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What CAN BE DONE to COMMUNICATE and EVIDENCE the CAPACITY to MEET this EMOTIONAL NEED during PLAN A???? There ARE other ways to COMMUNICATE and EVIDENCE the CAPACITY to MEET this EMOTIONAL NEED during PLAN A without having unprotected sex... I can think of at least three but I'd rather not list them here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> BTW: No one said a BS is STUPID... I was saying I was in a STUPOR. Big difference. I'm a very intelligent, educated woman myself, but at the time, I was emotionally distraught. I NEEDED guidance (that MB offers) but I didn't have it.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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No one said a BS is STUPID... I was saying I was in a STUPOR. Big difference. I'm a very intelligent, educated woman myself, but at the time, I was emotionally distraught. I NEEDED guidance (that MB offers) but I didn't have it. I'm not stupid either. I am an intelligent woman, am educated and have a career as a professional in the health care field (please don't throw tomatoes now). I was so taken aback S's decision to leave, I was also in a "stupor", in a state of shock. I was here at the time, but most suggestions that were given to me fell on dead ears. I was too self involved to listen. It took me awhile to finally "get it".
FWS (me): 38 (EA in May-June 2007)
FWS (H): 35 (EA from oct 2005 to oct 2007)
DS1: 7
DS2: 3.5
S decided he wanted a separation: October 5th 2007
S moved out: October 12th 2007
S moved back in: November 10th
We are working together, one day at a time, one step at a time to build a love that will last forever. Thanks to MB.
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So, to stay on point, address the issue that I brought up concerning an attractive spouse. What if that is the numebr one need. It was my purpose to start a thread to address the SEXUAL FULFILLMENT EN. I think some GREAT POINTS are being raised about this. I did not want to mix APPLES and ORANGES. The HARLEYS list PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS as a SEPARATE and DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL NEED. I think talking about that could get us off track from talking about SEXUAL FULFILLMENT which, IMO, CANNOT be put off during PLAN A if that is your WS' PRIMARY EN and one is wanting to do an effective PLAN A. I'm speaking in regard to the HARLEY'S VIEWPOINT which I THINK is RIGHT ON TARGET in regards to different EMOTIONAL NEEDS in MARRIAGE.... I'm not interested in talking about PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS in this thread but I do have LOTS that I could say about it and the other ENs....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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PM: There ARE other ways to COMMUNICATE and EVIDENCE the CAPACITY to MEET this EMOTIONAL NEED during PLAN A without having unprotected sex... I can think of at least three but I'd rather not list them here. Can't you at least HINT? I think your ideas would BE HELPFUL for those STRUGGLING with this....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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That answer is a cop out Mimi. It doesn't matter what the EN is. If it is the top EN for a person...it is important.
Dr. Harley has failed to address this issue regarding SF and that is a major flaw in his program. Any doctor would tell you that failing to provide for safety in SF is a major mistake.
SF should not be done unless it can be done safely. Your failure to come out and agree with this is in effect advocating irresponsible behavior on the part of the BS. SF CAN AND SHOULD be put off until it can be done safely.
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My intitial post was talking to what Mimi has been trying to ferret out of you guys all along.
Now, BESIDES INTERCOURSE, what ways are there to fulfill the SF need? No need to get raunchy, but be specific.
Answers, please....
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Also, without knowing the partner, and without STD testing, CONDOMS should be used, just as in any other relationship, whether it be dating or likewise.
If we were to be TOTALLY honest, I, personally, know oodles of people who do not get tested, or have their partner tested, or compare testing notes, but do have sex with condoms.
USE CONDOMS. If they won't, then no sex for them.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Now, BESIDES INTERCOURSE, what ways are there to fulfill the SF need? No need to get raunchy, but be specific.
Answers, please.... THAT'S IT!! THANK-YOU VERY MUCH!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I'll bite. How about seductively LICKING LIPS??? How about DRESSING AND UNDRESSING without inhibition?? How about PHONE YOU KNOW WHAT?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Post deleted by princessmeggy
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Come on people...are we that ridiculous that we need to discuss things we can do to have safe relations?
Oral sex and intercourse are off limits. Any other touching so long as it does not involve the exchange of bodily fluids is okay.
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Oh come on MEDC. Where's the romance? LOL
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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But it CAN'T be JUST about the PHYSICAL ACT...
It has to FULFILL the EMOTIONAL NEED associated with SEXUAL FULFILLMENT..the ELEMENT of DESIRE...ROMANCE...EVIDENCING LOVE...
Of course, we know about the ACT..
That's what I've been getting at...
IT WAS NOT JUST ABOUT THE PHYSICAL ACT...and it is NOT JUST ABOUT THE PHYSICAL ACT or PHYSICAL NEED...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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at home with our partners where it should be! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Sorry, but what's next...Goddess talk about what oil allows for the best happy ending massage?
This is a smoke screen regarding the seriousness of this issue.
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Oh come on MEDC. Where's the romance? LOL EXACTLY.....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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This is a smoke screen regarding the seriousness of this issue. Huh?? I think it's already been established as you so bluntly put it. Unprotected sex is out. Oral or otherwise. AGREED. So who's smoke screening what?? I don't get what your issue is now. You don't want to hear anyone talk about ways to meet the SF EN while a spouse is wayward? Or is your issue that Dr. Harley doesn't address this for Plan A? Help us out here.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I think SL wins the PRIZE.
It seems that NECKING, mostly HUGGING and KISSING, stopping just short..with CANDLES BURNING..soft music playing in the background would be IDEAL...
BUT...stopping..is the issue...
That might be JUST PERFECT though: "YOU COULD HAVE EVEN MORE OF THIS IF YOU ENDED YOUR AFFAIR"...hmmmm...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Dr Harley doesn't specifically address a lot of things. We need common sense and to follow his guiding principles.
MEDC - seeing you are so bound up out of shape about Dr Harley not addressing this, why don't you call him up and ask him on his radio program for free?
I have never heard him advocate unsafe sex. He doesn't specifically address it. I think he assumes we are intelligent enough people to work it out for ourselves.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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PM...Is it really necessary for people here to discuss sexual things that partners can do together instead of intercourse or oral sex?
I would suggest that before the conversation get too graphic, it gets taken elsewhere. I also have NOT heard Mimi acknowledge that it is irresponsible to have sex (oral or intercourse) with a WS.
So, my issue is...use your imagination. We all have one. Buy a book...ASK you WH/WW what they would like...work off of experience...but we don't need to have discussions on here about licking lips...soaping up body parts...etc. This is a mixed group and non married men and women should NOT be having these discussions...especially considering some of the people here are KNOWN to have boundary issues.
Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 11/15/07 04:08 PM.
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BK...he DOES advocate meeting the EN and based upon what I have read from other sites a doctor should be pretty aware that people are not in their best frame of mind after learning of an affair.
But I will take you up on that suggestion. But I will do it in an email to the good doctor...so that I can copy his response.
I think MB is the best advice available...but in this one area..in comparison to his peers, the good doctor appears to have dropped the ball.
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