Hi Skins,

I've used Jennifer several times and like her. I don't know if Steve does this, but Jennifer had me write two letters expressing how I wanted to create a new life using MB concepts, although we didn't call them "MB" concepts. We just used the terms of radical honesty, mutual respect etc.

I however, ended up in Plan B anyway, but maybe he'll pull them out and read them over someday and decide that it is worth trying again. Hopefully I'll still be around at that point.

Mimi,

For you in the beginning was there things that brought joy to your life?

You know, it finally dawned on me what is causing this struggle so bad. Priod to D-day, I had what I considered total and complete life. However it was without G-d and therefore self destructing.

But I found enjoyment in almost everything I did. I quilted, I have many friends, I was a mom, a wife. I got to do all things. What I'm trying to say is there there is NOTHING in life that brings me enjoyment. It's hollow and empty without my H. And I am so angry at myself because I didn't even realize how much I loved and needed my H. I got exercise, I raise my kids, I go to work, I do this I do that, but NONE of it brings me joy. I just EXIST.

Please be patient with me. I really am trying to learn and move forward I just need to be honest and figure out how to get passed this. OK...

Thanks Chai,

I actually spoke with Steve this summer and really enjoyed our talk. He gave me a suggestion to get my H to do something, but he wouldn't do it. I didn't have the money to call back and see what is next. But I am on Monday.

So who is it that you LOVE? Do you LOVE the man who doesn't let his emotions out and survived on what you did, etc?

In my old life, I FAILED on not ACCEPTING my H for who he was. I wanted him to be who I wanted him to be. Do I hear that in what you are saying?

It is disrespectful for you to say that his way of dealing with emotions is not OK and your way is the RIGHT way.

The man you are dealing with now is WAYWARD SPOUSE. This is not the man who will be coming home. If your H comes home, he will be a BROKEN MAN, seeking your assistance in putting himself back together again..but basically, EMOTIONALLY, HE will be the SAME PERSON that he was before the affair..YOUR RELATIONSHIP will be NEW..but not HIM...


THIS IS YOUR MAJOR TASK!! Answering this question will provide your armor. If you are concerned about your weight, work on that. I worked out every day..still do...You can lose more weight as you well know...

If you don't think you are PRETTY, how can you work on that? New glasses, new outfits? I don't know. Whatever it takes..

But I don't buy that you are not PRETTY. Remember, PRETTY is as PRETTY does. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! You just have to BELIEVE IT..THAT IS YOUR GOAL!!



Well, that is a BIG FAT LIE that you are telling yourself...but of course, you want your H and he can definitely FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU AGAIN!! Ask Steve. He will explain it to you better than I can.



Yes. It's about continuing to work on your self-esteem and I betcha it's been really damaged by your weight issues over the years.

We want you to get to the place of realizing that HE IS THE LOSER..if he chooses to continue in a relationship with a CRACK HO...

You are not competing with HER...She is not even in your universe...

LET'S REALLY MAKE A NEW YOU...

STEP ON OUT, QUEENIE!!

Ok, my moment of weakness is starting to leave. Not there yet, but fading...

Let me be completely honest with myself. I am absolutely scared to not have a man in my life because I want someone to love. That is partly was drives me. SF is my number one EN and it has not been met for probably my whole married life for whatever reason, I couldn't tell you. But at least I was held by him and had his friendship and I just learned to deal with it. So, I think that being afraid that I will never love again is HUGE for me right now.

As for what brings me joy, being a part of my kids lacrosse life brings me joy. Going out to the bars with my friends was fun. Going to AA meetings keeps me occupied. Laying out in the summer brings me joy. I like to go to fake and bake because I look healthier. I LOVE MY REDSKINS.

It's the nights that are the worst because I am so LONELY. And it kills me deep inside to my core that he is sleeping with someone while I lay in bed night after night crying myself to sleep because I just want to be held and cuddled. Adn then I wake up in the middle of the night, every night and reach for him and he isn't there. NO ONE is.

SG, first, revel in the love you have for your Lord. Then pray that your H will return. In another post I mentioned the power of going on the "Walk to Emmaus" If you don't know what it is, it is a 72 hour , pretty much cloistered event where you are face to face with your beliefs. It is
supposed to be geared to strengthen churches which would lead "me" to believe I didn't fit the agenda. However, my H preceded me and I attended.....I knew after I was dismissed that I was so loved by God, and by my family that was there at candlelight, and by the women who sat at my Table for 72 hrs,. It was awesome...SG, attend one of these Walks. You will have the knowledge of Clergy and Laypersons at your disposal and you will be able to call on them once you enter your 4Th days.; They will forever be your brothers and sisters in Christ as well as your church
people. This a non-denimontional event. I just think everyone should go...cause if you don't know our Lord, you will when you leave. just go online and search Emmaus Communities in your area and you will find true friends,

In Christ...GF

There's parts that I'm not saying 'cause I'm so busy trying to encourage you.

You have been TRAUMATIZED by this. You have been WOUNDED. That's why you are feeling NO JOY now and you did before..before you had not discovered your H's utter betrayal.

With my limited words and time, it sounds like I'm not being empathetic..but I didn't want to live without my H..didn't know how to live without my H...

But I came to the point of realizing that ACTIVITY was the only solution. Agonizing over his LOSS was getting me nowhere...

So you have to HEAL from this TRAUMA and the LOSS and it will take years..it has taken me years...so I understand your pain tonight...really do...there were many weekends during which I stayed awake each night...he left on Friday and came home on Sunday evenings...YUCK..now he's in there SNORING.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think this is NORMAL for a BS. I never stopped waking up in the middle of the night and woke up each morning with him baing the first thing on my mind.

You still have love for your husband, Queenie, and he is gone. He can return but FOR NOW, he is GONE.

Grieving is what you are doing. NORMAL GRIEVING...

You are suffering from this trauma and that's why you have to begin to focus on your own healing.

You are so smart Mimi,


At one time I would say yes. But NO, I absolutely accept who he is. I accept him because I love him. I disrespected him because I wanted him to be someone he wasn't. All I really wanted him to be was himself, he just wouldn't tell me who that was so I could get to know him? See what I mean.


That's all I want is him. I KNOW the hurts he has lived through in his childhood. I don't want to fix him, I want to be a wife to him that is G-d driven. I want to be the wife that G-d wants me to be for HIM. If there is one thing that I have learned, it's the things I hated most about him are what I miss the most. How he eats, how he chews at his fingers, how he gets lost because he has no sense of direction.

How can I explain there is a precious little boy inside his body that is being destroyed by the choices the adult body is making. I just pray for the chance to walk through with my H and love him as he develops his own relationship with G-d. I don't want him to be someone he isn't. Not anymore. I did and I fought for years to make him different, but I MISS HIM. Who he was... Not what I want him to be. See what I mean?



Without a doubt, this is essential for my survival in life and recovery. I am working on my weight, I totally haven't given up. I exercise more regularly and am running. I still am making good healthy choices for food, but after that it's left in G-ds hands. I just got new glasses <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and that's one of the reasons I go to fake and bake because I look better with a tan.


I promise, I will keep working on this. If I had to pick one thing that is beautiful about me it would be my eyes. They are dark brown and full of life and love. H called me Bright Eyes and they are. They sparkle with life. Just not at night.

I think I should send you a picture so you see what I mean that I am not pretty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will ask Steve for all I can do to accomplish this. And yes, more than anything else in this world I want it to be my H.

I have never had any self worth or self-esteem. My parents didn't even want me. WH was the first guy to pay attention to me and we both just got married because we were afraid to be alone and think there was someone else. Sad but true. However, somewhere along the line I fell completely in love with this man.


Will you help me please, I don't know how to do this? I know it seems amazing, but I really don't.

And like you said today, maybe your nightmare was just a sympton of the trauma that you experienced and like James said it was just a moment for you to remember where you were but relish where you are now and how far you have come.

NEVER, do I think you are abrupt or empathetic. I know you suffered deep pains. I remember reading your posts from the beginning and thinking to myself you sound just like me. I imagine going to those places of feelings would be so hard for you and I don't want to bring you any pain or hurt. What you are giving me is HOPE and TIME and I really appreciate it. You are a gift from G-d. Please KNOW THIS.

I know you know what I am going through. And I'm sorry you had to hurt like this as well. In fact, I hurt for every last person on here who feels this. This experience has made me way more sensitive to people who have suffered this. And one day, the healing will be there. And I know it takes TIME. TIME - my best friend and my best enemy. Kinda like my H/WH.

Mimi, you are the best. You have touched my life and make me feel like I was something that mattered and deserved good things. I don't normally feel that way about myself.

Thank you...

GF,

What a nice suggestion. While it's non denominational, I can't do the Jesus thing though. I would be lying to myself if I said I thought he was the son of G-d.

So do they talk about Jesus mostly?

I'll help you as best I can.

Our issues are so similar..

Is there something you always wanted to learn how to do?

What about your profession? Are you satisfied with that?

I'll check with you tomorrow.

Focus on decorating YOUR APT. in YOUR STYLE...make it ALMOST PERFECTLY YOURS...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thank you...

I know that's why I trust you so much because you were there and are on the other side. One day, I will get to help someone who is like us and we will have that healing to share together.

Not really, I always did what I wanted. I lived my life with no regrets until this. However, a suggestion was made me to me to look into learning how to coach girls lacrosse and become a lacrosse coach for our team. That intrigues me.

I absolutely LOVE my job. I am the heart and soul of my school.

I look foward to it.

I have decorated it for the most part. I am not happy with the boys bathroom, and want to make it into a lighthouse theme, so I will start thinking of ideas.

Thanks Mimi. Sleep well and may it be a night of magnificent dreams.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good morning Skins,

I hope you feel a little better this morning because I certainly do. I cried for half an hour last night after I read your quote, as it expressed what I am feeling these days... NO ONE IS THERE.

I could feel your pain as well as my own and I find it remarkable that you so the strength you do.

I will meditate and pray for all of us to make it through our journey safe and happy.

Hey Queenie!

What's the plans for today?

TMTS,

Thanks, I could use those prayers right now. I had a night full of nightmares and haven't slept much.

I am so sorry you are hurting as well. What are you doing for yourself today?

Hi Bugs,

Well I am cleaning my bedroom and watching my Skins beat the Cowboys. Making a dinner of some kind for the boys and probably going to a AA meeting.

What are you doing? I am going to pop over and see how you are doing.

Today I go back home to face the WW. More importanly though we are celabrating my YDD's 8th brithday, and the whole family will be here except for my WW. Il's are comming aunts, uncles, cousins.

So I got to get a grip of myself and be ready to Plan a my A$$ off when I get home.

She was talking to her best friend yesterday and ger told that shw was sad about spending the Christmas season by herself. I just hope that it that saddness will stay within her and help clear he fog.

I prayed for your happiness this morning, with the amount of strength you have shiwn, you deserve it!

TMTS,

I'm not there yet, but I'm still tired and want to sleep for a little longer. Football coverage doesn't start for another hour and a half.

Since you have been praying, why don't you pray to G-d to give you strength and perserverance to get through this with your WW.

Remember what Mimi and everyone else says, Plan A is about making those changes in you that you wanted to change. It's about given the WW an example of what life could be like if she were to come home. It's having a Plan and knowing what you want to do. In a way I am finding it's about purpose and focus. Someone please correct me if I am wrong.

So, when you meet up with her, what changes have you made that shows you are a different person, not for her, but for you?

For me, I don't carry that chaos and anger inside my life anymore. It's just not a part of me. And so, that's part of why Plan A is so easy. Because all these changes in me or becoming the person G-d intended. When I was with my H, our relationship changed me into someone that was insane. He played mind games with me constantly not to mention the problem that drove him to the A still exists. He is completely UNHAPPY in his life and it's so obvious he is using her to get a fix that will stop him from having to look at himself and those DEEP DEMONS that exist inside him. The sad part is he runs a GOOD STORY and RACKET and has lied to HIMSELF for years. He needed me to make him happy like I NEEDED HIM to make ME HAPPY. And that is a losing equation. It's not my job to make him happy, just like it wasn't his to make me happy. The only way to total happiness is having G-d as the central spirit.

My relationship with G-d daily is what I seek out most. I know it's only having him guide me will my M really ever stand a chance of recovery. Am I HAPPY, NO WAY. I exist right now. As it sounds like you are.

BUT we are heading in the right direction and doing what will get us through that, having FAITH in G-d, working our life for him and just waking up and getting out of bed right now.

It's funny, I just got this thought. Mimi told me last night that I was getting my H to fall in love with me again. Maybe the part I am resisting in grasping that is I DON'T LIKE this WS and really don't LOVE HIM. I think Plan A is becoming who you really are and that you are trying to reach the S that you fell in love with and married.

I pray for you that the path G-d has for you and me will be an easy one today.

One idea, at night when I am crying myself to sleep, I grab my Tanakh, which is my bible and I hold it and talk to G-d. And I don't let go.

Do you watch football?

Thanks Skins, your words are uplifting.

As for football, I'll watch the palyoffs but that's about it. Too slow for my liking, I'm more of a Hockey, Basketball fan... and then there's NASCAR.

Just thought of something funny... I say that football is to slow for my liking, but the only sports I still participate in are golf and curling. There's not much slower than that.

No, there isn't much slower than golf and curling.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you know lacrosse?