they are creating their little fantasy world. They keep up contact because they love the boost that they get from it. But it is all fantasy. Exposure really helps to burst that fantasy bubble.

Working through all this and building a good marriage is going to be difficult for you because you both still have contact. There really needs to be no contact for both of you in order to have recovery.

I kept e-mails that I had copied that they had written to each other. Then I realized that even those e-mails were a form of contact for me. I finally got rid of the e-mails. I can't imagine still seeing the OW regularly--that would be very difficult for me because I would have constant reminders of the affair.

Can you work out a way to ensure that neither one of you ever see her at the school until you are able to work out a more permanent solution (such as her getting canned)?