Met this girl online was very casual and as time went by we became closer and then eventually in love. Well she is married and unhappy. Herhusband is abusive both phyically and mentally. They have been married awhile and to my understanding just exist. Well we met not once but 4 times and it was in the open. We communicate mostly by phone and email. We have talked plans and divorce and all this stuff and she also has children. But she seems to back down out of fear she says. She has done other things which make me question whether she is serious or I m just a simple way to a bad problem. She tells me to be patient but then she runs to his side and even has sex. This is after she has told me she is disgusted . I told her about this forum and inquire thru questions advice on what to do in her situation and she has not. I am pondering to end this before I become hurt. what do youy think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

No one has any advice for me.

I think anyone here would tell you to stay away from her, far away. You are engaging in an emotional affair with a married woman, which makes you the "Other Man". If she needs help getting out of an abusive marriage, you can direct her to organizations designed to help women in such situations. But if she cheats on her H with you, she could cheat on you if you two ended up together.

Uh, that would be because you are having an affair with a married woman?

Do you think what you are doing is right? Then guess what? If she'll do it with him, she'll do it with you.

Walk away before you ruin her marriage and your own life. You can do better, with a woman who doesn't cheat. And hopefully, you won't either.

Wow! A question that I can answer in just a few words...

What they said...

Mark

An affair we never had sex. we have met and talked about her unhappiness and ways she can resolve a bad relationship. his is a man and I am basing it on her info surfs the web for porn with kids in the house, uses drugs on a daily basis, etc.. This was null and void way before I came into the picture. Talking about a very bad relationship and convincing her to run quickly where I am more stable. but I see what u mean.

And that I have I have contacted my lawyer and he gave me everything for grounds for divorce to custody of kids. She appeared crying for help( but is she) thats what I am asking here. If a relationship is that bad why would you not seek help. She claims fear but is on the PC much of the time. Am I being had. Yes we met and talked and have much in common. They supposedly seperated last year because she cheated on him and yes it crosses my mind she will do the same.

That sounds reasonable. I am with her basically like I am doing here. I understand she is married and we have not cheated, we met for like 1 hour at the most. In a court of law infedlity has not occures I have not nor has she be involved other than discussing her options,but we did fall in love. I have tried to have her post here and seek help or at least inquire with someone who been thru the same. Her parents know about us talking and basically said u have to tie up your affairs here before u go there. I think I expect her to run instantly to a lawyer and get divorced. My impatience is what is getting me frustrated.I am in a does she or is she mode.

ubatz,

Here is a link I would like you to check out. When you answer the questions try to see if you can also answer them as if you were her and see if ti doesn't point you toward an answer to your questions.

There are different types of infidelity just as there are different types of marriages. Many marriages have ended because of what around here is called and emotional affair or EA. The problem with an EA is that the same dynamic that takes place in a physical affair (PA) occurs in the EA. That is a withdrawal from the marriage or primary relationship in order to get the feelings associated with the affair partner. This causes the wayward spouse (WS) to attempt to justify what they are doing by shifting blame to the betrayed spouse (BS).

The net result is that while the WS is building feelings for this affair partner (AP), they are also purposefully quenching their feelings for the BS by only bringing up the short comings of the BS while at the same time only listing the good things, based entirely on feelings, about the AP.

A chemical reaction happens in the brain that causes the WS to seek the interaction with the AP that is exactly the same chemical that is released in the brain of a drug addict. The WS actually becomes addicted to the feelings generated by the AP and like a crack addict, will do or say anything in order to get the next fix. This is why even an EA can be so hard to break.

So here are two links for you. One from this site and one from the site of the late Dr Shirley Glass.

What Is An Affair: By Steve Harley

Has Your Friendship Gone Too Far?

I'd also suggest that you read Dr Harley's Basic concepts if you haven't already done so.

Basic Concepts

In the Basic Concepts you will see how what you are engaging in with this other woman could be something to be avoided simply because it is wrong, not that the feelings you have for each other are not valid, only that those feelings are fleeting things and are not something magical that has to be pursued to fulfill some destiny. What I'm saying is that though she might be "one" she doesn't have to be "the one" since there can be more than one...

Mark

well thanks for the info.

I would also add that if you truly love her, you have to step back and let her get her affairs (sorry) in order, as her parents said. Being involved with her - in any form - at this point is an affair, and you are a marriage breaker for participating. Not trying to bash you, just trying to get you to see that it is an unhealthy arrangement, no matter how you feel, until she has severed ties with her husband.

Also want to add, food for thought, that you are AT LEAST Affair #2 for her.

She goes into abusive dysfunctional relationships and she solves it by choosing destructive solutions. What makes you think your time together would be any more productive, correct, or safe?

Sorry if that wasn't what you wanted to hear...

Mark

no it answered my questions, I am a busy man anyway.validates what I thought Mark. Some roads lead east some roads lead west others lead people home MY Road leads me forward. good Luck

Well I plan on ending it tonight. As it started it shall end. I really don't have time for a relationship anyway. My work brings me all over but I appreciate the wisdom. Thanks

I meant to add that you meeting her and wanting to help her says a lot about you. You're a nice person. Nice people have nice things happen to them. You'll find someone who's in a good position and has good things to offer you. Good luck.

Thank you for your kind comments. I won't be posting for awhile as I go back to work in a few days. My employment is very transient so I really don't meet to many people but I appeciate your advice.

Best of luck to you. You deserve better any way.


Mark

Thanks again Mark. This was frustrating at has been put to rest. My mind is eased and I go back to work in a few with a clear conscience.

I second that. You deserve someone good and upstanding and well-meaning, like you. If you are still reading here and get a chance, sometime check out the basic concepts here if you haven't already. You deserve someone who will value the marriage commitment, value intimacy and honesty with their marriage partner, and value protecting the marriage rather than putting it at risk.

I have checked out the basics and yes one day I will find a significant other. Thank you Jayne