I posted in another forum with no response so I'll try here. Does anybody have experience with their OP attending a family event? My DS announced he is getting married next spring and wants to invite STBX and OW (who are living together). I am not ready for this and to be honest, I don't forsee a time in history when I will be. After all, my entire extended family will be in attendence at this. She has already destroyed my immediate family and home. She is nothing to me or any of my relatives except for an evil homewrecking **** that destroyed the life of a total stranger (me). Though my family could probably muster up the effort to avoid being outright rude to STBX since he does have a right to watch his DS marry, it's a little bit much to expect them to extend OW the same courtesy. Heck, I couldn't even bring myself to ask!

I'm completely torn about this. I've explained the above to DS. I haven't said yet that I won't go if she does, though it is how I feel. If he doesn't do anything about it, I will eventually speak to STBX, but I don't expect that to get me very far.

Has anyone else experienced or faced this problem? Maybe not a wedding but a funeral, graduation, christening or whatever where you and WS are expected to be present and WS brought (or threatened to bring) the OP?

Note: I am pretty well on my way to personal healing. I am not pursuing to rebuild my M and have in fact begun seeing other people. This does not mean that I'm any less immune to further pain inflicted by OW and STBX.

I can imagine that will be an incredibly hurtful experience to you. Does the rest of your family know about your DS's plans? If you are sure that they are not in approval of the OW's presence, I suggest that you make certain that your DS knows about this as well as your personal feelings on the matter. I would think that if he really thought about it, the last thing he would want to do is to deliberately create an uncomfortable situation at his own wedding.

Hi Tabby,

I have thought about this a lot too.

I understand that my XWW Wayzilla and OM Gollum are still very much together and in spite of the conventional wisdom here that affairs end, they may be for some time.

I think about the day (hopefully many years from now) that DD19.920 gets married. Also my XFIL is in very poor health and in truth I expect any day could bring the news to DD that he has had an event and passed.

In that event, I am sure Gollum would now be among the family mourners in my stead. But to support my daughter in her grief (which I expect to be considerable) and to honor a man who was like a father to me for over 25 years I will be there. I will stay out of their way and will not impose myself on them in any way.

When the day comes my daughter marries and if Wayzilla and Gollum are together still, I will try to abide by whatever DD’s wishes are and “gut it out” no matter how I feel at that time. This will by no means be easy, but I will not make events like these about me.

Affairs suck.

If you don't mind, I am going to repeat this to myself 20 times a day until the event. At the bare minimum, it might help me to control inappropriate knee-jerk reactions.

Tabby1 -
My husband and I divorced in 2003 and all 3 of my children were married within 3 months in 2005 - my x and the ow were at all 3. That was really the first time I had seen them together as a couple and even though I have a wonderful man in my life that was with me, the first one was really hard to deal with. But for the sake of my son I dealt with it. And you know - I survived - even when he danced with her. My ex never once danced with me - he didn't dance he told me. So we were married 25 years and not one dance and within 2 years of being with her they danced. And now they are married. I actually had my grandaughter's birthday party at my house and invited them. It does get easier. I am sure he was more uncomfortable then I was. LOL.

Yes it will be hard and awful but you can do this for your son.
(tabby1)

No kidding Tabby! The operative words are “it won’t be easy”.

I really don’t envy you this.

Wow, now if my big sis goes to DD’s future wedding with Wayzilla in attendance they better have a metal detector at the chapel door. That could get ugly.


Right into Gollum's family jewels! Probably a small target so it may take 2-3 inappropriate knee-jerk reactions. And a 3-wood driver!

Happyfinally, how did the rest of your family react? I'm talking about parents, siblings,aunts, uncles, cousins etc. Did they know that she was THE OW?

Yes they knew - at least my siblings knew - not sure about aunts, uncles etc. - they just pretty much ignored him. Some of my brothers talked to him but the weddings were large enough that they could be on other sides of the rooms. I did warn my family ahead of time that he would be there and asked them to please behave. I said I didn't care if they talked to him but not to do anything that would make my son uncomfortable.
I got a few comments from my siblings afterwards but during the weddings they were really good. my one sister actually came up to me during the wedding and said - wow he learned how to dance and we laughed about it. I do know how hard these things can be.

Tabby,

OK, If I missed seeing this, please forgive. You indicated that DS wanted to invite you STBXH who is not his father and the current OW to his wedding.

Well, seems incredible to me that he would be so indifferent to your feelings, but that said, generally wedding invitations to single or separated persons are addressed to them with the option of bringing a guest.

Perhaps your STBXH will show some discretion and not bring the OW to the wedding. Or, and this is a stretch, the OW will opt to not attend an event that could tend to be very awkward for many attendees if she shows up.

You might want to at least attempt to discuss this with your DS, since he is young and may not be able to see this as a potential "issue" at his and his brides wedding.

Who

WhoMe, my STBX is DS's father in all ways except biological (first XH abandoned him). He has every right to be at this wedding. In fact, I would be upset with him if he didn't show up. The "current OW" is THE OW that he cheated on me with and left me for. Would he be so indifferent to my feeling? For sure - he has already brought the bimbo to my baseball games. There, she showed some level of humility and stayed up on the hill away from the diamonds (it was pretty funny to see the 2 of them on their cell phones when they were close enough to shout to each other!). However, she is as dumb as soup so I can't count on an insecurity she may have facing people who will have no reason to like her and every reason to hate her. Most of my relatives are pretty civil but there are one or 2 loose cannons.

I will continue to discuss this with DS and perhaps even his bride-to-be.

Tabby,

I can understand completely why your DS would want your STBXH at his wedding. My FWH has been father to both my DD's far more than my XH ever was.

However ...

It is inappropriate for your DS and the brides family to extend an invitation that specifically includes the OW just because because she and your STBXH are shacking up.

Now if before the wedding takes place your D becomes final and your STBXH becomes your XH, and marries the Ho, then although awkward, it would be inappropriate not to include her.

Frankly, I wouldn't expect your DS at 19 to understand this, but sure would think the brides parents should.

Who

That's not likely to happen. They have booked a hall for April 26. Our official separation date is April 27. Law here is you must be separated for at least a year to get a D. He has already submitted the paperwork so I expect to be divorced the first business day after the wedding.

Then again, should anything happen to change the date then it could be a possibility. There are a whole variety of issues surrounding this - not the least of which is their age and the fact that they are both still in college - so it's not impossible.