a little back story.

I am not really new to this site i posted here about 6-7 years ago when I was going through my divorce and posted a little after the divorce.
This site along with a few self help books really helped me.

I dated a girl in college for about 4 years then got married to her. The marriage only lasted a few years because she became interested in another man. My life was crushed, my dreams were gone.
I had very little friends at the time and no family in my area. So i pretty much had to go at it alone. Luckily, I saw a doctor and got put on anti-depressants. Just medicated never any actually counseling.

A few years after the divorce i moved to another state for a good job. Things have been up and down but i have never really found my niche. Things never have felt right. All relationships i have had have not lasted long. And i dont really go out much because i am in my mid 30s and all of my friends are married and most of them have kids.


I never envisioned myself in my mid 30s divorced, no kids, no GF, and not really much future to look forward to.

HERE IS THE KICKER!

Like a dumb*** i did a search online for my ex (still curious after all these years). I found her myspace page. I know I know. stupid stupid stupid!!. But once i saw it i couldnt help myself. I looked at all the photos saw her current husband, saw that she is having a baby soon, has a big beautiful house, and is really happy.
Happy with her "soulmate" as she called it.

its been about 7 years. Honest i dont really want her back. I looked at her pics and i am not really attracted to her anymore. For some reason it is killing me though.

What am i doing wrong?? WHY cant i get over it?
Am i feeling depressed about seeing here because my life sucks right now?
or
Does my life suck because deep down inside i still cant get over the divorce?

It hurts when someone has done you wrong(or at least you felt like they did you wrong) and then it seems like everything is great for them. yet you are still in pain.


How long will it take for me to move on? Can i get my memories wiped?

I think 6 or 7 years is a little long on the bell curve but not disturbingly slow.

But reaching out for support here is perhaps an indication that you are finally prepared to address the issue.

I guarantee your xw's happiness isn't all it's cracked up to be. It was obtained upon the destruction of another (you) and you can't steal happiness.

That being said. She should be irrelevant to you by now. You should be able to look her up without remorse for yourself. Pity of her maybe.

You see...she had no biblical justification for divorcing you. The interim years of seeming happiness will be short lived compared to her upcoming eternity of condemnation. She remains in active rebellion to Him and it will cost her. The consequences for her immoral choices are sure to follow. She is to be pitied and prayed for.

You, on the other hand, have every biblical right to take anouther wife and make your life great. You've been stuck for far to long. Fill your life and make it great. How you do that is up to you but I'd suggest one step at a time...nothing more, nothing less.

Make lists of what you like to do with your life. Things you'd like to accomplish. Things you'd like to see. Visualize it. Consider alternatives to making it happen. Go back to school. Finish that degree. Take art classes. Write poetry. Go to church. Pray. Whatever...just don't sit there and accept it. There IS more out there. There are MILLIONS of singel women out there with their biological clocks ticking wondering the same thing you are about life.

Blessing flow from following God's revealled plan. Seek it out and the I guarantee your life will change.

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't
If you like to win but think you can't,
It's almost certain that you won't.

Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger woman or man,
But sooner or later, those who win
Are those who think they can.


You ARE a winner....live it.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - a great book I'd recommend to you is "A Rich Man's Secret" by Ken Roberts(?).

Thank you for your response.
Today i am not feeling as bad as I did last night. I do realize that I made a huge mistake looking her up online.
Things are not going great for me right now and that was the last thing I needed to see.

My major problem concerning her is I am still angry and resentful. Sure it goes away but then something will remind me and I will just get pi&&ed again.

I dont want her back I would not be in a relationship with her again even if she came to me tomorrow. I have even imagined what life would have been like if i would have still been married to her and I imagined it being miserable.

I feel like a freak. I am too embarrassed to talk to my friend or family about how i feel on this situation because i SHOULD be over all of it by now. you are right she should be irrelevant to me.

Plan of Action

What steps are u going to take to make you life better?

What are your hopes, dreams and goals?

How do you intend on achieving them?

You mustn't allow yourself to stagnate...alone.

Make your own life fulfilling.

Nobody else can or will.

It's up to YOU.

Mr. Wondering

I recommend some reading. Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen and Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. If you read both of these books all the way through, and you STILL have these feelings, I'd be amazed.

PS: I agree that your wife is not as happy as she may appear to be. Anyone who has to go online and post pictures of themselves and their family for all the world to see, and boast about how great their life is for no other purpose than just to boast, is definitely NOT 'happy.' And FWIW, I don't believe in "happy." Scripture tells us in Isaiah 66:2:

"On this one I will look: on him who is poor and of CONTRITE spirit."

Look up the word CONTRITE. When I did many months ago when I was in pain, doors open to enlightenment I never knew possible.

God bless.

Dont' be embarrassed about not moving on. It sounds like you just don't have your ducks in a row. You mention unhappiness, moving, dissatisfaction. Is it time yet for a re-evaluation of what you want out of life?

One of the most common things I notice in people is that they sell out what they want out of life by the age of about 25; take a job just for the money, and then it's downhill from there. You've only got so many years on this earth, so you might as well use them to do what makes you happy. I tell people to picture the things in life (whether they have them yet or not) that would make you happiest; picture yourself there; then trace the steps backward to where you are now, to figure out how to get there and get what you want out of life. If you've always dreamed of sailing on the ocean, how could you do that? You could buy a boat if you're rich and just do it; if you're not rich, you could move to a place where there IS an ocean; you could get to know the boating community; you could take courses in how to sail; you could pay off your bills and apprentice to a boat owner until you're qualified to sail your own boat; you could hire on as someone's captain, and take people on vacations on your boss's (or your) ship for a living.

Does that make sense? Whatever it is in your life that would make you wake up in the morning with a smile, figure out how to get to that point, and start working toward it! Don't stress about companionship; it will happen in good time, and when you're ready.

Your fulfilment needs to come from within you, not from getting someone else to fall in love with you. You can't control anyone besides yourself, so that's a lesson in futility. Become ok with yourself, first.