Hello,
Not sure where to start as this is my first time here. Have tried a couple of different message boards earlier on and then had to stop. To depressing, they all say I will be fine without him in my life and that it only gets better. I am sorry but I personally know of no one who is better after they have been cheated on and left for someone else. It hurts and it stinks and I am finally mad I guess. Mad at what he is throwing away. To put it as short as possible. Husband left to work out of state, in construction. Would come home every other weekend. Not really able to move there with him as at the time he did not think it would be permanent and also financial issues. The facts: married over 30 yeras, 3 kids, one a teen still, Grands and also a mother living with us for the last 15 years (both parents were there while Dad was dying of emphasema). To make a long story shorter, secretary moved down there (she worked up here too, they have known each other for 8 years everyone says she is so nice, he felt flattered by her attention , one thing led to another and lo and behold he doesn't want to be married anymore. Told alot of lies about not having an affair and then later found out he did. Told the kids he just didn't want to be married anymore. Told me he never wanted to marry me in the first place. This is a man who no one and I mean no one can believe is acting this way, our kids are deeply hurt as he has basically stopped being Dad also. Hasn't seen the grand kids since June, and oldest son will not even speak to him, he says he doesn't have a father anymore. It is so very sad. And all for a woman who I have read in the posts here, is just so not worth it. SHe has been married 3 times and has even introduced her kids to my husband. My kids would die if I came home and told them here is this married man I am dating, I want you to like him and be ok with that. NO WAY would they ever. They have all told him they will never accept her, but like you also say here he does not care or even see what he is doing to them too. She has told him the kids will be fine. We did go to counseling and seperately him there me here, he lied to his and to me so it didn't do much good. Am having a hard time dealing with being happy and the holidays and just everything are so very hard. I have loved this man for almost 40 years how do you just stop?

Have you exposed this affair to anyone?

No one here will tell you to just give up.

Give it a couple of months at least for him to realize what he did. By then, if you are willing to forgive him, you can take him back.

But, then again, he might actually fall in love with her if what you said is true that she is really "so nice."

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, SMA...

We understand where you are and where you've been. How the person you knew as your partner seems to now have been abducted by aliens...bears a striking resemblance physically only.

First thing I want to share with you is that this isn't about OW (other woman)...she's not real. You're his real wife...your marriage is real. She's a fantasy...up to you to know this and choose to believe this.

Next, have you read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley? If not, please get it right away.

Are you legally divorced now?

If not, you can set your goal to saving your marriage...totally your choice. Not dependent on what others say, 'k? Your choice is yours...and goals are our own.

In the book I recommended, there are two plans...Plan A and Plan B. When you set your goal, you make a plan...Harley lays great groundwork.

In Plan A, you expose the A to everyone, his family, her family, your own. You expose to his employer. Living in truth is a great relief after living in lies from a wayward spouse.

None of this will make him do/think/not do anything. Your choice to live in the light, not the darkness.

As far as stopping acting like a dad even as he stopped acting like a husband, this is really common. Isn't forever...just right now. Now what you are experiencing is right now, 'k?

Reasonable for you to be experiencing intense pain, sadness, fear and anger. Great way to help with those signals (emotions) is to read, learn...channel your energy into knowing and understanding marital relationships, how they work, how they don't, what harms, and learning healthy boundaries for yourself.

Was the way I did it.

Read the Basic Concepts here...all the articles here...get His Needs, Her Needs by Harley, too...and "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend.

You're not wrong to not want to let go...you're more in reality of his choices, and I believe, you're not seeing your own. Reasonable since you're in crisis right now...know this is and accept it is...and that it's not forever. You don't know tomorrow any more than I do...or any other human.

You choose. He chooses. He's in the wayward fog right now...better to focus on your stuff than his, otherwise, it can be contagious.

We have posters here who recovered their marriages after having been in your shoes. All A's end...they really do. Harley says they die a natural death within two years. We have had couples divorce and later, reconcile. Read the plans, know what Harley talks about from his 30 years experience...you can save your marriage.

Mind where your focus is...if it's all over him, then your pain will be doubled...because you will add your betrayal to his betrayal. You have power and limits...they are unchangeable. Getting to know them can aid you fighting for your marriage and owning your life and how you experience it.

No matter the outcome (which you don't control)...you can benefit from being here and posting, SMA. Thank you for acting brave and posting...know you are brave, 'k?

LA

Your WH appears to be following the script, which is good news because it means he will very likely respond equally predictably to the treatment.

You can get through this, and your chances of recovering your marriage are good, as well. It's way to early to talk of giving up - you're just about to start to fight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SMA57 - just a word of warning BestAdvisor aka bum advisor is a troll. If you want to save your marriage you can put her on ignore by clicking her name and then clicking "ignore this poster"

Unfortunately there is nothing else you can do to stop dumbasses giving advice here.

Welcome SMA,

You've come to a good place.

If you have not D, then there is hope. All A's seem to follow the same scenario. There is a vulnerability in the M (yours might be his travel), one S doesn't protect their weaknesses and they begin down the slippery slide.

Don't despair. There's hope.

First step is to expose the A to anyone who might have influence with your WH. From your post it sounds like the OW is single? If so maybe exposing to her parents would be a start. No doubt, expose to people (boss, etc) at work. See exposure is your only tool that YOU can use to break up the A. A's thrive in secrecy. Expose them to light.

Next read up on PLan A and B. Basically, plan A is you trying to meet the emotional needs of your WH as much as possible. You try to eliminate LB (love busters) which cause love units to be withdrawn. You become a beacon showing him the way home. You don't talk D, you only talk M.

Start with plan A. Try to improve you and make you an attractive choice. This may help:


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


Your WH will not be happy about your exposure. Your M can survive that anger, but it can't survive his A if left alone. So don't tell him in advance, just do it.

He has already started to rewrite your marital history. He will do that to justify his actions to himself. They all do it. It helps lessen their guilty feelings.

Don't believe his words. And don't listen to them. Understand he is addicted to this feeling he gets from the A. It's not about OW or you, it's all about him.

This is not your H, he is a WH. And his thinking is clouded by the A fog.

Keep reading here and read Surviving an Affair to get an understanding of the dynamics of an A.

You WH is following the script.

There is hope.

Even if there is a D, there is hope. Remember Mortarman and many others.

Yes Neak you are right. Mortarman is a great example.

SMa
A's are the epitome of selfishness and entitlement. Right now it feels soooo good to your WH, he can't see straight. Thus...the fog. The A is like an addiction, like being addicted to crack. Your WH will do anything...give up anything to get his fix. It's sad and unbelievable to watch first hand. They just keep telling themselves that their BS was to blame fro everything and they never loved them to begin with.


A's usually end. There are a very small percentage of them that end in a M. Most WS come home.

So...what's with his job? Is this a permanent job out of atate or is it temporary?

Hello again,
Husband is in construction and person he works with went down to Miss. after Katrina, asked husband to come too. Construction where we live is very slow.
I however just wish he would come home and of course I have offered to go there, but it was to late I guess. She was already there and he just wants her. Long distance relationships are hard for sure. Trying to do the not communicating thing but he is fine with that, he doesn't miss anyone. At least I don't think he does. I think he would be fine if he didn't see any of us again and he could just pretend he never had kids. I don't know what happens to men when they do this. It is so inconsievable to me. I also can not understand the other woman, supposedly she was cheated on by her last husband and she left him because of it. So how in the world when you know how bad this hurts people are you able to do this to someone else. She knows full well about all of us and she says the only one who matters is my husband and his needs. She said she thought long and hard about the effects this would have on our family and she chose to do it anyway. She says she is encouraging him to have a good relationship with his kids. Is she nuts or what??
Sorry but I truely do not understand.
Thanks for listening.

Her only problem is she wants your husband and will do and say whatever is necessary to get him. She probably has him lined up as hubby #4.

Read all about Plan A. That is where you should be, not Plan B. You want to give him an attractive alternative to his affair.

How long is he going to be away?

Were there things that he complained about BEFORE the affair? If so, you need to be working on changing them.

This has been going on since last Dec. although I did not find out until Feb. of 07, asked him what was the matter because he was diferent. He later called and told me about OW, but they had not done anything. I like an idiot believed him, went down to staty with him for a while and came home, he did not want me there. It went back and forth like that for a while, him saying she was not in the picture and me believing him. In June he told the kids, he didn't want to be married anymore. Left out the affair part. Suppossedly they weren't having one anymore, he just didn't want me any more. Then found out in Sept that it had never ended. Haven't talked to him much since then, neither have the kids. He calls our teenage son a couple of times during the week for 2 minutes at the most. It is very hard on him. He was used to having a dad who he did everything with, now he has nothing. No action on divorce on either of our parts. I will not do it ever, I just won't as I know I will never date again. Believe me when I say that I will not. I won't let another person in my heart to hurt me ever again, and he will never not be there. Sorry just don;t know how people can do this to each other and how she can either. That I truely can not comprehend. Thanks again for listening <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

We posted at the same time. See above.

Also have you exposed the affair to their HR at work?

Husband has since told me something that hurts a great deal. He said one time we were having an argument and he says he told me that we would never argue again. He meant it, I of course have no clue what the argument was about. Beleive me we do not fight and no one would ever know that we were not just married. He never complained about anything and always seemed happy. But I think at that moment he just shut off, so how in the heck am I supposed to know he is unhappy if he doesn't let me know? That is why this is so hard that he doesn't think that we love him enough to want him to be happy. With us though not with her. She says and he does, if I loved him enough I would let him go so he could be happy. How can he think that we can all just think what he is doing is ok?

His boss knows about it, she has been his secretary on and off for 8 years. No one does anything, it is a small company and they have there hardest worker happy. He is the head forman and works circles around everyone so they won't do anything to make him leave. My friend says they probably paid her to come down there and do this to get him to stay. I know that is not true but it still hurts that these people he works for are so uncaring. His bosses daughter used to be my sons girlfriend and I have known him and his wife for 16 years. It amazes me what everyone thinks is ok.

Welcome to MB and I'm really sorry you're here.

Please listen to the advice you're being given here (except Best Advisor who has no clue about MB and the way it works) and take heart. As far as exposure, are there other family members that you could expose to? What about church? Close friends? What about her family members? Her children? Her exes? Who says the boss knows? Your WH? Are you sure? Does the boss' wife know?

Keep posting. We're here to help you work through this. (((SMA)))

Sorry it has been a while since I posted, have been playing plumber and handyman trying to stay busy. It seems to help. I know that his boss knows, and I also know that he has een introduced to her children, I do not know if they know he is married or not. He says he thinks they know and are fine with it. Seems unbeleivable to me. I know my kids would not be, that is for sure. If I came home with a man and said here is my new boyfriend he is married and his family doesn't want him to leave but I think it is ok. Can't imagine. I am trying to stay strong and not beg or plead or any of the other things I shouldn't be doing. But it is hard to see him and not be sad when he leaves. He was here this weekend (to see our son) but also to ring her home so she could have thanksgiving dinner with her family, they had it this past weekend) I guess because there are so many different families there. When he left here he went and picked her up and took her back with him. He will not be here for Thanksgiving and we are all finding that very hard. My middle son called him the other day and lectured him for 30 minutes probably. Nicely but stating how he felt. He wonders what is so good about her that he is leaving his whole family for her. It is sad.