After a little bit of snooping work I found out my wife has an affair. She cheated on me almost my entire marriage with a best friend of mine who also happens to be married to her ex best friend. This went on 5 years and we have been married (if you can call it that) 6. Am I insane for even trying she has acted sorry but I know she does not know the true pain and sorrow.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. A long term affair is hard to get over, but many people here have recovered.

She needs to have no contact ever again with the other man for any reason. Also is she willing to be an open book and account for all of her time?

Smurf,

This is marriage builders and its goal is to build stronger better marriages. However, it is not marriage at all costs builders.

So it seems to me you need to take an inventory before you make any decisions. It needs to be a fact based inventory coupled with an emotional inventory.

The fact based inventory is really about your expectations of marriage coupled with whether these expectations have been met or not. If not then are they realistic? In short, in what ways has this marriage been good for you.

Next, is the emotional part and this is more difficult to quantify. Some people may have deep love for their spouse but are unable or unwilling to forgive. If that is the case, your decision is simple. If you feel you could forgive and are willing to work on the marriage, you need to ask WHY? Recovery is difficult.

Now you have not said if the affair has been ended. IF it has not, then you need to expose the affair to family and friends even co-workers of your W if that is sensible. You need to read about plan A and use this. You also need to be aware of plan B because often plan A will not end the affair and you must withdraw from her to protect your love of her while the affair plays out.

We need more information about this affair and its status. You are correct to wonder if you have had a marriage give the length of the affair and your marriage. Do you have children by this marriage? If not, the many including me would suggest you walk away and start again with someone with better understanding of marriage and boundaries to protect it.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

God Bless,

JL

Welcome, I know the "insane" feeling. Really stinks.

heftysmurf, do you have any children together? If you have children, it would be worthwhile trying to rebuild.

We have a 2.5 year old daughter. I am trying to reconcile and have a good amount of psychology training myself.

I am at the following point which for me I think is pretty good so far for one week.

Their is no contact with the OM and his wife knows as well.

She loves me and has no romantic interest in the OM.
She has a feeling I am trying to "get her" and always has. She did this affair because she hated me.
We filed out the personality test I am ready to make the changes I need in me. If it is with her or someone else so be it but man I want to try for my daughter. I still do not know if I can but I will try.
I took a step back today when I suggested she spend a saturday night and sunday afternoon with NC. She thinks I am trying to take away our daughter. I am not. I think she is a good mother. She had a reaction that I would not have. If it would have been me on the other end I would have realised wow I messed up and do deserve this. I jeapordized our family for nothing. It came accross to her that I was taking her daughter. The selfishness and disdain for me is coming out.
The reason I want to do this is to put an ! on what she did so she really relizes what WILL happen if her ways were to continue.
I had the jolt of my life to my system. I never knew of anything so heainous to happen. At 3 months of marriage for over 5 years. The pill I have to swallow to make this work is gigantic. Nobody has ever done unto me like that. I do not know how many MB's would even try.
I am starting to think I need to stop trying but my daughter is my world. I would not have her all the time like I do know. I feel as if I am jumping on a sword and she is not willing to do the same. It comes back to ME ME ME.

HS,

How did you find out? Confrontation or did W spill the beans?

Have you looked over some resources available at this site? I think that most would recommend reading "Surviving an affair" first before anything else. Otherwise a Plan A should be implemented followed by a Plan B if necessary.

Are you both talking? Is she realing showing remorse?

I feel bad that you are going through this and especially if you were broadsided. Most poster (s) here will feel your pain and recognize what you must be going through.

You came to the right place though.

Lot of good people here (educated) that offer alot of help.
Come back regularly and often. Prayers be with you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you. I would say it was blindside even though and I cannot put my finger on it I knew something was going on. I put that keylogger on her computer and the cork came off. I did not know the extent of it till she fessed up to me. Then I was really blindsided as I trusted my friend alone with my wife. I believe she was honest because what she told me was so heinous. I do not care about me in many ways in any of this. I only care for my daughter. She is why I am here and not at divorce court or jail instantly.

Are you saying that, within three months of being M'd to you, she hated you enough to start an A and continue it for five years?

I wouldn't believe A WORD your WW is saying at the moment, because that all sounds like fog-babble to me.

Question: given that this is a 5-year A and your DD is 2.5 years old, are you sure that she actually IS your daughter? I'm not saying this to be cruel - it's just something I think you need to confirm rather than just take her word for it.

Me - I would walk away AND try to take my daughter with me. IMO your WW either has serious emotional issues and/or has little respect for you, to do something like that within three months of being M'd to you.

I instantly got a paternity test she is mine (thank God). I am trying to figure out what is best for her. I see four ways this can pan out.

1) we build from this and I find a way to see through this. That is best for my daughter
2) I help my maybe ex wife fix herself in some ways so i know that when she is away from me she is in good hands. That would be a good solution as well.
3) I stay and am miserable and we have an unhappy life together. This is not good
4) I recover she doesnt i am afraid everytime my wife is with my daughter.

Smurf,

Of the 4 options you have listed which one does your W want?
Which one do you deep in your heart want?
Which one deep in your intellect do you want?

There is a lot of work to do, and the fact that this went on for so long with you just married worries me. How old are you and your W? It is possible that with maturity she will actually learn something, but if her sense of entitlement is raging and has raged all along, there is not much you can do.

I am not trying to sound negative. I am wondering what the other side of this looks like to your W. I am sure she has rewritten history as MiM has pointed out. This is something WS's do to justify something they KNOW is wrong. But, the reality she has been living her lie for a long time and therefore, it can and may become her truth no matter how good an H you were.

This brings me to a question that will see odd to you. As you look back what could you have done better as an H? As a father? As a man?

I ask this because in someways you will have to lead this recovery if there is to be one and often one leads by example. If you want her to change you have to be willing to change things, and more often than not it is the betrayed spouse, BS, that has to show the WS how to do it. It is part of plan A actually.

So where does your W stand on things now? How long has no contact been in place? What plans does she have to protect this marriage and herself from getting back into the affair? She should have detailed plans and you should be discussing them with her.

I will stop now but I hope you see where I am going. If this recovery is to take place it will NOT happen with "I'm sorries" and such. It will happen because it is planned and executed with mutual goals and mutual assistance.

God Bless,

JL

No contact has been over a week now. I am 34 and my (ex)wife is 29.
I think we have a very small window to recover but I do not know if I can do it.
I know now what I would need to do as a husband and have already changed. You must admire adore and cherish your wife the actions and words. Is it worth it?

HS,

I like your screenname.

Do you only do things based on knowing ahead of time if they are worth it?

Can you conceive of a thriving, respectful, fulfilling and mutually loving marriage? Harley knows it's possible...many of us are living proof.

When you own your own goal...and you act from it...the outcome is where it always was...out of your hands. What you determine are your results.

First comes your own commitment to your goal. Choosing to save your marriage would give you in the end, the knowledge you did everything possible...something you could tell your daughter one day...in your highest honesty.

You are able to do this...only depends on you and your own choices...what is within your power, under your own control. Choice remains yours.

I don't think it's about admiring, adoring and cherishing your wife...I believe it's about owning our choice to love our partners and act from our love...choosing to meet ENs, eliminate LBs, prioritize our time and actively protect (four rules of marriage), in our constant honesty...because that's who we really are...not dependent on them.

LA

Whether its worth it or not is not only about the probability of success. Its about you and your values. Is it worth it to try? Thats up to you. If you try and fail, was it still worth trying? That depends on how important it is to you that you made every effort and gave your marriage every chance YOU possibly could. At the end of the day, after all your effort, the outcome is still out of your hands, because it does not only involve you. Only you can answer the question "is it worth it", because only you know what its worth.

I just cannot belive this is happening to me. I feel numb.

Many of us have been there. It sucks, we know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

HS,

Infidelity is traumatic...feeling numb, shocked, world inside out is reasonable, understandable.

You're not crazy and you're not really inside out...you may be feeling that way.

I believe this is why Plans A & B really work...when in shock, our focus doeesn't know where to go...seems to spin its tail in the what ifs and if onlys...once you make your decision if you are doing this or not, you can focus on a plan.

A little over one week of NC...are you guys spending the 15 hours of Undivided Attention (UA) together? Did you check out the Recreation Inventory?

Keep verifying NC. Did you expose to everyone, including OMW?

LA

Exactly WHY did you do this? To frighten her? To teach her a lesson? I know you are upset with your wife and for a very good reason. However, because she has a reaction you would not have had does not make this reaction "wrong" or "selfish" If you have any hope of recovering your marriage this kind of thinking is certainly contraindicated.

That is the twist on this. I told the OMW. She also happens to be my wifes ex best friend. I think some of the trauma I feel is because we were so close it was easy for them.
I am going to try before the NC weekend to be as nice as possible the next few days. I believe it is the only way she can ever even begin to understand how this will effect her (and me too) if we do divorce (man I NEVER thought I would be writing that word) or if she EVER does this again.

I am reading Surviving the Affair right now. The feelings you have right now, however, painful, are very normal. Get this book, it is so insightful, and has really made me a lot better. Work on Plan A. Trust me, you want to follow this. I didn't, not at first, but find that in following it and not doing any LB, it helps. It makes the lines of communication more open. It seems like a lot of work, but only you can decide if your marriage is worth saving. And post, because this place is a lifesaver. Remember, patience is a virtue. This did not happen overnight, and it is not going to heal overnight either. Remember, take care of yourself too. It is easy to see where you went wrong, but actually doing something about it is a different story. You cannot control your BS behaviors, but you can control yours.

Heftysmurf, I too have that insane feeling. You are not alone. I think every single person on this board has felt those feelings or are still having those feelings. I have been given such good information here and the people here are good and caring.