M 56 married 33 years (thought we were both committed Believers) discovered last week my 57 W has been having an affair with a fat New York yankee and we have always lived in the southeast US. A few little things raised my interest and then last week she told me the company just decided she needed to go to NY for a business trip. A few days after that I was looking in her daytimer for some stamps and saw that she had written 'out of office--vacation' down for those 3 days. Pretty strange for a very organized exec. I then hacked her priceline account and saw where she had purchased the airline ticket 3 weeks ago and there was no hotel in the itinerary. So I made a couple of phone calls and found somebody that could hack her email and there were all the sordid details. I know that she met this guy in NYC in July for another 'business' trip. Then in mid October while I was out of town , she called me and said some old friends from her high school days were going to meet in VA. for the w/e. I had no reason to object. I saw the directions to the hotel and confirmation in her emails. He even sent some pics of himself so I know what this dude looks like. That's when I was really devastated. Even if I say so myself, he can't hold a candle to me lookswise. We are well off (mid-6 figure income, high net worth) she gets anything she wants, cruise 2-4 times a year, etc. 21 and 25yo sons college grads. You get the picture but I had no clue. Email mentions meeting in 1984!!
BUT I LOVE HER and have built my whole life around her. I confronted her as lovingly as I could starting by sending her flowers at work, told her we would go for a ride and discuss the occasion. Went to wallyworld and parked way out and told I loved her and I had been praying about this for a few days and handed her the watch she had given me for our 30th aniversary with the inscription 'To the next 30 years' and asked her if she still meant that. She said she did and then I said if she did she had something she needed to tell me. She feigned ignorance so I told her I knew all the sordid details and started laying them out with his name, places they met, things they did etc. She was very angry. I was very taken aback by the fact she didn't just roll over and confess. I probably did the wrong thing and begged her not to leave me because I do love her. I cryed and she steamed and finally broke down and said she would break it off but she still had to go up there and do it in person. I didn't want her to do that for sure but she said that was the only way she was gonna be able to do it. I finally said go but only for one night instead of the 3 she had booked. We went back to the house and she left to call him and break the news. When she returned she said she had to stay the other two nights. I finally relented and said two and no intimacy if she would promise me she would come back. I was desperate I guess and now realize how stupid that was. She is due back tomorrow nite and I am a nervous wreck about what has and will transpire. I could never tell our pastor and so I finally found this forum and would appreciate some advice on a start in handling this situation.

In the 48 hours since the confrontation I have had thoughts that ranged from love to hate for him, her and myself. I have never encountered anything so painful and confusing.

Can somebody help?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. I agree that it was a big MISTAKE to have them say "goodbye" in person. The only way to end an affair is to just end it.

When she returns, ask her to write him a no contact letter. It should say that the affair was a mistake, she loves you, and wants to work on her marriage, and that she wants no contact ever with him for any reason. Then you send the letter.

Other than that, she needs to be an open book, with you having her passwords, access to her phone calls, and her accounting for all of her time.

If she refuses the above, we can still help you.

Oh, also if the other man is married, his wife needs to be informed that he is cheating.

GSE,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. I'm so sorry you're here for this reason. I'm so glad you're here, too.

First thing, go out and grab "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. Take a vacation day yourself tomorrow to read it.

Infidelity is shocking in many ways...especially in our emotional reaction to it. Stunning in the depth of pain, fear, anger...you're normal, not crazy.

One of the things in the book outlines Plan A...which is what we do to break up the A...to bring reality. It includes exposure. You said that you could never tell your pastor...may be your automatic reaction...you may feel embarrassment, even naked fear, in anyone knowing you're experiencing infidelity.

Hold your fear and act anyway. Expose to the OM (other man) family, GF, wife, children...if he's attached to her work, expose to her employer. To your family and her family.

Why? Because you've been living in lies without knowing...without the information for you to act from. So are others. Spread the truth by exposing. Often, the outcome is that A's die fast when exposed to the light.

When you act from the truth, you begin living in it. It's a choice, not a condition.

Read about Love Busters (LBs) next...see where your own assumptions, which are fantasy, distorted knowing the truth of your life, your marriage, stuff in yourself. Eliminate the LBs and figure out her Emotional Needs (ENs)...there are free questionnaires here on this website for both.

Read the threads on the GQII forum here...see you are not alone, your feelings are valid, how others have walked in your shoes. You'll find out how much the WS (wayward spouse) follows a script. So do BS's (betrayed spouses).

You're in reality...she's not. Make sure you stay in reality so you can bring it...while you learn more about what you are responsible for and what you are not.

Gimble said, "Affairs are the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect." I don't take the respect as admiration...I believe respect is knowing everyone on the planet is a separate person from ourselves, even our partners. Their choices are about them...not us. We sure can experience marriage differently. Look to that formula to understand how you are loved and disrespected at the same time. Because resentment is powerful, and when built into entitlement, it generates a fog of fantasy.

Takes time for the fog to break. Know you are not the cause, control or cure for her. Get to know your own power, your half of the marriage.

Be brave and true to yourself if you've chosen your goal to save your marriage. I believe it's the best choice. You have no idea how many lies of omission you've been living in...you can't know until she shares the truth with you.

You can, however, spot your own self-deception and remove it, piece by piece. I did this by finding my own false payoffs in choosing not to know reality. Finding where my perspective and beliefs were in fantasy.

We have many successful marriages here on MB, recovered after infidelity. Your choice. Set your goal and act to it. Healthy boundaries take healthy boundary enforcements.

Your responsibility is to not try to get the truth out of your foggy WW. Yours is to have your ways to verify the truth and I think you pounced on that really quickly.

In SAA, there is a no contact letter that your WW writes and signs and you both mail together to the AP (affair partner). It's no contact (NC) for life.

Your WW can rebuild your trust over time...through transparency. You can require transparency (passwords to all email, accounts, voicemail, cell accounts, etc.) as part of recovery.

Please keep posting and reading...helps with the obsessing in all you don't know and may think you know but don't. Helps your tires stop spinning in place, 'k?

Welcome.

LA

One of his emails to her discussed his discussions with his wife that theirs was just a 'marriage of convenience' and there was no love there and that my W and his actions had no bearing on what happened with his long-standing crummy marriage.

Blah, blah, blah. It's amazing the lies WS's will tell to each other.

Follow the plan. Expose, expose, expose.

Most wayward spouses will say that their A has 'nothing to do' with their marriage and that the two are completely separate things that don't affect each other. It simply isn't true. They are lying to themselves. Don't take it to heart.

Also, Waywards lie and you can't believe much of anything that OM will say. You need to contact OM's W and expose the affair. It won't be fun, but it's necessary.

What about the evidence? WW asked me to destroy the computer files and I said I would if she came back from NY but now I am having second thoughts about that. Do we,she, I need to be checked for STD's?

Absolutely you need to be checked for STD's. Letting her go for another 3 nights with her lover is absolutely insane. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so understanding and accommodating as you have been? Do you honestly think she would have said sure go back and see your lover for another 3 days so you can say goodbye? The fact that she would do this to you indicates what utter distain and so little respect she has for you. If you don't respect yourself then who will? I don't mean to be harsh but her actions indicate that she feels she can walk all over you and you will still beg for me. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

You are absolutely right and I realize that now but at the time I was so distraught that she was not penitent and said that in person was the only way she would break it off, I gave in. When she gets in tomorrow I hope to be thinking better and just lay out the rules for continuing our marriage that I have picked up here.

GSE,

Take the data and the evidence and put it some place safe. Trust me you may well need it during exposure if this affair continues and the odds are high that it will.

She waltzed out of there back to her lover KNOWING that you knew what she was doing and with whom. Trust me you won't and should not trust a think out of her mouth for months after No Contact is really established. Verify, and make sure her actions match her words.

And stop begging, frankly a woman that would treat you as she is now, is NOT worth having. The woman you used to be married to is worth having. It remains to be seen who she will be in the months to come. She is feeling very entitled now, and also very much in control. Things have to change.

Please do the reading, please get tested for STD's (you don't know who either of them have slept with before), and please store the data away for possible future use.

I know you are shocked and hurt, but you are in the game now and the name of this game is to play to win. In our world playing to win means getting the marriage rebuilt to both of your satisfactions, but you must be tough, recovery and the what you are about to go through is NOT for sissies.

You sound like a successful man with may good attributes, don't let her beat you down with the typical stuff wayward spouses, WS's say. It is call "fog talk" around here and you will be amazed as you read posts how all of them seem to quote verbatum from the same book. That is why we feel this approach works, because the dynamics of affairs follows an amazingly narrow road with few deviations.

Arm yourself, and get ready for the battle.

God Bless,

JL

What do you know about this man? Begin finding out whatever you can. Don't be surprised if your W does not break off contact and lies about it, I would say you should almost expect this to happen considering how long this A has been going on (you said as far back as 1985?!).

Familiarize yourself with the Marriage Builders plan, it really does work.

Sorry you find yourself here GSE. Its probably not the club you hoped to join.

Just by the by, do southerners still call northerners Yankees? Sounds so Foghorn Leghorn.