I would love it if some of the mil. 'experts' would post a topic on how to deal his WS's CoC. I'm starting to think that they live in this fantasy world with my WH!!!

LOL...I know just how you feel. Been there, doing it now. I finally got to a Capt yesterday that yanked my WS into a sit down and told him to get it together. I had already told Capt that WS was having an affair. Then WS had to try & talk himself out of it. You can read it on my thread.

But if your WS is enlisted, you have to go over the Sr. NCO's and go for the Captains, Major's and Colonels. Go straight for the top. Because the NCO's and enlisted will ALWAYS cover for each other. Especially if they are in law enforcement.

Hi CinCvhouse,

My first Platoon Sergeant alegedly was sleeping with one of my soldier's wife.

When I found out about it, I brought the Platoon Sergeant in and 'investigated'... of course he denied everything, but I still had to "do something". I ended up counseling him, and giving him a less than stellar NCOER... I also recommended to the Company Commander that he be re-assigned to another unit.

The Company Commander backed me up and reassigned him out of the unit.

This all happend about 6 months before I found out about Mrs. RIF's "first" A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Use the chain of command and use the Chaplian... if they don't resolve your issues to your satisfaction, go up their chains of command. EVERYONE, including the commander, has a boss... and 99.99% of all bosses have an open door policy.

Hope this helps...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Yup. Agree with RIF.

Make sure that you document everything you are doing, who you are meeting and talking with in his CoC. Follow up face to face meetings with a letter or email that confirms what was discussed and what the member of the CoC said they would do.

Give them a reasonable timeframe to act and then follow up with them to respectfully request a status.

If they are making empty promises and you have given them a few weeks to deliver, then go up the CoC with all of your documentation.

Letting the CoC know that you are keeping a record of actions and results should help them take this seriously AND encourage them to take action expeditiously.

Who

Added to all the stellar advice above...

When speaking to CoC, always ask who the next person in the CoC is, and if needed how can I contact them...

This will get the message across in a non-threating manner that you are not going away. This is not just a angry spouse tantrum.

Excellent advice JKT!

CinC & LA,

I know how painfull this is and I know how hard it is to control your emotions when dealing with this... so this advice isn't a slam against either of you... just something for you both to think about...

You will get a much better response from the CofC if you are calm, cool, and collected when you speak with them. Be professional and courteous at all times and only speak in terms of FACTS.

It will be tempting to really lay it out there to the CofC, but I can assure you that they don't want to know all of the gory details...

The CofC is concerned with one thing - The welfare and morale and combat effectiveness of the unit... everything else is secondary.

They could care less how many times your H went over to the OW's house, or how many times he's slept with her...

What they DO care about is your married H being involved with another member of the unit or community, because that lowers unit morale and reduces the combat effectiveness of the unit.

Deal with facts that you can verify and put them in terms of how this affects the unit moral and combat effectiveness and I think you will find a more "open" ear to your efforts...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Use the Chaplain, his entire Chain of Command will be formally pressed to deal with it from the Commander to the First Sgt. This will get around the good ole boy network.

very good advice!! thanks!!

I went to the chaplain first I have spoken with his 1st Sgt and MSgt a few times very cool, calm and collected but then when they started trying to turn things around on me, (blaming me?) telling me my evidence didn't prove anything, etc treating me like I'm just a stupid wife out to get revenge on her husband etc I was furious and had it out with his MSgt. I found out the very next day that his commander is pressing charges however that's all I know! I've tried contacting his CoC on questions about my ERD and they yelled at my WH b/c I "keep calling about stupid ******" I hadn't spoke with his CoC in over a month!! They are also trying to force me to sign the divorce papers and agree to the joint custody etc! I feel as though they are treating me like I am the one who had the affair! That's just not right!!!!

But I do see that many many other people have probs with the WS's CoC too so I thought this would be a good topic and great help for others.

Wish I had advice to give but I've got nothing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi CinC - Have you tried going higher up the CofC??? Have you talked with the Chaplian and told him that the CoC is pressuring you to sign the divorce papers?

Semper Fi,

RIF

Cinc,

I am in no way slamming NCO's here, but you really do need to bump this up to the officer level. Often, NCO's tend to circle the wagons and cover for their own.

Getting into a confrontation with the MSG was probably not the best thing that could have happened. You must maintain your self control at all times even if they are not. You have to now realize that the "charges" against your WH might be for something unrelated to his A.

If it were me, I'd assume that his officer CoC is possibly unaware of what is going on.

I am also curious who is trying to force you to sign divorce papers. Flat out THE US MILITARY HAS ZERO, NADA, NO AUTHORITY OVER YOU AS A FAMILY MEMBER. If you were to commit a crime against an American, only the local authorities can prosecute you. The US military can revoke your command sponsorship and no longer allow you access to US facilities thus pressuring you to return to CONUS, but they have no say in your divorce. It sounds to me like you might be being gaslighted by the enlisted CoC.

Please document everything that is happening to you. If all logical actions on your part fail here, you always have the IG and even your Congressional Representative. But, you have to make sure you have exhausted all options with the CoC before you go higher.

Who

Oh WhoMe, You struck a nerve with that one... I'll simply say, I'd wager his MSGT has briefed the CO.

What has the CO is doing with it, if anything, or just volleyed back to the MSGT is a good question.

Have You "cinc" spoken with the CO? Has the chaplain? It needs more heat.

CH,
I think I've asked before...

Have you met directly w/ the CO?

Arrange w/ Ombudsman and Chaplain to do so ASAP!

Pls refer to my previous advice:



CH, I've been a CO and I really get the feeling you've not found a true ally in your CoC, and you NEED one. Do NOT be intimidated! I would have been horrified to learn of such a thing in MY command and would prefer that the wife of the E-1 come see ME, rather than feel lost and abandoned. This is especially true in the overseas environment!

If you are not getting any traction, go to the top, then go above it...and above all, remain cool, calm and collected. Military men do NOT respond well to sobbing puddles of mush - it's one of our character flaws... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If it were me, I wouldn't take that for granted, especially if the CO is young and fairly new to the military. Over the past 31 years, I have seen any number of officers take hits because of things that the senior NCO's are "handling" without briefing the CO. This is especially true with non-duty related personal issues.

The only way to verify what the CoC knows is for CINC or her chaplain or Ombudsman to schedule an appointment with the CO and verify that he/she is in the loop. That will give her a chance to ask him/her directly what, if anything, he/she plans to do.

Ditto... I fully support my NCOs, always have... but if you're not getting the support that you need, then I can almost bet that either the Commander is young and inexperienced, or the NCOs aren't keeping him FULLY informed about the situation...

Listen to Who and L2F... they are both senior officers that have dealt with situations like yours. They know what they're talking about...

Semper Fi,

RIF

The commander has been briefed about the A and is pressing charges. However; I do not like that fact that the affair is still going on. How long does it take for him to be NJP'd or whatever they plan on doing? Now, I am quite sure that he has no idea about the way the enlisted CoC is treating me. I do appreciate that they are trying to get me outta here before Thanksgiving (looking like we are flying outta here Wednesday) but I don't like the way everything is so secretive and how dare I call about 'stupid ******' when I all I had wanted to know was some sort of date b/c I'm not even packed!!! And what about TMO?? I think they are coming AFTER we leave and I don't exactly trust Mr.WH, ya know!!! I need to vent one last time..... I CANNOT BELIEVE THE AFFAIR IS STILL GOING ON EVEN WITH THE COMMANDER PRESSING CHARGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and one more vent.... I'm a SAHM so WH makes all the money and this past month I have not been allowed to pull $ out of the account.... I've done it anyway a time or two only to be yelled at but whatever.... I wasn't even allowed to buy goreceries and trust me, that's a whole 'nother vent.

Hi CinC,

So did YOU brief the commander personally? Is this commander a Company Grade officer or a Field Grade officer?

One of the things that I learned as a young company commander is that when you are about to issue any sort of NJP, that you are not allowed to discuss ANY of the issues or even talk about the case... Who told you that your H was going to receive NJP? Who told you that the CO was pressing charges?

If you didn't PERSONALLY talk with at least a Field Grade officer, then I think that something smells fishy here...

Now, the not allowing you to buy groceries... that's just plain abuse.

Please let us know if you PERSONALLY talked with the CO... it will help with our 'advice'...

Semper Fi,

RIF

No, I have not personally spoken with the CO, when I came to the first shirt the old CO was leaving and a new one was coming in.... Anyways, WH is the one who has told me multiple times about him pressing charges b/c he's not exactly happy about that. I also know from another wife b/c they were going to subpena (I have no idea how that is spelled) her husband for possibly knowing (Tech Sgt) but since they let him PCS I don't believe anything's going to happen with him.... and I don't think he knew anything anyway, he's been in the desert, what could he have known or even done? I was never told by WH's CoC of the charges in fact I was told that my evidence didn't prove anything and that I needed to actually catch them in the act with a video camera..... like that's gonna happen! I was also told to basically turn the other cheek and to leave b/c I can't force somebody to love me and that I needed to sign the divorce papers b/c they looked at it and it sounded perfectly fair to them and I have to do joint custoday it's what's best for DD and that I'm just letting my emotions get in the way of doing what's best for her.

Hi CinC - I'll throw the BS flag out on this... and that's not the "Betrayed Spouse" flag...

You need to take L2F's addvice and go talk to the CO in person... L2F is a senior Navy officer who's been in command... Go back and read his post to you and follow it to the letter.

Your H is blowing smoke at you in order to keep his A going...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Cinc,

Ditto what RIF said. Your WH is a liar, that's what they do and you can't believe anything he is saying. Also the fact that the CO is new increases the chance that no one has told him squat. They are all hoping that you will just go away.

As far as your WH denying you money, you need to take that one to the Officer CoC right now.

You have to understand that they can't stop him from having the affair, they can just make him pay the price for breaking the rules.

Stop listening to these bozos regarding the divorce. Don't sign anything. Once you get back to the states, get yourself a good lawyer and instruct them to stall the divorce as long as possible.

Who

Hey CinC,

Just checking up with you to see how things are going?

Semper Fi,

RIF