Hi all, it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything and my whole life has turned 180 degrees for the worst and hopes and dreams for the future have come crashing down. I was formally logged in under the name ‘NeedToChange’ so to find out what my problems used to be you could look at my posts under that name, nevertheless I believe that while my W has been away for the past 3 ½ months I’ve grown a real love for her, I think she’s so beautiful and I desperately want the marriage to work. Unfortunately she’s come back from her navy deployment and has developed an emotional dependence with another sailor from her ship and she’s having an EA with him and wants to leave me to pursue a relationship with him.

It was very difficult to maintain the marriage while she was away and for me to give her the emotional support she needed. Meanwhile she was having fun touring Asian ports with her ship and going out with all the sailors. We talked about once per week and I tried to send her regular emails, I preferred to send one big one once per week and on her return she told me that she wished I’d sent smaller ones more often.

The two and half years of our marriage before she went on her deployment were difficult for us but still enjoyable. We lived very close lives, did everything together and really didn’t prepare for the future difficulties of separation while on deployment… I had difficulty loving her as much as I should have in those early days and she was the rock for our marriage during those times. Despite that I was doing everything I could to deal with my issues and love her, I was reading books, speaking to chaplains and psychologist, we were exercising heaps and she was dieting and she made great progress and is now a confident, beautiful, strong, young woman. Despite the fact that I was struggling I never could have separated from her because I cared for her feelings to much and I desperately wanted to be happy and have a happy marriage. While she was away, She developed a deep relationship with one of her sailors and poured out her heart and soul about the difficulties that she’d been going through with me as she’d never told anyone else previously. She developed a deep relationship with him and somewhere along the track she decided that she wanted to try a relationship with him and leave me without even trying to make it work, (And she thought that she would return home to the old me that didn’t love her rather than the new one that loves her deeply). This has been the hardest thing to deal with in the entire issue, the fact that I missed her desperately for the last two months before she came back (Initially I was still living with my negative thoughts of the marriage but they soon went away), and all I wanted to do was hold her and build our life together like a married couple should but when she returned I didn’t even get that opportunity. I very quickly found out about the other guy and her feelings for him and every spare moment when I was at work and she wasn’t, she’d be with him doing fun activities. She now says her heart isn’t in the marriage to make it work and she wants to start the relationship with the other guy ‘right’ from the start.

I just feel like my heart has been ripped out and my life and future with her has been torn apart. I tried for one week to send lots of emails using logic and reasoning as to why what she’s doing is a bad idea and she claimed I was emotionally blackmailing her. (which is minor compared to the emotional crippling she was giving me). She feels like she would be lying to herself and robbing herself of greater happiness if she stays with me and she’s been getting awful advice from her boss like we’re still young and have plenty of time to meet other people and don’t have kids to complicate the situation and she’s believing this terrible advice. – What ever happened to honesty, loyalty and commitment to a marriage – she hasn’t even tried to make it work.

So I’ve just been trying to remind her of how much fun we used to have and telling her that I love her and think she’s totally beautiful and just want the opportunity to spend time together and develop the relationship again. It’s just difficult with our current ships programs.
Does our marriage have a chance? What should I do?

First off, i am very sorry you are here. I can sense your pain.
I would suggest that you get some individual counseling as i sense a deep seated self esteem issue along with some relationship tools that you certainly should work on. You are only 23, so not having all of those tools is expected and normal...but right now you need them.

First of all, I do not believe that this is only an emotional affair. I would bet the house that they have been and continue to be physical.

I believe that walking away is your best bet right now. No kids and not a lot of marital investment in terms of time. Bottom line, under the best of circumstances, it would be difficult to recover this marriage. Couple that with the logistical issues that confront you...and it seems impossible.

Now, if you insist on trying...which I do not think you should do, I would call the Harley's and discuss this with them. You will need to expose this affair to their CO. You will also need to back off the smothering way you have been communicating with your wife.

Really though...this is an extremely uphill battle given the circumstances. I strongly suggest calling the Harley's to discuss this matter with a professional.