H had "something" (he says she raped him, she says it was consensual "hard rough sex") three years ago. One time. He is distraught, hates it, hates her, has done/tried everything I've asked of him. He believes that he didn't want/participate in the act. Calls her an animal. I found out (he told me after I was getting pretty close to figuring it out on my own) about 6 months ago. (Before that he says he simpley prentended that it didn't happen)We've done everything. Therapy, sexual abuse counseling, on and on. I just cannot seem to get out of my mind that somehow, on some level, he had to at least "allow" this to happen. So, I blame him. I still think about it every day. I hate it. We have tried to put things back together, he wants that more than anything. Keeps telling me that it happened "to" him, so he didn't cheat. I dunno. Can a man be raped (by a beautiful teenage girl)? The counselors say yes. I'm not sure.

So, my question is, when is it time to cut loose and just give up? I love him, I will always love him, but I'm not sure I will ever see this as anything other than a one night stand. I'm unhappy, he's unhappy, and I have no idea if I will ever be able to not think about it. Should I just end the marriage and put us all out of our misery?

I will tell you from professional experience that yes, a man can be sexually assaulted....
BUT...
it would be extremely rare that a woman was the aggressor.

How does he explain not being able to fend off a teenage girl? More details would be needed as to the events to make a judgment on this.

Hi,

So sorry you have to be here but you have found one of the best places to come to if you want to try to save your marriage.

As far as your husband telling you that he was not a willing participant in the one night stand (ONS) with a teenage girl.....well I think he's full of BS.

If you really want to put this issue to rest, ask him to take a lie detector test. If he refuses or tells you that you are crazy for even suggesting it, or whatever other excuse he gives.....well then, there's your answer. He's probably guilty and lying.

A polygraph test may set you back somewhere between $300 to $600 but is worth every penny. Lawyers are much more expensive.

Cheaters lie. They always do. Most of them want to take their secrets to the grave.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. He's lying and your guts knows it. Trust your instincts.

Please read all the articles you can on this site. Especially about Emotional Needs, Lovebusters, and Radical Honesty.

And, it usually takes at least two years to recover from an affair, IF, both partners on working on it. Since your husband is still lying to you, you're recovery hasn't even started yet.

Good luck.

Mopey...it can happen...it is just rare. Date rape drugs could be used to do this...but again, very rare.

Besides the rape/not rape thing.

MB can be used to build/rebuild an affair proof marriage of extraordinary care.

He does need to own it. Rape or not...how exactly did he put himself in that position?. She evidently didn't physically hold him down nor did she physically keep him from walking away. HE alone put himself in the way of that temptation. (I am presuming she was not a 250 lb woman and he's a 100 lb guy).

You need to do some reading too. We are ALL wired to have affairs. You, too. Anger does you no good. You must TOGETHER attempt to move your relationship/marriage in a new direction.

I'd like more details before I go further though I don't see them particularly making that big a difference.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - how old was this teenager??? Should the police be called?

We have a family friend that this happened to a few years ago. The girl raped him...ended up pregnant. She didn't know whose baby it was. She had been sleeping around a lot.

She tried to pin it on our friend. It was a nasty situation.

She's skank. She learned this behavior from her mother, who is also a skank. She's had 6 kids with 3 different men. They don't live in our town anymore. Thank goodness.

Unbreak,

What if your WH told you that he was seduced by a very attractive, forward, sexually provocative teenage girl, he lost his mind, and succumbed to her advances.

What if he then was totally remorseful, truly committed to you to rebuild the M, fulfill all your ENs, and work relentlessly to recover the M.

Would you still want to go?

kirk

O.k., I can buy that. But wouldn't her husband have said something about being drugged?

I lost my virginity at 15 due to a guy doing the same thing to me. He drugged me. I woke up during it while he was on top of me before I passed out again. He left before I woke up again the next morning. I knew I had been drugged.

Hmm. Ok, I guess I need to give a little more background. When he told me about it, he told me that he had made a "mistake." He said that he felt he allowed it to happen. If you look under my screen name I relayed the story in detail. Short version is, he works in a shop. She was secretary. Her husband worked there too. My H was working late, alone, and she knew that. She snuck into the shop and basically attacked my H. He did not know she was coming, did not ask her to come, didn't know she was there until she was on top of him. He doesn't remember the actual act, although knows it happened. Says when he thinks about it he sees himself bashing her head into a table. Remembers running away from her and into the bathroom where he washed himself with Comet and began throwing up.
After he told me those things I brought home literature on male rape, and he said that although he felt a lot of those things, he could not see how a 200lb guy could be raped by a 100lb girl. Kept telling me that he didn't understand how it happened, but that he never wanted it to, or wanted her. Made himself believe that it didn't happen. We tried to put things back together. Went on a vacation and he got a massage for the first time ever. Ended up having a terrible panic attack and running away. Said that the feelings of pain and dread and fear that he experienced with the massage were exactly the same as what he experienced that night. Met with the counselor upon our return and she said that he had a panic attack when the OW began touching him and that he basically dissassociated, either becuase it scared him so bad, or becuase it made him feel violent towards her and he'd been brought up not to touch women in anger. My H had a very hard time with this, as he said it made him feel like less of a man, and he wished he could just say he wanted to, he did, and that was that. He believes he was raped.

I struggle with feeling like he could have stopped it, and his decision to do nothing was a decision in and of itself. However, I've never dissassociated, so I have no idea what that's like. So hard, all of it. H wants to make everything better for us. He is broken and depressed. Says at this point he'll say anything I need him to say so that we can move on, but says that telling me that he wanted her or participated feels like a lie. He said from the beginning that he felt like a bump on a log. What to do?

your H was NOT raped. Rape is a legal term and his situation doesn't come even remotely close to the standard to establish rape.

So this beautiful teenage girl was married too?

Your H doesn't believe he was raped...he is using this as an excuse, IMO.

Polygraph.

Unbreak,

I agree that this is not rape. He certainly might have had significant regret AFTER the act was over and maybe even a bit while it was ongoing, but rape, I don't think so.

I would suggest that you read everything you can here on MB on how to begin recovering from an affair and get started.

First, a couple of things. Has the OW husband been informed about this? If not, he needs to be told. Second, is this woman still working with your husband, if she is that is also a show stopper. NC, no contact needs to be established.

I will emphasize as well, the need for your husband to be honest with you and with himself. I honestly think that he is using the rape claim to help him feel that he was not responsible for his actions.

You will have to prepare yourself to hear the truth once he is willing to provide it. This is often very difficult because the truth, although necessary, is hard to hear sometimes. Getting him to finally be honest and then having a melt down will discourage openess and honesty.

Welcome, and good luck.

Who

mkeverydaycnt,
How can you say it WASN'T rape? It's impossible for you to know, just like it's impossible for me to know. Neither of us was there. As I said, he was reluctant to even go there, and in the beginning was totally taking responsibility for his actions. He just kept saying that he couldn't understand it, understand why, and this was TOTALLY not his personality. I kept telling him to own it, own his feelings and his actions. He kept telling me that since it happened he must have wanted it to, but to say that to himself just seemed like a lie. He has offered several times to take a polygraph test. He says that what happened happened TO him. He hates himself for "running away," and not protecting himself. He says she stole his manhood from him that night.

Who,
No, she no longer works with him. In fact, she and her husband have split up and she moved away. I think he feels responisble for this no matter what really happened. Every time he looks at me and sees the sadness in my eyes he feels responsible. I just can't imagine ever looking at him the same way again.

I can say it wasn't rape based on the facts you relayed. I come from this with a background in law enforcement. It wasn't rape unless you are leaving out some vital pieces.

It might well have happened to him...I am not disputing hat. But I have had things happen to me, that I was a participant in.

From your description...there was no force and no resistance. How did she force his clothes off. How did she force him to remain there? What threats did she make. What force did she use?

Absent force, drugs, alcohol...etc...it wasn't rape from a LEGAL perspective.

Was she arrested? Did he file charges?

Unbreak,

Whether it was rape or not is no longer the point now, IMHO.

And we can argue the that point till the cows come home. But by arguing this you are avoiding that elephant in the room.

DO YOU WANT TO STAY IN THE M OR GO?? And does it eventually matter if he was raped or not?

That is why I asked the question in my first post, on this thread. If he was seduced and was weak would you feel differently? Or is it because you think he is lying about it that gets your goat?

Your H is very sorry and remorseful and wants to rebuild the M, and will do anything you say to do this. (correct me if I am wrong, here please).

Sounds like a very good foundation to build on. What will YOU do?

kirk

UnBreakMyHeart,



A lot of WS's vow to take a lie detector.....until their offer is accepted and the monitors are strapped on. Get the test done so you can move on to MUCH more important matters

mkeverydaycnt,
Sorry if I was a little abrupt. you're right, there was no overt force involved. However, I've been told by the abuse counselor that in most rape cases, physical force is NOT used (these don't make good new stories though), and that when someone is extremely panicked or scared, they can simply freeze, and be unable to do anything. My H does remember that he said no, and her response was, "I told you, I don't take no for an answer." I was also told by the abuse counselor that my H reactions AFTER (too many to list, but include washing his private parts with COMET and vomiting) were typical post rape reactions. No, he did not press charges. There is not a wealth of information out there about female on male rape (although it DOES happen) and he had no idea that it could happen. He didn't know what happened. He has said that had he known then what he knows now, he would have pressed charges.

He confronted her (on the phone) a month ago becuase she was harassing us (long story) and called her a rapist. He told her that she must have known he wasn't participating and asked her why she did that to him. He told her that she emotionally and physically raped him. That touching him without his consent was sexual assualt, and what she did after that was rape. She just kept saying, "oh my God, oh my god." We haven't heard from her sense.

He is currently doing research on how to obtain a lie dectector test. He is absolutely willing to do it. I asked him what will happen if I find out he's lying. He told me that he is telling the truth and it will be a relief to take the test. He just told me that being raped was the worst thing that ever happened to him, but he keeps emphasizing that it happened TO him. He says the pain is much worse because I don't believe that he was a victim of a crime, and that the test will prove that he was. I was a little shocked at his reaction. Hmmm.

the rape counselor is wrong....there is usually force or the threat of force is involved in a rape. Drugs or alcohol would be other much smaller factors. The fact that you were told that concerns me about the qualifications of this counselor.

Without force...real or threatened....or some type of coercion...drugs/alcohol etc...there usually is NO rape.

again...why didn't he just leave the area? Did she contain him? How did she gets his clothes off without force? He could have just walked away if he was not restrained.

Something is missing here. I work with a rape organization and I will tell you something is amiss here.

To me, it sounds like he just had regrets after it started and has told himself he didn't want it. that is NOT rape. Not wanting it is NOT rape. He allowed it and that is where this all falls apart.

He can still file charges against her. Why has he not done so now? it is NOT too late to press charges.

FBI statistics from the Uniform Crime Report...

"Based on rape offenses actually reported to the UCR Program in 2005, rapes by force comprised 91.8 percent of reported rape offenses, and assaults to rape attempts accounted for 8.2 percent of reported rape offenses. This equated to 48.4 rapes by force per 100,000 female inhabitants and 4.3 assaults to rape attempts per 100,000 females in 2005."

Your counselor is severly misinformed.

Wow. I will tell you that the counselor is a specialist in sexual assault, specifically MALE sexual assault.

What you're trying to say is that when someone says no, and their body is responding (the way they are all wired to respond) it's ok to go forward? Would you tell a woman who had no visable trauma injuries, but that told you she said no, that she wasn't raped? What year is this? The key word in your FBI statistics is "reported." How many rape victims don't report? They just try to put it behind them, becuase they think they must have done something to "deserve" or "cause" it to happen? What are the statistics on the number of women who have orgasms during their rapes? Does that mean they "wanted" or "liked" it somehow? (My H didn't "finish", by the way). Of course not.

How much research have you done on male assault? Disassociation? It does happen. To men and to women.

For the record, she didn't undress him. He was fully clothed, zipper down. No kissing, no hugging, no touching, except... He wasn't there. In his mind, he fled, which left his body there helpless. Also for the record, my H used to get beat by his father, he would flee then too, to a safe place in his mind. Does that mean he enjoyed getting beaten?

We talked to a lawyer about pressing charges, he said that while it was possible, courts where we live are pretty backwards, and it would probably not get throught the grand jury. So what's the point?

I don't know why I'm justifying any of this to you. This thread seems to have hit you on a very personal level, and I'm sorry for that. But, in an indirect way, it has helped me, so thank you. "Just becuase something sounds completely crazy doesn't mean it isn't the truth."