I want a divorce, but so worry about how my children's going to take it. My husband cheated for five years, four of which I knew about. I told him I want a divorce, but now he wants to try to make the marriage work. He said he still love me and was sorry for hurting me. He asked me if I still love him and I told him I'll always love the man I married, but not him. He beg me not file for divorce and I didn't but I think I'm just giving him false hope. For those of you who has gone through divorce, how are your children doing? How does it affect them in the short run and long run? I am so concern for my children. Please advice...

It seems like if your WH wants to make the marriage work, you should give it a chance. Have your WH call the Harleys and get a plan started. I know what you mean about giving false hope, because you're not sure if you can ever work it out. But you don't have to promise a successful recovery, just promise that you'll try. From all I know, Divorce is quite difficult on children, so you're good to consider them in this situation. On the radio show, Dr. Harley always asks the callers if they have kids and, if so, what their ages are. So this is a very important consideration.

Moonlight flower. Divorce is MUCH harder than marriage. You send your children out into the world as quitters when you divorce. Rise up to the challenge. Your marriage can be saved and both you and your husband can be HAPPY again. But you will need God's help--take it from someone whose marriage was a complete wasteland, but whose marriage has been restored to beauty <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


This sounds like the conversation I have with God every morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I tell him I'm sorry for hurting him. I beg him to still love me. And he does. He just keeps on loving me no matter how many times I hurt him. That is the true definition of unconditional love. Do you love your husband as God loves him? As God loves you? Are you both Christian?


GREAT news! Why? Because he IS the same man you married, it's just that his personality (read: sinful nature) overtook his TEMPERAMENT (his Godly nature, his nature when you met him). How can your husband be returned to that man you married? Same way you can be returned to that woman HE married: by reconciling with GOD as Jesus reconciled humanity to God when died on the cross for our sins.


No, HE didn't beg you, GOD did. All things that are righteous and good ARE the work of God. Everything. Every word, every deed. Marriage is good. Marriage is Godly. God wants your marriage together. If he didn't, your husband would be cast into the sea like a bag of rocks and never to be seen again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


GOD is concerned for your children. Your CONSCIENCE right now, that voice in your head, that feeling in your gut that is worried about your children is GOD'S voice. He compelled you to post here and for me to read it so I could share my testimonial with you.

You are being TESTED so you one day have a TESTimonial for your own children and their children.

Rise to God. Answer his call. Forgive your husband and embrace a Christian life with him. I guarantee you both will not fail. Because God never fails. His love for us is endless.

Moonlight_Flower,

Their are many here on these forums that have recovered their marriages. That is not to say that you should attempt to do so. The road is long, hard and quite bumpy along the way. There is no magic cure that fixes everything and there is no elixir that removes the pain and humiliation overnight. But there are methods here for improving even good marriages and that can turn a horrible one into a wonderful one.

If you decide to divorce, you will get assistance and help in pursuing that, b ut this is Marriage Builders and though we have all seen our share of divorces around here the first thought of many will be to attempt to save marriages as often as possible. It is possible to have the marriage you have always dreamed of though the one you thought you had turned out to be not as you had wished.

Before making the decision to divorce, would it be to your benefit and your children's as well, and yes, your husband to, to give a shot at recovery so that if and when you do end the marriage you can be certain that nothing was left undone that could be done and you will never have any regrets that perhaps there was another alternative?

If you are willing to pursue that option, I would suggest that you read the Basic Concepts and the Q&A columns related to infidelity. There are also books written by Dr Willard Harley Jr available through the bookstore and other sources as well that may be of help to you in processing all of this. For one, Surviving An Affair can give you a leg up on personal recovery even if your marriage does end in divorce. If you wish to give reconciliation a try, Fall In Love - Stay In Love, can help you to build a new marriage based on getting what you need as well as helping you to affair proff your marriage for the future. It can help even if you do leave your current husband in that it can benefit any future marriage you might have.

Dr Harley even has articles here about what effect divorce can have on your children. There are also many posters in the infidelity forums that have been right where you are now, some that have divorced can answer your question about how their children have made out in the long run and if you wish to attempt recovery rather than divorce many others can assist you in that regard as well.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Below are some links to things that may help you and you should know if you are to get the most from this site.

Links:

Basic Concepts

The Lessons Children Learn

How To Survive Infidelity

Creating Your Own Plan To Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love

Mark

Mark I would like to respond to some of your points..


Why would you even suggest "that is not to say you should do so.."? I thought this was Marriage BUILDERS? You make reconciliation sound like a surgeon general's warning: "may cause pain and humiliation.. road will bumpy.. etc".

Romans 5
"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our [color:"red"]sufferings,[/color] because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

Pain and humiliation are both hallmarks of spiritual GROWTH because they produce perseverance and character and hope.

There IS an "elixer" that removes suffering. He is the great redeemer of the unredeemable. That elixer is God. The first, the last, the A through the Z, the alpha and the omega.


Glad to hear someone else say that. I was beginning to wonder. All praise to God for HOPE.


Agreed. Love NEVER fails. NEVER.

1 Corinthians 13:7
"... love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."


Or just read the bible. Every answer to every question about love, failed love, reconciliation, hope, joy, peace, marriage, EVERYTHING is there. Dr. Harley is a obviously a gifted teacher, but I implore you to seek the TRUTH, from the source of TRUTH.


There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. There is no such thing as "getting what you need" in a Christian marriage. There is only God. And each spouse MUST love God more than they love each other.

Onward, can I make an observation, with all due respect? I understand that you are in a better place now, with your closer connection to God. But you might want to consider that those of us who have not been reborn are not as open to listening to everything explained through scripture.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do or say, but rather to point out that many people simply do not run their lives through a religious filter to make their decisions. To that end, if you want to get your point across, you might not want to assume that we come here looking for religious guidance. If you can make your point in a less 'guided' way, more people may take your opinions and advice to heart. Which is the point, right?

I hate saying not-wonderful things to people, but I noticed tonight that I basically just gloss over your posts, as soon as I start seeing your references to the Bible. And I began to wonder who else is glossing over your posts for the same reason. And I'm sure you don't want that happening. So I thought I would point something out that may not have occurred to you. Again, sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I want to learn from everyone, and it's not happening.

OWF,

If you want to debate what I said, send me email or start another thread and try to refrain from doing it in the middle of a newbie's thread. I can defend my position easily and you have no idea what my intent was.

My goal was to engage in conversation rather than to lecture. It seems to me that you have not read anything I have ever written on this board or you would know what my position is.

I would also suggest that you have not read anything by Dr Harley or at least not very much or you would know where he stands on the bible.


Just so you know, I am purposely being vague here because I want you to read and research some things. I hesitated to give any advice here for over six months after arriving because I understood that I did not have all the answers and my greatest fear was that I would advise someone else and they would follow my advice and be hurt further. I'm not saying wait 6 months before posting any advice, I'm just saying that you need to do yourself a favor and know who you are challenging and on what subject you are making that challenge before you jump in and "correct" someone else's thinking.

You might want to start by browsing the threads I have linked in my signature line.

Might I ask how long you have been a believer?

You might want to check on that reference in Corinthians, BTW. There is no II COR 14 and I COR 14:4 refers to tongues and prophecy.

Mark

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your suggestion. At this point, I just don't really think my marriage would work even when he said he wants to try to make it work. The fact of the matters is that he has cheated for many, many years and each time he lies about it. Blame it on his girlfriend instead of taking responsibilities for his actions. My feelings was never important to him for the last five years and so it should not be important to him now. I think it was just a desperation attempt to keep me in the marriage so he will have a roof over his head as I am the only one who works and all he does is gamble. He call that a job...

But of course!


I have considered that. I know there was a time when I wasn't opened to it, either. Bad decision on my part. But what's done is done. All I can do now is keeping spreading the good news lest one person hears it.


And therein lies the reason for the high divorce rate. If people who married in Christian churches understood exactly what they were pledging, I suspect our divorce rate would be a third of what it is.


I thought you said you weren't going to tell me what to do or say? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


That is fine. Gloss over all you want. My feelings are not hurt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Don't be so sure. I don't write to command attention or edify anyone who isn't open to listening. My words will find a home in the hearts of those whose hearts are open. And for those who continue to try to solve their problems without God, they can continue in vain as I did at one time. And one day, when they are out of hope, and have nowhere else to turn, they MIGHT just remember some bit of scripture they "read somewhere once" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And that is good enough for me.


That's what is so great about our country: we can just turn the channel if we don't like the commentary. In your case, all it takes is a click of the mouse to "gloss over" posts you find offensive, boring, or not applicable. I implore you to keep on glossing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your post

En Cristo,

OWF

To answer this question in my situation, my children are doing well. However, they were hurt very, very bad by the divorce. Children crave security and when Mom and Dad split, they feel they have lost that security.

There are people that state you should not stay together because of the children - I hate that statement. What couples need to do is "work together" to stay to together for the sake of the children. As parents, we have an obligation to give our children a loving, safe and happy life.

I also believe that if 2 people loved each other at some point, they can again. But again, it takes commitment and honesty.

My short answer is (and I don't know the entire story), get to work on your marraige. Contact the Harley's and commit to getting things straightened out between you and your husband. Divorce is absolutely awful to experience.

Keith

Well, I guess I will. FWIW, I don't find your posts offensive, boring, or not applicable; I just find them condescending.

Fair enough. But I only posed questions to you. And I would argue that we're ALL newbies (in life), every day, regardless of how many posts we've fired off to an internet forum.


No, I was mystified as to why you would caution someone about reconciliation; that has no rhyme or reason whatsoever to me in a 'marriage builders' forum. And you needn't be offended by my feedback. Perhaps you could even learn something from it--that is unless you are beyond learning.. ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I have read a LOT of his articles. I have read the plans as well. I respect his work. And I will leave it at that.


I respect your chosen approach, but I have no fear about advising someone to trust in God, and seek reconciliation with Him and subsequently one's spouse. There is one line f scripture that stands above all others and I believe it with all of my heart, soul and strength: "I am the way and the truth and the life." The WAY. The TRUTH. The LIFE. Need I say more? If you TRULY believe that, why not spread the good news without fear? Might I ask, have you read the Sower parable?


How did I correct you? I may have challenged you (which is GOOD, isn't it??), but I never corrected you. Then again, who is to say it is YOU who needs the correction and not I? Hmmm. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Sure. I was baptized at birth. I attended catechism, first communion, confirmation, etc. I have been a practicing Catholic most of my life.. but by NO means did I ever UNDERSTAND what it meant to be a Christian until I was lost "in the wilderness" and someone in my life told me the things I have been stating here. I would never pretend to be ENLIGHTENED. I have stumbled through life up until this year. I only wish my mind and heart had been opened to hear what I should have been nearing earlier. No one on these boards ever responded with scripture to me. I wish they had.


Where did I put that??


My bad. Corrected. Ty for pointing out

OWF

I could not agree more. YES, STAY TOGETHER FOR YOUR KIDS! You made a commitment to them. You made a commitment to your husband. If you got married in a Christian church, you made a covenant with God. Did you not? There is GREAT HOPE for your marriage, but you have to fix yourself first.

I recommend this book: THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. Have you and your husband ever read it?

Here is another SUPERB book for wives: Every Woman's Marriage. Have you read it?

Blessings,

OWF

Moonlight, you have several choices.

You could read the material here and visit with us to help you fine-tune your decisions and actions; tell us about things you try to fix the marriage. We'll help you progress. If he says he wants to make it work, at least give it a shot.

You could find a counselor in your area to help you with your personal issues and boundaries; accepting your husband's affairs is ignoring what should be your own boundaries of what's acceptable in a marriage, and should be addressed. If you think you can't afford it, you probably haven't looked into the tons of free/reduced fee operations that will help you - government, church, etc.

You could decide what kind of marriage you can salvage if your husband is unwilling to do anything on his part; people do stay together 'for the children' (I'm one of them) and it may not be great, but it is sometimes the best thing for the kids. HOWEVER, you have to honestly ask yourself if it truly IS better for them. For instance, I'm teaching my daughter that it's ok to marry a man who verbally abuses you, by staying with my husband - a horrible thing to do to her, which is why I'm here trying to learn how to set boundaries. Are your kids truly better off, or is it just a financial issue?

You need to do some serious thinking about what is good and what is bad about your marriage. Fix it if you can, accept it if you can't and your kids aren't being subjected to abusive or dysfunctional tendencies. If there is worse going on that you haven't talked about, you may have to consider leaving for their sake, but you haven't mentioned anything other than the affair, so I don't know how to answer that.

Above all, be honest about it. Marriages CAN be saved, if you are willing to work at it.

Moonlight,

My wife had multiple affairs for over ten years early in our marriage. I did not find out till many years later. We made changes that I thought were real and that I considered to make things better, which is why I was so devastated by her later EA. I can also tell you that recovery is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I can also tell you that there will not be a next recovery, but the number, frequency and duration of an affair are really only minor considerations once recovery begins. The things that can be learned from this site and Dr H's books can make the likelihood of a repeat drop dramatically. The hardest part is restoring the trust you have lost and that takes time, as in years not months.

It won't ever be like you thought it was, but the way you thought it was wasn't real anyway. But it can be better than it really was if you both work at it.

Mark

I just don't know if I can make it to the rest of my life with my H knowing that he cheated. I am only 33 years old. I still have my whole life ahead of me. I have a sucessful career, which money is not an issue. I can support myself and my two sons. I just don't if I should waste my life with someone who I can not count on to be there for me now while I'm still young. What would he do when I'm older? I can't trust him or count on him to be there for me, not now or in the future. Am I the only one who feels this way?

I just think she's in the perfect position to lay some boundaries and POJA.

He's telling her he'll 'do anything' to stop the divorce and stay together...now he can walk the walk and prove it.

One thing they have in common is they love those kids. I hope it's enough inspiration to work this out.

Boy do I know EXACTLY how you feel. Like Mark1952, my wife cheated on me over a 10 year period, and I did not find out until year 14 of our marriage. It was devastating. I nearly went MAD with the repulsive thoughts in my head. I went through EVERY single emotion. I even called crisis hotlines. I "walked the line" for sure. BUT, my faith in God and his redemptive plan for all mankind carried me through. But , unlike Mark1952, I did NOT, at any point, put my TRUST in my wife again, nor have I put my trust into her as of this day. I have learned to trust GOD with my life. There is NO WAY I could have ever embraced her and loved her again the way I do today if I put my trust into her. I KNOW "love never fails." I KNOW God will walk me through the valley of darkness. I KNOW there is NOTHING my God can not do if I put ALL of my trust into him.


If your job and your financial security were taken away from you tomorrow, who would you be? God doesn't care about your career, your financial security or anything else EARTHLY for that matter. Are you not working your way to heaven? If Jesus returned TOMORROW, what would you testify? What personal acts of reconciliation, forgiveness, charity, love, joy, peace, faithfulness would you recite? Surely you would not speak about your career. God is knocking on your door. He is asking you to forgive as he has forgiven mankind. He is asking you to reconcile as Jesus reconciled mankind with God. Are you up to it? Perhaps you are not. If you are not, he will forgive you. But will you forgive yourself when your life doesn't turn out to be the way you think it should be?


You are focused only on this life. You speak as though your life is short. If you are Christian, your life is eternal. The greatest rewards of all lie ahead, beyond the grave. Don't focus on this life. Focus on your eternal life. My .02


You are focused on HIM, not God. Maybe you should ask the question "What Will GOD do when I'm older"? Who knows what God has in store for you for doing the RIGHT thing and reconciling and submitting to Him. Time will only tell. But don't put your faith in what your HUSBAND will do, put your faith in what GOD *CAN* and *WILL** do for you.


We can not trust ANYONE to be there for us. NO ONE. Zip. Nada. Zero. We can ONLY trust in God. IN GOD WE TRUST. Trust God, no one else. God is love. God is forgiveness. God is reconciliation. Have you ever read the beatitudes in the bible? Jesus promised us:

1 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
2 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth
3 Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted.
4 Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
5 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall be shown mercy
6 Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God.
7 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
8 Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Did you read #5?

God is calling you to be righteous and do what most people don't have the courage to do.... LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY as God does. Your reward will be realized. God can change your husband through YOUR prayer. But it all starts with you.

God bless

You can choose to focus on the next life. But as a mother, your first thoughts should be of raising happy, healthy adults out of your children. Of course they will benefit from being raised in faith. But they also will require many other focuses in the next 10-20 years - practical, day-to-day decisions that will mold them for the next 50, 60 years.

Everything you choose to do today has an impact on them as adults. What lesson will they learn from watching you walk away from a marriage? What lesson will they learn from watching you stay in a marriage in which the father doesn't respect the mother? What will they learn if you take steps to understand your husband, maybe even forgive him, but also hold to your boundaries so that he is compelled by your strength to give up all his selfishness and honestly work on the marriage?

Of course, we don't know you or your husband, so we don't know the whole picture; only the two of you do. If there are other reasons in the marriage why it won't work, only you know. But I assume there was something about him that attracted you in the first place - can you get back there?

Don't forget, his affairs may not just be indication that he's a selfish jerk. They may indicate that you did not bring something to the marriage - can you be honest with yourself enough to determine if any of the blame is yours? If you can both break down your barriers into honesty, you may find you both want what you had before, and move forward together.

The cheating started when he was working 3 hours away and was gone 5 days a week. In the beginning, he came home every weekend, than about 4 months into his job, he started saying he has to work on weekend. Our marriage isn't perfect, but we were doing great. I'm not saying that I'm perfect as I'm sure no one is, but no matter what my h did will not constitute me to cheat on him so why did he cheated on me just because he works 3 hours away. After all it was his choice. My h doesn't do anything in the house. He go as far as cook dinner once in a while, but that's pretty much it. I do the laundry, clean the house and anything else besides working a full time job. On top of that, he gambles every day and I recently lost my house due to his gambe. Maybe I'm just too close to the problem to see it clearing so can any one else tell me whether my decision to leave my h is the wrong one as I do want to make the right decision for my children.