I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU. MAZEL TOV, I am happy for ALL OF YOU. Mimi, do you realize how you are getting to experience a MIRACLE of how G-d allows hurts and then heals us. You so deserve this HAPPINESS and JOY.

Yes, G-d is GREAT. I'm hanging on to you girl and BELEVING what you are telling me.

You are the BEST, MIMI and deserve all the BLESSINGS that G-d has in store for you. Today is just one more blessing to come in a life full of them.

Thank you for sharing that with me. I am touched and grateful that you did. It gives me more hope that one day it will be ok, whatever that will look like.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What's MIRACULOUS and a MESSAGE from GOD is that this happened TONIGHT!!

All in G-ds time isn't it.

He has a PLAN and knows exactly the timing that makes it perfect.

I am so HAPPY for you.

Hi Queenie-

Wow! I've been keeping up now and then on your thread and I just gotta say: Wow! You have grown soooo much in just the last week... It's really amazing when God leads our journey how He shapes us and changes us, and then lets us have little glimpses of what He's been doing and how He sees us.

Woohoo! You made my day.

At the risk of not seeing what you do, can you help me with what the growth is?

How are YOU? What did you do this weekend, what are you doing tomorrow?

I MISS YOU.

Skinsgal - I have been gone for 4 days and not on the site at all. I have been trying to read all of your posts and WOW! You seem to be doing great. You have grown so much. I had a fantastic weekend away with my two sons and now I am home and so sad. Reality of being back and WH not being here. I understand what you mean about having that someone there beside you. Makes me very sad.

You are a strong woman. Wish I was, but am not feeling it right now.

I will keep reading!!

Hi Zorro,

I'm sorry you are sad. What can I do to help? I am here and have to stay up for a few more hours. YS wanted to go to a friend's house and I have to go get him.

It is hard and it's lonely. What are do you do to take care of yourself?

If you don't mind feeing my soul, help me to see what you mean by the growth. I don't recognize it at all. I just feel like I have had one pity party for a long time now.

Hmmmm-let me see if I can brief:

First, you are reaching out to others, offering support and encouragement. God is already using your experience to help others.

Second, you are "getting" it. You realize that you are a fantastic woman and that your WH is nuts to not realize the treasure he has in you. But you also realize that your WH is sick, he is in an addiction. You realize that his A isn't really about you.

Finally, you are recognizing God's hand in this and it's not like it's a big deal. Rather, it is completely natural that God is working. That shows how much your faith has grown. You see His hand and you trust that He will continue to work. It's not a "surprise". I think that's the biggest miracle of faith. The more we trust, the more control we give away and the more God can work.

I'm going to visit my sister in Kitsap County on New Years, but after that, I'm just painting my living room.Actually, I think my OS will be painting it, since I paid his phone bill. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I miss you too! When do you go back to work? We should meet again. Email me.

Thank you, that helps to read what you are saying so I can internalize it. I still have that stinkin thinkin.

And do you know what the turning point was. Truly. A stupid soccer game and firewood. I couldn't imagine choosing a soccer game over my children and missing something important in their life.

And I KNOW that my HUSBAND, would NEVER had done that EITHER. But this WH said, I am tired of putting others first and want to put myself first. And I realized, WH, you missed out on something that won't happen for years if ever again.

Yes, I see the hand of G-d in all of this. G-d keeps guiding to becoming the one who is healing and tackling MYSELF and LEARNING about MYSELF even when I don't want to. The downs are so still there, and they still last a long time, but I have G-D, no MATTER what. And there is NO ONE, NO ONE who can take G-d away from me. He is with me always and forgives me and loves ME.

I STILL BELIEVE with all my heart that my HUBBY is meant to be with me. I STILL have FAITH that one day he will come home to be my H. I just have to wait on the LORD and let him do what it is he is doing.

Another thing I realized tonight and I could be totally wrong, but this WH is AFRAID of me. If nothing else, my H knows how much the Redskins winning tonight would have meant to me. And the mere fact that WH couldn't even respond to a text or a email just keeps confirming how sick he is and needs G-d so much.

I made a vow to G-d over the weekend. I wouldn't kill myself until after I got the kids all grown up and on their own. That gives G-d 3 1/2 years to work some more blessings in my life and heal me.

The pain is still unbearable. And so is the loneliness, but I can cuddle with G-d at night and pray for this too shall pass over and over again until it does. And ultimately it does. Maybe not immediately but at one point.

And the LOVE I have for my H. It's so deep inside of me it's a part of me as I breathe. I am NOT ready to see us in any other kind of relationship but M, however, I have FAITH that G-d knows what is best for ME. And I can face G-d today and say I am good enough to receive his blessings.

So, I continue to pray to be of service to G-d and hold his hand and let him lead me. F

And for those of you who talk to me on here, I am so grateful and promise I will heal one day and we can look back on this time and hear a bell ring, saying this work shall be done. Not ALL work, but his work of healing from this experience. Does that make sense?

What color are you painting. The phone bill must have been very high?

I need to hear you say RIGHT NOW that you will NEVER KILL YOURSELF!!

I think that is a very EVIL thing for someone to do.

You have the right to WANT TO DIE but to be planning to kill yourself is SELFISH.

IT WOULD DESTROY YOUR CHILDREN'S LIVES..NOTHING IS WORTH THAT!

Absolutely that makes sense. God's work isn't done until the day we go home to be with Him. And your kids will always need you. My mom still misses her dad, and he didn't go home to be with the Lord until he was 101. God has amazing things planned for you.

Jer. 29:11

"I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord God Almighty. "Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

Another way that I can see your growth is your statement that you can face God today and say that you are good enough to receive His blessings. He is so happy to bestow those on you and thrilled that you recognize that.

Well, the phone bill wasn't too high, but it was for a college kid. And my living room isn't very big. The color is a dusty lavender. My DDs picked it to go with a color in the carpet. It will make the wooden book cases stand out more and make the room "warmer". At least, that's what the girls tell me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I guess I HADN'T looked at it THAT WAY. I certainly don't want to be SELFISH. G-d knows I have behaved enough of that in MY LIFE.

I don't want to destroy my children. But Mimi, did you ever think that if you weren't here your WH would shake himself up and the H would come back and be the father your kids needed?

Growing up, my parents pitted me and my sister against each other. My parents we them against us. I was raised to believe that your marriage is way more important than your children. Because it's your marriage that shows your children what is good in life, stability, family, etc.

There is a part of me, when I am really down and at my lowest, that is mortified that I failed my H so bad. And my kids are suffering because he isn't in their life. If me being gone would make my children's life better by it affecting my WH so much he comes back to the man he was. I just think that is just as selfless. Do you see what I mean.

I know there are NO gaurantees that would happen and like I said, I promised G-d this weekend, that I won't do anything until I get my kids grown up and gone. Here's the thing. I imagine that in 3 1/2 years I am going to be an entirely different person. And that won't even be an option for me.

Somehow though, this pain is taking me to a point of exhaustion and debilitation and I need to really come up with some defense mechanisms to get me through that.

BUT I PROMISE I WILL NOT KILL MYSELF.

Better?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I love it when you give me scripture. It calms my soul deeply. Like Psalm 23 and your bracelet. It restores my soul. And like as the prayers says - the soul you have given me is a pure one.

Going through this horrible experience allowed me the opportunity to cleanse my soul and be able to face G-d. I wasn't able to do that before.

Queenie

Isn't it amazing how God's word calms us down and still speaks to us today. I love that.

I am so glad you made that clear-about the 3 1/2 years. I completely agree. In 3 1/2 years you will be a completely different person. And God has plans for that woman no matter what happens with your WH.

I don't think that any WS would suddenly "snap out of it" if something happens to the BS. Mine didn't. Instead, he left his kids to help their mom deal with cancer and chemo while he pursued his A again. In the end he lost so much. He lost his kids' respect whereas I can proudly say that I am listed as their first "hero" on their MySpace pages. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OH JT,

Thank you for reminding me of that. You are one hero in my eyes as well.

And you are right. 3 1/2 years is a long time to me. Look where I have come and you have come in such a short time.

Look where our lives are heading. Actually we don't know, but we are on a journey that is full of G-ds blessings. Ultimately we are the lucky ones.

Our S, well they are the ones missing out on love, life and the kind of joy that only comes from G-d' blessings.

JT,

I love to get your scriptures and then check them out in my Tanankh. It helps me to read things sometimes differently but have them be as impactful.


My Tanakh says it this way - For I am mindful of the plans I have made concerning you - declares the Lord - plans for your welfar, not for disaster, to give you a hopeful future.

Jer 29:12 When you call Me, and come and pray to Me, I will give heed to you.

Jer 29:13 You will search for Me and find Me, if only you seek Me wholeheartedly.

Jer 29:14 I will be at hand for you - declares the Lord - and I will restore your fortunes.

I have to be honest. I hope my restoration of fortunes is my M. That is the most precious thing I have.

On a simpler note: I am a rock n' roll girl. Can you imagine that. My fav's are Pink Floyd, Yes, Rush and Styx. REO Speedwagon just came out with a new album or at least I just saw it. Get these lyrics on the new CD I just bought.

Find your own way home
I need love, like water
I need truth to soak me to the bone
I need my friends all around me now
'cause I'm not doing real well when I'm alone
You see, my best friend, at lest I thought she was
Has found herself a new friend back at home
I'm drifting here on what's left of my heart
And my spirit is floating like a stone
Now my faith is an illusion
My dreams some passing ship
I'm reaching out for answers
But I'm losing my grip
So tell me, are you gonna go the distance
Step into the cold hard rain
Are you gonna keep fightin through
And come back again
I'll forgive your trespasses
Ask your mercy for my own
I've gone as far as I can go
Now it's up to you to find your own way home
I need time, but there is no time
My emotions have dipped into the red
And this vision that I just can't wash away
Is tearing at my head
And I believe in redemption
There is hope for every soul
But I can't wait forever for a miracle
Some days I feel like letting go
I've hung on for so long
Do I need to walk away
To see how it feels when I'm gone
Find your own way home

And the other song: I Needed to Fall
So close to given up
Never been before so broken
Can I hold on long enough
Are there wrods yet left unspoken
Can I rise above this burning sea
Or am I human after all
Maybe I'm just high thatn a man should be
Maybe I needed to fall
I needed to fall, and come back stronger
I needed to crawl to find my way
And I preay we can look back on it all
Knowing that I neded to fall in love with you
So tired of living up
To an image laid upon me
Can I ever be enough
It all seems so far beyond me
And I take this weight upon my shoulders
While I appear to stand so tall
Thinking I can carry the world forever
Maybe I needed to fall
There is just so much a man can bare
Until he starts to find it hard to care
And baby, I'm almost there
I needed to to fall, and come back stronger.

These songs are resonating with me very deeply and I love the tunes which really help. If you are an REO fan I suggest this CD very much so.

Hi Skins,

I hope you got that thought out of your mind. Please give yourself more credit for what you bring here. You are open and honest, considerate of others feelings and beliefs, but mostly you seem to have genuine caring feelings in your heart.

We need to keep in mind that they are the problem, and they will not grow so long as they are in the fog. As for us we grow daily and will keep growing.

Let's all hope and pray that our 2008 year will end up better than how 2007 ended. I hop that we will be able to have a chat at this time next year, but instead of talking about desperation, we talk about how our recoveries are going.

TMTS,

I do honestly care about the people on here. In many ways, some of you have become a part of my life and my family. I don't have much family and you all have been here through the darkest time in my life. My "real" friends and family are just upset with me because they want me to leave my M.

I believe that the help we are getting on here is to give away to others as it is so freely given to us. We are to carry the message to others who are suffering and be their hope like Mimi, JT, Smartie, Bugs, Mark, etc are for me and those for you. We are truly blessed.

I made a vow to G-d that I wouldn't do anything until my children were raised and on their own which is at least 3 1/2 years from now. I would imagine that 3 1/2 years from now, me and YOU will be completely different people, healed in ways what we can't begin to imagine.

So can I promise G-d I won't kill myself ever. NO, but I can promise to not have it be a reality for a LONG LONG Time and I will leave the REST UP to HIM.

My life is in his hands. My soul is in his keeping, morning, noon and night. I think this is said at a Shabbat service. I can't believe I could think this one up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have a HARD time remembering they are the problem. When that WH babble starts going or I see how "happy" he is, it makes me think I am crazy? That I was totally the problem and now that he is away from me, he is finally happy. But then I think about how he went to HIS OWN soccer game instead of WATCHING HIS CHILDREN and I realize how sick he truly is. It's almost like someone who is in the late stages of alzheimers. Who they were once is unrecognizable and who they are now is nothing of who they were. The only blessing is THEY CAN COME BACK AGAIN. THEY JUST NEED TO FALL. And G-d is working hard on their side of the street to help them fall. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So we could take comfort that G-d is working hard for us.

I personally think that we should all meet and take a MB cruise somewhere? Wouldn't that be so fun to do? Whose up for it?

I love cruises. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Queenie,

You have come very, very far and are doing really, really, well.

Yet,,you have me worried. Never ever is suicide an option for a woman of faith. Not now, not ever. As Mimi says, it is the ultimate selfish act. AND, it is you saying that YOU know better than God, which I KNOW you do not believe. I worry about you writing that it is still a thought for you. Please, please do not allow yourself to even entertain this thought as an option EVER!

Even at the lowest of times in our lives when we feel it would be 'easier', God is there with us. We need only to give it over to Him and He will see us through. You've done that already. Keep it going, knowing that taking the choice for our lives out of His hands is not for us.

You know that now or 10 years from now, there are lots more fabulous cruises in your future!!

I've never been on a cruise. How many have you taken and where did you go?

Bugs,

Ok. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Today, I can make the promise that I will raise my kids and get them out on their own and that's as far as I can go today. But remember, that's at least 3 1/2 years away and a whole lot will change. I can't say forever on anything so I am playing a mind game with myself so that I don't feel so out there all alone. Does that make sense?

Would you like to go on a cruise? Like Mimi suggested, maybe a Disney cruise.

I did go once, it was an amazing trip with H. We went to Carribean and had an incredible time.

The sun if FINALLY out and my spirits have lifted a bit. It's a hard day for me, because tomorrow is my anniversary and everyone celebrates that moment at midnight.

Remind me again that there is healing around the corner for us and one day when the sun shines the hurt won't be so exposed and deep?

G-d is really working something huge out in us and one day we are going to be OK and HAPPY? I wish you the happiest this year and hope that the blessings G-d has for you begin to happen.

Mimi, I emailed the Harley's for an appt next week. I'll keep you posted.