You would think that all that has happened to me this past year would make him think straighter, but no. DS proposed to his girlfriend and they want to get married in April. They have already booked the hall and she's bought a dress. Aside from the fact that they are 19 years old, attending 2 different colleges in different cities and neither expect to graduate before spring 2009, they think they have things figured out. But that's not why I'm posting this.

DS has already told me he is allowing STBXH to bring OW. Since I have been seeing someone lately, he doesn't see it as any different than if I brought my BF. I explained that it is completely different - OW is the homewrecking ***** who destroyed my marriage and family. In addition to the pain it would cause to me by her presence(seeing BF doesn't erase the damage she did), my entire family will be at this event. Nobody from my side of the family will see her as anything but a ***** (you fill in the blank). She is nothing to any of them. It is one thing to expect people to be cordial to STBXH for the sake of DS and his bride. It is quite another when he parades OW in front of all of them (and me). I explained that there would be no way to ensure that someone didn't cause a scene and disrupt the wedding. I even suggested he mention this to his dad since probably OW wouldn't want to be in that position either (though she is as dumb as soup).

Honestly, I don't know if I can even go if she's there (I haven't told DS this yet). Sure I've moved on with my life and no longer feel the intense pain that I did. I am more confident living alone now I really like BF a lot. I'm rediscovering the joys of seeing someone on my time and then being able to go home again. There's no guarantee he'll even be around come April but even if we are going strong then, it won't erase my hatred for OW. And there is no reason at all to expect my family to accept her. Why should they?

But I don't want to hurt DS either. I'm hoping my explanation will be enough. I will try to speak to STBX as well. Are there any other arguments I can use - that he might understand? He is still very much in the fog and neither one of them can comprehend why nobody is "happy" for them. To this day they are still blaming me and OWH for anything and everything that goes wrong with them. He will blame me for my family's hostility towards her but is it possible he can be convinced that it is a certainty to happen and that her presence will basically ruin DS's wedding?

I think nearly all of us here would say they are too young to get married. What's the rush? But then it's hard to tell young people that. It's like the fog with WS's.

I would have hoped DS would have asked you first if you felt comfortable about STBXH bringing his OW. Weddings, or any other get togethers, have a habit of starting out OK but then when the alcohol is flowing emotions change, usually not for the best. It would be better for both you & STBXH to leave your partners at home. After all, it is a family day.

You can only speak tactfully to DS and see what he thinks. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Also advise DS to take his time and perhaps plan for a later date.

This is just my opinion, but just the fact that he going to invite his father and his ow to his wedding speakes to the fact that he, your son doesn't even no what the meaning of MARRIAGE is.

I would suggest that you stear him and his wife to be to premarital counseling.

GBF & Swans Song, you both echo my feelings. In fact, I'm quite worried that this whole thing could be a response to the breakup of my own marriage. At this time, he does not listen to reason and in fact, I'm contemplating writing a post to the Christian community on this BB as he's using a lot of biblical arguments to support his choices right now. I don't think he's using them correctly.

When a college friend of mine got married a few years after her dad married the OW that destroyed her parents' M, he tried to guilt her into letting the OW come to her wedding.

He said "If you really loved me you would let OW come to the wedding".

Her response:" If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to have the person who made you break every vow to my mom that I am going to make to my soon-to-be H come to my wedding. If you can't accept that, then my brother will walk me down the aisle."

He left the OW at home.

PS-my friend and her H are still married.

Tabby this was in a Dear Abby letter this past week .....
a similar sitch such as yours.......

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Courtney," was recently married, and the week leading up to the wedding was a disaster. My husband, "Jeff," and I paid for the majority of her lavish wedding with assistance from her new in-laws. My ex-husband, "Earl" (Courtney's father), didn't pay for any portion of it. Over the past 15 years he has offered little support, financially or emotionally. In fact, Earl has stolen from both of my daughters (it was identity theft) and ran up thousands of dollars in bills, not to mention the unpaid medical expenses and child support.
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Courtney and her fiance's family were scheduled to stay at our house for a few days prior to the wedding. One week before they were scheduled to come, Courtney informed me that she wanted to "establish a new relationship" with her father and his side of the family.

Being already emotional about the wedding, I flipped out. I didn't understand how she could do this to me and her stepdad after all our years of picking up the pieces.

Courtney told me to "stuff it" and did as she pleased. Her new in-laws sided with her. They were aware of the problems with Earl, the stolen money, etc. Jeff and I attended the wedding, but were treated poorly. Needless to say, Earl was treated like a king.

Jeff thinks I need to write Courtney off, as she has shown her true colors. Right now, I am very upset. Have you any suggestions? -- DEVASTATED IN PHOENIX

DEAR DEVASTATED: Yes, I do. If you want to spare yourself years of pain and aggravation, you will listen to your husband. It appears that Courtney is her father's daughter.

The sacrifices you made to raise her have resulted in her becoming a selfish, self-centered, rude adult. In order for her to fulfill her fantasy of being "Daddy's girl," she was willing to sacrifice her relationship with you. For your own sake, do not forget it. Unless you can take a giant emotional step backward, Courtney will continue to treat you like a doormat -- and don't be surprised if she uses any children she has as leverage. Be forewarned

Tabby1 - I was in a similiar situation - when WH's daughter was getting M. She was best friend w/MOW (I was the enemy).
MOW was invited as she was our employee and daughter's friend. MOW did come with her husband (they are now divorcing) ANYWAY...since I was aware of his many A's (all going on at the same time) I was a WRECK, emotionally and physically. I looked horrible...BULL I was gonna good for that flippin wedding no matter what...

I had botox and restylane to improve my looks. Bought the most beautiful dress I could find. I was the picture of grace, elegance and down right classy looking. I held my head high for that day. His tramp was there, and the outfit she wore showed off her ****** tag/tramp stamp. Believe me, it wasn't easy and noone from my family - though invited - came to the wedding. I had noone to lean on, I did it.
You can too...
Now, when my newphew was M, I did not ask my WH to come. Since we were still hating each other, I went alone, Yes it was hard, but I did it. I had tears of happiness for my newphew and tears of sadness for the lose of my own M.
But, There was no way, I was going to take a KNOWN ADULTEROUS to a blessed event. In my eyes it was WRONG..very wrong.
I think you should explain your feelings to your DS and hope that he sees your side. Yes, you have a BF now, but he was not a part of the maritial breakdown. Tell him, it's too soon since your separation to expect you to accept this OW at a special/blessed family event. If she is still inivited, I suggest you be the better woman and hold your head high, watch how much you drink, and only think of your DS.
THat OW shouldn't even want to go..but, she always has a "way" of showing her true colors, doesn't she???

HUGS

I agree with ithurts. Its your DS's wedding not yours. It may hurt you like ****** to see your STBXH with the OW, but hold your head up high and show your son and his bride how you can handle the occassion with grace and style. If you decide to bring up the fact that you will be uncomfortable with the OW being there do it once and whatever the outcome is, let it be. Share in the joy of your DS for the day. If you make a big deal of the OW going to the wedding also alot more people than just you will be uncomfortable there.