Hi all,

I posted this in after divorce/dating but I'm not sure if it would be better here...

I am new to this forum and am sure I will gain a lot of insight here. I have a lot to spill out, so please bear with me...

I was married for about 8 years, together with ex-h for 13. I divorced him when I found out he had a year-long affair with a co-worker. Although we had some issues in our marriage, I was relatively blind-sided by the affair.

Only a few months after my separation, I met my current SO. We have been together about a year and a half. Although he has an extensive dating history, I am his first truly long-term relationship, the others all under six months or so. There have certainly been some growing pains for both of us- for me, adjusting from a marriage that ended with infidelity and beginning a new relationship so soon, and he, transitioning out of bachelorhood.

The first seven or eight months were fantastic, of course... typical honeymoon period. Then, our differences became more glaringly obvious. He had more of a partying lifestyle in his past, and he lied by omission to me about some illicit drug use. Once discovered by me, it all stopped, and I have no doubt of that.

I thought all of that was behind us, that we had addressed the fact that I expect full disclosure in a serious relationship, that no matter what the truth is, it is better to let me know than to hide things. My ex-h's infidelity wasn't the reason I divorced- it was the year of lies and cover-up; I knew I could never trust him again. I do not want to be in another relationship in which I am constantly wondering if things are being hidden from me.

Months go by and no new issues, things are looking up. Then, SO drops a bomb on me. He admits that the year before we met, he was involved with a married woman. Although he thought she would leave her husband, he does recognize now what a mistake it was to begin something with her before she separated (and of course ultimately she did not leave her husband and left him feeling pretty used). From talking with him about the whole experience, I do think he has learned from it and now understands what appropriate boundaries need to be in place.

Yet I am having problems with the fact that it took him this long to admit this to me. I understand in the beginning it would've been tough, but he knew from the get-go why I divorced. Especially since I thought we had discussed keeping relevant things from each other...

I know I've painted him to have many issues, but the fact of the matter is he brings more to the table emotionally than any other man I have been with. I know he truly loves me and wants nothing but the best for me. I've never had doubts about his feelings for me, and I think it is his feelings for me that have kept him from being completely honest with me in the past- he's afraid of losing me.

I think what's at play here is that this is his first serious relationship, and he's never had to be as open and hoenst before with anyone. Yet for me, having been married, it's been a bit difficult to be the one going through his transition from bachelorhood with him. He has been amazing about dealing with MY issues (insecurities after being a "woman scorned"), however... and he was there for me during a pretty dark period. I do love him and want this to work.

But I am struggling. I am struggling with the now multiple omissions, and the fact that he was once involved with a married woman has been triggering me a lot. I'm not sure I can as easily confide to him about what I'm going through after my divorce.

I know this is rambling, but any insight would be helpful.... SO is looking at a future together and I know would like to be married.

You already know that he kept it from you out of fear of your judgment and possible withdrawal. Do you want to justify his fears? If he's the one, you need to show that you admit and accept his foibles, just like he should accept yours. Communication, forgiveness (for omitting the truth - not lying), and honesty are what you need.

He obviously has a long pattern of inability to commit, and possibly some underlying other reasons his previous Rs didn't last. But he wants you, so he ought to be willing for the two of you to work together on your R. Bring him in here; tell the truth; share your feelings; devote time to improving your R. It'll be fine.

Hi Hill,

I really can't say I can "evaluate" the "bigger picture". It's just that my first thought is that I felt great that he "came clean" and was honest about this relationship. To me, honesty and emotional intimacy are the "same thing" in certain ways.

It's not a "good thing" that he told you... meaning it wasn't a positive thing he had done in the past... but, then again, isn't a good thing that he told you?

Honesty is the basis of trust.

We all have a history... and numerous skeletons in our closets (if we are honest, imo). It's really the ones who are not honest at all that are the ones to "watch out for"... at a certain level.

Honesty... Openness... Transparency.

I think of my son. He will sit down and tell me things he has done... he knows I do not agree with. But he "tests me" to see if I will listen anyway...

You know what? Because he tells me, and I don't agree with those things... he is changed by telling me. It's like he's letting me in to say, "that's not right"... though my love for him does not change. It's nothing to "tell the truth" to someone who you know has standards that tolerate wrongdoing. It's quite another to "tell the truth" to someone whose standards are higher than one's history.

When a person "tells the truth" to someone who they know will believe what they did was wrong... that's someone changing... imo. Raising their standards... and showing a great deal of vulnerability... trust... and real regard for you. That's marriage material... when it's sincere... and truly results in change.

(Never mind, if you read, what I think about divorce and re-marriage... it's what I believe applies to my situation... not all... and I don't play God in other people's lives. I don't lightly "step out on a limb" to give someone else life advice based on what I believe applies to me... because there might be a variable that applies to me that doesn't really apply to you.)

So, anyway, I really don't know about this guy all in all.

I do know I like honesty. When there is a sincere ability in a person to change and improve... that's what matters... not how many skeletons are in their closet.

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People currently engaging in immorality do not have the capacity to be honest... as Dr. Harley teaches accurately... I believe.

Had you talked to this guy while he was in the midst of screwing around with a married woman - he would have had an excuse for it and a lie to cover it up.

Think about timing - and how situational ethics are. We are corrupted by the activities we engage in - and justify and rationalize all our deeds (in our own minds/selves). That's human nature.

Don't think for a moment your ex cannot become as good as this SO... should he "see the light"... also.

These guys are the same man.

They all are.

We all are.

At core.

I don't know why I say that... it more depends on which direction a person is headed... than where they have been... that determines trustworthiness and true character... I think.

Best wishes in your life journey.

catperson and back, thank you for your replies. I appreciate the input very much.

Yes, this is how I'm trying to look at it- it's a very positive sign he chose to tell me, when he knew how upset I would be about it. I do think it shows that he recognizes where he went wrong in the past, and wants to come clean and have an honest realtionship with me.

I know we all have pasts and things we aren't particularly proud of. Honestly it's not so much what he did, as long as he learned from it and recognizes his role in allowing the affair to begin and continue. It's more that he chose to keep this from me for a year and a half, when we have discussed infidelity ad nauseum, and I have opened myself up to him and told him my innermost thoughts as someone who has been betrayed. It hurts to think that he hid it from me, although from his viewpoint, I suppose I can understand why. At least he's told me now.

Thanks again. I am trying my best to move on and not get stuck on this...