I am unsure if this is correct but as an update and further questions...
I confronted my H two nights ago. He ranted fought, defended himself, acted like I was distorting things- especially around her... saying things like "I wasn't defending her or backing her up- you were just in the wrong" (and I'm all - what???!!! whatever dude...)
Anyway - prayed long and hard before talking to him so I wouldn't get sideblasted- and stayed on track- refused to budge off what I was saying and it was like peeling layers off- I don't know how else to describe it. He went from angry defensive to contemplative and sort of shocked, to crying.
He said there was nothing physical, but I think he was definitely realizing the emotional part - which seemed to surprise him the most in the end of the conversation-

I stayed on track and kept to if this marriage is to be saved and move forward, then....

My husband is chemically dependant in recovery- has been clean and sober for 16 years- and now I found out he hasn't been to meetings in a long time. He made the statement, "I don't need meetings anymore- I've been clean long enough" Hello -big flag -the wagon is about to tip.

This is the point things started to get better - his eyes got clearer and clearer (even though they were teary)- I could see it.

So now we came to an agreement for moving forward. I made it clear since I will never know for sure to what degree the "A" went- it doesn't matter at this point, I will move forward with him if he will do the following:

1. BE HONEST, no lies going forward. No matter how angry I may get about things- it's better than the alternative at this point, which is good bye.
2. Meetings MUST be attended regularly (not ones SHE is at)-and I will go once in awhile with him and keep in touch with friends that also go so I stay aware.
3. Their "friendship" is DONE. OVER. No going back for any reason- if her life shatters - whatever, she can find someone else for support- this is also a huge deal breaker for me.
4. No hanging around single women alone anymore- I just don't feel trust at this point and it is not necessary. I don't do it- why should he?!
5. If at any point it seems like things are slipping we will be seeing a marriage counselor.

My sweet sister bought me the book about "surviving an affair"... so I will be reading a lot.

He is staying around the house a lot and being extremely attentive and loving- which is weird...
so I asked him about it and he said he just realized he wasn't being there for me and does not want to lose me or our marriage. It's hard not to feel weirded out about it, like when you see guys buy flowers because they did something bad, or like saying sorry because someone told you to.
So my biggest question now is-

Is this normal and do I just keep walking through it?
Thanks for all the support here- this site is truly a blessing...

I'd suggest a few more boundaries for you to consider ... most will tell you they are absolute MUSTS.

A NC letter written by WH and approved by you ... make it 100% clear to OW there is to be no contact whatsoever.

100% transparency ... if he hasn't already, all email passwords, accounts, computers, cell phones, etc. should be in the open and you should feel free to check in on at any time.

It's probably normal to be wierded out by seemingly affectionate behaviour ... it could be sincere or not ... hard to say. Perhaps you got lucky and nipped this before it went too far and he "snapped out of it" ... or he could be trying to blow smoke you know where.

I'd say take the good part of this behaviour and work on a plan to restore your M and shield it from further A's. Be happy he's around and attentive but stay alert to and aware of the boundaries you agreed to.

Yes, absolutely, the No Contact letter is MUST DO.

An Emotional Affair is just as dangerous if not more so than a Physical Affair.

There are tools here on MB to strengthen and affair proof your marriage. Familiarize yourself with the site. Good luck!