I'm not a vet around here, and don't really have any advice for you...

But just wanted to let you know you are not alone...

I am also dealing with double infidelity.... I understand the issues you are going through-- especially in terms of exposure. Its hard to expose when you feel you aren't innocent either and that exposure in the opposite direction will happen in retaliation (like you, my A is also long over, OM does not work with me, and I am in NC).

I will keep you in my thoughts...

TT

TeaTea thanks. Any commments on my letter? What were your thoughts when you read it?

Did you expose? It makes it so much more difficult when they can retaliate with that excuse....

SGL,

Is this the letter you intend on sending to the company you both work for?

LA

I did not expose... as far as I know (and I've been snooping) H is not in a current, active affair-- but he also does not want to re-commit to the M right now, and gives me a lot of babble that sounds a lot like WS babble (ILYBINILWY, etc etc). He still excuses his with mine though. I did not know of this site when I found out about his A.... so I sort of just flew by the seat of my pants (and made several mistakes along the way).

His parents strongly suspect my A... but do not know of his, which makes my situation hard (because in their eyes, its all my fault). My parents know of BOTH. At the time, I guess I felt like if I exposed to his parents, he would just retaliate and tell them about me. I guess that is why I kept my mouth shut... in hind sight, I'm really NOT SURE if that was a good idea-- because they really don't even SUSPECT his, but know of mine-- so they really pin everything on me. At least if I would have came clean, it wouldn't be "all my fault" at this point... ya know? And exposing at this point, when his is over (as far as I know), would just be retaliation on my part, so this is what I have to live with...

I think that I'm still on the side of exposing in your case though. Admit your mistakes, don't downplay them. You also have the fact that yours did not progress to a PA (right?).

Good luck, and keep us updated.
TT

TT - correct... mine is long over, yet she still brings it up every single time as the reason for her A. I know thats not entirely true, but may as well give up trying to convince her of that. Mine did NOT progress to a PA... but that apparently matters little to her, which may or may not be another excuse.

Thank you so much for your thoughts, cuz this very hour I am struglling with whether or not to expose to her father... before she exposes ME to him, then I am in the same situation you are. i am fully prepared to expose BOTH to my family. Scared as ******... but I have to do that. STill struggling with whether to expose to her dad??? Gulp... I read WAT's thread on "Exposing to the OP's family" Which was excellent, but as many people against it as for it.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I don't have any idea what the ****** is best to do.....

I think you should expose both yours and hers if you want to save your marriage. Honestly, I thought the whole exposure thing was extreme when I first saw it. Now that I've done it, I realize it was the ONLY way out for us.

I think exposure sometimes is a sticky situation-- in terms of exposing to your W's family. It really depends on her family, and how you think they will react-- and that's not something anyone here can tell you.

I fully believe that you should expose to OP's H if there is one (I think you said he's single though?? Although I could be getting threads mixed up). Only because he DESERVES to know. From there-- everyone else that you would tell would be for the purpose of breaking up the A-- not because they "deserve" to know. So-- if you think that it would help break up the A to expose to her family, then do so. If you think for whatever reason they may side with her (which I can't tell you without knowing them)-- I'd be more inclined to keep my trap shut (which is the main reason I did-- my H's family are the kinda family that thinks that their children can do no wrong-- even when it is pretty clear that they have-- they only make excuses for their children and try to cover up their mistakes).

So, if there's a spouse involved in this that doesn't know, EXPOSE! That helps your case AND they DO deserve to know. In terms of exposing to family... it really depends on how they'd react, and your relationship with them whether or not it is "worth" it. If it will help break up the A-- if they are not going to jump on the "excuse" bandwagon with her-- then expose. If they are going to jump on her excuse bandwagon, I would let it go because then that's just adding more people that "agree" with her to her arsenal (including that crappy counselor).

And her excuse sucks, BTW. H gives me the same one, *yuk*. It makes her NO BETTER (if not worse) than you. (But don't say that... or at least not in those words... that is not very "plan A"!).

TT

Not sure if this is the right decision or not... but after re-reading WAT's thread on "Exposing to the OP's family", and TT's excellent thoughts, I am not going to expose to her father, at least right now. Exposure of any kind will definitely be a major LB, even though a calculated LB, and in the case of her father, I think the risk of harm is too great compared to the chance that he may support me. I only wish there was a better way to tell.

BTW, the OP does not have a spouse and I can't locate even his ex-wife... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />