I know now that me saying I needed to end that relationship with dignity was a terribly wrong. I look back on a lot fo things I did and I truly wonder what the ****** was wrong with me.

I am not trying to become a better con artist. I can still see the pain in my wife's eyes and it brings tears to my own, every time. How I could do that to her is killing me inside. How I could let her watch what I was doing makes me a terrible husband. I just don't underatand how I could do that.

I know the OW is not a good person, I resent ever starting anything with her. I never want to talk to her again. I turned my back on the person who cared for me the most, who looked out for me the most, who loved me unconditionally. The pain of knowing how I completely screwed my marriage, and what's worse, her life, is killing me every day.

To answer another question, yes, the OWH knows about the affair and the last time I talked to her (when I picked up my things) they were going to counseling and trying to see if they could reconcile. I do not plan on ever finding out how it turns out for them. That is not my concern anymore.

ifailed, do you think she would be interested in trying again if you showed her a dedicated, sincere PLAN of recovery? We could give you an outline of what it would take to recover your marriage, including affair proofing it [making her safe], and showing you both how to fall in love again.

Better yet, would she be interested in attending a Marriage Builders weekend?

What do you think it would take to make her want to try?

ifmw-

Dr. Phil said something once on a show where a couple were having issues 2 years after his A.

The XWH thought that enough time had gone by and his BW should "get over it" by now.

This is what Phil said: "Until your wife believes in her heart of hearts that you understand the pain you have caused her, she will NEVER get over it."

Get a copy of "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It will give you some insight into what your BW has experienced. It also may give you some things you can do to reach out to her.

I hope this helps.

Johnstwin,

I do not want my wife to "get over it". Not at all. I have told her that I want her to show me and tell me what I did to her. I want to see the pain I put her through. I want to seek help to get all of the hurt and pain out in the open. I do feel as I know some of what she went through, just from the pain I feel when I look back and see what I've done. But I'm not dumb enough to believe it is close to the same level as her pain was. I know that this all must be brought out in order to heal. But I also know she is a person who likes to keeps things internalized to protect herself, so getting us to open up to each other will be a huge undertaking in itself. Its something I am very much up for, but right now she doesn't think she wants to open those wounds again.

She does say that she belives that I am truly sorry for what I've done and she can see that in my eyes, so I guess that's one positive step.

Thank you for the recommendation on the book. I will definitely look into that. Appreciate it.

MelodyLane,
I would love an outline for a plan for marriage recovery. I will talk to her about this and see what she thinks. The Marriage Builders weekend is something she may be up for someday if she wants to give it a go, but I am guessing right now she would say no because of the other man in her life right now. But again, I will bring it up.

Just talked to her a few minutes ago. What it would take for her to try is for her to see its in her best interest and the right choice to give it a shot. She has a person who respects her and treats her good right now and she isn't sure she wants to sacrafice that for me.

I also asked her that if she felt that she could make it work, did she have it in her to tell the other man that she had to try in her marriage. She said she didn't know because he didn't deserve that. I then told her that if our marriage has a chance to recover, it should take precedence over him (said it in a nicer way than that). She did agree to that point.

he's not such a winner if he's having an affair with a married woman though is he?

You need to show her a broken and contrite heart.

Ok, what I would do is try to win her back by looking for opportunities to demonstrate that you will treat her good. Try asking her out, offer to change the oil in her car or meet her needs in other ways. Look for creative opportunities to meet her needs.

What about Christmas? Can you spend the holidays with her? Do you see any opportunities to get together with her? Can you send her romantic card? flowers?

Here are 2 really good articles that would help put this marriage back together if she would allow it:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

and

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

p.s. I would also suggest getting Surviving an Affair and reading it so you understand the dynamics of adultery and its effect on a marriage. You can buy the book off this website cheap with fast, cheap shipping.

IFailedMyWife,


I hope I didn't imply this with my last post. I just got caught up in my own husband's behavior, after Meremortal described my husband's behavior perfectly.

I think you are sincere in your desire for recovery.

I think you can do it (win her back).

Well,

I tried talking to her about the different options. She just isn't interested. She refuses to see me and would rather talk about things over the phone or through email. Apparently the new man of four months is everything she's ever dreamed of (including having a 3 year old daughter...which is a huge thing for her because we have tried unsuccessfully for 5 years to conceive, even with medical help).

So...I'm pretty much at a loss and unless she is willing to see me anytime in the near future, I think I'm going to have to throw in the towel soon. The divorce date has been delayed until the beginning of January but it's still a case of too little too late I think.

Very gutwrenching to see what I pushed her into.

It may be that she is genuinely happy now and just getting on with her life. It could also be that any guy would look good after what you put her through. Perhaps you should just let her know how you feel and if she decides to return, great...if not, wish her well in life, fix your issues and find happiness.

The risk any WS takes when they stray is that their wife/husband will find truly greener pastures elsewhere.

Did you ever read the threads recommended by myself and other?

If not read it, all of it. Start with Sexymambear's which will lead you to TST's.