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Joined: Apr 2006
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Hi friends - long time no post....but I read every day....

I'm 2 1/2 years into a relationship and I'm becoming more aware these days that the "hum drums" are arriving. The "where is this relationship going" is coming on strong. I will admit that the confusion is on my part - as I don't have the answer to that question. I have yet to say truly that I want to be married again, I cannot say that it's my BF that is the "one" (I thought my ex was "the one") so I'm stuck.......I think he is too......we are plodding along.....but I'm feeling like some sort of decision should be made soon - before 5 years go by, I'm 50 years old, and have to start all over again. Sigh......

I can tell that things are starting to settle down big time. We don't see as much of each other as we used to - we don't talk on the phone as much, the frequency of SF has taken a little slide - and when we do see each other, we are settling into the watch a movie on the couch and fall alseep pattern.

My girlfriend and I (she's a bit older and having the same questions I am) are trying to figure this all out. We have "been there, done that" and have no need for any cr*p that sometimes (OK, most times) accompanies long term relationships - but we don't want to die alone either, BUT we also can't imagine marrying again...we obviously want our cake and to eat it too.

This is probably all over the place - I'm at work and my thoughts get interrupted with client calls, but I'm wondering how long you all would stay in a relationship without some sort of "decision" being made, i.e., marriage, no marriage, status quo, etc.???

Thanks for any help.


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OK - I'm home now - and I can post uninterrupted. While reading over my post above, I realize just how goofy it sounds....

Let me try to explain a little bit - I'm way confused as to what to do now. While I don't want to lose him - although I can say with 100% honesty that I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with him - I'm afraid that unless something "happens", i.e., all that 'next step" stuff - that I will be alone again - starting over - and possibily repeating the same pattern over and over again.

I'm just so settled in my life - not able to see myself making any major changes (is that selfish??) but I don't want him to leave either - thus the cake and eat it too theory.....shouldn't I be ready after 2 1/2 years to make SOME kind of decision??? Something??

In the meantime, I am noticing signs of things being not so "perfect" any longer....don't know if it's because we've just become stagnant - or if we have truly run the course of this relationship.....I would be heartbroken to break up - I'm very close to his kids after all this time - and he just "fits" in with my life.........Fits.....does that make sense?I enjoy our time together - we see each other on weekends, talk a couple of times during the work week, and try for a mid-week dinner every so often. Am I ready to go to the next level? Well, the next level would be some sort of permanance, i.e., live together, marriage.....because we've pretty much gone through all the other stages....

So, that's what I'm trying to figure out here (cause I notice that I'm rambling again).......is it time to decide?? I think I was so miserably married that the thought doesn't even sound good to me.......how long would you be in a relationship before it was "time" to take it up a notch???

I still don't know if this is making any sense......

Laura


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i think it depends on the person, the situation, and what YOU are looking for out of a relationship.

i was ready to "take it up a notch" with in a year. but, i am ready for that kind of relationship. i don't want to just casually date forever. i do have an eventual agenda.

i don't think anyone can tell you on this what you should or should not be feeling. i don't believe in time frames.

and i know i was of no help here.. sorry! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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"I'm just so settled in my life - not able to see myself making any major changes (is that selfish??) but I don't want him to leave either - thus the cake and eat it too theory.....shouldn't I be ready after 2 1/2 years to make SOME kind of decision??? Something??""

Hi - Something is your post brought me to a place where I thought I should log on again & respond, it has been a while.
I have asked myself this question frequently the past 6 months. I have also totally enjoyed being in a relationship, but as time went by it seemed like something should be developing & yet I so liked my independence.

Basicaly it boiled down to respect for myself. - Maybe that is also the reason why I'm divorced. I couldn't stay in limbo land. Some times you just have to force your heart & nerves to enforce your boundries. And yes it is really hard to risk a relationship you really love & end up losing. I figured it will hurt, but not nearly as bad as five years ago. If BF had wanted to take it up a notch last year I probably would have bolted out myself. I asked myself, if the realtionship was just transitional or did I really want more. I think I was scared that it might develop into something more. I don't know if that makes any sense to you or not.

In the meantime I decided to channel my extra time into reading 3 books that I wouldn't ever read. I figured it would take me 2 - 3 months, but I think I will have last one finished by the middle of Dec.

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[quote I have also totally enjoyed being in a relationship, but as time went by it seemed like something should be developing & yet I so liked my independence.

And yes it is really hard to risk a relationship you really love & end up losing. I figured it will hurt, but not nearly as bad as five years ago. If BF had wanted to take it up a notch last year I probably would have bolted out myself. I asked myself, if the realtionship was just transitional or did I really want more. I think I was scared that it might develop into something more. I don't know if that makes any sense to you or not.

[/quote]

Vega -

Makes PERFECT sense to me - I am in that sticky spot now - I'm restless that I should be doing something, making some sort of decision - and yes, I'm terrified that the relationship will end. Am I terrified because I'd be losing him? Or, am I terrified because my co-dependent tendencies will come out again (don't want to be alone, feeling as though my happiness is tied to a relationship, blah, blah) I dunno.....

I think things have just gotten too comfortable - I'm not ready to make any major changes, but I think that the two of us are getting anxious that something?? should be happening??? Limboland worked so well for me for such a long time that I'm afraid......

Thanks for your input....


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It sounds like you don't want the relationship to end because you don't want to have to go through the effort of starting up with someone else again. I don't know that I'd call that selfish but I do think your BF should be in on some of this.

Can you have an open discussion with him without either of you feeling that now that the subject has been broached something must be done?

Maybe you're looking for some excitement? Would it help if you two did something fun together on a regular basis?

Here's something to consider; Don't should yourself to death.


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Quote
Here's something to consider; Don't should yourself to death.

That's awesome advice.....I remember hearing that once before while attending NarAnon meetings in trying to deal with being married to an active addict.....thanks for reminding me........

Laura


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A wise old woman once told me that I would know within a year if the person I was dating was marriage material or not.

I did not believe her and I made the mistake of marrying someone after 3 years of dating. I was in the same place you were now. The proverbial "either poop or get off the pot" stage. I chose marriage and it was the wrong choice.

I now know that if I am not into the person enough to marry them within a year, and them me, then it is probably time to move on and look for someone I can be that excited about.

Every successful marriage I have ever seen, including that of my parents, the two just knew they belonged together within a relatively short time together. Call it what you want, but I believe you truly need to be into someone 110% before you should consider marriage, and such feelings do not develop over years. They develop much sooner.


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THB, I agree with what everyone has posted. Two years after my XH moved out, I started dating a guy friend. It lasted 3 years. I asked myself all the same questions you're asking yourself and had the same fears. After a while, I knew he wasn't "the one" and spent months wondering how and when to break up with him ~ and then he broke up with me!

I was hurt but relieved. It's been another 3 years since we broke up and we've remained friends. I've only dated 2 guys since (for longer than one date). The last one broke up with me to get back together with the XGF who'd broken up with him. The current one... looks like it's only a matter of time.

I don't know if I'm just getting cynical in my old age. I don't like being alone. I enjoy the companionship and having someone to go out with. But, at least so far, after the initial infatuation wears off, the incompatibilities start to dominate. Like you, I believed my XH was "the one" and realized that when you feel that way about someone you don't have to ask yourself all the questions you're asking yourself now. I haven't had that feeling (yet?) with anyone else.

R's take work and they require commitment, but after the failure of my M, I'm hesitant to commit without feeling really sure. On the other hand, I wonder, at my age and living in a small town, if I'll ever meet anyone for more than a short-term R when even that isn't easy.


FBS, D'day 12/00 * NC since 5/02 * divorce final 5/06 * property settlement 9/06 What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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