The quilt sounds like a nice idea. I have a treasured quilt from my son's grandmother. It is made of the old clothes that my son' dad, uncle and aunt used to wear. It sounds ugly, but it is BEAUTIFUL.

I always liken affairs to the "Body Snatchers" movie. You might be too young to remember that one. But after the body snatchers invaded, the person looked the same and talked the same, but the real person was not there anymore.

That's how my ex was. It took me months and months of anguish to even figure out what was happening in my life. And when I did, he continued denying it for months and months more. And he was so COLD. There was nothing left in his eyes. It was CREEPY.

I'll have to get that movie and watch it. I am sure reinforcement of understanding is good. Especially for me. Or then again, maybe I have to stop trying to understand what isn't understandable, but just is and TRUST G-d. There a novel approach. LOL

I actually have clothes set aside to make each of my children quilts for them. I might work on those as well as someday is here now since I have two adult children.

The eyes, the place to their soul. This just reminded me of a time when I was pouring my guts out to my H explaining that him withholding SF was killing me inside and I didn't understand what was happening. I clearly remember thinking at the time, what is going on inside of you, your eyes are glazed over.

Whenever I DEAL with the WH face to face, it's that GLAZED OVER, look I get that CLEARLY reminds me of that night in bed with him. WH's eyes are cloudy, cold and CREEPY.

MY H's nickname for me was Bright Eyes. My eyes are bright, full of HURT, DEEP HURT, but full of LOVE, HOPE AND FAITH. My eyes to my SOUL are clear and being filled up with STRENGTH AND DEVELOPING CHARACTER.

Good morning, Believer. Are you doing ok?

Bracha,

Yes, I believe that God can touch your H and bring him home. And I am so touched by the truth and love and light I see in your posts. You are the real deal.

And you are a quilter! Me, too, though I have not touched it in the last year or so. I have a king size that needs to be quilted but I have to re-do the sandwich, a little-girl quilt I want to add some appliqués to, and a wall hanging that goes with the king size that needs binding. And they have all sat for more than a year, untouched. My style is pretty out there-- wild colors, design on the fly. I'm not the most gifted quilter, by far. And I "owe" 3 more little-kid quilts, promised but not started yet.

When my DD20 went away to college I put all my sewing stuff in her room but I have not yet got it arranged so I can work comfortably in there. Too many boxes of "stash!"

Have you made your H a memory quilt?

Skins,

I was actually around before Oct. under another name. My other name was too descriptive of me. I might as well have used my real name. I thought that I should lay low for a little while and come back under another name which wasn't such a givaway.

See, you have absolutely no reason to have such low self esteem. Look at you - you are very accomplished and highly regarded in your job and community, so don't let WH make you feel less than what you are!! He is the one with the issues, not you. And you ARE the stonger one. It goes with our gender I believe. Women deal with emotional issues much better than men. Sorry guys, but I think it's true in most cases.

Skins, I bought The Secret yesterday and have already read most of it. As of today, I decided to make more changes in my life and follow the concepts in the book. As I look back, I think that there is some validity to this. Negative energy does attract negative energy. My outlook as of today is going to be nothing but positive. I am going to be happy, enjoy life, and do the things that I believe are right and things that make me happy. Get the book. If we keep thinking that our WHs will never come back, they won't.

I have to go for now. I'll be back tonight.

Skins,

The quilt is a great idea. I sew, knit, crochet, etc. I think that you gave me an idea. I may do a knitted afghan out of blocks that I will dedicate to all those here who have helped me through the tough times. I'll have a Believer block, WofF5 block, etc. You get my drift. Coming up with a design for each will be a challenge - excpet a block for you - skins should be an easy one. What are the team colors anyway???

Chrysalis,

Thank you, for what you said about me. I don't know how people who go through this can't be the real deal. I'm just speaking from my heart which hurts, BUT we are working on FILLING IT UP AND GETTING IT READY FOR MY BLESSINGS, right? Please keep the prayers coming for him. He needs it MORE than me. I already live with G-d. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why haven't you touched your quilting in over a year? Can I encourage you? No I haven't made him a memory quilt. I made a quilt for our bed but could never afford to get it quilted. He always said other people were more important. That wasn't true. I was just broke.

And then for our anniversary last year I found the perfect picture of Eagle (he loves them so), it was my first official applique job, only it never got finished and I didn't feel like it. Memory quilt, how could I make it?

Chai,

Ok that explains all the KNOWDLEDGE and WISDOM. The colors are burdundy and gold. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are so right, this negative energy is destructive, we can HELP EACH OTHER, as MIMI says - SHAKES IT RIGHT OUT OF OUR HEAD.

Bracha,

Have you ever done your own machine quilting? It is not hard. Do you make your quilts by hand or machine?

I do want to get back to quilting and other creative things. D-days really took the energy out of me in so many ways, but now I am getting strong enough to be creative again.

I did not touch it because I was emotionally tired and because there were so many other things keeping me busy. Not a very good excuse. But I am on the mend.

Yep. This took me a while to figure out, too.

The sooner you can figure out the difference between your Wayward Husband and your Husband, the less tortured you will be.

Chrysalis,

I completely understand. I couldn't even look at my machine, nonetheless start sewing again. It was after I made the Santa outfit that I starting thinking I could again.

I do machine quilting. I have done the actually quilting on a few quilts, but the one I made for my H is huge and it's very special so I wanted to save money to have a professional do it.

SD,
I totally know when I am speaking to one of the other. I learned that right from the beginning. What I don't know is how to reach my H when the WH is so strong.

Got any ideas?

Heya SG.. been keeping up with things, just haven't had much in the way of things to offer. I just wanted to drop in here and let you know that I'm still here and listening.

Now you're starting to teach me things.. your thoughts on the WS vs S.. It's something I've too come to terms with, but dealing with it.. well.. it's odd, because it seems they can shuffle between the two effortlessly.. the moment I think I'm dealing with W.. suddenly WW appears.. it's nuts, but that's also where our lack of expectation in our Plan A protects us..

Our faith is our shield.. God is with us, whom should we fear?

We shall fear only G-d.

I'm glad your around. It truly helps. I keep checking in on you too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have to admit, that came easy to me. Almost from the start. I don't know why, probably the only thing that came easy. I'll take it though.

It's in the eyes, in its the words he uses with him, it's in his attitude, how he tilts his head up and down. But the eyes. The eyes are a give away to his soul and more often than not, that soul is black and hollow.

I don't give myself compliments too often. But my eyes, are my best feature and its in my eyes you can see the brightness of my love for my H and the hope and faith I will survive one day. Not today, I just have to get through today, but one day.

My daughter saw the emptiness inside my eyes today and it scared her. She emailed me asking me to not keep loving dad, give him to G-d and believe that I can live a life without him.

I'm sorry I scared her, but she is very smart. I told her so and thanked her for waking me up. I was always such a fighter. Ah, this too shall pass. And one day, it will be ok. I absolutely know it.

Queenie,

Time to re-think & re-phrase,,,,,,,,,from I always WAS a fighter to I AM a fighter.

You are a fighter, you know??!!!!

Ok, rethink my thinking.

I am a FIGHTER.

I WILL SURVIVE.

And I am a STRONG PERSON WHO CAN DO and ACCOMPLISH what I PUT MY MIND TO, with G-d on my side.

Better?

Now THOSE are statements from a Goddess!

Good job!

Now just make sure you put that in your mantras and BELIEVE in yourself!

Thank you!

My sponsor is beating into me to start putting up affirmations all around the apt for me.

I think these would be good ones to start.

What worked for you? Or were you always this strong underneath?

Honestly?

I'd have to say I've always been extremely strong,,,,,until now. Before I had my BabyBugs, I was been know as the woman who will kick a$$ and take names - - No prisoners.

Always fair. Always on the side of giving everyone a good chance,,,,,,,,,,,but if you intentionally crossed me and didn't show remorse, then you were DONE for! LOL!!

The truth is that was the "world view" of me, but never MY view of myself. Through this last year I have come to truly recognize my vunerabilities as well as to give myself credit for my strengths. It's a sometimes very difficult process and balancing act, but I think I'm getting better at it.

So much I have learned,,, so much more I CAN learn.

How about you? What affirmations do you find work best for you?

I don't have any yet, really.

I could do

I will survive.

I am a fighter

I am a Warrior Goddess

I think my capacity to love, no matter how much you hurt me is my strongest quality.


It absolutely astounds people that I can still LOVE my H as much as I do and completely forgive him for everything.

The anger inside me, just doesn't live there as before. I have my moments, but then I look at how much I love my H and I just look at the bigger picture.

What have I learned. I have learned that I love my husband more than life itself. I am not saying that is good, just what is. I an learning that somehow I am going to have to find the path to personal recovery. As my wise Rabbi said, B, you are a tough old bird, and need to become rock solid strong. He guarantees my H will crash and burn and need me in the end.

I have learned that even though I am well respected in the community and well known, it doesn't mean anything if my family suffered for it.

But what I have learned MOST - is that G-d is my life. He is what brings me HOPE, FAITH, and GIVES ME SPIRIT AND STRENGTH to get out of bed and keep going. If it weren't for my growing daily relationship with him, I would be DEAD.

G-d is working something unbelievable in me, because the pain and depth of despair is so deep. One day, I have to believe I will be on the other side and he will use me for his purposes so I can bring hope to someone else.

Corny I know, but all this has to be for something.

What's your favorite champagne? Before I gave up drinking and using, I would drink Boones Farm. They didn't have wine coolers and the items they have today. I got CHEATED. LOL

NOTHING corny about ANY of what you said. It's beautiful, in fact. Don't discount yourself that way. You stated truths about yourself and your beliefs. Those are beautiful things!!

and YES, oh YES all of this IS for something. God DOES have a plan for each and every one of us. Being open to allow him to lead us down that path is a GIFT and a Blessing. Glad you have received that!! I am in the very same place. Waiting with open arms to know and hopefully understand what that plan is for me.

My favorite champagne,,,,,,,,of course, Goddess Style,,Dom Perignon. Can't afford that. Drac & I had a tradition of having it every year for New Year's Eve. Last year we had a bottle left in the box,,,,,,,,,,I found out he came and TOOK it while I was out of the house one day. Guess he & the HO enjoyed it. That HURT bad.

These days, it's usually Chandon. Drac took me on a surprise birthday trip to Napa. Something I always wanted to do. We signed up for their 'club' so I get shipments 4x a year from there. I wish I'd been more appropriately appreciative of that trip,,,,,,,

Anyway,,,,,,,,,,,how long clean and sober for you?

I have been clean and sober over 20 years. My b-day is 4-23-87.

My H went through a drug treatment program and I think I actually got sober for him because he would have NEVER made it otherwise. He went back out and used a year or so later, but had been clean and sober and still is, though I really have to wonder.

He is defintely in an active addiction in this relationship.

My drug of choice was pot. This past week I was at a community meeting where they were passing it around and I swear I could have pocketed it and taken it home to smoke.

This is the one part I wish I could find some relief from the feelings. I'm jealous you can drink. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Bugs,

I am reading some posting from Worldofthelost. Do you know what ended up happening in her sitch?