I just got off the phone with MC.

She wants me to work on my definition of forgiveness.

She knows I have completely forgiven my husband, but it's ME that I have NOT forgiven and thinks this is a HUGE STEP in my personal recovery.

Has anyone else walked through this topic?

One more thought,

This is really conjecture, but this thought just popped into my head which sometimes I believe is G-ds way with me.

That I am walking through all these emotions and feelings b/c the day that my H wakes up and realizes what has happened, he is GOING TO NEED me, and by walking through these now, I will have the experience how to support him to G-d and walk through it with him.

Is this STUPID?

SG,

I have wondered at times if the things I have experienced in the past couple of years, my wife nearly leaving me for OM, my bacterial infection that they couldn't identify, two surgeries and extended recovery from all of the above wasn't so that I could learn how to heal and move forward.

While I do not believe God causes these things to happen to us, I do believe that if we can learn the hard lessons from them and be open to His leading, that He will bring others along that are in the same or similar circumstances in their lives that can benefit from what we have already been through.

To me, this is absolutely awesome, that the God of the universe might be able to use me to reach others with His words of healing. So many things came together in just the right order in order for me to learn the lessons that I learned that it cannot have been mere coincidence.

My wife beginning an affair, me finding it out so quickly, my pastor who I helped hire for the church, the fact that he had met Dr Harley years ago when he lived in Minnesota,the fact that he was familiar with Dr Harley's methods from using them to save his own marriage years before, his explaining to me the love bank concept in our first meeting, me finding my way here, my contracting a rare bacterial infection, meeting a doctor who only worked at the medical group for a short time (less than 2 months at the time I first saw him) the fact that he knew new surgical techniques that few others in the area had ever heard of, my wife taking time every day to change my dressings and care for me, my boss finally understanding that I could not continue to be a one-man show...all of these and so many more got me to where I am today.

God promises us comfort in time of trouble. But the word comfort means "with strength" and that means that God promises us that He will see us through our troubles with His strength rather than us needing to rely on just our own to get by. And some of His strength He has imparted to others so that it may be shared with those who follow later.

To me that is awesome!

And in your situation, no matter what happens with your H, you will be better able to deal with troubles and difficulties and can be there for someone else in their time of need. What you are learning doesn't come from any book or class, it only comes from perseverance in the face of trouble...

Mark

Hi Mark,

I agree, when you look at it this way, it is AWESOME.

Many years ago, in a personal growth class that both my husband and I took as a way to strengthen our M, I worked through some major issues where I came to realize how much I loved my H. And that I was learning to tear my walls down. He knew that. It was also there that the facilitator told me that I had Shaman's heart. A healing heart. At the time, I kinda blew it off. NOW, I am not so blowing it off.

I am grateful, very grateful to G-d for walking me through this and that truly I can say I LOVE MY HUSBAND unconditionally. I truly hope that G-d will give me another chance with my H, but until then, I am working on being the very best woman I can be for G-d.

Perserverance is one thing I am learning and doing.

It helps to somehow suffer threw the pain, knowing that G-d is using me for a bigger purpose, whatever that may be.

SG

Hi SG-

I'm back from class (last one for the quarter) and was just catching up on a few threads. Your attitude is inspiring. It's always so amazing how God never wastes an experience, but can turn it into something that helps us grow in faith if we are willing.

Last winter I was reading a book about prayer that used a great example. The writer was describing trees in his yard during the winter while he was writing about those "winter" times we all have in life. (I felt like I was in one at the time). He said that during the cold winter months, a tree will draw its sap deep into its core. By doing this, the tree becomes stronger. The winter also kills any bugs or fungus on the tree that might weaken or destroy it.

That's what these times do for us in God's hands. We end up stronger in the core of who we are, and stronger for what He has planned for us.

SG,

Not stupid at all. I am experiencing this right now. Although I have my moments of emotional weakness, my FWH is facing such devastating grief and remorse that at times I have feared for his health over this past month.

It is odd that I am so often the one comforting him considering what I have been through. But you are right, when/if they see, truly see, what they have done, they NEED us to get them through it. I have held my H for hours while he cried and shook in my arms...several times over this past month. I am thankful that God has brought me to a place that I can be here for my FWH. Over the last months, if you would have told me I would be comforting him, I would have said that will never happen.

So you walk this journey to be a stronger you...for yourself...but God will use that strength however he sees fit.

SMB,

I can't tell you how much hope your sitch gives me and now what you have said.

I admit, things look ABSOLUTELY BLEAK, but I have FAITH in G-d, and know he is building character and strength in me. I can ONLY HOPE it's to be used for my H.

SO on to PERSONAL RECOVERY. At my MC and IC sessions yesterday the topic of forgiveness came up. I am in a place today, where FORGIVENESS isn't something I can ALLOW myself. This is HUGE, especially for when G-d brings my H home. I TRULY BELIEVE, I have forgiven my H, but I am so shameful and angry at myself for all the MISTAKES I made.

My IC feels like this is an acceptance and control issues. So, I need to work on this and bring forgiveness to myself for all the wreckage I have caused in M. I guess I have this deep seeded belief that if I had been a better wife then he wouldn't have done what he did and my kids wouldn't be suffering.

So, this is stupid thinking and am looking for a prayers or guidance on how recover from this.

SG

Most importantly, FORGIVE yourself.

I did not forgive my H while he was a wayward.

I didn't forgive him until he ASKED for my forgiveness and told me that he knew that was he did was WRONG.

I KNOW intellectually I need to forgive myself.

BUT HOW - when I feel like my actions pushed him into an A and consequently my children's lives were blow apart.

I know it's crazy thinking, BUT HOW do I forgive when the punishment includes my children and not just me.

How would you forgive someone who has wronged you?

In order to be able to forgive yourself, you must make the changes and be satisfied with them in -YOUR LIFE-.. to reconcile with yourself the things you seek to forgive yourself for.

True forgiveness comes with repentance.. you -can- repent to yourself... it's the hardest kind of repentance though.. because YOU already know how sincere you are.

In Judaism,

We called a process called Teshuvah. It means, you fast for Yom Kippur, ask G-d to forgive you, and when faced with the same situation, you don't DO IT.

I actually have had many opportunities where that has come up and didn't DO IT AGAIN.

MAYBE, my unwillingness to forgive myself is a way of still trying to control the situation and BARGAIN with G-d. If that's the case, then I am NOT IN FAITH with him am I.

I'm SO CONFUSED...

Ok.. so you're still in the process of working on it. Are you sincere? I think that's the question.. who are you doing it for? Are you doing it for your WH, or yourself?

Do you think that God won't forgive you? Have you asked? I think we both know better..

If you have yet to forgive yourself, then perhaps there is more that -you- feel needs changing.

You -do- need to separate out though that it is -your- forgiveness you seek.. not someone elses right now.. if you think forgiveness will only come if you can test out the new you on your husband.. you're in for a long rocky road.. because you're doing it for the wrong reasons..

A couple of points..

You are not ALL THAT POWERFUL..I encourage you to only take responsibility for YOUR OWN ACTIONS...

YOU did not PUSH him to do anything..HE CHOSE to use that as his OPTION to handle his own and the marital problems..

HE HAD LOADS OF OTHER OPTIONS...that were not WRONG and IMMORAL...

Ok, some of my greatest insights come at the copy machine. Go figure.

Seriously, who am I kidding. This comes down to not trusting G-d and believing he has a better plan for me.

Which means I have to TRUST G-d whether it includes my HUSBAND OR NOT.

I'm so SCARED.....

PERSONAL RECOVERY GOAL #1: Get rid of the FEAR.

What have you to fear?

WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE...

No, James -

Maybe a few weeks ago, it was about my HUSBAND.

But this shift has changed me. The WORK AND RECOVERY I am doing TODAY is for me. And only me.

You see, the reality is, one day I want to have a relationship with someone. I HOPE that relationship is with my H, but I have to TRUST G-d. If I DON'T MAKE THESE CHANGES IN ME FOR ME, I will never HEAL COMPLETELY AND WHOLY.

The BIGGEST CHANGE - RIGHT NOW IS TO COMPLETELY TRUST G-D for the Plan he has designed for me.

This is HUGE isn't it?

I don't know what I am so FEARFUL of.

How can I figure that out?

I'm just processing, so bear with me.

Maybe I am SCARED to trust G-d completely? That would MEAN I have to give up CONTROL.

What do you think?

EXACTLY..yes very HUGE and WONDERFUL!!

I can't stop crying and shaking and I am at work.

UGH!!!!