Hello all. I have run into something for the first time since my divorce that is really upsetting me. I have dated a number of women, and, as usual, it often does not work out. But, lately, I have been dating a woman who can be very nice, but she has started using a lot of what the Marriage Builder people would call Disrepectful judgments. Or so I think.

For example, the other day were doing some errands and I got distracted by certain work related issues. I am guilty of letting work issues interfere with our time together. But, he take on this is "You are self centered, you only think of yourself". In my mind that is what Dr. Harley calls a disrespectful judgment.

She has started to do this very often. She won't say "I wish you had called, I wanted to spend time with you Tuesday evening". Instead she will say "You just are not capable of thinking of other people". Or, if we disagree on a movie to watch she will say "Your taste in movies is superficial."

I am getting tired of this and it is ruining a good relationship. As you might imagine, these comments are effecting how I interact with her.

Your thoughts on how to get out of this would be appreciated.

Auto

Are you dating my wife?

Draw on her comment "You just are not capable of thinking of other people" and reply with

[color:"red"] You're right; you aren't surprised that I am breaking up with you then [/color]

and then do it.

Break up...you aren't married and that is essentially what dating is about...to get to know what they are like BEFORE you marry. Be glad that you dodged a bullet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

jmho
committed

I am starting to reread Harley's advice on how to have a strong marriage. Most of it would work well in a dating relationship.

I am not sure what to do at this time since we have enough history between us to have something to save, if it can be saved. If not, at least we are not married.

ROFLMAO, Pariah...and yet...good question.

Auto...my advice is that now you're hearing DJs...and hearing the disrespect and fantasy in them...identify where you might do them, too.

And yes, I'm with committed's advice. However, it's a great opportunity to enforce your boundaries progressively...predetermine what you will do the next time she DJs, (usually first enforcement is stating it's unacceptable and why)...and if she continues, to remove yourself from her presence for a set period of time, saying when you will return and be sure to return (usually 20 minutes or so...to let the flood-anger-pain drugs drain out of your body)...and third time is removal for a few hours or days...stating when you will return.

I think it's essential to do this because then you grow on your own...which means whatever awesome relationship you're about to have, you'll be half of it.

You don't control her choice to abuse (and this, btw, is verbal abuse)...you sure own your half of the dance. I don't believe we learn much from cutting and running...for the flip side is to have taken all her compliments "You're very handsome, smart, take-charge, kind, etc." Same thing...her defining you. Instead of "I find you very handsome and believe you're really smart. When I saw you do this, I perceived you to take charge. I also believe you're kind"...so you can have a mate who owns her stuff...and you own yours.

You go, Auto...no, really, go. Go now.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

(I'm not as funny as Pariah...doesn't stop me from trying)

LA

she is using these comments as a way of making herself better, in her eyes, and if you believe her, then in your eyes, as in setting you up to be controlled, if you believe the crap. . .

ah, does a small amount of history justify a lifetime of DJs? i don't think so. . .

wiftty

I agree with wiftty - I think this woman is laying the foundation of how she thinks things should be in the marriage, and waiting to see if you take the bait. If you do, then great, you will have bought into the inferiority box she is painting you into. You know better than that - tell her to go find another fool.

AGG

I would show her your post, or write her a letter with similar informaiton in it and let her read it. In it state that you will not tolerate that anymore.

If she argues over it, or denies it, or tries to make excuses for it, then it is time to go.

If she accepts it and is actually able to have a meaningful discussion over it, then maybe she's worth keeping...until she does it again.

The directness of her comments (as you quoted them) leads me to believe that even if she knew and understood the concepts of disrepectful judgements and respectful persuasion, she would be a tough cookie to crack.

As you stated, you've dated a number of women and haven't had this problem before. Keep searching.

As for "getting out of this"...just do it. She can take it.

If she has made too many disrespectful judgements, it could be part of her character (judgemental) or way of thinking... and that's not easy to change!

Having said that, you can share with her Dr Harley's take on DJs and see if she realises how much her DJs affect you, and possibly other people in her life. If she's willing to make some changes, then it's a relationship worth working on!

I am going to put this out there since there is two sides to every story....

Are you guilty of what she is accusing you of?

Maybe she thinks she is being Radically Honest...the Harleys encourage that.

So think about it...are you doing the things that she says you are doing...and you just don't like the way she is saying it?

committed

I believe I admitted to being guilty of certain things in my initial post. Guilt or innocense is not the issue. The issue is how to resolve a conflict without resorting to the LoveBusters that Dr. Harley talks about.

Dude, this aint marriage. If you are married, or maybe engaged, then concern yourself with Dr. Harley's marriage building/saving methods. Dating is about finding someone that won't do those things to you period.

Its beautiful, cause if she does these things, you have the easy as pie options of droping her like a bad habit, or putting her in the casual dating/booty call box.

If you were guilty, then I believe that she was being Radically Honest with you when she told you how you were behaving.

STOP behaving like that and I am sure that there would be no need for her to point these things out...which means that you will not behave in a love busting way.

Problem Solved

committed

Radical honesty is one thing, but being disrespectful about it is another. Saying "you are self centered" is a disrespectful judgement and not anywere near a constructive honest sentiment that could potentially make him change his ways.

If she can't do it right, then she should either learn, or stop all together.

Although once again, this is not marriage. He should just move on.

It ain't his JOB to teach her.

He can only STOP his behaviors that contribute to bad behavior.

Hey...I told him in my first response that he has dodged a bullet and to move on...

It doesn't appear that is the type of answer he wants.

He wants to know how to stop his LBs...

and my answer to that is ....

STOP contributing to the exchange...

committed