Hey JT,

Thanks for checking in. I miss talking to you. I'll look forward to more time after the holiday. Merry Christmas and totally enjoy your family. They are so blessed to have you.

Yes, it is cool about Exodus, I want to talk to you more about that, but at another time.

I love you, take care and be good to yourself,
B

EXACTLY!!

If I dont' check back on ya..STAY STRONG...keep moving forward...it's best to err in the direction of overdoing, IMO..than backing down at this point...since he offers you minimal contact with him...

But just looking at his ACTIONS, he is initiating more contact with you, isn't he?

THE WARRIOR GODDESS IS RIGHT HERE.

Growing stronger and learning everyday that what she WANTS, SHE CAN GO AFTER AND GET.

Yes, I am THE ONE WITH THE PLAN, so look out HUBBY. I'm coming to get you and bring you home. In G-ds time, of course.

Adn you are right, what does it matter if I get WH mad at me, I can't stand him anyways. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> She can deal with that, thank you very much.

You are truly one patient woman.

Merry Christmas, Mimi. Have an awesome time with your husband. I'll be praying it's a holiday that you will forever cherish.

Yes he is initiating more contact, but so have I and in my opinion, more is better.

I won't back down and if he gets mad and avoid me, I will find another way. Phone message, face to face or ecard. He will have no rest.

I'll talk to you on Thursday.

Bracha,

How does your H best learn? By written word, spoken word, or actions?

I encourage you to tailor your overtures to him to the way he best receives and processes information. That is different for each of us.

Take care.

Chrysalis,

That is a very good question.

One that I am not sure of. He listens and watches because he has training to do that in calibrating people.

But I think he needs to see my actions, because he hears the changes, but doesn't believe them.

So, I need to keep showing him that I have changed, and I want to reiterate these changes are one I WANTED to make.

But he listens intently even when I don't think he is. And the written word is something I can just put in front of him when he is alone.

With him gone, my contact with him is so limited.

How could I figure that out, which one he learns best by?

Hey Bugs,

Can you tell me how you handled the sitch's where you were Plan Aing Drac and he would get mad at you or rather go dark in his own way.

I think I am explaining that correctly. Mimi advised me to check with you.

B

Queenie,

You KNOW the answer to the question you pose above, just think about it. I always say, think back to when you 2 first met. What 'worked' then? To what did he respond the MOST during that time? There is your answer.

Also, you got the right idea in your exchanges with Mimi. It's about what YOU are wanting to do. Heck with WS getting upset or angry. In fact, count on it. He knows he's wrong and will lash out at you when you make yourself the MOST ATTRACTIVE choice.

Even in his fogged out, addicted brain, deep down he KNOWS it's crazy to choose anything except the beautiful, wonderful, attractive, fabulous, Goddess Queenie, mother of his children, and WIFE who is doing ALL she can CONSISTENTLY to show the changes HE wants & needs for a lifetime of happiness!!

Chin up, Chest Out!! Keep up the good work!

Hey Bugs,

Mimi has been so patient with me today.

The only part that confuses me, and maybe I am still a little slow, really having trouble sleeping tonight. I have almost read the whole SAA book, but it says not to upset your spouse.

Isn't that what I am doing by doing what I want to do in my Plan. Or, the book calls him my spouse, not my WS and that's the difference?

"MY" interpretation of 'not upsetting your spouse' means that you don't over talk about the relationship, and most importantly, no Love Busters.

Stating your love for him, the desire to recover your marriage are simply TRUTHS and FACTS. You are being open and honest with him,,,,not playing games.

There's another great thread I'll go find and link for you. It's about being the LightHouse in the fog for your WH to return home and to be your H again.

A big part of Plan A is standing for your M when they are not, AND through the MB principals, letting them know that there IS a path back to a BETTER M than what you had before.

Thanks for looking, I really appreciate it.

How did movie night go?

Are you all ready for Christmas?

Start with THIS post/thread by Ark^,,,,,,,,,, it helped me SO much during Plan A.

I added it to my favorites on my home page and re-read it VERY often during Plan A

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

I got that and added it to favorites. Thanks....

Bugs asked me to send this out for people to read and get input.

I wanted to send this to my H in an email.

How would you feel about giving me the opportunity to explain some of the marriage principles I have been learning to create a brand new fulfilling marriage beyond our wildest imaginations that is totally and completely blessed by G-d?

Any input is welcome,

SG... congrats on your Skins. We'll see you next week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

About the email. No. Definitely not. You cannot "educate" your WH. I don't think Mimi meant that you need to introduce conversations about the road back to recovery RIGHT NOW or even all at once. It's breadcrumbs... remember? Little comments that open doors for bigger conversations. You can't just hit him with it because he won't be receptive. Remember this is WH... not DH.

I know you want to "DO" something and MAKE THIS HAPPEN but it takes time sweetie. You're doing a GREAT job. When you get the itch to FIX THINGS, get on your knees and give it back to God.

Sit back and lean on Him. Take a breath. He loves you.

Bracha,

Did he like to get cards from you were dating? Did he want you to tell him what you wanted? What kind of flirting did he like?

I'm thinking of a simple card to hand to him.

H, I want you to come home. I have been working hard to become an amazing wife for you. There is a bright future for our family, but you need to come home to experience it.

Are you eady to talk about this?

Hey PM,
It was a nice game to watch. I will see you next week. We have to win to get to the playoffs.

Chrysalis,

When we were dating, we only had DRUGS in our life. I don't REMEMBER what we did back then because we were ALWAYS HIGH.

I know I sent him alot of love letters and he sent them to me. I still have them all.

He played mind games with me for so long and would say this would make him happy, and I would do it, but it really didn't, so then I would try something else.

All I ever wanted to do was make him happy and love him with all my heart and without the games.

I'll take any suggestions on how to figure out what would work best. He takes in everything I do. Whether it be email, ecard, phone message or in person. He is ALWAYS watching to see what I am doing. BUT the WH is way too strong and refuses to allow anything in.

When he expresses a desire to come home, you will need to know what your boundaries are. Complete NC with OW, for starters.
It will be your turn to set the bar high and expect him to reach it.

Now I have a sensitive question for you.

Do you think there is any chance he might be using again?

Haven't had much to add recently as you're in -wonderful- hands with Mimi, Bugs, and the rest.

Just wanted to chime in and wish you the best this week as I'll be a little more sporadic than usual.

You'll be in my prayers.

J

Chrysalis,

Please don't ever stop yourself from asking any kind of question. This experience has humbled me to the ground. Literally. I have no ego left whatsoever.

I honestly HAVE NO way of REALLY knowing anymore. If I can remember back so many years when he used, he was so self-destructive like he is now. But there is such an edge of superiority in him and self-righteousness that I just don't know.

I will say last Friday when I asked him what his birthday was, he said he didn't care. It didn't matter to him and he started shuffling papers really quickly. I noticed it immediately. Does that mean he is using, no. It does mean something, but only G-d knows.

There is no doubt in my mind he is in an active addiction. And it truly scares me that with her being an addict and he refers to her that way, the chances could happen. But then there is the self-righteousness and holier than thou attitude and his pride that he has over 18 years sobriety. However, as everyone on HERE knows. His behaviors right now are as destructive as any other kind of addiction and if he hits a truly low point, who knows what could have happened or may happen. I kinda hope for it in a way. Maybe that will get him back into AA.

It is truly sad. There is NO ONE in his life, NO ONE who cares enough about him to ask him what he is really doing? They just say, we don't really KNOW WH and he is making the biggest mistake of his life. I am his ONLY ADVOCATE for the good that exists. I pray to G-d that is enough to bring him back home.

Do you HONESTLY believe he will want to come HOME one day. Why would he? He has a new relationship and can escape the realties of life. I CAN'T possibly offer him an escape. I am the WIFE and the MOTHER of HIS KIDS. I will always be the reality.

James,

I need prayers right now. People on here understand how absolutely crippling these emotions can be. I am FIGHTING as hard as I can to keep on going. I AM.

I am shaking my head and telling the voices to get AWAY from me, I'm SCREAMING at satan to leave me alone, but I can't stop the tears of sadness.

Christmas was a time for our family to hibernate from this holiday. We were a FAMILY and this year, not only is my H gone, but my daughter is gone for the first time as well and I my boys are complaining their bored.

So for any of you who are out there reading this and you are in this pain, my heart goes out to you and I want you to know you are in my prayers and wishes for your dreams to come true.

James you are in my prayers and thoughts and I wish you the Merriest of Christmas'. You and I are walking such the same path and for you the pain of the kids can only be worse.