I caught my husband in a lie last month about him hanging over at this woman friend's house-turns out he'd been hanging out over there every afternoon for quite some time "just watchin judge judy and having coffee". He said he was afraid I would read into it and get all freaked out so he lied. He's in the NA (like AA) program and so is she- so I went to her and asked her why she thought he would be lying about it- because I was worried about his falling back into using behaviors. She acted just as upset as me and we confronted him on it- I didn't feel anything to cause more flags other than this so I was more worried about him at this point- plus I figured I can't prove anything so if it is - I'll eventually find out. He held the I lied because I was afraid how you would react thing...
Whatever.
She was normal to me - we see her every Friday night- so I figured it was in the past and a done deal. Until the last two weeks...she was acting all stand offish - i figured maybe she was having a bad week or something, but it kept on- I asked my husband about it because he was no longer going over there- I figured maybe she was mad at me about that- he said no, she's probably got other things going on. Then this LAST Friday night, she was blatantly ignoring me and obviously mad at me. I couldn't figure out what I did...but felt sort of mad because if anyone should be mad it should be me. My husband kept telling me to let it go-it's her problem. Then at the end of the night I asked her and she said she was mad at me because I put her in the middle of my and my husbands "crap"- I'm like what???? Are you kidding me? I didn't do anything and she said yeah neither did I - to which I told her that was really unfair and wrong and basically crappy of her- and she said some snide remark and we ended up yelling at each other for about a minute until I left. My husband followed me out mad at ME saying I was so vengeful- I just couldn't leave it alone- I said she did it to me not me doinga anything and he said she didn't do anything I brought it all on myself because I couldn't keep my mouth shut and just let it go.
The next day I remembered seeing his car over there the prior Wed and thought that was really messed up - so I told him about that and said why could she be mad at me and hang out with you??? He said to my face he was not over there - I said I SAW YOUR CAR THERE- and he shut up. Wow - lie #2. Later I asked him if he still wanted to be married and after a pause he said I don't know. I asked why that was exactly and he said again, I don't know. I asked if he had been having an affair and he said no I was the only woman he had been with. Then proceeded to yell at me and say it was all my fault I just brought it all on myself- no one else was to blame. That was Sat and we haven't spoken since.
Is it possible to have an emotional affair? Why do I feel more upset at the fact I feel like I come second and she comes first than anything else. I am hurting more than I could ever remember hurting and am more confused than ever... any advise as to how to move on - he refuses to recognize my right to feel hurt by her and wronged by them both. I really do not know how to move forward. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Oh yes...it's definitely possible to have an E.A. My H said the same thing. It was "nothing" but couldn't tell me because I would freak out and make it into something it wasn't. That's the justification for them to make themselves feel better.

To me, an EA is as bad as a PA. I tried to explain to my H that he and I became interested in each other and fell in love, we talked, shared, looked forward to seeing and talking to each other etc...and that's what he was doing with the OW. Sharing and connecting on an emotional level. So naturally when he was doing this with another woman, I assume there are feelings involved.

It seems that the OW may be feeling some guilt at this point and is displaying it in the form of yelling, anger, etc... Unfortunately, you aren't alone. Yes, I too felt that I was second to someone else and that she was more important than me, my kids and all that we built over the years.

"I don't know" seems to be the magic answer. My personal opinion is that this is the easy way out~not having to lay out the details in an effort to keep themselves out of more trouble~again, it makes it easy on them.

It hurts like h#**.....You won't be able to make sense of it. Take each day as it comes...really it seems its minute by minute. My H too thought that I was wrong for exposing the A and blamed me for hurting all of the people involved by the exposure. That too was just his way of laying the blame elsewhere instead of being accountable for his actions.

I can't tell you how to move forward as I am not sure myself. I do know that you will take baby steps and bit by bit certain things become more tolerable. You aren't wrong. Do your best to stay away from the OW.

Think about what you want from this point on. Do you want him back or do you want to move forward w/o him? I know it's hard to even think about, but that will at least give you a direction to work towards.

Hang in there.....

Yes, it's definitely possible to have an EA. Cheating does not require physical touching of any kind. There's a link on this site about 'What is Cheating?' that will validate how you are feeling. The good news may be that you are nipping a full-blown Physical Affair in the bud.

Your WH's responses are very typical. A cheating spouse will say there's nothing wrong with what they're doing and the only reason they didn't tell you was because you would get the wrong idea and/or they didn't want to upset you. Unfortunately, you can't make your WH feel or do anything differently. What you can do is clearly, but calmly, explain your feelings and make requests. For instance: it upsets you that he is seeing her and you would like him to stop doing so. In fact, the both of you will need to stop seeing her ... probably forever. Otherwise the emotions will never end for either of you. Read Dr. Harley's "Surviving An Affair" and refrain from all Love Busters.

Yes, absolutely it is possible to have an emotional affair. Somewhere I think Harley said they are even more treacherous than physical affairs.

My H had one, is still involved, and we are D'd. I couldn't take it any more.

Even though the A hasn't gone physical, it has adulterated your marriage. Your H diverted his feelings and energy into that "friendship" and he has turned on you. My H went underground when I argued with him about the OW. They were in contact all the time.

I don't know your whole story, but when affairs are discovered, there is a Plan A, involving exposure. Why not read up on that? If you decide to expose, be forewarned: your H will get very angry and tell you "Now I hate you, now the marriage is over, how could you hurt the OW like that, you have a dirty mind......" insert stupid phrase here.

Exposure ends affairs. Read Charlotte22's thread. She's really a champ on exposure!

Finally, I didn't expose. Because I didn't, I can tell you first hand what happens when you hide out of shame. You lose all love and respect for your spouse, your marriage ends.

Thank you!