admittedly not an expert here but it does sound to me like the fog is lifting for your WH ... though you have no good reason to belive it yet and won't for some time

but if you think back to when the A began and how behaviours changed ... what he's demonstrating now doesn't sound distant, angry, etc. the last thing I really wanted to do was make nice with BS while the A was ongoing ... couldn't even fake it if I tried

I do think you're getting too consumed with the "how could someone do this" question as opposed to "what were the things in our M that made H vulnerable" ... treat the disease not the symptom (sounds blaming and harsh but the best analogy I can come up with) ... and I wouldn't hold your breath hoping WH can answwer the "how" question either ... truth is I'm sure he asks himself and can't answer

have you read up on the other "non-affair" related materials ... done the EN questionairres?

seems to me that you're in a good spot to start recovery ... get back to understanding how to meet each other EN and rebuild

I don't want to be trite and say things like "move on", don't dwell on past", etc. but if the A is broken and WH is beyond the withdrawl period then it seems to me like the focus should be future oriented

But stay diligent, snoop constantly and keep your senses on high alert

Canned!! I love the way you think.....

We have decided this year to not be as involved in the school in an effort to minimize contact. I will remind you, we live in a town of 489 people. So the school really needs as much help with functions as possible, but we just can't do it.

We have a meeting tomm. night that we have to attend. My H is the president and runs the mtgs and the OW and her H will be there. She didn't come at first, only her H, but the past couple of times she has been there. Again, only an organization with about 20 people involved. I can only tell you that bad things go thru my head and keep telling myself to not let her get the best of me. That's a bit too close for comfort. My H is going to resign as pres after this season,and would already have if he weren't the one who developed the org in the 1st place. We made a pact to do it all together.

You are so right about the fantasy world and the ego boost. He's always had women flirting with him from the day I met him and it never bothered me....whew!

Thanks Lake...I appreciate you taking the time to post. It really does help..

thank you lstmyway...thanks for the insight....

Isn't there a vice president who could run the meeting tomorrow night? How long is the "season" I hope it is not the winter sport season as that has just begun!

I know what it is like to live in a town that size. I live in one. I'm certain that many people know what happened or think they know what happened. However, none of them really know the pain you and your H are going through right now. If you and your H asked someone else to run the meeting, don't you think that someone would step up and do that? After all, what would happen if your H were sick or out of town on business? Wouldn't someone else run the meeting? How often do the meetings take place? Monthly? If I were you, I would find someone else to run the meeting tomorrow night and then, follow whatever procedural rules that are in place to elect a new President.

Why take this punishment?

Take it to another level by taking charge of the situation and removing yourselves from these meetings.

SC4 I just read your thread. We unfortunately have very similar circumstances. You are way ahead of where I am (growth & understanding) and I've been here several months.

It's normal to have the 'why' questions. I have to agree with the other posters, your H may not be able to answer the why totally to your satisfaction even if he can answer at all.

Just remember rebuilding a marriage takes time. Alot of time. Read everything you can here. Read things like Marks Musings, WATS quick guide, all those type of posts.

Remember regaining trust takes time too. It's a big issue for me right now as my H is making progress, I want to believe him, but I'm afraid to at this point.

Ask your questions here...there are Fantastic MB vets who will help you. One of my favorites already is!!! Hi Lake!

I have found recovery is in phases...and unfortunately sometimes I slip backwards BUT I'm at least recognizing I'm slipping which before I didn't, so progress for me too.

I hope we all can help you through this most difficult time.
(((supercoder4)))

Help....I am having a really bad day.

My H and I had one of the best weekends in months. Both of the kids were gone Fri night, so I thought I would have a picnic in the living room. Just something different. This was a surprise for him, yet he was stopping to pick up the pizza.

He took the little one to gma's and was gone for what seemed a good while. I called him and he said he was still waiting for the pizza. Well, we always call it in and is ready by the time we get there. So I hung up, waited awhile and called him again. Still waiting for the pizza....Ok~my suspicions were up at this point. Something didn't seem right.

He finally shows up with a rose and firewood. He says thats wht took him so long. I voiced my concern and we had a good evening. Had christmas lites hung around the living room, blankets and pillows in the floor, beverages on ice, candles going, the whole nine yards and he lit the fire.

You all can fill in the blanks. And then, we ate a piece of pizza after and he fell asleep in the floor. Should I be worried about that? This is something he has never done before. I just dropped it.

Then, the next day, he went to his moms to help out with a few things and pick up the little one. He was gone all day long, which we figured he would be, and did not call me one time to see how things were at home. I called him 3x. Then when it was time for bed, he didn't come with me, which he always does. Another thing to worry about?

Then yesterday, he was home, but seemed distant. Then he went with my 13 yr old to the feed store for our animals and the sherriffs office pulled up to my house.

Apparently, someone turned us in for negligence to animals. OMG...I almost died. We have a horse that had gotten west nile during the summer and we have been trying to nurse him back to health, which is a slow, slow process. We have tons of other animals that are completely healthy and look wonderful. I almost believe someone did the out of spite, meanness. Just another problem on us....But it's all ok...they confirmed the sickness. Poor horse, its my sons horse and he hates to see him go thru that. He's had a hard summer too.

Do you ever get those moments that you just feel like things aren't right? That gut feeling I guess. Well, my H called and we were talking and he was just a bit weird and I guess I was too and he asked what was wrong. I told him I was having a hard day today and told him I just thought things weren't right somehow, that I couldn't put my finger on it. He immediately became unhappy. Then I emailed him and told him the specifics about the concerns over the weekend and he blew up.

He said that I took away everything good from the weekend and why should he try when all I do is tear it all down every single time something good happens. I found a weird phone number from the school on the cell records and later confirmed who it was and it wasn't her. He told me to pack my stuff and get out that he was tired of everything, he just couldn't handle it anymore. I told him that now I felt like I couldn't even talk to him because it hurts him and that's always how it ends up. The good time are good, but one problem and things get completely out of hand.

He has called and apologized and says that he is the only one who ever tries to make things better, to call and smooth it over. It's more than that for me. I don't want to just smooth it over. This is my slip. Some little something that he does or doesn't do that takes me back to the time of the A~it instantly scares me to death and then I think, am I getting the wool pulled over my eyes? I am trying to be very careful of the want the wife, want the OW too, thing.

Am I being to destructive to myself and my H and our marriage?

I feel that I am going thru a process to recover and some days aren't so good. I tell my H that unfortunately, these are the consequences that we all have to live with, the good day and the bad. That he can't just have the good. Is that wrong of me to say? I need some guidance~my head is swimming!

I don't know if it's wrong of you to say, but you are having normal reactions. My WH isn't too happy when I have times of uneasiness he just wants to move forward. Unfortunately what HE did has caused this and he'll have to understand the consequences IF he wants to rebuild our M. I feel as long as I am NOT harping on it, that I AM trying and putting effort into moving forward, watching his actions as evidence of love, then I'm doing the best I can for the time. As long as I am evaluating my part of the M and making the changes that need to made on my part for a successful M I am moving forward.

Unfortunately there are still the days something either triggers my fear/uneasiness, or just a gut feeling. I am trying to NOT say anything, but work thru it first, evaluating if it's ME or him. If I do say something I definately use I statements to talk to him about MY feelings-whether they ARE actually true or not, they are MY feelings. If it's me, I come here post, work on MY feelings and sometimes it passes.

If I've acted inappropriately because of my feelings I do apologize and move forward.

I do feel that I am having normal reactions too. I try to not to say anything either, and in fact, did not yesterday, he asked me, "what's wrong?" so this all started with my being honest and answering his question.

He asks for me to please try and understand that when he blows up and gets mad that it's not about me, it's that it's because of what he did and the position that we are now in because of it~~and that he would like for me to try and understand that he hates himself everyday because of it.

The problem is that I do understand that he could hate himself because of his "mistake" (that's what he calls it), but then again, he made a conscious choice to do it.

Last night we had a talk and of course it ended up with my going to bed early and no talking. He gets so disgusted with the problems of daily living and then when I have an uneasy day on top of that, we have big problems. Then we talk and everything that has been bad in our entire marriage surfaces and feelings are hurt all over again.

I do the normal mom, wife thing every day and night.(i get off early in the day) I have supper ready when he gets home,etc...Last night I left it up to him to take care of. This morning, I get the statement, "you just quit, and I don't have that choice, life still happens and I have to deal with it, spend time with the kids, cook supper, do homework, and you get to just go to bed and that stresses me out." I don't see it as quitting. I see it as stopping the arguing, the back and forth of hurting feelings and thinking.

Ok..this was one night...one. In fact, I did get beds ready, kids ready for bed, and books together before I went to bed. Sometimes I feel that he realizes that he jumbles my brain and talks me in circles. He has never liked it when anyone tells him that he could be wrong, or mistaken and when it comes up, he gets mad and walks off.

He tells me that he has no expectations at this point, just that he wants me to take a leap of faith and try this. I feel like everything rests on my shoulders in regards to making it all ok. If I don't make all of the right choices that it affects me, my H, my kids, our families and friends.

Everything he says all goes back to the one choice that he made in the summer. He says, "I had a problem then and I have one now and you still don't listen." Again, I tell him I am listening to him, but what it boils down to is that I don't answer him in the exact words he wants. He says the hug and the "talk" is too much for him.

Maybe I am just that different, but I wish that he could recognize the fact that I am and have been there for him and be comforted by that fact, but he disregards it because it's not in "his" way.

In these talks that we have, he constantly tells me all of the things wrong that I have done over the years. I know I haven't been perfect and made some bad decisions, but neither has he. I made the choice to pick and choose my battles and realize that he is human. He says that our marriage was 95% good and 5% bad, but the bad was bad. I rarely hear about the good things I have done in the past, if ever. IMO, 5% bad is pretty good, but I don't understand how it was more important than the good? Maybe just my unclear head.

Sorry for the rambling and back and forth.....I may be just crazy, but when we talk about my uneasiness about his "mistake" and he blows up, my initial thought is that he's getting caught again. Does that make sense?

Just trying to figure out how to give 110% to someone who didn't give me 110%....When I tell my H this, he says "You just don't love me enough to make this work." Again, am I crazy, but he's the one who threw away his entire marriage over another W.

there's a whole lot going on in these posts ... not sure if I'll cover it all or answer your questions ... FWH responding here

I think you're reactions are normal. You have every right (even call it an obligation to yourself) to have your senses on high alert. You may, even likely, over-react to certain gut feelings but again I say normal and to be expected.

I also understand the desire of your H to leave it in the past and not dwell on it ... just trust me ... take the leap of faith. I get it ... I was there and still am. BUT ... if he can get himself into your shoes I think he'd also see that's an unfair request to make of you. I don't know if you've managed to get him on here and read some of the materials ... the posts of other BS on the board might help him to see that your reactions are normal and to be expected and the more he can do to understand how you feel, the better he'll be able to modify his actions to alleviate your fears.

Now ... back to the night you 1st described ... I can see his actions as trying to restore that surprise element that's common in early courtship ... I felt the need to "win back" my W too. The problem is when that necessarily involves secrecy and change in pattern the BS's mind will take control and freak-out for lack of better term. So applause for his efforts in trying to meet some of your EN ... boos for not getting that the secracy would be disturbing to you.

You feel that everything rests on your shoulders to fix? You'll not like this answer (but many others will tell you the same thing) ... it does. A lot of it anyway. It's unfair and wrong ... after all you weren't the one who did anything wrong and were the one that got crushed. But recognizing what conditions made WH vulnerable to A and working on your behaviours will go miles towards R. But it is work and it's gotta be hard when you're still so hurt.

Last point in a very rambly post ... it does sound like you 2 could use some work on communication styles. Being upset because you feel you've been there but not in his way will not help you ... realizing that the way you communicated didn't work will allow you to explore what "his way" is. Again ... it sucks that you have to do some work to meet "his way" ... but real communication involves both the "send" and "receive" of the message ... if the receiver doesn't get the message it might as well have not been sent.

Final words ... try to be open to his attempts to repair your M (without over-analyzing the good ... it does look to me like sincere effort) ... let him know you appreciate the good things (even small life things like making dinner when you're too tired) ... I'd also not give up on expressing your feelings ... but you'll have to be sensitive to the delivery or have it become defensive. There are some real pros on communication style on here that can probably give better examples ... but it's generally best to say things like "i feel x when y" ... stop yourself short of "I wish you would just ____", etc. You've expressed yourself but left him in control of his actions.

Just real quick like, I don't have much time, but you and your H should both fill out the LoveBusters questionairre. I think it would be helpful to both of you to familiarize yourselves with what LBs are and how you both engage in them. Alot of what you report about your H's behavior really isn't appropriate behavior. His angry outbursts about your response to the A are not appropriate or justified, if he is mad at himself, that is fine, what is he DOING about it? Exploding at you because he's mad at himself is helping him or you how? He doesn't have the right to yell at you, he needs to be made aware of it and find better ways to express his anger.

Its a two way street of course, that's what's good about the questionairre, it lets you both voice your feelings and perceptions.

Anyhow, just a thought you might consider.

Good point, Tyk.

reading my last post seems like I'm letting Wh off the hook ... there is definitely some work to be done on his part too.

Reading materials here would be a great 1st step for him.

Another suggestion, read about plan A. Do the ENQ (emotional needs questionaire). It sounds alot that you both are reading/understanding each other incorrectly. The ENQ will help you BOTH understand each other better.

As mentioned earlier, Plan A is not fair to the BS. It's a plan to show your WS how you are the better choice for your M and how. As you go through Plan A you and your spouse will hopefully decide that you BOTH want to recover your M and he's willing and wanting to do his part as you are and have been showing him the way. It's NOT easy, it's not always FAIR, but if you work the plan it can help you with the recovery process.

Let me go back and take a look at some of your posts from the beginning and make comments and ask you some questions. A month later after you thought you and WH had established no contact, you dialed star 69 on his work phone and found the last call was to her phone number. He said he had to talk with her because her H was threatening him. Did you ever speak to her H to determine if he had been threatening your H? Your H called her as you confirmed it on star 69--but he did not tell you that he did this. So you two did not have mutual agreement regarding that contact. This troubles me. If he felt he was threatened and needed to call her, was he aware of the need for mutual agreement? Also, you state that you told him that you felt he was still having contact with her and he told you 'no, I'm not.' But he was having contact with her in that he called her regarding her H threatening your H. He lied to you about having contact with her one month after he agreed to 'no contact'. What is his response to this? When did this contact happen?--how long ago?

How long did this EA go on? When did it start? You found deodarant and toothbrush in his vehicle. Did he have an explanation?

He says he had to talk to her because you don't listen. He still seems to be complaining about the way you listen to him and the way you respond to him. I don't quite understand this. I don't quite understand what it is that he says you are doing wrong in this regard. Do you understand what he is saying to you regarding this? Does it make sense to you? Is there some way that you can change the way you listen and respond to him? Or is this fog-talk--I cannot tell which is the case.

He charged 10,000 dollars worth of stuff on a credit card and you were not aware of the charges. Have you gotten any more information about this? What kind of stuff did he charge on the credit card? Who received the goods or services that he charged on this card?

You found through another carrier a phone account in your H's name but it was not connected. When did this happen? What does he say about this account? Is it active now? Can you and he go and cancel this account so that it cannot be activated?

You say that you and you H separated a few times a couple nights at a time and it always seemed to be when OW's H was out of town. You say that your H would not tell you where he stayed and that he said he needed his space and did not want you to come looking for him. Did you ever find out where he actually stayed? Were you able to confirm where he stayed on these nights?

You found phone calls from a local motel and he says it must have been a wrong number. Is this the final story on this? How did you find these phone calls?

How did that meeting go at the school? Were you and your H able to get out of it? Did you have to go and see OW? When was the last time you saw OW? When was the last time your H saw OW? Just remember that it will be difficult to recover as long as either one of you are seeing her. You need to establish some boundaries for both of you so that neither one of you actually have any contact with her. With any luck, she will get canned from her job at the school so neither of you have to be concerned about seeing her.

When I look back at your earlier posts on this thread, I can't help but get the feeling that somethings went on between your H and OW that he has not fully disclosed to you. I truly do not want to put you into a panic mode and it is completly possible that I am mis-interpreting your statements in the early part of your thread. It does sound as though your H has established no contact now. It is just that his angry outbursts give me a gut sense that he is still feeling guilty over his lack of total honesty to you about this whole deal.

I certainly could be wrong about this and I truly do get a gut feeling that he has come around and is not involved with her at this point.

Can you two now recover? Can you recover if he has not been totally honest? Has he been totally honest? He sounds as if he is committed to recovery NOW. But I just can't get a good read on his honesty about past contact with her. I can't tell if it is just your normal panic and suspicion that I am miss-reading or if he was deceptive during the time he was initiating no contact.

I hope you are doing well and that you have a good thanksgiving. I am so sorry for the turmoil that it has caused you and your children. Give them all a hug from marriage builders.

Hi MB friends. It's been awhile.

Things have been going pretty good for the most part. Just some days the turmoil from the past is so strong and hurtful. A bit depressing at times.

The holidays were wonderful and I am so glad to have started a new year.

Gosh...dont' know where to start.

Actually, since all of this has happened, I have found a strength in myself I didn't know I had. I have found that I am alot smarter than I ever gave myself credit for and am proud of what I have discovered.

I am able to see so much more than I did before. I realize, as I did before as well, but on a different level now, what really is imp in life and to not let others take the focus away from what I want to accomplish and what I stand for. Their opinions are just that, opinions.

I have learned to take care of things in life instead of expecting my H to take care of it or waiting on him to do it.

I guess that's part of the problem. Now my H says that I don't need him anymore. I am really concerned about him and his level of sanity lately.

We still have rough spots, but it seems that we get thru them easier now.

As far as my concerns, my H used to be such a strong, God fearing, inspirational, optimistic, confident person. No longer is he.

When all of this happened, it was said that I didn't listen and wasn't there for him. I know I wasnt there 100% of the time, but I do know that I was there and the issue seems to be with that, it wasn't in the way he wanted me to be.

Yesterday, he called and said that he was gonna leave work about 30 min late, as he had to wait for a customer. Well, this strikes odd to me, as this was part of his excuse while he was talking with the OW last summer. When I calmly mentioned to him that it bothered me, he became defensive.

I try to ward off the fight by staying calms and suggesting that maybe that specific time was not a good time to talk, but maybe we should wait until later. Not good either.

I asked him to please be considerate of me in the fact that it's hard for me to hear that as it takes me back to a place that wasn't a good place. His response to that was that how dare I say that he was being selfish, which I didn't mean, and that he did have to take care of his job. Understandable.

We talked very little last night as I tried to avoid a fight.

Today, he wasn't having such a good day at work, problems with co-workers, the weather here is terrible etc...so he called just to vent. I am glad to hear him do that.

Then, he says again, I have to stay after again today, blah, blah, blah...same thing as above.

Again...same feeling. He wants to know why I am quiet. I explain to him why. He doesn't like the response.

I don't think that he gets the fact that now...I pay very close attention to all the he says and does. I try so very hard for the smart remarks etc...to come across and do feel that I am doing great in that dept. but sometimes they slip, but not in this.

This is where the "You can take of yourself, you don't need my anymore" comes in. That he wants someone to 'need" him, and I explain to him that I always have "needed" him and "want" him. He wants to know why I have become so self reliant. Again, I explain to him that I was put in a position that I had to learn that. of course, that upsets him again and he say, I guess I"ll always be slapped in the face with that.

Ok...to me and please forgive me, correct me if I should be wrong, but the choice he made changed everyones life forever and yes we have chosen to try and overcome all of that, but that consequences are sometimes on going and we try to forgive, but we don't ever forget.

Lately he's been really weird, different. He is realizing that he's getting older, that he's gained weight, he's never happy with anything, much less anything I do, money is always a factor, never sees the good in anything anymore, is very condescending about people, and doesn;t seem to realize the blessings in his life.

It worries me that he may be sliding back into his "funk." I mean, really, this is part of the reason he was in it before.

I got the speech today that no one is ever there for him, ever and that he realizes now that we are all alone in this world,never mind who is around us, that no one cares and that he should just take care of himself since that's what everyone else does. Again, he wanted a response, so I gave him the same one. That before he chose to take care of things in his own way last year, that things were different.

His poor pitiful me attitude all of the time is wearing me down. I try to help him, be supportive and tell him "it'll be ok" and ....he says that I never try to help him.

I honestly don't think he sees it, feels it. What do you do then? He seems like such a weakling now. Always feeling sorry for himself.

I have been fixing his lunch everyday since all of this happened, taking care of everything for him so that he didn't have to worry about the "little" things, and you know what, I am tired of it. Not that I don't want to do it for him, I love taking care of my family, but I feel like I am an enabler.

He's been trying so hard with everything. But I don't think I am wrong for things to hit me in a bad way when they remind me of the EA.

The last poster is prob right...he hasn't been totally honest. Anytime something is brought up about the situation, he gets very defensive and he says it just hurts to hear over and over that he screwed everything up.

am I wrong to wish that he would just get over himself? I feel like he is focusing to much on himself and not on the effects that everyone else is going thru.

Someone tell it to me straight here please.

Tired and weary in TExas....

H went out of town for work. I was a bit worried that maybe another W was going, but there were 2 others guys from work there as well.

Last week the cell phone bill came in and it showed several calls from "No Caller Id" on them. These calls were early around 730am and around 9pm at night. I compared these calls to my own phone, to see if maybe I placed the calls to him and they just didn't show up, but not mine.

He says he never answers the no caller id calls. These were for around 10 min at a time, some for 2 or 3 mins....When I asked my H about these, he said, "I'm mad...these aren't mine" and said that when he asked the cell phone co about them, that since he was out of range and roaming, that's why they showed up NO ID.

Convenient that theres no way to prove it. That's why I tell him things like this are not good and of course it puts me in a bad place and he asks that I just have faith in him, that he's never gonna do it again. Maybe in time...

I told him that it always seems to be something with him. Either a ? over staying late at work, weird cell phone calls, he doesn't answer his phone, acting weird and distant, etc....

See what I mean...Please read the other post as well..It all ties together, I just forgot to include this and thought it was key.

Sounds very suspicious to me. I would suggest you stop questioning him and just gather data. Maybe when he says he's going to work late, can you "happen to stop by." If he gets pissed off at that, well, too bad, you can just say you wanted to see him and leave. At least you will know.

Don't ever feel bad about snooping - he earned it, and seems to be earning it again.

I don't believe the cell phone thing. Even when roaming, numbers will show up.

Hello Supercoder,
Could you take a look at my last post to you and see if you can answer my questions to you? I feel like it would help all of us provide you with more specific feedback. Hope all is well with you and your H.

Answers to Lakes post just before last one.

Yes, I do know for a fact that her H was threatening him. He told me himself, and in fact, slid thru my H's office parking lot in his truck to confront my H. So this is true.Her H called me alot with ?'s as well.

The A lasted for 1 month from what I can tell and my H says the same.

The deodorant and TB explanation...TB he said was because he went to the dentist a couple of weeks before that. That he had to brush his teeth before he went..but a couple of things don't sit right with me on that one. Deodorant..well, he said he wasn't sure..that it could be our son's or it could have been for some other reason, not really sure if any answer was definitive.

Yes, I do understand what he says, and did as well. His basic explanation was that I didn't help in the way that he needed. He says that I should have hugged and just told him that it would be OK when he was having probs instead of trying to point out the good things about him and pump him up that way and tell him not to worry about what other people thought so much.

Mind you, right before this, my grandfather had just passed away and he was more or less a father to me. My brother and I had been taking care of my 92 year old grandparents for several years. He had Parkinsons and had started to affect him severaly, to the point that he couldn't get out of bed and had a catheter etc...For months before his death, it was quite strenuous and my H said that it was during those months that he felt that I wasn't there for him. To me, that's pretty selfish....My grandfather worshiped the ground my H walked on....

As far as the credit card, my mom has a credit card in my name for my business trips. When I first started taking business trips, our credit cards were not maxed out, but too high to accomodate the expenses of my trips. My office would reimburse immediately, so I would give her the money to pay off the card that was due to my trip and we have just always continued to do this. I would always have the card in case of emergencys as well.

My H went with me on a trip to Vegas and when we returned, he started using the card. For approx one year, he charged gas and food and that's it...nothing for other people or the other W or any other W for that matter. 99% of it was for gas....Yes, the card had my name on it, but it was my mom's.

Only when I talked with my mom at the other W did I find out about the credit card chgs. She never told me either. So that hurt too. I know that part of my H's problems were stressing over how to pay back that amount of $.

No I do not know for sure that the places he stayed when he was away are actually where he stayed. There's no way I can prove that or disprove that.


Now we know this lady works in the business office at my kids school. Well, it's been said that she has been messing around with others in town as well. (Gosh, what a twisted little town). Her H is a teacher in a nearby city. I have been praying so hard for them to move, leave town.

Last night my H came in and had talked with a mutual friend and apparently, the other W's husband had rec'd a letter at school last week stating, "We don't trust your wife with our husbands or your daughter with our sons, so be a man and leave town." signed, (name of town) Community.

Of course my name comes up in this. They think I wrote the letter. I can see where they would think this, but I did not. I know that I have to handle this situation with grace, dignity and tact and in fact, if I had something to say, i would def say it to their face. Our mutual friend also said the same thing and that if I was going to say anything to them, that I would have already done it.

Just another time that I feel that I am taking the fall for others stupid mistakes, but that's ok, because I can rise above it.

My H last night said that he deserves to be happy too and that he wishes that I could help him like I do others. I do that. He doesn't get it, feel it, see it, remember it. He remembers when others do something that make him feel good, but not me it seems.

He has said that he would do anything it took to make things right, but then he comes back and says that he just can't fight the fight anymore, that i'm still not there for him and that it hurts him too much. Of course this comes about when we have even a little disagreement, not a huge fight or anything. We have lots and lots of good days, but he chooses to focus on the bad days.

i tell him that I know the pain that he's going thru because I went thru it all in the summer when all of this happened. That i had to go thru my grandfathers death by myself, and then have to deal with all of this crap.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't take his poor pitiful me crap anymore....I try to help him with the bills, i do the housework, help with the animals, remind him of things he needs to get done and bball games and other school functions, fix his food everyday, wash his clothes everyday, help with the animals, listen to him vent...i try to be a motivator, friend, wife, and be-all to him. He has to help himself at some point. Every little thing gets him down and then comes my part to try to help him see the blessings in his life and understand that life has a few bumps in the road.

Could it be that he'll never help himself? Again, like i said before, he was always so optimistic, full of life, spirit, and was such a giver. Could it be that he is so numb that he just can't feel anything? Do you ever get that back?

It always seems to be something with him that is in question and it shouldn't be that way. By this I mean, from other posts, the hotel phone call (unexplainable), No Caller ID calls (unexplainable), suddenly staying late at work (explainable by him, but unusual as this hasn't happened since the A).

It's wearing me out....