Hi all, it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything and my whole life has turned 180 degrees for the worst and hopes and dreams for the future have come crashing down. I was formally logged in under the name ‘NeedToChange’ so to find out what my problems used to be you could look at my posts under that name, nevertheless I believe that while my W has been away for the past 3 ½ months I’ve grown a real love for her, I think she’s so beautiful and I desperately want the marriage to work. Unfortunately she’s come back from her navy deployment and has developed an emotional dependence with another sailor from her ship and she’s having an EA with him and wants to leave me to pursue a relationship with him.

It was very difficult to maintain the marriage while she was away and for me to give her the emotional support she needed. Meanwhile she was having fun touring Asian ports with her ship and going out with all the sailors. We talked about once per week and I tried to send her regular emails, I preferred to send one big one once per week and on her return she told me that she wished I’d sent smaller ones more often.

The two and half years of our marriage before she went on her deployment were difficult for us but still enjoyable. We lived very close lives, did everything together and really didn’t prepare for the future difficulties of separation while on deployment… I had difficulty loving her as much as I should have in those early days and she was the rock for our marriage during those times. Despite that I was doing everything I could to deal with my issues and love her, I was reading books, speaking to chaplains and psychologist, we were exercising heaps and she was dieting and she made great progress and is now a confident, beautiful, strong, young woman. Despite the fact that I was struggling I never could have separated from her because I cared for her feelings to much and I desperately wanted to be happy and have a happy marriage. While she was away, She developed a deep relationship with one of her sailors and poured out her heart and soul about the difficulties that she’d been going through with me as she’d never told anyone else previously. She developed a deep relationship with him and somewhere along the track she decided that she wanted to try a relationship with him and leave me without even trying to make it work, (And she thought that she would return home to the old me that didn’t love her rather than the new one that loves her deeply). This has been the hardest thing to deal with in the entire issue, the fact that I missed her desperately for the last two months before she came back (Initially I was still living with my negative thoughts of the marriage but they soon went away), and all I wanted to do was hold her and build our life together like a married couple should but when she returned I didn’t even get that opportunity. I very quickly found out about the other guy and her feelings for him and every spare moment when I was at work and she wasn’t, she’d be with him doing fun activities. She now says her heart isn’t in the marriage to make it work and she wants to start the relationship with the other guy ‘right’ from the start.

I just feel like my heart has been ripped out and my life and future with her has been torn apart. I tried for one week to send lots of emails using logic and reasoning as to why what she’s doing is a bad idea and she claimed I was emotionally blackmailing her. (which is minor compared to the emotional crippling she was giving me). She feels like she would be lying to herself and robbing herself of greater happiness if she stays with me and she’s been getting awful advice from her boss like we’re still young and have plenty of time to meet other people and don’t have kids to complicate the situation and she’s believing this terrible advice. – What ever happened to honesty, loyalty and commitment to a marriage – she hasn’t even tried to make it work.

So I’ve just been trying to remind her of how much fun we used to have and telling her that I love her and think she’s totally beautiful and just want the opportunity to spend time together and develop the relationship again. It’s just difficult with our current ships programs.
Does our marriage have a chance? What should I do?

YES it has a chance! It has MORE than a chance!


My wife said this, too. On so many occasions she said, "I'm not in love with you anymore. My heart is not in it. The feelings just aren't there."

I felt all was hopeless.

But what is HOPE? I spoke to it in another post to you. Did you read it? Our earthly definition of hope is weak. From a spiritual standpoint, which is the most important standpoint of all, HOPE does not stand on its own as an exclusive concept. HOPE is born from character, and character is born from perseverance. So first and foremost, I IMPLORE you to persevere.

What does that mean? Don't give up. I don't care what she does, or what she says, don't give up. Also, pray to God for the wisdom to be able to distinguish what is TRUTH and what is FALSEHOOD when she talks to you. Huh? Your wife is under a spell right now. She's not telling you the complete truth. Adultery is sinful. She is not proud of it. She will try to justify it a million ways--just as Adam justified eating the forbidden fruit to God. When God asked Adam why he ate from the tree, he essentially said, "..well Eve said it was ok.."

See the parallel between original sin and the cheating spouse's sin? Every cheating spouse attempts to justify their actions just like Adam did to God---- "I want to be happy.." "I deserve better.." "You aren't right for me.." "I met my soulmate.." ".. Eve said it was ok.." All excuses to justify sin.

So in summary, your wife is lying to you, whether you recognize it or not. She is having a sinful affair--no matter what she says. She is infatuated with the other guy. Love is not a feeling or emotion, love is COMMITMENT. Period. She's not in love. She loves you. You are her husband. She's just intoxicated right now. She has what I call "marital amnesia." She doesn't recognize you--- as the one who loves her the most.

Why doesn't she recognize you? Only you know that for sure. I SUSPECT--if you are like most men whose wives ditch them for another (myself included)--you are partly responsible for that? In both Mark 3:27 and Matthew 12:29 we are told, "No man can enter into a strong man's house, and spoil his goods." This is a brutal reality for a lot of men whose wives have left them.

So now you must know when her addiction is talking and when her HEART is talking. With prayer you will learn how. Once you master it, you will find peace. I guarantee you this. It is a form of patience and patience is Godly. Have you ever learned of the Nine Fruits of the Spirit? Galatians 5:22 tells us this:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

You MUST exercise all nine of these fruits when you speak to your wife--every single time.. email, phone, person, etc. Until you do, she will not recognize the Holy Spirit in you. She will instead see the side of you that has probably played a part in her spiritual departure from you. So it is KEY you present yourself in the most loving, patient, kind way possible, no matter what she says or does at this point.

There is another critical reason to conduct yourself in the most loving way possible. God commands us husbands to be the HEAD of our homes. Husband as head? Yes. In 1 Corinthians 11:3 Paul wrote: "But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God." Hence, he commands us men to be LEADERS... not with words, but by LIVING his word with our ACTS.

So pray to God to expose your sins to you. Pray to God he will teach you his ways--and how to communicate with your wife (knowing what to say and when). Pray to God he will give you the ability to determine what is truth and what is love from your wife's lips. Pray to God he will save your wife from sin. And above all else, live the nine fruits every day of your life no matter what your wife is doing so God KNOWS you are serious about your obedience to Him, and so your wife RECOGNIZES the HOLY SPIRIT (unconditional love) in you and is drawn to it.

When you read the scripture below, examine yourSELF. Read it with your wife's eyes and mind and heart, not yours. "Trees" are people in this context. Think of the tree as yourself here.

Matthew 5
"Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits.. Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is .. cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. .."

Let your wife KNOW YOU by your fruits.. the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit.

Whole context...

Kinda puts a new spin on the armor of God, doesn't it?



BTW OWF is suggesting that you didn't have enough faith in God, that is why your wife is wanting to leave.