The best way to lead anyone anywhere is by example.

So how do YOUR Buyer skills rate?



* Is there currently an issue in your marriage that you are dissatisfied with but haven't wanted to bring it to your spouse's attention?

A Buyer is emotionally honest with themselves and with their spouse


* Is there a situation in your marriage you are dissatisfied with but are just tolerating?

A Buyer understands that sacrifice leads to resentment


* When your spouse tells you that they are dissatisfied with something you are doing, do you get defensive?

A Buyer understands that criticism indicates a need for change


* Do you ever utter the phrases, "If you loved me, you would..." or "What can I do to change his/her mind"?

A Buyer seeks solutions to conflict that are a win for both spouses.


* Do you ever think that maybe you and your spouse are just incompatible?

A Buyer understands that the way to build compatibility is through successful negotiaton.


* Do you ever go along with something you aren't really enthusiastic about just to end a conflict?

A Buyer believes that marriage is long-term and knows that short-term solutions will not provide long-term marital enjoyment.


* When you negotiate with your spouse, do you tell your spouse that you don't enthusiastically agree and your negotiation ends there?

A Buyer understands that requiring their spouse to sacrifice is dangerous and is to be avoided.


* When your spouse approaches you for negotiation, are you disrespectful? Do you roll your eyes, make disrespectful comments such as "You're never satisfied with anything"? Do you attempt to invalidate their request?

A Buyer knows that in order to successfully negotiate, the negotiation process must be safe and pleasant for both spouses.


* Do you ask your spouse to do things you know they don't truly want to do for you in order to prove their love?

A Buyer knows that love is not measured by sacrifice.

* Do you feel as though you have given and given in your marriage and if only your selfish spouse would give a little, you might have a happy marriage?

A Buyer knows how to balance both their Giver and Taker. A Buyer takes responsibility for their own satisfaction and doesn't blame their spouse for their dissatisfaction.


While it is controlling to attempt to force someone to change, you can change yourself. And if the input that someone receives is different, often the output will be as well. If you change the way you react to your spouse, likely they will change the way they react to you.

Thanks Froz,

This comes at a very good time for me; examining myself and WHY things don't SEEM to be moving forward. (Hint, truth is they are--just not at my Taker's pace... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />)

Awww...c'mon!

No one but silentlucidity and myself is willing to fess up to being Renters?

I fess up and agee with what Silentlucidity said.

mvg,

We are on the same recovery timeline, it seems. I feel comfort knowing that what I'm experiencing is NORMAL, in terms of personal recovery, and that it can be overcome.

I don't trust PWC. I actually feel BAD for feeling this way. I WANT to trust him, but my rational self KNOWS that I never will fully trust him again. I know it must be like a dagger in his heart to KNOW that I don't trust him. I can't change that for him; I FEAR the way I do for a reason (or two or three), and it's not going to change overnight.

The lack of trust keeps me in the 'rentals' department. I'm hopeful that I can overcome the fear.

Renting is safe, buying is scary. I'm working on it.

I fess up.

All along, I thought that I was definitely a Buyer, but after reading those specific examples, I can see that I only met of few of them.

Hindsight sucks.

silentlucidity we do appear to be on the same time line.

The lack of trust keeps me in the 'rentals' department. I'm hopeful that I can overcome the fear.

After being a buyer, and I truly believe I was UNTIL...It is very scarey and renting does seem safe. Just a tad lonely tho at times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

LB, hindsight does suck!

Different take, what WILL make you a buyer again?

Hi, I'm Froz and I'm a Recovering Renter.



Excellent question!

And to quote Dr. Harley...

"It is easier to change your attitudes and beliefs when your behavior is consistent with them. Right now, you are probably acting like a Freeloader or Renter. If I were to try to convince both of you to become exclusively and permanetly committed, like a Buyer, your Freeloading or Renting habits would quickly destroy the reasonableness of that commitment."

You begin becoming a Buyer by first changing your habits.

It isn't necessarily your desire for permanence in your marriage that categorizes you as a Renter (a common misconception, IMO).

Rather, it is the HABITS and MINDSET of a Renter that PREVENTS the relationship from being successful permanently.

If you want long-term marital satisfaction, the habits of a Renter will destroy that likelihood. So how do you become a Buyer?

By learning NEW habits. By acting like a Buyer.

oh, I was a renter for most of my marriage because I believed in "either it works or it doesn't, and then you get out" BEFORE the A (so did PWC). Since the A's, I've realized that I want to become a buyer, to have the REAL thing, a real commitment, not some flimsy look alike.

That is actually a Freeloader's mindset.

In that situation, a Renter would be more likely to look for solutions...but only short-term solutions.

For example, if the issue is he wants to go to the ballgame and you want to go shopping.

The Freeloader would tell themselves that you just didn't like the same things and are therefore incompatible.

The Renter would look for a short-term solution that left one (or both) of you dissatisfied, such as his giving up going to the ballgame or your giving up shopping.

A Buyer would negotiate until you agreed on something BOTH of you would enjoy.

Ah, so I was a Freeloadin talker, with the actions of a Renter.

If there was a choice between doing what I wanted and doing what he wanted, I would just do what he wanted (sulking inside--oh, the sacrifice!).

Hi Froz! I don't see your history. Could you please tell me if you were a BS or a WS? I ask because I wonder if there is a different mindset for each. Make sense?

As a buyer I was relatively happy with 'owning the house'. It wasn't till I found out my WH was 'renting rooms' that caused me to re-evaluate the situation. Now I'm not so sure I want to own anymore. Seems alot easier for the landlord to take care of the maintantence than me.

I know that my mindset has to change. I too want a 'real' relationship with substance and intimacy. I want to be able to trust the house's foundation is sturdy and can weather a storm it just feels unstable at this point.

Hi.

My history...lol.

Do you want the short or long version?

The short version is that I am a BS.



Yes. I see where you are going with that. To some degree, you are correct.

Obviously Freeloader and Wayward go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other.



I get the impression that the definitions of Freeloader, Buyer and Renter are not fully understood.

Initially, I understood the definition to be pretty much along the same lines.

The term 'Buyer' doesn't necessarily refer to someone who wants to stay in the relationship for life.

The term 'Renter' doesn't mean someone who is just giving it time before they decide.

There is so much more to it than that.

Buyer/Renter/Freeloader is nothing more than a term to describe the way you handle conflict in your relationships.

Someone can be positive that they want to stay in their marriage for life, but manage conflict with a Renter's mindset.

And you can be unsure of whether or not you want to stay married in your current situation and still manage conflicts as a Buyer.

Being a...

Freeloader
Renter
Buyer

is about your HABITS and...

your habits pre-determine the success or failure of your marriage long-term.

Make sense?

Buyer, Renter, Freeloader

It is from another site, but is by Dr Harley.

Mark

Thanks, Mark!

My motivation for starting this thread is that I see an awful lot of Renters who really believe that they are Buyers and as a result seem very confused as to why their marriages are dissatisfying.

I see a BIG pattern...

Renter spouses married to WS's (Freeloaders) and even some FWS's who are still operating as Freeloaders (only without the presence of an A).

I see the Renter spouses blaming the Freeloader spouse for the lack of progress in the marriages, unaware of how they are contributing to the continuation of Freeloading by their spouses.

I would like to see these Renters STOP some of these habits because I believe that in a lot of these situations, it would be very possible for their Freeloaders to become Buyers by removing the Renting habits because I see how Renter-ness enables and directly contributes to Freeloader-ness.

So...

Remove the enabling and contribution - and quite possibly some Freeloaders could become Buyers and voila...a fresh batch of happy, rewarding marriages.

A pipe dream? Possibly. I've noticed another trend - that Renters do not at all seem to take kindly to the notion that they are contributing to the problem. Renters have sacrificed for so long that they can't seem to imagine it. After all, it's their selfish FREELOADER who is the problem, while THEY have gone above and beyond the call of duty with all of their sacrificing.

But I'm still hoping for the pipe dream. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Some really great info today, Froz! Thanks bunches!

SL and SC...

Welcome to The Club.

Thanks Froz!

I'd say I'm happy to be a part of the renter's club, but I'm envious of all those buyers and want to join their club, so let's get to work!

I agree.

What about starting with a list of things I am dissatisfied with - issues that I am currently sacrificing on and POJA'ing them?

Maybe that's too big a first step.

We're getting better in the POJA department, but it's hard.
Not because I am fighting with myself this time. I KNOW how to execute a Buyer's strategy.

It's hard because I feel like I'm fighting against him because he isn't being a Buyer (well, he is trying).

I want to join too! I always thought I was a buyer, but after reading your first post, I see I was definitely only a renter. What a shock!!!

And the funny thing is I bought the book for my niece as she is thinking of getting married. LOL.