You ought to share this with your wife once you get on your feet and get upright with God. It was pivotal in my wife and I's reconciliation..

What Does the Bible Say About Divorce?
by Pastor Dennis Rainey

In our culture today many see divorce as a positive solution to a troubled marriage. But Harvard sociologist Armand Nicholi III concluded, "Divorce is not a solution, but an exchange of problems." In a more personal way, novelist Pat Conroy said of his own marriage break-up, "Each divorce is the death of a small civilization."

One woman wrote after her divorce, "Our divorce has been the most painful, horrid, ulcer producing, agonizing event you can imagine….I wish I could put on this piece of paper for all the world to see, a picture of what divorce feels like. Maybe my picture would stop people before it's too late."

Marriage Is a Covenant

It should not be surprising that God declares, in Malachi 2:16, "I hate divorce!" And why does He hate divorce? One reason is that marriage is meant to be a special covenant between a man, a woman, and their God.

The vows I shared with Barbara went like this:

I, Dennis, take you, Barbara, to be my lawful wedded wife. I promise and covenant, before God and these witnesses, to be your loving and faithful husband; to stand by you in riches and in poverty, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live."

When we spoke these words, Barbara and I weren't agreeing to provide some personal services via a contract that could be terminated if one of us defaulted. Instead, we were entering into a covenant—the same type of sacred obligation that God made with His children on several momentous occasions, such as with Noah after the flood.

Any covenant—including the marriage covenant—is a binding, weighty obligation. In Proverbs 20:25 we read, "It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider his vows" (NIV). Deuteronomy 23:23 says, "You shall be careful to perform what goes out from your lips, just as you have voluntarily vowed to the Lord your God what you have promised." Jesus said that "every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment" (Matthew 12:36).

God takes the wedding covenant seriously, even when we do not.

God's Purposes for Marriage

Another reason God hates divorce is because it tears at the very heart of God's redemptive plan for the world. It is interesting to note the conversation between Jesus and the Pharisees in Matthew 19:3-9. When the Pharisees ask, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?'' Jesus answers by pointing them to God's purposes for marriage:

And He answered and said, "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, "FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'? "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."

One of God's major purposes for marriage is to mirror His image. After God created the earth and the animals, He said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." The account continues, "And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:26–27).

What does it mean to mirror God's image? Your marriage should exalt God and glorify Him to a world that desperately needs to see who He is. Because we're created in the image of God, people who wouldn't otherwise know what God is like should be able to look at us and get a glimpse of Him.

A second purpose is to complete each other and experience companionship. Scripture clearly outlines a second purpose for marriage: to mutually complete each other.

A third purpose for marriage is to multiply a godly legacy. God's original plan called for the home to be a sort of greenhouse—a nurturing place where children grow up to learn character, values, and integrity. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 tells us, "These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up."

Marriage is far more important than most of us realize. It affects God's reputation on this planet. That's why He hates divorce. And that's why it's essential for you to set Jesus Christ apart as the Builder of your home.

The "Exception Clauses"

If I could end this discussion about what the Bible says on divorce at this point, the lives of many pastors across this country would be much easier. But Scriptures also discuss what some call the "exception clauses" for divorce.

Earlier I quoted from the discussion between Christ and the Pharisees in Matthew 19. After Jesus refers to God's original purposes for marriage, He is asked, "Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?" Jesus then answers, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery" (Matthew 19:7-9).

Another passage, 1 Corinthians 7:15-17, tells us:

Yet if the unbelieving one [the spouse who does not believe in the marriage covenant] leaves, let him/her leave; the brother or the sister [the other spouse who continues to believe] is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? Only, as the Lord has assigned to each one, as God has called each, in this manner let him walk. And so I direct in all the churches.

However you interpret these passages, one thing is clear: God never ordained or created the institution of divorce. Man did.

Beyond that, the generally accepted interpretation among a majority in the Christian community is that these passages indicate there are a couple of circumstances in which God releases a couple from the lifelong covenant of marriage:

* In the case of consistent, unrepentant immorality (continued sin with no remorse, and no repentance)
* When an unbelieving spouse deserts a believer.

Most pastors and Christian leaders will discourage divorce even in these situations but ultimately will not discourage it when all other options have been exhausted, or if one spouse will not relent.

The minority interpretation among evangelical Christians holds that the only exception for divorce is death. A key verse in is Matthew 19:8 where Jesus says to the Pharisees, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way." In addition, Paul states in 1 Corinthians 7:24, "Each man must remain in that condition in which he was called….Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released."

Clearly, this is a difficult, thorny issue, around which there is much debate. But both sides on this debate would agree that most couples seeking a divorce today do so for unbiblical reasons . They cite reasons such as poor communication, incompatibility, financial problems, lack of commitment to the relationship, changes in priorities. In short, when marriage isn't working, the common solution is to get out.

If You Are Considering Divorce

During my years of ministry I've seen story after story of couples deciding to trust God for a reconciliation. Many have been on the verge of obtaining a divorce—even for reasons we might consider biblical—yet have decided instead to allow God to work in their relationship.

In our culture, which emphasizes meeting individual needs no matter the cost (so as to gain pleasure and avoid pain), I believe we need to challenge Christians to be open to trusting God's plan to come to pass in their marriage. Remember, God's plan is to redeem.

At this point, some of you might be saying, "Dennis, you just don't understand my mate and my situation." And you're right, I don't. However, given the seriousness of this subject, let me clearly say a few things here.

First, you need someone who is willing and able to walk with you during this time . Someone who will not just sympathize with you, but will also hold you accountable to look at the biblical issues and do what is right. I believe that if at all possible, the best person to do this is your pastor. Another person might be a counselor trained to use the Bible.

Second, you need to seek God in His Word and cry out to Him to know His ways and His heart for what you should do and how you should respond to your spouse. If you are looking to legitimize your reasons for divorce … slow down, even stop. Notice how much of Scripture is given to God's messages of forgiveness, reconciliation, peace, understanding, and patience.

How much value will you place on the vows you spoke to your mate before the face of your God? When you consider how much God values a covenant, what are the obligations of your marriage covenant before Him?

Will you be patient to wait for God to work in your marriage in a way you have not considered? Will you look to Him to give you the wisdom, the resources, the encouragement you need to do above and beyond what you ever could imagine or think?

Ask God to show you what you can do to rebuild your marriage. Remember, God specializes in redeeming the unredeemable. It is His preeminent desire for your marriage.

My wifey used god as an excuse to commit adultery and ultimately destroy our family.

Then my church asked me not to return because she divorced me over HER affair.

Whaddaya have for that?

Sorry to hear that. Very sad. Divorce tears at the very fabric of what God desires for the world: unceasing, unconditional love. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Our marriages are supposed to mirror Jesus' marriage to the church. That is, husbands are expected to love their wives as Jesus loves the church, unconditionally, no matter their deeds.

Really? How am I supposed to love my wife when she has wronged me and my family? She has destroyed us! First, sin does not destroy; instead, it seeks repentance, and thus renews life, as spring renews the leaves on trees. As the sun and warmth reconcile with the budding flowers in spring, God reconciles with us when we repent.

Why is reconciliation so important? because it is the cornerstone of Christianity. What does that mean? Jesus gave his life for mankind, even when mankind was in complete sin, and completely UNWORTHY of his father's love. Jesus' death RECONCILED mankind with God. Hence, the entire foundation of Christianity is hinged on RECONCILIATION. Therefore, reconciliation is the most Godly act a human can execute--especially when it requires extraordinary forgiveness for acts that have hurt others immeasurably, as acts of the world have hurt God immeasurably. To forgive and reconcile is to be Godly. I have a tough time believing that a Christian pastor would recommend one not forgive and reconcile.

Is your church Christian? When you say "my church asked me not to return," did the pastor give you that advice, or did members of your congregation?

I am not a pastor. But if I was, and a man approached me about divorce, I would give him this:

Eph. 5:23-32

"For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior... you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault (after baptism and repentance). In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body."

Christ gave his life for the church. We are expected to give our lives for our wives. For we are one. And our oneness is the one love with the Lord God Almighty.

Hockeydad,

My deadbeat husband had sex with multiple partners (male and female) AND his second girlfriend of 3 years and thousands upon thousands of pornographic pictures and videos. Was I supposed to keep supporting him financially and paying for his adultery and exposure to STD's? Would that have been the loving thing to do? Three and one half years of agony strapped to my back that most men or women don't have the strength to carry. Would you send me home to be more loving? I'm asking, because I'm having trouble seeing where the love is in that FOR ME. Was I destined to be ruined by joining myself with an evil man? Because, scripture tells us not to do that. It also warns us to be careful around the sinners we're commissioned to share the gospel with, "lest we be tempted".

Can you help me? Somewhere there's a scripture about strapping heavy loads to 'their' backs that they aren't willing (or able?) to carry themselves... I seem to recall such a scripture...

Most Christians, upon hearing my horrible story, fled. They fled. They couldn't help me, because they didn't know the answers to the hard questions. I had to go out alone on my own to find the real biblical help I needed, so I could stop enabling evil knowing my actions were within God's will.

A lot of us here are dealing with real evil, not just spouses in a bad mood and acting out.

Warrior.

OWF is real mouthy with zero action or compassion.

Kinda like my own church was.

Have dealt with the multiple partner thing, to. Disgusting. I'm sorry you had to endure that.


No. You should have distanced yourself from Him as the bible instructs us to do for a non believing spouse if they "want to leave." I did not stay with my spouse when she was acting a fool. I would not support her either, nor did I wish to be in her presence.


Understood. You said it "that most men and women don't have the strength to carry." God doesn't expect us to carry that kind of cross. Jesus already did that for us.


No, I would send you away from him to sanctify yourself, and to sanctify your "wayward husband" through prayer. But I would first want to know about YOU, your sins, your life, before I wanted to know anything about him. You are most certainly NOT without sin. I would help you get upright with the Lord, as I had to, and then I would study scripture with you to learn how YOU could purify yourself so your prayers were not hindered. Then we would pray without cease, and let the Lord bring favor upon us for our patience and undying faith and trust in Him.


The "ME" part is very telling. You are/were seeking justice. I should ask, have you read Job? If not, you must. All the answers to your questions about being treated unfairly are there in black and white. Job changed my life.


Destiny is another telling word. To be destined is to meet an end. There is no end for those who choose to live through him, with him, and in him--in UNITY with the Holy Spirit. His kingdom is forever. His love undying. His plan flawless. Again, read Job. To question his plan, even when it is painful, is to question his love. To question his love is to deny the entire premise of Christianity-- GOD IS LOVE and EVERYTHING he does is out of LOVE for us. Yes, even discipline and trials and tribulations are done out of love. Do you have children? Do you ever have to spank them? Or chastise them verbally for messing up? Do their feelings get hurt sometimes when you are firm with them? Of course they do. True love, such as the love from parent to child, is often firm, and sometimes hurts. So to is God's discipline of us. As for your husband being an "evil man," are we not evil men? Some of us have been saved, others have not, but NO ONE is beyond redemption. God is the REDEEMER OF THE UNREDEEMABLE.. and believe it or not he loves your evil husband as much as he loves you.


Agreed. But you're taking that part out of context. That is not specific to marriage. Marriage is a "different ball of wax" in God's eyes. The creation of man and woman is the basis for humanity and God's love. Marriage is a ministry. It is our greatest testimony to God's love. The non believer doesn't see this. But a wife can sanctify her husband through prayer, and repentance. Don't you know that GOD IS THE REDEEMER OF THE UNREDEEMABLE? Is your husband unredeemable? Do you think GOD believes he is unredeemable? Your husband should not have been asked to come back to YOU, he should have been asked to come to GOD. Only God can change your husband, not you. Why? Because you didn't make your husband, God did.

So, you say, my husband is dirt and will never change!!!! He's happy with who he is!! I said the same thing about my wife. I told my pastor "She will NEVER change. She is set in her ways and has decided to marry someone else." My pastor said, "She doesn't know that." I said, "Why do you say that?" He said, "Because she didn't make herself. GOD made her. HE will decide what she does. And you will influence Him and sanctify HER through your prayer and self redemption." And so it was. I am a living testimonial. She just got back from volunteering at St Francis House in Sacramento a few minutes ago. EVERYTHING has changed about my wife. And she didn't do it. And I didn't do it. GOD did it.


Galatians 6:5 -- "Every man shall bear his own burden."

God doesn't ask you to bear your husband's burden. God asks you to walk with Him, and trust His plan for you. Trusting His plan--in your case--means getting some distance between you and your husband, learning to walk with God, learning to trust him and hear his voice over all others, and then leaving the work to him... with no hate, resentment, stress, worry, anxiety, self doubt, or animosity in your heart. COMPLETE SUBMISSION.


They had never been to where you were. Ask me about the grand canyon. I haven't a clue. I'm not even sure what state it is in (Utah?). I may not know the answer, but I would research it like crazy if you asked it of me. Your "Christian" friends should have done the same. But it is GREAT that God asked them not to, because.....


This is what God wanted you to do obviously. A perfect plan for you and you followed it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


You didn't "enable evil." Evil has ALWAYS been enabled. We are not called to disable it. We are called to smother it with faith and devotion to our savior... "kill it with kindness"


EVERYONE on earth is dealing with REAL EVIL. Don't think your problems are any more evil than those others face. Evil is evil is evil. More specifically, it is not so much EVIL as it is our "sinful nature." Evil was ENABLED in the garden of eden. NONE OF US are free from its temptations. We all walk in sin. We all are not worthy. Thank God Jesus dies for us and reconciled us with God.

Now we must prove we believe... and pray the hardest when it is the hardest to pray

I pray for you and your family

OWF,

You have ASSUMED so much, nearly to the brink of my patience and I am a very patient woman. I will say, though, that you do speak the truth in most things, particularly about God's character.

You are right in your hopefulness, in your faith. Love hopes all things, endures all things, etc. However, to paint a picture for you... consider the phrase "don't look down", told to someone who is afraid of height, but having to endure it. We tell them that so they don't become more frightened and lose balance having been weakened by the sight. It's the same with the ugliness of sin in this life. Faith keeps us looking ahead, not down. But, tell the policeman or the fireman not to be affected by the sight of a mangled child in a car crash, or the decapitated mother, or the father who's face is no longer recognizable and will never walk again. But, the policemen and firemen have to look, because it's their job to clean up the mess. That's where many of us are and where we've been. Our spouses aren't coming back. Our families are destroyed, or at least, will never again resemble the blessed covenant places we once called home. (This doesn't mean there is no redemption for the sinner on either side of the fence.)

You are a happy ending preacher, preaching to a choir of people who have had their lives mangled and then blamed for the disaster.

I think your message will be better received in the "Just Found Out" or the 'still married' type sections. This is the "divorcing/divorced" section and we are licking the wounds of our mangled lives here. Or, tailor your preaching accordingly, please.

We need comfort. I don't have a disproportionate need for sympathy or think myself different than anyone else. Just like them, it is love and sympathy that heals me. And part of that is self-love, self-care. We are called to love others AS ourselves, not instead of ourselves. Many of us here didn't get that lesson until now.

I was baptized year six of my marriage, putting God in his rightful place on the throne of my life. Of course I am a sinner, just like my ex-husband. God has had a handle on my life since. I endured, in total since then, twelve years waiting on God to have my prayers answered. He has answered, I believe, every single one, except my prayer for a righteous, yet imperfect husband. I believe he sent this woman into my unrepentant husband's life to finally remove this terrible burden. I was everything love is for my husband and everything else he and my children needed, to the best of my ability. I couldn't leave (not divorce) him to himself, because he kept us financially strapped constantly and I had nowhere else to go. I believe that God's hand has been in everything and I have trusted him in everything (however difficult it was) and I did kill my husband with kindness. He simply took it and used it to his own ends (usually to bolster his opinion of himself) and then gave his passions to his girlfriend.

It was appropriate to "let him go". No amount of grace was enough for him and he ridiculed me for even suggesting truth (biblical principles that would provide grace for us both). This man rejects grace and truth. He wants to feel good this moment and the next and the world is wrong if he doesn't have pleasant feelings. Truth equals pleasant feelings to him. You and I know differently. We know the narrow road of doing right, but we are willing because we know the love in it and the everlasting joy that results.

I'm tempted to make a list of the dozens of things I've done, the things I've suffered willingly for God to do his work in my life and the amazing miraculous things that happened as a result, but I'm tired and I don't want it to be perceived as boasting.

Job. Yes, I've read it carefully.

I am God's. I trust His plan, yet I know His plan includes love for me. And in that love there is justice, because God is just. It just isn't up to me how or when.

Thank you for your prayers. I would especially appreciate you praying for my new family, the one I don't have yet.

If you want, you can pray for my ex-husband. His most recent antic was telling our oldest daughter that "he'll make her wish she was never born", because she wouldn't loan him money to make his rent. He now considers himself at war with her and said "let the games begin". She's 18, he's 50. I shudder at what God will have to do to reach a man like this.

Warrior

I do believe this pertains to our situation...

You're quoting the part from Job where his faith has degraded. You should quote the part where his faith has been restored by GOD's mercy, too. No?


This is where Job is rebuffing those who have come to him with wisdom. These are words he eventually comes to regret and even asks himself and God "how dare I question you O Lord"

?

I don't know what you are saying here..?

OWF,

Let me explain... Pariah is sympathizing with me. Job's experience is helpful from the perspective that he felt these things and it's good to know that someone understands. It's healing.

<"You should quote the part where his faith has been restored by GOD's mercy, too. No?>

Who says we lost faith?

Sometimes the most appropriate thing is to hear someone say, "I understand", in sorts of ways, then remain quiet. There's a time to mourn. It's much easier to bear it when someone will just 'be' with you. That's what Job's friends didn't do. That's what I believe many are doing here - looking to find people who can just 'be' with us. Some things can only be 'fixed' in God's time. In the meantime, it's nice to not be alone.

Warrior