I've been married 11 years, and I've experienced more pain than good times. There are issues of mistrust, sex addiction that I found out about two years into the marriage, flirting, and just plain dissappointment with the entire institution of marriage. Hubby did not step up and fulfill his role. I've struggled financially during the entire marriage. I've lost so much...my good credit, my respect, my confidence, and my trust in men. Hubby hasn't been a good provider either and he'll attest to that. We have an 8 year old boy and for 7 years I was the only disciplinarian in the house and hubby would not support me. I also have my own business and worked, but I don't feel appreciated at all. I just don't want to share my life or my body with anyone anymore. Our marriage is very stressful and neither one of us is happy with the other. Our son loves both of us very much and I try to hang in there until the lil guy get 18, but I don't know if I can do that anymore. Sometimes I really don't want to be around hubby, because I really don't like him at all.

Our son doesn't want us to divorce...many of his playmates parents are divorced, but I don't know if I can hang in there any longer. Hubby is very possessive, controlling, demanding and insecure and I'm tired of it.

In my heart, I don't really feel a true genuine love for him but I do care about him. so, I'm not sure what I should do. I don't want to break my son's heart, but I'm very unhappy in this marriage. Please help!!!

Are you currently having an affair-either physical or emotional? Is there another person in particular that you are talking to about your marital issues? Has your husband ever had an affair?

Mrs. W

No, I never had an affair. Frankly, I'm not interested in another man, nor would I ever marry again. Marriage has been such a disappointing relationship for me. Several years ago when I was five months pregnant, hubby won a graduate scholarship to study in Hong Kong and I found out that he had a female in his hotel bed. He told me they would hold each other and watch movies. He said they were fully clothed and that they never had any type of sex. That almost ended the marriage then. He tells me that he's deeply in love with me and that he's never had an affair. I don't have any reason to suspect him, but I guess I've had so much pain and disappoints that I don't want anymore. Before I married my life was great. I had excellent credit, paid off car, bills paid on time, and able to take care of myself well. It seems like I get married and my whole life went downhill. I let hubby use my credit cards to start businesses that eventually never thrived. Even though my gut feeling was to say no and make him save up money, I let him use my cards trying to be a supportive wife. I certainly won't do that again. Eventually the cards were maxed out and we finally had to file bankrupty some years ago. It was really difficult to lose so much that I worked so hard to maintain. Keep in mind my degree is in finance and my background is a bank manager, so I really knew better...shame on me. We probably shouldn't have married in the first place, because we are so different. We have a very bright 8 year old boy, who loves us dearly and it would break his heart if we seperate or divorce. Both hubby and I have talked about hanging in there until the our son reaches 18, but I'm not sure if I can do that as much as I would like to for my son's sake. We've had so much marriage counseling, but I think the marriage is too far gone for me. I've had more pain and disappointment than joy in this marriage. We are both Christian, and I think neither one of us want to take the first step to seperate or divorce because we don't want the wrath of God upon our lives, and because we don't want to deeply hurt our son. I dont want to be selfish and get my own apartment, because it would really hurt our son. So many of his playmates parent's are divorced and he really is glad that his parents live in the same house. So, I'm between a rock and a hard place.

HIT...

I have to tell you that I very highly doubt your husband's story about that OW being in his bed fully clothed and cuddling with him in Hong Kong...That just isn't reasonable to believe...I do not believe for a second that he has been open and honest with you, and I feel that without radical honesty in a marriage you cannot have true intimacy...That being said, you absolutely CAN use MB to recover from an affair and it's principles to fall in love again...It will take a team effort, but it IS very possible...

I know that you have said that you guys have done all sorts of counseling through the years, but most marriage counselors really aren't pro marriage and are a waste of your time and money...The Harleys do marriage COACHING and it is a big difference...I truly believe that your family would benefit greatly from sessions with one of them...Would you be willing to call Steve Harley and give it a shot?

Mrs. W

2 things strike me.

First, Hubby already had another woman in his bed. Clothed or not...COMPLETELY wrong. How "Christian" is that anyway??

Second, you say the 2 of you talked to hang in there for the little one? .....Again, this guy wants his cake and eat it too. I think, from what litte you've shared, he has quite possibly already checked out. Sorry to say, but that's my gut on this one.

coupled with not being able to be finacially stable on his own???.... to me, and I hope I'm wrong here, he's already got another sugar momma taking care of HIM.

A sad fact of life is that more and more children are growing up in broken homes. But I heard someone say... "it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one..." Kids adapt. Mine did, and they are 2 of the happiest kids I've ever known.

I'm NOT condoning splitting up... not the "MB way". I'm just giving my 2 cents on what little I've read so far. I personally have yet to put 'me' first. I've been putting my wife first. I have since seen the light and am now putting my CHILDREN first.

...ask yourself, and be honest with yourself in your answer...what's TRULY BEST for your son?

...I'm not 100% MB in my post and again I apologize. Others will certainly chime in soon though. You have taken a very important step (coming here) towards finding that smile that seems to have wandered off your face....it'll be back sooner than you know now.

all the best,
TOMK

ironically enough... another sad fact.

Supporting facts:
I've made 5 calls and 3 emails to local MC for JUST ME- I'll worry about my wife going later, when they bring it up. (My circumstances dont allow me to confind in W just yet). So...in ALL 8 cases, FIRST response has been "Do you haev Insurance that covers my costs?"

After I read the comments here, I knew I had to finally settle the Hong Kong issue once and for all. So, I threw hubby a curve and had him put his hand on the Bible to confirm that he honestly never had sex in any form with anyone. I know that probably wasn't a good thing to do, but I didn't know how else to settle this issue in my heart once and for all. Without hesitation, he put his hand on the Bible and said, "with a clear heart and conscience I stand before you and declare that I never had sex with anyone else except you." He also said that he knew that what happened in Hong Kong was wrong and that he repented to me and God. He also said that knows it sounds far-fetched and crazy, but he didn't have sex even though most guys would've taken advantage of the situation. He said the girl knew he was married and he knew that he wasn't going to go any farther. I guess I still feel that he violated the vows just by having the girl in his bed in the first place. There are other issues, but that was the biggest one. I only hope that nothing like this will happen again because I WILL walk.

By the way...I thank all of you who responded. I felt a heavy burden lift as I shared my story.

God Bless you all!

Ask him to take a polygraph test...Watch his reaction...

Mrs. W

Cheaters will lie, lie, lie, often EVEN if solid evidence are presented to them.

The question is, did he disclose female in bed to you voluntarily or did you found out other way? If he disclosed it to you voluntarily, why did he disclose it to you if nothing actually happened?

Well, I found the copy of the email that the girl sent on our dresser as I was cleaning our bedroom. I confronted him about it and he said that he was going to tell me, but I told him that he had been home for two weeks and why he didn't tell me then.

I'm just so fed up with everything. There are many other issues and I try to hang in for our son and because I have seen spiritual growth in him. I honestly can say that I don't have any reason to suspect any nonsense since the incident occurred. I did let him know that I am a godly woman, and if anything is/does happen that it will be revealed by God. I'm not naive, but I can only go by what he has said and the fact that there is no reason to suspect that he is fooling around, and I hope that I'm right.

I've just got to deal with the other issues and I'm trying to take one step at a time.

hangin...

There are a lot of issues with your marriage, but you have -every- reason to fight to save it.

MB can help, I recommend picking up Fall In Love, Stay In Love, and His Needs, Her Needs from Dr. Harley.

Not everything in those books is intuitive.. actually creating a successful marriage in which both partners are truly fulfilled isn't an intuitive process.. our intuition as individuals is not always well suited to marriage. These books can help give you a chance to have a wonderful marriage that is not only rewarding for you, but for your husband too.

If your inclination is to try, at least until your son is 18, then you at least acknowledge that your children are a very important reason to fight for your marriage.. I suspect deep down you do love your husband very much as well, which is all the other reason you need.

Get the books.. get hubby interested in reading them -with- you.. get counseling with a Christian -PRO MARRIAGE- counselor.. and make a happy life for eachother.

I'm so sorry for the long post, but I need to vent. so please forgive me.

I'm trying so hard to hang in there, but it is so difficult. Not only do I have the issue with the marriage, but we also have an 8 year old boy who is very difficult to work with. Only because as he was growing up, his father wouldn't discipline him, so I was/am the disciplinarian and he would not support me. It is very frustrating to see this child ignore his dad, back talk me and his dad not say anything even though he's in the same room. Of course this is very frustrating and it leads to an argument. Then he will tell me that I have an anger issue which is not true. I just get upset because if his dad doesn't step up and assist in disciplining this child we will have big problems in the future and I don't want that. He has told me that he would begin disciplining him when he became a teenager. Of course I thought he was nuts and I told him that he must discipline the guy now because it's too late when he becomes a teenager. I don't know what he was thinking, but everyone should know that discipline is necessary. It is incredibly irritating, because my parents were disciplinarians and I know it's important. I'm also concerned because my paternal grandmother would not let my granddad discipline my uncle and today he is 50+ years old and living on the streets in a pathetic situation and I don't want anything but the best for my son as any parent would. It's really frustrating because this 8 year old child takes tantrums and he never did it when he was 2 or 3 because I wouldn't tolerate it. I mean this kid thinks he shouldn't do anything except play. I try to explain to him that there is a time to play and a time to work and work comes first. I try so hard to work with the kid, but I'm ready to just call it quits. I feel its an endless battle and I'm not sure that I'm ready for another 8 years of battle and intense stress without any support from his dad. My thoughts are to just get my own apartment and then we can share custody of the child. This way when he is with me I can try my best to instill values and ideals and pray that the Lord will honor my efforts and steer him on the right path. I try to be very fair with the child, but sometimes I get so incredibly frustrated that it's difficult to work with him. He will run to his dad and literally tattle on me because I told him to do his homework, clean his room, etc.---it's just crazy. And instead of his dad redirecting him and telling him to do his homework and share in the housework and then play, his dad will make excuses why he doesn't need to do it when I ask which is very frustrating. I find when his father is not home, we get along very well. He will do what I ask even though he might sigh or make a comment but then he stops. But when his dad is around all H**l breaks loose, and I'm so sick of it. The boy is an A student, but he doesn't even want to study, so a couple courses are dropping because he's not applying himself like he normally does. I do my best to encourage him to focus on his work and I am very involved in his education. I am a room mom, I attend all parent/teacher meetings, I closly monitor his work to be sure he stays on track at school, etc. The teacher tells me that there is no reason he shouldn't be an A student because he's a very bright boy. I try to encourage him to keep his grades up, so I even challenge him by giving him $100 when he brings home all A's on his report card. I don't say this to brag, but I just want to motivate him and do my part so our son can have a chance to reach his full potential in school. I also try to include much prayer and patience, but at times it's very difficult.

Another challenge I have is when I ask the boy to do his homework, housework or anything that involves work, the kid takes a tantrum and his dad does nothing. He doesn't try to redirect the child and tell him that he needs to do his homework or do his share around the house. I tell him that he is not teaching the boy be responsible, accountable and independent. I've spoken with hubby many times about this issue and we've had counseling, but still same old thing and I'm just tired. I try to hang in there, but sometimes I wonder why. Why am I allowing myself to be stressed and unhappy. I only want the best for my son and sometimes that requires discipline and making decisions that he may not like. But it's difficult because I feel like I have no support, even though I know that I must be strong, hang in there and do my part as the mom. I will continue to discipline when necessary no matter what because it must be done. I've spoken with many married women who tell me that they feel like single parents too because their husbands do not help and perform their role as fathers, and it's very sad. That is surely a recipe for a divorce.

Ok, if anyone has any comments, ideas or suggestions, please respond and thanks in advance.

hanginthere,

As far as the past infidelity....I suspect the whole truth has not yet come out. I'm not saying you should "hound" him or "interrogate", but neither should accept this version. It's just not believable. If something sounds too good to be true...it usually is. Keep investigating and keep asking questions until the story makes sense....because right now....it's hogwash. sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

As far as your son.....this situation is never going to improve until you and your husband can use the Policy of Joint Agreement to negotiate a discipline plan you can both embrace. It's vital that you STOP criticizing your H's way of handling your child. The disrespectful judgements you're throwing around will make compatibility, negotiation and intimacy unlikely. Approach this from a "solution oriented" conversation.....not another laundry list of his failings.

Sweetie....you have every reason on earth to be mad as a hornet....and nobody here would blame you for throwing in the towel.....

BUT

If you've come here to save your marriage from infidelity and incompatibility.....you're going to have to take a different tack. Stop the Love Busting. Read that section on the homesite and eliminate those things. Obviously he's needs to do that more than you do.....but your actions aren't dependent on his. Lead the way. It doesn't matter who starts bailing first....you're both in the same sinking boat.

So....make a decision to stay or go. When you do.....you can either get an attorney or start implementing the strategies on this site for rebuilding trust and intimacy.

Keep posting, and welcome to MB.

editted for grammar

Here is my advice. You need to step up and assert some control. Tell your H exactly how you feel. Tell him that there are problems in your marriage that you need to address because you aren't happy, and you will file for D if he doesn't work on the M with you. Then find a pro-marriage counselor or counsel with the Harley's to get your marriage back on track. If he refuses to work with you, file for D or legal separation. You can always reconcile during or after the D. A lot of people just won't change until they are forced to. Force him to make a decision one way or the other. Take control of your situation. It sounds to me like he doesn't want to get divorced, and you would have him over a barrell if you just asserted yourself.

jmwc,

I think you're right that hanginthere needs to be assertive, but I'd like to see her do that in a positive way for now. There is so much negativity and animousity that has built up over the years because of the financial issues, infidelity, discipline....that I would caution against ultimata or threats. Assertiveness is not about "control"....EXCEPT controlling one's own emotional and physical safety. She can't change him through "force" and threats are different from boundaries.

I think what you really mean....is that you'd like to see her enforce some boundaries that define what is and is NOT tolerable TO HER....and I sure agree with that! She's allowed all of this to go on far too long and without some assertiveness....it's just going to get worse. That's different from making a threat. A threat is an implied punishment...."do this or else...." A boundary is for her protection from his poor judgement: "I can't make you work on our marriage, but the natural consequence of inaction, will be that I lose hope, love and faith in you. Eventually, our incompatibility will destroy any chance we have to save our marriage. I don't want a divorce, but I will file for divorce if I have to protect myself from infidelity, financial ruin and disrespect." It's a fine line....but I do think it's an important distinction.

Almost every Plan Dr. Harley has....starts with eliminating lovebusters. That's because it gives the partner trying to save the marriage an edge in negotiation. If you're treating your partner well....their mistakes become more glaring and indefensible. Ending lovebusters doesn't mean throwing assertiveness out of the window though....because the POJA revolves around getting YOUR TAKER to the negotiation table. You need that assertive taker so that your giver doesn't give away your chance for happiness.

Happy New Year to everyone and thanks for your responses. I'm still hanging in there. Reading books, prayer, etc.

I just have one question.....what do you do when you just don't like your spouse, much less say you love him? When he criticizes seemingly everything you do or don't do, when he sees the beam in my eye but not the mote in his, when he attacks your character, makes false accusations against you, etc.? I try hard not to let those things bother me, since I know they aren't true, but it does bother me nonetheless. So as hard as I try not to retaliate, then I'll say mean things back which isn't the right thing to do either. I don't want to leave because for some strange reason, I do believe that our marriage can get better. I've read stories about marriages that were worse than mine and how the Lord turned it around---so I believe that there is still hope somewhere in this marriage. also, his new finance business is growing, so maybe we can eliminate the financial stress as we work on other issues.

I would like to see our marriage become a good one, and I believe it's possible. I just feel that if I don't react to his comments, then maybe things will be ok. I'm trying very hard to be an example, even though some days it's very difficult...almost impossible. Sometimes i fail, but I'll continue to repent, get back on the saddle and continue the journey. My goal is be an example to our son and pleasing in God's sight. Wish me well and many prayers!

Hi hanginthere
Re-read Star*Fish's first posting to you, everything is there including the answer to your question.

To let you know, you are not alone, I feel the same way, not only do I not love my spouse, I don't like him either. Jennifer is helping us although I'm not sure that even MB can change things sufficiently for me to stay. The problem is that the bad dance has gone on for so long that I can hardly remember a time when it was better than this. Sound familiar?

And my FWH has been like yours with the children. Sometimes I think they would have been better off without him in their lives at all. Then I remember that he would have been in their lives but with another woman. Imagine the conflict that would have caused!