Do you want me to call you tonight?

I am going out with the girls from work and can call you then.

I can't WAIT to hear.

It's Thursday isn't IT......

I love you,
SG

I just got a call from MS, the battery on his car isn't working right so he called DAD to come help.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Won't OW be happy about that.

Yes it IS Thursday. LOL!!

Call me after 8:45 eastern time.

Smartie

I will do my best to be out of the restaurant by then.

Are we a happy GIRL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I considered myself "POWERFUL" in the past. In reality. I was CONTROLLING, JUDGMENTAL AND SELF-RIGHTEOUS. That's not real PERSONAL POWER.

I didn't consider my H's point of view. I wanted him to be who I wanted him to be because of course I KNEW THE RIGHT WAY. I had to FIX everything and be IN CHARGE of everything....YUCK..I'm so not that person anymore..

So what happened was his PRIMARY NEED for ADMIRATION was not met. I didn't RESPECT him. He wasn't the MAN OF THE HOUSE. I didn't allow HIM to be the DADDY. All of this is so difficult for me to say and acknowledge.

So the PYT (PRETTY YOUNG THING) easily crept in...for him to mold and to teach and... HOW ADMIRABLE he was to her...WHAT A MAN...

His choice to pursue HER was WRONG and DEVASTATING...

But I own my part...

The thing is, SG, I wasn't REALLY.. POWERFUL. I wasn't REALLY evidencing LOVE for MYSELF. Let's see how can I put it? Real power is INTERNAL...is there on the inside. It is not PUSHY. It's like the SUN that makes a person take their coat off..not like the WIND that makes the person bundle up tighter. I was like the WIND, blowing down on my H and other people, being overbearing rather than JUST BEING ME..

Make sense?

Yes it DOES and you are so right to the difference. I was JUST LIKE YOU. Of course I would add in manipulative. YUKKY

I am not sure the difference has developed in me enough for him to see? Does that make sense?

Well, my card didn't get read, I don't believe. I didn't get confirmation. He was online and didn't say hi.

However on a PERSONAL RECOVERY line, I went out with some friends and had a blast. They ALL want him out of my life and think I can DO some much better. That there is someone who will treat me like the woman I deserve to be treated and they don't believe the addiction line or that he is in a fog. All they see is the hurt inside and the way he treated me for so long.

Since I began reading that book, there is a difference in me. I still STAND for MY M, and LOVE my H, but each day I believe my FAITH in G-D becomes stronger so that whatever his plans are, I WILL BE ok.

Hey Mimi, at least yours was a PYT and you could almost see what could happen. Mine is uglier than imaginable and a crack ho with a disease. It just boggles the mind, completely and totally. And still HURTS.

Plus I MISS HIM.

How did you know when you started to feel more powerful?

I don't want to knock your friends because I know that they love and care about you. But I had to surround myself with friends who share MY BELIEFS about MARRIAGE. They knew my H well and couldn't imagine that he could do such a horrid thing without being UNDER THE INFLUENCE of SOMETHING..if not DRUGS ..then EVIL..they PRAYED for me and WITH ME...I couldn't spend time with or talk with those who wanted me to move on because I felt they were not being sensitive to MY FEELINGS and what I wanted....

It's GREAT that you were able to have a GOOD TIME,though. I never quite got THERE....



She was/is YOUNG but not that ATTRACTIVE. I'm much more ATTRACTIVE. But my H said that it was NOT AT ALL about HER LOOKS. It was about HOW SHE TREATED HIM..It was about how she made him FEEL...She was able to create that HIGH for him.

So she's wasn't a REAL PERSON..like I am now..like you were at the lacrosse tournament. That's why they are attracted to our assertiveness. The OW IS NOT REAL. THE OW IS FANTASY..all about focusing on meeting HIS NEEDS. You can't live that way for the rest of your life....at one point it has to get REAL...

That's what happens during PLAN B. He will get to know the REAL HER..You have to STAY DARK so that's all that he has...and she can't keep it up 24/7.

The beginning of this for me, December 2002, is not included in the thread that you have read.

I literally thought that I could not possibly live without my H. Like you, the other day, I wanted to die. I was anorexic, not sleeping, not eating... CRAZY almost when he left me... I had been with him since age 18, went from dorm room to marriage, have never lived on my own. So I knew that I had really changed when I told him that day that I would let him go, that he was FREE to go until he wanted me back. My H thought that I would ALWAYS be there for him, sitting in that house waiting FOREVER if necessary. I made tha decision at that point and he didn't know it yet that I was going to let him go..TO MOVE out of the house..and to start a new life without him. I didn't get as far as Bugsy but I imagined that it would look like her life....or moreso Believer's...I like to hear about her life like you read about Bugsy... I couldn't take it like it was anymore....

But now, he is the most WONDERFUL PERSON ever. Talking with you lately encouraged me to tell him so... because we have MIRACULOUSLY come so far. He is such a CHANGED MAN and I really "LIKE" him is what I told him tonight. I really "LIKE" the MAN he has become. All part of GOD'S PLAN...

I don't want to knock my friends either. However, I have learned ALOT about who my TRUE friends are. And to be honest, you have been MORE a friend then some of the closest ones I thought I had. In fact if it weren't for you, Smartie, JT, James, Believer, Bugs, Orchid, and some others, I wouldn't have made it. I am so grateful that you stayed and didn't leave when you were talking about it. Mimi you and the others on here have My permission to knock whatever you need to, in order to keep me focused and on track for my Plan A and then B. My old sponsor once told me to have people in my life who cared more about my life than my feelings. I considered this website to care more about my life than my feelings and that is a TRUE BLESSING.

As for my "CLOSE friends" it's all about doing what they WANT me to do, and when I DON'T it's because I am choosing not to. Can you believe that. One of the things I need to develop is assertiveness for anyone. People think of me as the strongest, most accomplished, warm, fun, loving person. And that's awesome, but you know. If you don't have the one you love then it's kinda empty. I know my life will go one without him and because of G-d, you and others on here one day I will be whole again. But there will always be a part of my heart that will NEVER RECOVER from losing the man I trusted so completely to ALWAYS BE THERE.

Ok, time to stop. I have to remember this was G-ds path and HE WILL turn this into GOOD one day. I just need to wait on him and keep being dependent on him for my lifeline.

You are right it's about how she MAKES him FEEL, but the sad part is I REALLY tried, at least I thought I was, but it never seemed good ENOUGH. And that's where I really need to come to terms and understand, this need in my H is something that isn't going to get filled by anyone but G-d. That's why I MUST keep my FAITH in G-d. He truly is the ONLY thing that can bring my H home. I see the emptiness in my H and it breaks my heart, you know why, b/c G-d is my life now and I understand the difference.

I hurt for my H b/c he is losing out on the remaining months of our MS at home. Something he can NEVER get back. But his choice. I hurt for my H b/c I know who he is deep deep inside and somewhere in this Monster is a man who is slowly dying and I'm scared for him.

Did I tell you that I keep a journal of what's going on in my boys life to give to him when MY REAL HUBBY comes home and he wants to understand what he missed.

I also light a candle EVERY night since he left (well almost), that sits between two stuffed animals that we bought each other when we were dating. As I light it, I say, I love you, I believe in you and have FAITH in G-d.

I look forward to the day that G-d lets him come home and I don't have to burn it anymore. Do you think that's stupid?

Ok, so onto figuring out my Plan A for tomorrow. Since I didn't hear a word from WH on the card, what do you think? Leave him a lone for the weekend and then call on Monday? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Oh Mimi,

I am so happy for you and glad you told him. I am so glad for you that G-d gave you that chance to create something magnficent and truly appreciate and enjoy it.

I pray for that same chance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok, good news. Hansel just read my card and it will be with him for the rest of the night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He didn't acknowledge it to me online, but who knows maybe there will be an email. No expectations right. It's just about me and I LOVE sending him them.

IMO, God gives us FREE WILL and your H has to choose to work towards his OWN HEALING. God is there for him but he has to turn to HIM.

It interesting that you mention your sons. My YS was in of high school during all this and is now a senior in college. My H, just tonight, on his own said: "I've got to get know him; I don't know him as well and you do"..BLEW ME AWAY that my H would make that acknowledgement (of being in THE FOG during his adolescence) which led to me saying how much I "like" him....

TIME CAN HEAL ALL WOUNDS and YOUR HUSBAND CAN CHANGE...

ARK on the forum here..taught me that..another one of my PERSONAL RECOVERY LESSONS..cause I thought my H's relationship with our sons particularly the YS would never heal..

NEVER GIVE UP YOUR HOPE AND FAITH...your sons have plenty of time left to heal their relationship with their father..if HANSEL chooses the path with the breadcrumbs.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yep...let him sit with the card..

Try to do something GREAT AND NEW for yourself this weekend...keep your eyes and ears open for a BLESSING...

I will TRY.

What are you doing this weekend?

As you said, I KNOW my H better than anyone else. HE WON'T CHOOSE to turn to G-d b/c he BELIEVES he has a GREAT relationship with G-d. Or is that just more WW crap.

That's CRAP about your H feeling he's right with God...I can just about guarantee you on that...

I'll talk to you tomorrow...


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Hi SG-

Just wanted you to know I've been around today-popping in to read and such-but haven't had much time to actually get on the computer and write.

OS just got home from WSU for winter break. YS and the dogs immediately surrounded him and there was some punching and slobber (the punching was between the boys-the slobber was from the dogs. Well, I hope it was...)

Just wanted you to know that I am rooting for you-

Yay SG!!!!!

HI JT,

I've missed you. My cell phone died and I am waiting for my son to see if it can come back to life.

How did your day go? What are you doing this weekend?

I just want you to know how much you mean to me and rooting for me, well I am touched and grateful.

I'm glad your OS got home. Have a blast with him.

I will talk to you tomorrow.

Thanks Mimi, - remember more about my life, than my feelings. I'm glad it's CRAP. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And G-d is with ALL of us here.

Sweet dreams sweet one....

That's ironic.. maybe it's just a WS thing..

My WW wouldn't even meet me in the church parking lot one night to do an exchange.. I was supposed to meet with the Priest that night..

She actually said to me when I invited her to talk with the priest.. 'There's nothing I feel I need to speak with a priest about'

Well.. that about floored me.

It's all bovine droppings.. it's that stuff you gotta cut with a horn and hope the lighthouse shines through... it's the enemy talking out of the lips of ones we love.. trying to bring discouragement.. the enemy has captured our spouses, and seeks only to destroy us, and our families.. by standing, we are putting on the armor of God and standing not just for our spouses and ourselves.. but for Him in this spiritual battle.. God will fight this battle.. we have just been called to be his STANDard bearers.

Thanks James,

I needed that.

How are you learning to put on the armor of G-d. What does that mean to you?

"Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."

"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one."

"And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints...." Ephesians 6:10-18


"do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ..." (1 Peter 4:12-13) *your mileage on this may vary but you asked what it meant to me*

Those are also some of my favorite verses, James, that helped me through THEM DAYS....

Yeah.. have had a few of THEM DAYS recently.

I kinda stumbled onto the Armor of God thoughts as I was reading the story of David and Goliath again..

I've been getting messages recently.. especially leading up to my 'declaration' post last week about trusting in the Lord, and not my own understanding.. what I see or what I hear.. trust only what comes from Him and his guidance rather than the worldly guidance of others... even up to and including these boards (though you guys have kept me on the path too.. and am -very- thankful for the advice)..

But the part of the story where David goes into the tent and puts on a soldier's armor.. finds it ill fitting and cumbersome.. because afterall, he was only a young boy. The advice of others, tainted by their own experiences.. while valuable and well intended doesn't always fit us. David instead trusted in God to protect him, and wandered onto the pitch wearing his every day clothes.. armed only with a sling and some stones against a well armored and battle worn giant.

The plans, are wonderful for self healing.. and many will tell you, but it doesn't seem to sink in.. the Plans are for the BS.. not to -make- the WS do or think anything.. that's just a bonus -if- they do. They are not our armor, the Plans do not deflect the hurtful things our spouses say.. the Plans do not dictate our actions necessarily.. they are simply a way for US to heal and present a person to the world that -anyone- would want, and be fortunate to have as a spouse.

We need God's protection, and our faith to keep us strong in the moments where we come under attack from our WS.. that, to me is where the Armor of God comes in.. look at what it consists of..

Truth
Righteousness
Peace
Faith
Prayer
Supplication to God

If we can hold onto and maintain -those- things in our life.. God says that nothing hurtful or harmful can penetrate.. this allows us to withstand the venom and hate from our WS's, and 'turn the other cheek'... allows us to respond with love, compassion, and strength when the enemy comes to break our will, cause us doubt and hate, and to destroy us and our family.. that is what the enemy wants.. God simply gives us the tools to stand firm against the enemy.