Hi SG,

I hope the bath helps.

Are you sure about the camera? Is it causing tension or keeping the door open? Is he using it as a way to keep in contact with you?

As for remembering why you are doing this... you answered your own question earlier in this post.



I am reading a book that is giving me a whole new insight on spirituality, so I'll say my first prayer for you.

TMTS,

Haven't made it to the bath yet. I have NO IDEA what drives this camera. I really don't. It's like the one thing he knows I want and needs to control it.

It actually isn't causing tension. He just feels he is entitled to it. I pretty much got EVERYTHING when we moved, and this camera is like the ONE THING he wants to have in his possession. He lets me uses it when its convenient for him. He knows I really enjoy using it, which is funny because it wasn't always that way. I was afraid to use it, then I bought him a long lens and walaaa, I love it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He doesn't initiate contact with me to get it, I do to get it from him. Then we leave the door open to get it back. And he like wants it back immediately. He knew I was using it for the camp, and he knows there is an alumni game so why would he want it back?

I wish I could understand, but how do you understand the absolute craziness.

Since I am restless, I thought of something too. He has been on and off gmail all night long, staying on and never ever saying hi. In order to be online you don't need to be on gmail. Why does he need to be gmail but other to see if I am here. He is definetly the ugly WH.

I do know that it's a way of him keeping track of me and knowing when I am online, and has access to me when he wants. When I go to Plan B, I am blocking him so he won't be able to see me and vice versa.

Oh, Mimi, are you ready for my withdrawals then. LOL

Oh... I hadn't thought of the control issue. It sounds like he relishes that tiny bit of control he has left. Letting go of it and the control might be a good prelude to Plan B, but I would see what Mimi has to say about that.

On the other side is there a chance that this is H trying to reach out? If he really wanted it and wanted you completely out of his life, I would think that he would do all he could to either ignore or deny your requests to use it? (I know this might be out there).

I read your comment about how successful you are, and I can just shake my head in disbelief!

Read your thread from the beginning, than ask yourself that question again. The transformation is huge!!!

TMTS,

I finally got my bath, and I thought about what you just posted. You know what I believe Mimi would be telling me.

This is MY PLAN. Because my H is NOT THERE RIGHT NOW. I don't need to waste my precious love and time on a creature that is plain SICK and TOXIC.

My plan it to absolutely leave no doubt with m H that if he came home he would NEVER EVER questions again if he was number one or not. That is after G-d.

I need to stop worrying about what I do has this or that effect on him and just concentrate on knowing that I gave this everything I HAD and that if he chooses to not UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM, then it's his COMPLETE AND UTTER LOSS.

There is NO WAY that OW could EVER measure up to the depth of the love I carry in my heart for him. So he can have the camera and he will know when I give it back to him tomorrow it was because I recognized this camera was important to him and I want him to know that HE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON to ME.

So I'll just happen to drop by tomorrow with the camera and my card and comment that I hope he is able to make it to the game on Saturday and if he does, could he please take pictures with my card so I can take them and get copies for the both of us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

How's that Mimi?

How funny you say that, I just started doing that and am writing down the scriptures that everyone is giving me.

I'm not going to let G-d, myself or people on here down. I am going to reach for my Shepherd and give him my hand to keep pulling me forward.

And one day, TMTS, one day I will see it. For that I have no doubt.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You have given everything you have and then some. You will be able to be happy with the knowledge that you have no regrets because of it whether the fog lifts or not.

You're ability to love and to count on your faith for strength is remarkable. Welcome back from your will trip to despair town.

Good morning,

Naw, I haven't given everything I have YET. There is still more Plan A in me, but the door is starting to wabble. Not because I want to, but because I need to PROTECT my family and the LAWYER wants to make sure that I don't go too long without getting the finances taking care of.

Not remarkable, it's just who I am. That's how I KNOW that G-d has faith in me because he KNOWS I am capable of walking through this loving my H, facing all my demons, becoming the woman G-d envisions for me, and holding the space of my M so that G-d can work his miracles in my H.

The timing just isn't what I want.

It's good to be back. I hope I don't need to go there for a LONG time.

I think I'd just say, "There is a road to home when you're ready to take the first step." Or maybe not even say anything like that at all. I dunno. Since you're in Plan A right now this could be a good set up for your Plan B letter when you actually describe how to "take that first step on the road home."

Hopefully Mimi will be by to advise you better. JMHO.

Good morning Skins,

I hope your in a better space today.

Are you planning to give him the camera today? Remember your the Warrior Queen!

As for me, not so good. But those days happen.

Hi TMTS,

I think I am, I think I am.

Yes, I just came from there. I have been praying to G-d for a clear mind, calm heart and soft tongue.

He blessed me.

WH was shocked that I brought him the camera. I asked him if he had a moment to talk, he said actually no, I am busy.

Ok, well heres the camera (I handed it to him), and I as did I told him that it seemed that it was important to him to get the camera back and what is important to him is most important to me. He was taken aback for sure.

As I was handing him the camera he mentioned so the boys are playing tomorrow. I said yes. I asked him if he could do me a favor and take pictures with my card so I could go and get copies taken for the both of us. He agreed.

And as I handed him the card, I handed the anniversary card and wished him a Happy Anniversary. And got ready to leave.

He then asked me a question which I answered and said goodbye, and then he went into talking about what our DMS is up to that is causing him trouble. So I smiled to myself because remember he didn't have time to talk, and I followed him back to where he was and asked him what he was doing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We talked a little bit about his job, and I kept asking engaging questions to bring him out of his shell. I followed him in to where he was and that was very uncomfortable for him and he said he needed more light. I apologized and moved back, but he kept talking away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then he asked me about our son. I said, well, he is having trouble with his coach. He asked a few clarifying questions and then I went in for the kill. I said, MS is in a place where he has to be right at all cost. And since you helped me so much last time and offered such words of wisdom, I thought you could help me with this. I then went on to say, you know this really isn't my walk, its MS's journey, however as his mother I need to find a way to support him and that's where you need you, to help me figure out what I can do for him that doesn't get in his way.

DING... DING....DING... He just started talking and said that I had to find a way to reach him without him knowing it. I am just smiling to myself inside and outwardly I am sure. He said maybe you can try talking to him about being a coach and how he has had to reach a player that he struggled with. I have to admit, that was something I hadn't thought to do, and I totally jumped on that and told what a great idea that was. I really meant it to. And I thanked him, and I might have even thrown in I knew you could help me.

We got interrupted by a coworker who needed his help. It was interesting b/c WH knew he had the right answer and it turns out he didn't. He was huffing and puffing what he would do if something had happened and it turns out he was wrong. LOL....

After talking to the coworker and playing with his son, WH left to find out he was wrong and then came back and we continued our talk. He continued to work and I patiently watched him to what he was doing. Then he came back to our son and the need to be right and I just let him talk and I absorbed it ALL in.

I thanked him and asked him if he thought of anything else that we could go for a walk and talk. He somewhat agreed. Then I asked him about where he has started his inventory, he told me. I asked him how he thought he would do and went on to explain that if it turned out as bad as last year he would be fired.

We talked about how he had changed things, and then I grabbed his hand and told him I believed in him. He said he believed in himself too, and I said good. And while holding his hand, I pulled him close, kissed him on the lips and hugged him tightly.

Then we talked about if he got fired he commented that he knew my district was looking for maintenance guys. And then the last topic was for eye dr. insurance. I asked him what his was, he told me, and then he said why would I want to use his when my is so good. I said, well I got new glasses and am thinking of getting contacts. Then I asked him if he noticed my new glasses, he said yes a few weeks ago. I said, why didn' you say anything? He didn't respond, I got well a girl likes to know that you notices things, and flirtingly said, a wife likes to know these things. He just looked down.

I told him I was looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and asked him if he could come over Sunday or Monday for the car. He said yes. He also asked if my son was mad at him for what happened at the last tournament, bringing her, because he isn't returning phone calls. I reiterated what I have said all along. His relationship with the kids is his, not mine and I don't interfere.

I chose to wear professional classy look. I have been showing off my new figure and decided to go more subdued and classy. He noticed a necklace I was wearing and asked mentioned that I have had it for a long time. I told him it was his mothers. He knew that, but I think was testing me. I wore it proudly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I decided not to leave a note on his car as I have been doing the last few times I was there. Maybe he might be expecting it and I want to let him feel a slight disappointment, I can only hope. Not in my hands.

So, how did I do? Did I miss any opportunity.

Queenie

I'm just a newbie as well, but that just made my day! Is it just me or maybe we were on to something about the camera... he knew that it would keep you comming back. Well now that's gone, so could he be thinking that you're moving away from him a little. Could he be feeling some fear that this is becoming all too real? First his S now this...what's next?

Looks like a well executed plan to me.

I just received this and want to pass it on to all of you.

Each and everyone one of us are going through tough times right now, but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can. Keep the faith.

My instructions were to pick four
people that I wanted God to bless, and I picked you. Please pass this to at least (4) people you w ant to be blessed and a copy back to me. I am passing it on to all of you in the hopes that this will help you smile today and feel the love G-d has for you.

This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards. Let's continue to pray for one another.


The prayer:

Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and those that I care deeply for, who are reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of Your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace. Where there is need, I ask you to fulfill their needs. Bless their homes, families, finances, their goings and their comings. Amen.

Thanks so much Skins, I really needed that today. It brought a tear to my eye.

Bless you and your family (Including your H)as well

Hey TMTS,

I have NO IDEA what is going on in his head. NONE. I don't know what he is thinking, I don't know what he WANTS. I would venture to say HE DOESN'T KNOW.

What significance the camera holds for him, no idea. But what it held for me was the new me to release something that is obviously important for him. I could ask for it back when I need it, but the truth is I will be in Plan B by then and have a new camera and won't need it.

I still can NOT imagine my life without him. I can bear that thought. But G-d needs me to move forward to keep working hard to heal and recover, so I can receive his blessings.

When I held is hand for a moment, I felt a tiny squeeze. MY H exists so deep inside and I just have to keep my FAITH that G-d will find a way to bring him home.

Each day I get closer to Plan B and becoming completely dark. Each day I ask G-d to take my hand and pull me towards his light. Each day my love for MY H grows deeper and deeper.

Has anyone heard the new REO Speedwagon CD. I will get the lyrics. It really is fitting for what is going on in my life.

Hey TMTS, what is S? Then I can answer the question.

I'm off to look at new cameras.

As for a well executed plan. I need Mimi and the others to let me know if I did ok. I don't assume anything right now. I do know I am doing what I can, when I can and it's totally in G-ds hands because remember, Plan A is about US being the BEST we want to be for us and NO ONE ELSE.

Right?

Hey TMTS,

I'll be back in a little while and we can chat more. What are you doing for yourself right now?

PS Tears are good, it's the souls way of cleansing yourself.

Skins,

You did great. When you go to Plan B, his only thoughts are going to be of how wonderful you have been.

Keep up the good work. You have more patience than I did.

When is Plan B anyway??

Hi Skins, S is for Son - I should have used MS.

Right now I'm hanging out with my family at my brother's house. I'm playing nintendo with the kids. Also I'm reading a book called eat,pray,love. It's about this woman's spiritual journey. Very enlightning.

YOU ARE THE PLAN A QUEEN!!! I am WOWed by YOU!!

Back later...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Oh Mimi, thank you. I don't think it's true, but thank you.

And GET THIS. Get what I have back in my possession. The CAMERA.

LOL

He called me around 4:30 and just sounded exhausted. He said he was just getting off work and said he wasn't going to be able to make it to the game tomorrow. First I said, I was thinking about how your day was going and was going to contact you tonight to see how it went. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Then I said, oh bummer, who come, he said he had errands. I pressed him and it turns out he needs to go GET firewood so they don't freeze.

He paused for something, I have NO IDEA, waiting to hear if I would make a snide remark. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I just said oh darn. And then I realized what he was saying that he wouldn't be able to take pictures. I immediately thanked him so much for thinking of me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> He said that he could give the camera to DD, but I wanted to talk to him longer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, so I keep brainstorming what would work. Finally we agreed that we could meet up on his way home and I could get the camera from him then.

I thanked him very much again for thinking of me and told I would see him in a little while. I was so easy going and flexible and loving. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So, let's think about this. I'm sorry I have to. I show up down at work today, all loving, making my comittment to him that he is number #1 in my life by bringing what seems to be the most single important thing to him, out of everything we had, bringing it to him and telling him that what he wants means more to me than my desires. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Ok, not exactly like that, but the jist.

I kiss him, leave him with a very nice but tasteful anniversary card telling him there is a road home when he is ready to take the first step, and have made plans to see each other over the weekend. Indirectly of course.

He works a LONG DAY that I KNOW he is TIRED and grouchy and his OW is preventing him from seeing his kids. She might not have said that, but the mere fact that he has 4 days off, and has to go TOMORROW and miss his kids game in my book would be a LB? Anyone else think so? Also, I know when my H is this tired he likes to be left alone. There she is all day long waiting for him to get home and will want attention. Hopefully she hasn't figured that out that he needs to be left alone, but she bothers him and pisses him off more. I can only hope.

Being the student of the best, Miss Mimi, I am not about to let any opportunity that I can go to waste. So, when we hooked up I comforted him quickly on his long day, said what a bummer that he can't make it (this will be the only year the boys play on the same team as teammates and he has to MISS IT for firewood that he probably knew he needed to get a while ago). And then I reached out and touched his face and told him that I would miss him tomorrow. He mentioned that he would try and make it, I said, that would be wonderful.

Then he quickly said I gotta get go and as he left, told me he fully charged the camera. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

G-d is one generous spirit to me right now. I can't believe I have the camera back. LOL. How funny is that. Now we will have to exchange again and I can be as generous as he needs me to be.

So, just a little thought. What are the chances he read the anniversary card? I know it doesn't matter, but it does to me. Maybe one day not, but today it does.

As for Plan B, Mimi is directing me to when that takes place and my LSA is handled and finished so he can't play any games with me.

Mimi,

Tell me where I am off and missing any opportunities so I can keep learning and moving forward to Plan B.

I'm off to Alanon and AA and then will be back. I hope you all are having a nice evening.

Shabbat Shalom,