No. Hold on..let HIM CHOOSE...

"I'm so glad you liked the card, etc. I was thinking. OLD BIG STRONG MAN OF MIND (don't say this but you want him to be thinking you are saying this), what's your idea about a good place for us to practice the frisbee and for you to give me workout tips..or whatever..

LET HIM BE THE MAN..MAKE THE DECISION...

And I should do this by answering his email, right?

What do I do if he wants to bring OW?

WHAT??? Excuse me while I catch my breath....

Let's see if he DARES...with Mimi on the case..I'll have to come find him and whip his you know what if he says that...

LOL,

He brought her to my house after I asked him not to. And he brought to a lacrosse event with the boys. So, I need to just have a little warning on how to handle it Plan A style.

So what did you DO or say when this happened?

I GUESS you're gonna have to say DIRECT to this MORON of a WH: "This is TIME for just YOU and I"...

So you've been a woman that did not express her anger?

LOL,

I absolutely confronted him "lovingly" both times. The lacrosse game it was by email and he apologized. The house, I drove home and told him that I really believe that I have been pretty understanding through this whole ordeal and that I only asked for a few things. ONE was to not BRING her to MY house.

He told me it was so THEY could see what THEY wanted for their house. I wanted to kill him, but then I remembered Love Busters, and somehow turned it around to him saying that there was a possiblity for US.

He was so into the victim role that he used the babble - I gave you everything I had.

As for expressing my anger...The OLD ME would have anniliated him with words and my anger. I have NEVER had a problem expressing my anger to him, but it all seems to pointless now and useless.

It was the new me that just loves him and was so desperate to not have the nail in the coffin that I just spoke clearly, to the point and then changed the subject.

He KNOWS I have changed, he just doesn't believe OUR MARRIAGE will have changed. And he is willing to put in HUGE amounts of effort to work on their relationship, but now OURS.

Does that help with information?

That's one thing I've never been able to understand..what seemed to have been my H's FEAR of HER..I guess it's FEAR OF LOSING THE DRUG SOURCE....

I liked the way you handled those situations...

Sounds like he's clear that it's not OK to happen again...

I think make it CLEAR to HIM that this is JUST YOU TWO..

"What is a GREAT PLACE for YOU AND I to meet to work on getting ME ready for the TEAM?

I defintely learned NOT to LB anymore. In fact, I haven't really shown any anger since D-Day. Not bad eh?

Ok, will say that once I get confirmation that he will meet me.

He still hasn't said anything for sure.

I do KNOW that I have to be careful not to pressure him and go WAY slowly. My HUSBAND is passive-agressive, manipulating and controlling. He loves chaos and loves to play games. That was the ONE thing that pushed me away was the games. And see, here I am in a way, putting myself in a position of the games. So any thoughts on how to healthily handle the timing stuff?

So maybe, I should wait a day or two to answer?

What do you think?

You see. You know him. Briefly reply, "I'm glad you liked the card" and then wait a few days.

I don't go for that analysis of his personality and all that, SG. I'm not saying that you are incorrect but for now let's consider him a standard WH...

Ok, Standard WH.

I like that plan. Keeps it simple and acknowledges that his response to me. Remember my PLAN is to ensure he KNOWS that he is NUMBER ONE in my life no matter what. That is going to be the VERY ESSENCE of my success. And I think MY ONLY chance at winning him back. Does that make sense?

And I will let him know that our son is doing better. One other thing that really pushes his buttons is to not give him all the information he is looking for. Unfortunately the old me did that all the time.

I do have one question. You keep referring to that I know him better than anyone else.

I know MY HUBBY better than anyone else. This WH is a enigma that is completely unpredictable and mean.

My HUBBY would have NEVER had an A or at least I didn't think so.

So, I guess I am second guessing what I KNOW about my HUBBY. Is that silly? Or is there something useful in this that I can use with my plan?

How do I handle this one?

I am still getting shorted 50.00 each week from his paycheck.

That is 250.00 this month and 100.00 last month. I really could use the money. As it's the holidays, and sports registrations fees, etc.

WH knows I am getting shorted and is supposed to be making up the difference. He did for one week, but not the entire amount.

So, do I ask him for help with paying some of my bills or what? Or try to absorb the money and do the best I can.

Is this considered a respect vs disrespect. Or would I be seen as a B*****

SG

You need to proceed with the LS.

Proceed with finding some attorney to help you with this.

Or can't you draft a document online.

Resarch the place that person here told you about.

Talking to him about it will be USELESS.

A big part of PLAN A is GAINING HIS RESPECT but not LBing.

Wouldn't getting a LS, upset him.

And isn't making him angry a LB?

Ok Mimi,

Here's the truth. I am truly SCARED to do something like that. I have no confidence that I am even worth it.

I really feel like I hurt him so bad by NOT treating him as my number one priority and this is my PUNISHMENT by losing him.

It's my sticking thinking that's got me today.

Someone hit me with reality of a WH and that he is WRONG and I am NOT being punished.

This is SOOO important. I wish I had the right words to convey this to you. It was one of the most important things that I learned.

I "GOT IT" after reading LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. Dodson said that, in all of his years of helping couples, he determined that the ones that reconciled after an affair were the ones in which the BS was willing to let the WS GO....he insists that the BS has to be "tough" and to gain the WS' respect..

This was actually CONFIRMED to me by my H...first, he was blown away when I talked with him, using the Dodson approach..I told you about my speech when I told him that "I was letting him go.don't want you until you want me"..I could tell that blew his mind..it was a real turning point..my ATTRACTION POINTS went way up...

Then, since RECOVERY and over the years lately, this has been confirmed. My H actually says stuff like: "It's not ATTRACTIVE to me for you to allow yourself to be disrespected" (talking about when our sons talk back to me, etc.). He LOVES it that I speak up for myself now. No one likes a wimp.

Plus, he has said that he lost respect for me those years when he was evidently having an affair, coming in all times of the night, missing in action and I SAID NOTHING or either YELLED (I'm a FIGHT or FLIGHTER).

It's about LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE. I didn't not VALUE MYSELF and did not recognize HOW MUCH MY HUSBAND LOVED ME. You said this, too, about yourself.

YOU WILL NEED TO GAIN HIS RESPECT or else why should he want YOU? He wants to be with someone who is WORTHY.

You are a PRECIOUS GEM. She is GLASS. Insist on getting what your rightfully deserve and if he does not step up and give that to you then YOU DON'T WANT HIM.

You will not WIN him back through BEGGING, PLEADING or BEING "NICE". He will not appreciate you as a person of value that way. Most importantly, you will not appreciate yourself.

What he is doing is WRONG! Stand up and speak the truth about that. Regardless of the part that you played in your marital issues, what he is doing NOW is WRONG, abandoning his family and not giving you what you rightfully deserve, giving it to another woman..WRONG, WRONG, WRONG..and he KNOWS THIS...

He is thinking of you as A FOOL for putting up with it and who wants to be with a FOOL?

Get my point?

It took me awhile to get this but get this now I do.

Read this that I WROTE:

PERSONAL POWER

As I look back over my time here, I consider this one of the GREATEST GIFTS that I received from this forum.

I remain here for that sustenance.

The POWER helps me in my MARRIAGE to this day.

It weathers me through CONFLICTS with my H..yes CONFLICTS from which I used to FLEE..I walk head on into them and SPEAK MY TRUTH...and I see my H valuing ME and RESPECTING ME...AHHHH...PERSONAL POWER....I LOVE IT!!!

Becoming convicted to WORK YOUR PLAN will lead you HERE to where I am...

It has to be YOUR PLAN..not about HIM...

It has to be how YOU WANT TO CHANGE TO MAKE YOURSELF INTO A BETTER PERSON...

Then THE PLAN is REAL, SINCERE AND MEANINGFUL to YOU and that will be communicated to your WS and others....

Starting with the FOCUS ON YOURSELF prepares you for PLAN B which takes all the PERSONAL STRENGTH and CONVICTION a PERSON CAN BEAR...

It is hard to PERSEVERE AND ENDURE during PLAN B..it involves WITHDRAWAL from your WS and RECREATING YOUR LIFE...it did for me...

Yes, Plan B for me was ONLY 3 MONTH or so...but THE MENTAL PREPARATION, SOUL SEARCHING and LIFE CHANGES STARTED WAY BEFORE THEN on D-DAY...

I decided to CHANGE INTO THE NEW ME that I am today and have not turned back...and will not turn back...I WILL NOT BE THAT PERSON EVER EVER AGAIN...

I have a sense of PERSONAL POWER and PURPOSE..my H knows for sure that I WILL AND CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT HIM..I am certainly ENHANCED BY HIS PRESENCE IN MY LIFE..but also HIS LIFE IS ENHANCED BY ME....

I felt compelled to say this this morning...

I am so thankful for getting to this place...

It is VITAL FOR YOU GUYS..especially MY GIRLS..to get HERE, TOO...

So basically, any HOPE of my marriage restoration has to come with me stepping UP and being respectful of myself. And be willing to let my husband go? As in go FOREVER and lose my marriage? Help me on this, please.

Ok, so your recommendation is a legal separation. And what do I do in the meantime? Should I email him about the shortage of money and ask him to give it to me?

WHAT would show me the MOST respect?

This is really HARD for me, I'm sorry to be such a woos. BUT I am trusting you and having faith in G-d that he will walk me through this and I will be ok no matter what.

I guess this is where FAITH and TRUST hit the rubber on the road and I have to just walk through the fear.

True?

Exactly..because..sad for me to say to you..sad for me to realize myself at that time..YOU DON'T HAVE HIM ANYMORE...

You want him back, for sure..but he has to come back because he WANTS to BE WITH YOU...



I recommend the legal separation.

I wouldn't ASK him for the money.

I would TELL HIM that he owes it and how and when you expect to get it.

FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY....

Exactly..because..sad for me to say to you..sad for me to realize myself at that time..YOU DON'T HAVE HIM ANYMORE...

Oh Mimi,

This is the ONE PART I can't come to TERMS with. What do I do to come to terms and just live with it.

I am SO sad over the loss of the most precious thing I ever had in my life. And it's because I wasn't a good enough wife.

How did you come to terms with it and move on?