Okay will someone please explain to me why do WS's feel the need to treat the BS like sh*t??? I don't get it!

It's almost as if he acts as though HE'S the betrayed one.... like I'm the one who had the A... I just don't get it!!! People have told me that it makes them feel better about themselves, but how does treating your spouse like sh*t make you feel better about what you did??? I do understand that in his messed up little mind I will/can never be as perfect as his ******. He's not at all blaming me for the A which is often what waywards do. He has rewritten our history, but has never called me a bad wife or anything like that. He just says that we're different and that it's no one's fault and that people get D all the time like it's just no big deal. I don't understand why on earth he thinks I should respect his relationship with 'her' I don't get why he thinks I should protect his relationship with 'her' (How dare I expose) and he's even throwing a big stink b/c I want to take our D papers to a lawyer!! He thinks I'm the one who's being childish!!! I'm the stupid one!!! ARGH!!!

Someone on here explained it as "alien abduction". Your WS has been abducted by aliens and is not thinking with a human brain. It's an alien brain.

No explanation because there is no logic to the actions of a WS. Best you spend the time learning how to protect yourself and your family. Learning about techniques which may help you protect yourself (i.e. plan B, reverse babble, etc.) will give the WS back their guilt.

In time others will see what you have been experiencing. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Secure your immediate support group, secure your finances, reassure your family of your love and commitment to them (WS' abandon their families, physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.), identify your personal and M boundaries.... when your mind and heart are in sync and after you have done a good plan A, then you will be ready t/g to plan B.

Make sure you read SAA & HNHN. LMBT by Dobson is good also. Call Steve for help with your plans.

That's just for staters. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Its self vitriol turned on to others...

how else does one justify such acts...
but not taking responsibility and projecting fault on to others....

they are victims of their own affair....

ignoring their actions of the affair and clinging to things such as it just happened...it couldn't be helped...it was out of my control....

that's how it makes them feel better by alleviating that gnawing guilt that haunts them in the twilight before sleep comes....

their guilt is great
they truly do battle for their own salvation...God was very clear about his stance on adultery...

learn to babble back...

he says you should respect her...
you babble back..
I definitely will as soon as she behaves respectfully...

and walk away...

ARK

If he didn't blame *you*, he'd have to blame *himself* for all of the stupidity and destruction.

Think he's going to do that?

Nope.

So it must somehow all be YOUR fault.

You wanted an explanation of WS behaviour?

There it is.
Mulan

cinc,

GASLIGHTING. Where the WH throws it all back on the BS telling them they are psycho and delusional.

This is usually done prior to the discovery of the A, but, in your case, your WH is doing it after the fact and throwing in some immature whining, pouting, sulking, and petulance too.

IMHO,

kirk

Not that this is exactly a "plus side", but eventually this behavior becomes predictable and it is, in fact, easier to deal with. I'm no longer shocked at what spews out of WH's mouth anymore, even though others are. At this point, it's easier to look like I'm made of teflon.

You shouldn't let any WS off the hook that easily.

It's a human brain, it's their brain.

They are making a conscious choice to treat you however they are treating you.

Yes, that scumbag WS is the person you married. That is what we BS's have to face.

I still don't quite get the pshycolgocical reasoning for this... but maybe there's just not!! So, maybe the reason he is pushing so hard for me to sign the divorce papers is to alleviate some of his guilt.... maybe in his messed up little mind it will make things okay???? Doesn't change what happened though!!!!

I cannot believe how totally diff. WH is from the man I married.... It is absolutely unreal!!!! It's like I don't even know him anymore. Everything about him has changed!! from his style of music, his driving style, his attitude even twd other people!!!! It's just crazy!!! Where did my prince charming go?????

In my H's case, I think he was being a jerk so that I'd ask for a divorce and he wouldn't be the "bad guy". Then he could live happily ever with OW and there would be butterflies and puppies and unicorns everywhere.

I'm glad you asked, because I'll see if I can get an answer out of him on this one.

Cincv,
I don't have any answers, but if it is any comfort, that does seem to be standard operating procedure from the WS. I could have written your post, WS is still mad at me for not accepting his affair and making it easy for him.

Here is a phone conversation that happended shorty after exposure:

WS: Jean, now OW is scared to be with me, she is afraid of what you will do next. Please tell her that you won't do anything else.

BS: You want your wife to comfort your mistress and tell her that this is OK. Yeah, put her on the phone.

WS: She is so scared she won't even come to the phone.

BS: Well, just tell her that I will show her the same respect that she showed my family.

WS hung up and he has been pi$$ed ever since, we have since divorced, the affair is over and yet he is still a miserable man and it is all my fault. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Cincv,

My WH is not only someone absolutely different, but is downright cruel at times.

I guess what boiled down for me was I don't have the mind of a WS and so how they come up with this is beyond understanding. For me, and it hasn't happened, is to somehow get to a place where you are protected against the hurt emotionally and just understand your H is not there at all in any way.

I totally understand how hard it is. But we have to protect ourselves to survive and come out of this experience a better person.

For me, I could understand the A, I couldn't understand him walking out on his family, pretty much abandoning his children, making it all OUR fault and him being the COMPLETE victim.

Maybe science could get a brain in this state and study it to see if there are any abnormalities. Who's up for that? I would offer them my WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SG

I'm a little curious as to how long this lasts. WH (STBX) has started calling me again about a variety of little things (mostly to do with DS) and it has not been nasty. I know he's just a hairs-breadth from exploding and I'm starting to get that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. So far it hasn't and I'm a little afraid that I may be being lulled into being unprepared. Can someone please verify that his cruelty and alien-like behavior will return shortly. After all, the A is still going strong and so is all the drama that feeds it (OWH is suing OW).

The reason he treats you badly is because he needs to demonize you in order to justify his bad behavior. He has rationalized his affair this way. He needs you to EXPLODE at his shabby treatment so he can validate his demonization. If you react, he can say "see, I was right! she is a b*tch, therefore, I was justified in having the affair."

But when you don't react, you ruin his validation and screw up his excuse for cheating.

And I wouldn't sign a damn thing. Make him hire an attorney and do it all through your attorney. Just give those papers back to him - UNSIGNED - and tell him to have his people contact your people.

I also believe that no matter what the BS does, the WS can use it to justify their behavior.

For example, if you don't sign the papers, you are a spiteful person and that he why he had an affair. If you do sign the papers, you obviously don't care about the marriage and that is why he had an affair.

Don't let Wayward perceptions affect your decision making process.

Excellent point, Jean!