Mimi,

I didn't call him, I emailed him about it. I told him that he was my son's favorite player and was taking it hard. The last time I called him to talk to him about our children, he didnt' call me back. Losing this player is really sad to me and I didn't want to put myself in a position to really get hurt over something that is so important to me knowing the WH exists and wouldn't have given a crap about my pain. If in Plan A, was that a lost opportunity? What could I have said?

When I got on the computer tonight, he was logged on and didn't say anything at all, just logged off. It's so typical of him now, but man.

He didn't acknowledge my email one bit, but he did email my son and say "Yes it is sad", and then another email saying "I knew he was your favorite player".

I was just sitting here thinking about that. My HUSBAND just isn't in there anymore. My HUSBAND KNOWS how hard I would be taking this and for him not to even say one word just reinforces what a MONSTER he is. It still hurts knowing that this PERSON who lives inside the body is cold, selfish and downright something.

Mimi, for some reason this seems like a sign that he is so far gone, that his affair really wont' last and when he wakes up one day, he will be mortified at what he has done. Am I stupid to think this?

Also, did you get a chance to see my posting about the events that I ran into today about OW and her demands, etc? What do you think about those, or in the bigger picture it really doesn't matter.

I have to say, when I was driving home from my 2nd job tonight, it dawned on me, that OW may have the body, but she doesn't have MY HUSBAND, b/c he doesn't exist. She has a monster that quite frankly I can't stand and wouldn't want.

It still hurts so bad though.

JT - It was sunny. I hear we might get snow, but no luck. Remember, last year was the big ice storm at this time. When I was oblivious to what hubby was doing and living a lie.

How I wish I could go back.

SG

SG,

I remember this exact feeling. I remember staring straight at him in our home one day when he was picking up the kids. He stood about 3 feet from me. I was staring at his profile while he talked to one of the kids. At that moment he even LOOKED different. I stood their staring (he didn't even notice), thinking to myself, "Who is this man in front of me. It sure as he(( is not my H. WHERE HAS HE GONE?!"


I'm not Mimi, but I want to tell you that you are NOT stupid to think this. He WILL be mortified...and devastated, and overwhelmed with guilt AND GRIEF. But the waiting is almost unbearable at times for us BS. My H returned from the mothership 6 months after D-day. I expected 10 years. I really did. It took his mom decades to reach that point and his father is happily remarried and thinks it all worked out for the best. I expected my H to follow the example that had been set. God had different plans. What we cannot predict is God's timing. Just follow the plans and let God do the rest. Who knows what he has in store for you. This is the verse I would cling to: "I know the plans I have for you, not to harm you but to prosper you."


I remember feeling this, too. But going back would mean facing this all over again. Hang in there. You will get through this.


"He heals the broken heartede and binds up their wounds."

I'm sorry that I'm not being clear enough to you. This is hard to do. I KNOW. Remember that PLAN A is all about YOU, becoming the BEST PERSON that YOU CAN BE. It is not ATTRACTIVE to be NEEDY of him or to give any inclination that you are begging and pleading for him to care. I was thinking in terms of A CONVERSATION with him. CONVERSATION is one of the ENs. PLAN A is SIMPLE NOT EASY. When I say SIMPLE, I mean that it's about using any occasion that you can to convey your ABILITY to MEET HIS NEEDS. So I was thinking that the football player is something that you have in common that you two could discuss. E-mailing, IMO, does not have the same APPEAL as the HUMAN VOICE, even on VOICEMAIL. I call my H sometimes and leave messages when I KNOW that he will be unable to pick up. He LOVES some of these MESSAGES. "Was just thinking of you and wanted to say HI", etc.

In order to do this PLAN A, for a bit, we are going to have to help boost your confidence level. Most importantly, you are going to have to work on that confidence level.



Isn't this acknowledging your E-mail? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />



ACCEPTANCE of this is the KEY. Stop thinking and DO SOMETHING. I hope this doesn't sound harsh but belaboring this obvious point is NOT HELPFUL, IMO. I came to the place of ACCEPTANCE..just like I had to ACCEPT that my loved ones are DEAD AND GONE. But your H is still alive and has the possibility of returning IF you just don't sit there and THINK. Understand what I mean?

Yes...when and if he wakes up, he will be mortified. I see that PAIN on my H's face about it almost daily..when there are triggers..in the news..or TV shows, etc....



What matters is WHAT YOU DO...THEY are gonna be doing some CRAZY STUFF..it's a SICK RELATIONSHIP..you need to ACCEPT that and really don't need to hear or learn much about it..THEY will BREAK UP TO MAKE UP..OVERINDULGE..do all sorts of stuff that EVILDOERS engage in...

It's important for YOU to come up with YOUR PLAN of action...that's about YOU..not want YOU want from him...

I just saw this.

Let's change this thinking.

Going back would put you in that same old relationship which was OPEN to the AFFAIR.

And in REALITY it is NOT gonna happen. You cannot go back.


YOU HAVE TODAY. YOU HAVE THIS MOMENT. Your GOAL is to focus on TODAY. What can YOU DO TODAY? Your goal is to become PRESENT-FOCUSED. Sounds morbid but TOMORROW is not promised for any of us.

In terms of your relationship for the FUTURE, YOUR HOPE is for a BETTER one than you had before......that's a long ways off..cause remember WHEN AND IF your H returns, he will be BROKEN and then there's that LOOOOONG RECOVERY ROAD...

YOU have got to begin to work on YOU to get prepared for all of the ABOVE...

Ok.. I haven't had a lot to add to this post other than to thank many people for the wonderful advice they are giving. I'm seeking many of the same answers myself and wanted Mimi to know just how grateful I am to have her posting around her.

This is great advice.. stuff I need to take to heart.

SG.. keep your chin up girl. You're going to make it through this. I know the daily chaos is not easy for you, and I know you trigger very easily based on what you believe your WH -should- be doing rather than focusing on what IS.. and what is within your sphere of control. I have the same problem.

The only way to find peace is to let go of what you cannot control. We cannot see the other side of the mountain.. if we trust God to be working in the lives of our waywards, does it make -any- sense at all to be trying to look over His shoulder? Checking His work? You think you can do it better than Him?

The answer is no.. if God is who we put our faith in, then we need to put our faith in Him completely to do His work.

I'm starting to think of it like this... in Sirach it goes on about how a good wife is the blessing of a godly man (and obviously the reverse is true as well).. Speaking in terms of my sitch, my wife is -not- a good wife. But God alone has the power to show her the things in her life, and ways that she -can- become a good wife. God is faithful.. He will persist even when she chooses not to see. God is slow to anger, but wrath is his alone. Some waywards will not break until their lives are broken first.. and for a wayward to change a breakdown must occur. God is slow to anger.. it takes time. We also must be patient and trust that God is doing the work that needs to be done.

To have our waywards return prematurely would only result in false recoveries and harm to us and our emotional well-being. I don't believe God would want that for either of us.

God tells us to 'Wait for the LORD'.. and so that is what we should do.. but He also tells us that our desire should not be on worldly needs (like our spouses) but to walk closer with Him.. and in that walking closer with Him, we will be blessed with His comfort, and His love, and ultimately a 'good spouse'.. whether it is our WS or another, it will be the spouse God has taken us to this point in our lives to find.

Faith my dear friend.

Sexy,

I have read your story and posts and I am so excited for you. Thank you for your support, and please keep it coming.

Mimi,

You have my permission to hit me with a 2 X 4 or whatever else you need to get me to understand what it is I am involved in. I woke up this morning in a weird place. At first, I was thinking I was so far from G-d, but then in my morning prayers I realized that I am actually at a place of peace. I can't even imagine this being possible. Maybe the ACCEPTANCE has hit me. At least for TODAY.

Please know I NEED to learn how to be the very best Plan A I can be. I am a STUDENT and desire to learn, no matter how hard it is for me to accept or understand what you are telling me. So, please don't hold back. There is no space in my world for being nice to me or holding back because of my ego or any hurt feelings that I might get. This is about me becoming the VERY BEST person I can be for G-d.

I know this may seem STUPID, but HOW do I work on my confidence level. What am I missing, because I clearly am.

How do I begin to have my PLAN for TODAY. How did you begin to recognize when you were just FOCUSED on today? Did you write things down, talk to yourself? Does this mean forget about what WH and OW are doing and just live my life?

I need help DEFINING what my plan of action is. Can you please give me more help in this. I'm sorry to be so slow on this one.

Your right, he did acknowledge my email. I REALLY need to learn to recognize when I AM working MY PLAN and when I am NOT, so I can self adjust myself.

Is this what you are trying to get me to SEE?

Jamesus,

You are always a step ahead of me. For JUST TODAY, I am really understanding that what is going on over there is completely out of my control and in essence part of G-ds PLAN. I can't worry about what they are DOING, because I have so much WORK to do for myself and I have to just concentrate on myself.

I need to STOP trying to play G-d or be G-d.

Am I on the right track, everyone?

SG

Today, I feel like I have the JOY for life that I haven't had in a long time. I have only been EXISTING and WAITING for him to come HOME.

I can't do that, can I. I have to LIVE and FEEL ALIVE, or I might as well just DIE then.

Is part of ACCEPTANCE feeling alive?

Mimi,

So if conversation is an EN, what are some ways that I could incorporate a phone call into his life every so often?

Would wishing him a Happy Hanukkah be one way? Telling him I was just thinking about him and hoping he has a nice day?

Is that what you mean?

SG

Or more to the point, maybe I need to STOP fixating on him and LIVE MY LIFE.

SG

SG:

This is what you have to BELIEVE and keep telling yourself to boost your confidence level.

HEAD UP..CHEST OUT: "I am his wife. God put us together and wants us to be together. With God holding me and guiding me, I can do whatever I can do to fight the forces of EVIL that are trying to keep us apart and when I have done all that I can possibly do, I will turn this over to GOD." THIS IS WHAT I WOULD TELL MYSELF.

That's the KEY, SG. YOU ARE HIS WIFE!! You know HIM. You know what HE LIKES. You know deep down inside what you need to do. I can't tell you EXACTLY what to do to meet YOUR HUSBAND'S NEEDS. YOU..ONLY YOU..KNOW HIM better than anyone else. Whatever attracted him to YOU in the past, will be attractive to HIM now. This is what STEVE HARLEY asked of me. "When you were courting way back then, what did you do to ATTRACT HIM?" Steve was EXACTLY right. It's the SAME. Your H wants YOU back. You know how to cook the food he likes. You know what he likes to talk about. You have HIS HISTORY...

Call him and even if his VOICEMAIL answers. LEAVE A MESSAGE and in your sweetest, most UPLIFTING VOICE, feeling GREAT like you today, tell him what YOU THINK he would LIKE to hear you say TODAY!!!

By all means, begin to FOCUS ON YOU, developing and improving YOURSELF..but you also need to TAKE ACTION in PLAN A....

Sadly, I never courted him. He ALWAYS courted me.

I KNEW my HUBBY, not this WS. My HUBBY needs to feel like the most important person in my life, the center of my world, through spending time with him and appreciating him all the time.

I could call him and INVITE him to go on a walk with me to talk about the kids and what I am doing to raise him, get his opinion and input?

Tuesday, I can drive down to work and bring him warm latkes for Hannukah?

Is this what you mean? I have to admit, I am struggling with his, sorry. I KNOW what makes my HUBBY happy. I just don't know how to do it when he isn't at home. What am I missing here?

SG

Sorry. I don't buy this, SG. So you were only A TAKER. What did you GIVE in the relationship.



That's who you want to APPEAL to..not the WS...SHE HAS THE WS...



First CALL HIM..and if he does agree to go on a walk, DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE KIDS..you and him..COURTSHIP..you being HIS WOMAN..not the MOTHER OF HIS KIDS...don't allow yourself to be stuck only to THAT ROLE...that's a real trigger for me.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />



So tell me some more about THIS COURTSHIP that you didn't participate in...he wasn't LIVING AT HOME when you first got together...

Why did he do ALL OF THIS COURTING of you??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

What ATTRACTED him TO YOU????

HINT! HINT! He wants to be NUMBER ONE in your life..NOT YOUR SON, BTW....

Mimi,

Yes, first and foremost my HUBBY NEEDS to be number one. That is absolutely the foundation of what I have to figure out how to create.

He loved me way MORE than I loved him. I just settled for him because I didn't THINK anyone else would want me. That and the fact that he had GREAT DRUGS. Our life at that time was just DRUGS and we built our relationship around that.

I wasn't in love him when I married him. I NEVER made him feel like he was Number One. I have no idea why he loved me. Our LIVE was DRUGS and we just got married.

The two of us have had NO other relationship than each other until this OW. I think he has just as a low self esteem as me and didn't know any difference or want to keep looking.

I think if I had to pick what attracted him to me was my love of life and adventure, but I really DON'T know.

I will say - he fought his parents to be with me because I was Jewish and they hated that. He loved me deeply once, but I don't know why.

Am I giving you the information you need?

SG

Mimi,

I should just call him out of the blue and invite him to walk and play frisbee with me?

I can't imagine he would say yes.

LOL - I think it's great idea.

i've gotta run now but want to leave this DIRECT QUOTE from STEVE HARLEY to me which was SOOO ACCURATE:

"IF HE LOVED YOU ONCE, HE CAN LOVE YOU AGAIN"...

You see, SG, that WAS TRUE of MY H..so "IN LOVE" with me and I didn't appreciate how much until he was gone...

Now he's BACK AGAIN...

There is certainly MUCH HOPE for you given this...

Call him and invite him..even if he says NO..he will take note of the call...BELIEVE ME ON THIS ONE....

Ok, I will call today and leave a message.

I'll keep you posted.

SG

Help me build my confidence.

Mimi told me to call my hubby and invite him on a walk or to play frisbee. I am FROZEN and scared.


SG

SG,

You CAN do this. It doesn't matter whether he accepts. Your goal is to invite him to be a part of the family (at least right now it is).

I remember doing this when I invited FWH to stop by our son's birthday party if he would like. I KNEW he would not come by. I really did it to REMIND him of where he belonged. I did it in a pleasant, loving way. And--the key--be pleasant NO MATTER how he responds. He may say yes, he may say no, he may hee haw around and never really give an answer. Just keep your calm. There is a dettachment that goes along with this. You plan what you do, but NEVER expect anything to actually work. Just keep smiling and saying something like, "OK, maybe another time." Oh, well, we'll miss you, but I'm sure we'll have a great time." Whatever, can keep you smiling. Just one quick line and you're gone...smiling....of course.

Let me say this again:

YOU CAN DO THIS.

Just don't worry about how he responds. You are making an impact on him...do NOT let him make an impact on you.