Could he be intimidated by your new found strength? As far as you know is the OW wating on him night and day? Have you considered that the WH is looking to be mothered and does not want to deal with being in a respectful equal relationship? What about your H...does he think the same way?

TMTS,

Yes, OW is at his beck and call and waiting on him hand and foot. She doesn't work and stays at home all day long waiting for him to come home. They have no children, no responsbility. Just a life full of fun and games.

My H's Number 1 need is to feel that he is absolutely the most important person in my life and that's what I DID NOT do enough of. I tried, but it was a cup that could NEVER be filled because I CAN'T BE THE ONE TO FILL IT, ONLY G-d.

My H/WH live a life that needs to have chaos, anger and confusion so he doesn't need to feel his feelings. He has to ALWAYS, be right. That's what drives him above anything else in life. Everything he is, everything he does is to NOT FEEL the feelings that live inside him, the pain of his childhood. And to create a reality where is is ALWAYS RIGHT. That's why he doesn't let anyone in who could give him a perspective where he would be wrong. HE HAS NO ONE.

I KNOW my H better than anyone else in this world. I KNOW the horrors of his childhood and how he was hurt. That's how he became an addict alcholic, to not FEEL. He talks the talk, but there is no substance to his words. NO ACTIONS.

I am the complete opposite. I FEEL EVERYTHING. The compassion that lives inside of me is life to me. I hurt for other people, I feel their pain and try to fix it. I know his pain and I tried to fix it for him. But his games took their toll on me and drove me away. And I lost the person that I truly am. Which loves unconditionally, hates chaos, and doesn't need anger to live. It's funny, I have said this over and over again. One of WH's reason for leaving was we lived a chaotic life. Since the day he left, our house is calm and there is no anger. I get frustrated at my children, but the anger just doesn't live inside me anymore. Only love, only a deep love for my H and the will to fight for his soul's survival. Because that's what is at stake here.

His relationship with her, she isn't smart enough or know his history enough to stop the games and since she is dependent on him, and makes him feel like he is number 1, she will keep playing along. And therefore, he doesn't have to FEEL his feelings and be wrong.

That's why this is SO bigger than me. Only G-d can reach him. But I live in fear that he won't and my H who still exisits inside, way deep down will eventually die and be lost forever.

Bracha,

I used to visualize my H and the WH in a battle to the death for control of the same body. Once in a while, one or the other would get the upper hand. I could never tell who was going to win. That went on for two years. The only things that kept me going were knowing how much our son needs an intact home, and remembering how wonderful my real H had been.

I do think your H can come home, but not until he breaks it off with her and starts NC.

He has that choice. You don't get to make it, and it isn't fair. But you are going to be wonderful and have a blessed life no matter what he chooses.

Yes, I absolutely believe God can bring him home. But you only get to work on you right now, and be prepared to be the best wife you can be-- which is not the same as being a totally submissive person who does not get her own needs met.

I wish I had more time to post to you today. We are trying to get out of town for a family wedding. I will check back in when I can, but I will be pretty scarce the next couple of days.

Hi Chrysalis,

Thank you for that analogy. It is very helpful.

I'll miss you have a great trip and awesome wedding time.

He is in the BATTLE of his life. One that he just doesn't realize and the real him is losing terribly. BUT, I am learning to become a WARRIOR GODDESS and fight for G-d.

The way G-d wants me to, by becoming the woman he always envisioned for me and being that beacon or lighthouse that stands tall, full of love and continues to HOLD THE SPACE OF OUR MARRIAGE. While G-d does what he is doing in my H.

If I truly grasp the one day at a time concept, I don't have to worry about my H today, because he is in G-ds hands and G-d loves him more than me and is suffering more than me at the way he KNOWS my H is hurting himself.

Talk to you soon,
Bracha

Ok, so here's my Plan A for the day thus far.

I tried calling H but his cell phone went immed. to vm. Not sure if he was on or not, so I hung up.

I called back and it went immed. to vm again. He may be on it still or have it turned off. Nonetheless, I NEED to GET GOING.

I left this message.

Hey there R.
Good morning, I am just calling in to see how you are doing today? I am out and about running errands and thought about you and wanted to see if you needed or wanted anything. I hope you are having a great day and if you think of anything, give me a call, I would be happy to do it for you.

Then I wished him a wonderful day in my most loving caring voice I have.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now I get to go be mommy and exercise at the same time.

Mimi, are you home yet? I miss you girl.....

Doesn't the OW react to your plan A? I would think that just the fact that she knows that you are in regular contact with him would be enough to cause some friction over there.

Queenie:

I'm back but busy..of course..will be checking on you later...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I have NO clue what is going on over on her side of the street. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I would love to know how he gets around me calling, showing up at soccer, introducing myself to her, talking to him online, giving him gifts. LOL, no clue whatsoever.

Hi Mimi,

I missed you lots, how are you? How was the trip?

Q

Ok, I got a blessing from G-d.

My MS is struggling with the coach for lacrosse. Of course he is, b/c he has to always be right. Just like his dad.

Guess who I called and again went to vm. Not sure what's going on, but his phone is off. Anyways, I left a message that he was so good at helping me last time regarding the children I needed his help with another problem.

I am going to get him to talk to me about how his need to always be right can be worked through. Very subtly of course, but this is HUGE. If G-d can give me the strength, clarity of mind and calm heart to just explain MS's problem, but know that I am reaching my H, maybe, just maybe a seed can be planted.

I bought him an anniversary card that is perfect. I have to run MS around for an errand, but want to put it out here for advice on what I should write in the card.

I am planning to take it to him tomorrow along with the CD gift. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I really am grateful to G-d for given me the opportunity to delve into my H's mind and see how he handles the very problem that drives him. Thank you G-d.

This is not your task NOW if ever, Queenie. Your task is to meet his EN of ADMIRATION which can be accomplished here. Mainly ask him his ADVICE on handling his son. Don't make it about analyzing HIM. Make this opportunity about YOU asking for his HELP.

He is a WH. He is not likely to openly share with you his feelings about himself....

Hi there,

You are so right. I wrote that wrong. I really meant what you wrote. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It gave me the opportunity to ask him for help and just make a note of what he says in my head. It's the same situation when I asked him about how to handle the boys when they were shutting down on me.

Thanks for making me reword it and make sure I am on the correct path.

He hasn't called me back. That is weird.

See how much I missed you.

Get busy doing something FUN for yourself.

I remember those days with the cellphone off and the VM..part of the WS SCRIPT..

He's busy BINGING on her..YUCK...

LOL....And it doesn't matter why he is BINGING? Darn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have BEEN very busy today.

I went walking and RUNNING for the first time in over 20 some years. I watched my boys at lacrosse camp. I got conned into looking at possibly becoming a girls lacrosse coach for the high school team.

I slept in, I had a MC session, stopped at my sponsors house and picked up more stuff to unpack. UGH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Went to fake and bake and sat in some heat. It's snowing tonight and came home.

If the roads don't ice up, I will go to meeting.

Here is the anniversary card I got H.

To My Husband

“Your still the one”

You’re still the one
I want to love forever.
you’re still the one
I want to wake up with every morning
and snuggle with every night,
the one I want to share
my dreams with,
build castles in the air with,
the one whose hand I want to hold
when I’m afraid,
whose shoulder I want to lean on
when I need support.

you’re still the one I want to encourage
to make your own
dreams come true,
the one I want to comfort
when you need a source of strength,
the one I want to hold
close always.

You’re still the one,
the only one,
I want to love forever,

Happy Anniversary

I was thinking of writing. The road to home is open, come walk home.

Or what else could I write?

Hi Queenie-

Just wanted to let you know that I'm around and have been keeping up with your thread. Funny how "busy" I can be when I don't have to actually BE anywhere.

You started running? How great! You'll be ready for ultimate frisbee when the team starts.

I just wanted to echo something you said about being full of life. You most certainly are! It is part of what makes your eyes so remarkable. The light of your life with God is in them.

So, when do the Redskins play Seattle? I might actually watch that one in YOUR honor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

HI JT,

How was your Christmas. Little little spurts of running, but a start. And will keep trying to build on it.

Thanks for the compliment on my eyes. You are so sweet.

It was those eyes that my H loved the most. He kept wanting me to look at him with love in my eyes. I did. He chose not to SEE it.

After they beat the Cowboys (sorry PM), then we will see what the schedule is. I hope they play on Sunday the 6th so I can go down to the hotel and get autographs.

What are you up to?

Hi SG-

Running in little spurts is how my friend started-and now she's running marathons! I'll send you some info on her in an email.

I've been putting my house back together after Christmas, returned my little bro's coat (and his cell phone) to my SIL today at the mall where we met (she got a make over from DD22 and then bought some stuff) and hanging out with my kids when they are around. OS is out working with some college buddies-cutting trees into firewood for an uncle of one of them (brrr) and DD25 is hanging out with friends before visiting her bio-family in Puyallup tomorrow.

It's very true that your WH is choosing not to see what is right in front of him-a wonderful wife who is full of love and God's grace. Your WH is in a "far country" and hasn't yet "come to his senses" like the Prodigal Son did in the parable in Luke 15. The thing to remember is your WH is God's prodigal, not yours. That's the best place to leave a WS anyway, in God's very capable hands.

Love ya'

Is it snowing up there?

What kinds of products did she buy?

Oh DD25 will be close to me kinda. LOL

I can't wait to see the pictures on your friend. She sounds amazing.

I am restless tonight. Want to go to a meeting, but I hate driving when it's snowing and I don't know how the roads are.

I am slowly trying to unpack the stuff in my car and that would be a little bit better use of my time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

First off I apologize for intruding here... but skinsgal, I've started from the beginning and I've been reading your posts and responses... there are now 59, wow! pages and I've not yet made it halfway through them... what I need is to borrow some of your supporters ;-) You seem to be getting a lot from them and I wish you the best!

johnstwin
mark1952
mimi
jamesus
sexymamabear

you've all given her such wonderful support and I could surely use some at this horrible time... I'd stay up and post more, but it's nearly midnight and I've gotta get to work tomorrow, please find my post tyia, SerenitySoon

I am so restless tonight and wish I could drink.

I can't get WH to draw into any conversation. He wanted to know what's going on with my son, and I told him I needed to talk to him on the phone about it. He didn't respond. He also didn't respond when I told him I wanted to use the camera for the alumni game this Saturday and asked him if he had gotten the message that I left regarding it.

I can't figure out why this camera is so flippin important to him, but you know, my M is way more important than any stupid thing.

I am just going to bring it down to him tomorrow and tell him that very thing. I was thinking of saying, it seemed really important to you to have the camera and what is important to you is important to me, so here you go?

I was pondering to say that maybe we could negotiate and little and ask him to come to the game and take pictures with my card and leave it with me so I could get copies made for us. What do you think? I imagine he will bring her and that is going to be awful, but what do you think?

I don't want this stupid camera between us anymore. I have the money to go get another one that's actually better, it just won't have the long lens that I love so much.

Since my mind is wandering, can I ask for a little help in remembering what my purpose and focus for doing Plan A with him is. I know this is about becoming the very best I can be because I want to. And in a way, not willing to fight over the camera is so NEW for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think I"ll go take a bath, light candles and some music and see if I can relax and pray for awhile. I'm sorry to be so needy tonight.

I'm not crying, feeling upset or lost. Just my focus seems to need a little attitude adjustment or reinforcement.

Thanks