I had an affair on my wife for the past six months. I don't know why I treated her the way I did. I have regretted my decision for a long, long time. I am completely in love with my wife and I want her back more than I ever have.

We are currently separated with one month left before the divorce finalizes. She is now seeing another man who treats her well. Has anyone encountered this or heard of another situation like this and more importantly...Is there any hope?

It is totally up to your W. The fact she is found someone that makes her happy helps you none. Yet there is alway hope.

There is another thread on here you might want to read from the beginning.

look for sexymamabear's thread.

-JKT

Also read her H's thread (tst) and follow his lead. He is truly remorseful and willing to do all of the things necessary to give just compensation. Go for it....

IFMW, Where are you at? How are you doing?

Chai: I agree TST's thread would be invaluable. I just wanted him to find it the end of SMB's thread.

Hopefully after reading all that, he will see there's still hope.

-JKT

JKT and Chai,

Thank you for the advice. I'm doing my best but the divorce finalizes in three weeks. I have waited so long it might be too late. But I'm going to fight as hard as I can to rebuild this marriage.

She still says that she has a good man who treats her well and she doesn't know if she can take that chance with me. Completely understandable but I'm still going to do what I can to show her that we can rebuild us. I certainly want her and need her in my life. What I've put her through is far and away the biggest regret of my life.

Another question I have for anyone out there. My wife says she just doesn't feel that anymore for me. I try to point out to her that it won't feel that way unless she tries to work on us with me because of all the damage that has been done. Are there any success stories out there for couples that had one or the other not wanting to try but when they finally did, things worked out? Or any place I can look for this info. She did mention that if others were successful she would take a look at their stories to see if it would help sway her opinion of our situation.

Bump as I am desperate for help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Did you look for the threads by "sexymamabear" and "tst", as the other posters suggested? The stories you are looking for are in there. Those threads on the first or second pages of this forum (General Questions II).
Mulan

It could just be that your wife doesn't want you any more. A WS needs to accept the very real possibility that their worth to their STBX could possibly have dropped to a point where the BS is no longer interested.
I would also suggest reading SMB and TST's threads....but remember, your wife may not be interested in recovery.
It's a tough lesson to learn and hopefully you will not make this mistake again in future relationships.

Can you give us the circumstances of your affair and how it effected your marriage? How long did it go on and what did she try to do to end it? Did your wife grow to hate you before she gave up?

Also, has all contact ended with your OW? And I do mean ALL.

p.s. how long married? Any kids? Who was the OW?

The OW was a co-worker of mine. The emotional affair began about 7-8 months ago. I told my wife about 6 months ago. I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to be married anymore. I also moved out of the house to live at my brother's until we figured out what our lives were going to entail (moving out was a huge mistake). My wife held out and waited for me for about 3 months. She still said nice things to me, asked me to come home, cried when i wasn't there, and pleaded for me to stop what I was doing.

It was at the end of July when I had a family function and I asked my wife to go with me. She did and we had a very good time. Later that night, after I dropped her off back at home, I took a drive and it hit me at that point. I do very much love my wife yet. I went and talked to my wife about reconciling and she said end your affair now or divorce. I said give me some time to end it (another huge mistake). As much as I should have listened to her, I felt as though I needed to end the affair with some dignity as I felt the OW was a good person who got involved with a terrible situation. Two weeks later I packed up some of my stuff from my brothers (this is early August now) and came home to make it work. Only problem was that my wife wasn't there. So I booted up the computer and read through some emails on it. It is then I discovered that she was dating another man. What I did to her for months suddenly took a big reversal and it all hit me in a wave of emotion. I broke down uncontrollably and tried getting in touch with my wife. We talked a bit the next day over the phone and she informed me that she was filing for divorce.

I then made yet another mistake and ran back to the OW. But something was different after that. Any time I did anything with her I could only ask myself why I didn't do this stuff with my wife, why I didn't try harder, why was I still here, etc. Yet I continued this charade until Nov. 9th. That night the OW and I called it off. She had to take care of her life (she is also married) and I needed to try and fix mine. I have talked to her once since then and seen her once (to pick up all of my things at her place). My two conversations consisted of how her and her husband were trying and what types of things they were going to do. Basically looking for anything that could help my situation.

I do not anticipate speaking to her again. I have deleted her number from my phone and deleted all emails I've had from her. She has since moved to a different department within the company and I have since left the company, so there is no threat of seeing her at work anymore either.

My wife has a huge heart and I know she believes in the virtues of marriage. That is why I truly believe that if she puts forth the effort with me, we can rebuild this and eventually become a strong couple again.

I do not believe my wife grew to hate me, but there is a lot of resentment and anger over what I put her through. She said she will look at some things to see if she can find it in her heart to try. To me, that makes me think that she truly does want to try, but she wants to see some proof that it can work and that there are success stories.

We have no children and have been married a bit over 7 years

If I were her, I would wait a while to see if the affair was truly over first. She may be taking her time, which only makes sense.

Does the OW's H know all about the affair?

Hi ifailedmywife
When I saw your postings I thought for a moment my husband had posted on the forum!

I think I understand why your wife won't come back. You have exhausted her. I feel the same way about my marriage and for much the same reasons.

BUT I think there is something that would work for me. Maybe it would work for you too? What about telling your wife that she does not have to change, that you understand that you have to do all the work of fixing the marriage because you were the one who broke it.

I know that is what I have to hear. If I told WS this, he will just say the words but not mean them. The words have to come from the heart not the mouth.

If my WS were to do this, and act on it, in time I would be able to make the changes needed too.

I just can't yet because of the trust issues.

ifailed, you do understand that the OW is not a good person, right? She is an adulteress who screws married men and cheats on her husband. Telling your W that the interests of this rapist are more important than HER interests had to have been particularly galling. Have you changed your outlook about this? How can she be assured you will protect her if you value the best interest of a rapist over that of the victim? That is how it is in reality and she should not trust you until she is assured this foggy, unjust viewpoint is corrected.

I agree with Melody about the OW not being a 'good person'.
From your wife's perspective, the adulteress having sex with her husband most certainly is not a 'good person'!

And if you really wanted to win your wife back, all of your concern should have been for your wife - not the OW. Choosing to delay ending the adultery, out of concern for the OW (OVER concern for your wife) was yet another act of betrayal for your wife to have to deal with, another message to your betrayed wife that you chose the OW over your wife. Maybe you were more concerned about what the OW tought of you than of what your BW thought of you? Big mistake.

Couldn't have said it better myself. IFMW, *this* is why your wife refuses to come back to you - because you've been far more concerned about your girlfriend than you have about your wife.

What woman in her right man would go back to a man like that?

Women who f**k married men are NOT good people. As long as you want to protect a woman like that, you can be sure your wife will never come back to you - nor should she.

If you want your wife back, you'll have to swap positions - drop the OW on her [censored] and leave HER out in the cold to fend for herself, just the way you did your wife. Start protecting and caring for your wife instead protecting and caring for the OW.

Things have zero chance of turning around unless and until you're willing to do this.
Mulan

Lied To Again:

I SO understand where you are coming from!

I also have a WXH who would probably parrot back to me the right stuff to say... if I was still giving him clues. But eventually I figured out that all he was interested in was becomging a better con artist - NOT a better husband!

I know it effects what advice I am willing to give to WS's who post here.

Unfortunately WS's sometimes want to get away with doing as little as possible to get positive results ASAP.

I think they should have to work at winning the BS back for as long, and with as much effort, that they put into the adultery and betrayal.

Hello IFMW,
I agree with Melodylane and Mulan. It cannot be stressed enough that your wife has been horribly wounded by your actions. If you show ANY concern AT ALL for the feelings of your adultery partner in front of your wife, that is rubbing salt in her wounds. If your wife was trying to salvage the marriage after finding you out, then she was expending an incredible amount of energy to simply not hate you. It is likely that she placed those unpleasant feelings squarely on the other woman. For you to show any concern at all for the other woman, let alone place her feelings above your wife's feelings on your priority list is profoundly disrespectful and painful to her. Don't do it if you want her back. Show her total remorse for the pain you have inflicted. Take responsibilty for it. Own it. Show willingness to do whatever it takes for her to trust you again.

Well said, Meremortal.

I finally figured it out too!