So you aren't sleeping all night? I remember those days.

NO. I wake up just about every 2 hours.

How long did it last?

Mine went on and on until I started taking anti-D's. I could go to sleep okay, but then woke up in the middle of the night - for 100's of nights.

I'm doing ok, glad the day is over so I can get back to working on me. I've been doing half the running I usually do and haven't done any kind of strength work out in one and a half weeks. I've also got allot of reading to catch up on. So back to working on me.

I do still hurt in the pit of my stomach, and the blizzard continues, but at least I'm doing it with a smile on my face.

She is very much conflicted because she got tears come up when we said Happy New Year. I really don't know what to make of her behavior tonight. One minute she's in a brawl with ODD, next she crying on my shoulder telling me I shouldn't be this nice, to going bowling, playing a board game then skipping next door as soon as she could. What a mess!

Yeah, same with me on the sleepless night. I fall asleep very easily. However, if I wake up too much during the night then I have nightmares. And those scare me. I hate sleeping alone.

TMTS,

I gotta ask. She is smoking pot? Does she have an addiction problem? Remember this A is an addiction. So, could she be using and it be a concern?

See your making me think again... LOL

It's something I need to keep under consideration because she has been using more since D-day. Before that she would join in with me but could take it or leave it, but now with her 'real' stress levels heightened I guess that it's very much a possibility. That being said at this point I don't think she is, but the only measuring stick I have is me, and I was in pretty deep. Daily, and two - four per day on the weekend. She is doing it two - three times per week now, but had gone down to once every couple of weeks after I quit.

I really need to keep an eye on this aspect, see if she is getting worse. But like all addictions it's something that she must realize herself, no matter what she would tell me about our finances, or the fact that it was helping me withdraw, I didn't listen. It was only when I realized that I had a problem that my mind was free enough to make the decision to stop.

If there is one thing I can remember as good in 2007 it’s the fact that I did finally stop smoking pot. I’ve had a couple of relapses (Genesis, and a couple during Christmas time), but the big difference is that I don’t wake up thinking about when I will have my next one. The second thing is talking with my Father about his past (FWH) and letting go of the repressed pain that that caused.

Pot was my drug of choice. I woke up and smoked many bong hits before I even got out of bed. I stole for it, cheated people for it and did so much that wasn't characteristic of me.

The thing about addictions and somehow I am going to have to figure out a way to say this to WH is, and I think it was Mimi maybe someone else, but when the behavior becomes destructive to those you love, you MIGHT have a problem.

She is for sure drug affected and therefore some of the edginess etc that you are noticing could be the need for the drug as well. Vets, please correct me here if I am wrong.

It's been so long since I got high, but I tell ya. I sure wouldn't mind it to waste me away. The problem is... one hit is to many and a thousand wouldn't be enough. I have no doubt I would end up DEAD if I drank or used again. I miss it and G-d knows I want to escape right now, but I might as well take a gun and shoot my brains out because that's what drinking and drugging would get me.

Skins,

I haven't posted to you in a long time. This whole week has been a stinky week for me as well. I have backslided so much that sometimes I don't feel I can get back to a place of peace.

Sleep I have the same problem, can fall asleep but staying asleep is another thing.

I pray 2008 is better for all of us.

Still

You could be onto something here. I would become edgy if I didn't have it for more than 2-3 days, sometimes less. And it was a gradual thing.

The other thing to consider is that as far as I could tell the OM is out of town visiting his dying F
(That's the story her told her anyway) and she could be in full withdrawal from him and using more to make up for her other addiction. She has been doing it more in the last month.

Queenie, I'm staying here with you for the next little while. I want to make sure your OK once that clock strikes.
Are you doing OK?

Hmm.. Check this out with the experts. I am just the drug addict, well the one in recovery now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Still,


By yourself, you may not, but ask G-d and you can. He wants us to be completely DEPENDENT on him for all things. ALL things.

Amen to 2008 and being a better year

Happy 2008 Queenie.

You've been holding on to the pain of this day for about a week now. This would be as good a time as any to let it out.

I'm here and not going anywhere until I know you're feeling OK about yourself.

I can't even imagine what you’re feeling right now, but know that you have friends here that care.

Happy 2008,

You know it's weird, your right. I have held on to this for about a week. I have always felt that time moved way to fast except for this week. Every year I thought from Christmas to New Year's was the longest week. Hmm.

I'm just sad and numb. In many ways, I am just in shock that he didn't try to contact me. That he didn't try and wish me a Happy New Year. I'm empty inside.

Ok, about myself. Oh TMTS, you need to go to bed then. I am so NOT in that place. I carry such scars of what I could have done in my M. The signs that were there I ignored because I was so stupid to think that he wouldn't cheat. Use, yes. Cheat NOT MY HUSBAND.

To wrap my mind around the fact that he is making love to a crack addict with hep c on my anniversary and telling her how he loves her and pledging his undying love to her is beyond my comprehension. To reflect on the year and remember how the WH pushed me away again and again by withholding my deepest EN and then blaming me over and over again like there was something I could do to change things.

I'm angry because I didn't get a chance to fight because I allowed those games to drive me away and he KNEW that would happen and he used it to his advantage. Just like an addict will use whatever they can to get their fix. And I am scared to death there are NO MORE CHANCES. He blindsided me, he has taken away my safety, my security and my M. And he doesn't care one bit, he only cares about her and creating a new life with her because she will make him happy.

And yet, I love him more than I loved him the day I married him. He is life to me and I miss him. I think this is another night of holding Torah to fall asleep.

Please TMTS,

Head to bed. I'll be ok. I am just reading and being quiet alone in my room. My boys are home and they are watching tv.

Sweet dreams and Happy New Year.

Queenie, I know that I would want someone to talk to at a moment like this. My girls are still up plying on the playstation. So I'm still going to be up for a little (Can't sleep anyway).

Oh how I wish I could transport myself to his place and slap him silly for you. Unfortunately we're trying to make sense of the senseless. That being said, we must not give up hope. Can we make a deal and dedicate 2008 to hope? Hope that your WS will come out of the fog. Hope that we will have the strength to make it through the days. Hope that things can only get better.

I shed tears for you now because I think you do not deserve this and yet you keep faith that your H will one day return. If find it commendable that you are doing this. I know you will tell me that it is but by the grace of g-d but g-d also gave you free will, and from my perspective it is this free will of yours that is getting you through this as much as your faith in g-d's work.

I want you to believe that you are worthy and that your efforts are not wasted. You already are a better person because of this, and that is something he can never take away from you.

Extra special prayers are going to be said for you today.

Thank you TMTS for sticking with me. I will NOT forget it and will do it anytime with you.

Do you know that there is not a SINGLE PERSON, who cares enough to talk to my WH and tell him he is being a fool. They just say I am better off without him.

How about we dedicate 2008 to a year of solidifying FAITH. I NEED to DEVELOP my FAITH to unshakable proportion. TO COMPLETELY TRUST G-D, and remember at all times, that no matter what I am seeing, G-d is working on my WH side of the street working something out in my WH so he can come home and heal with me.

Yes, we all have free will, but G-d KNEW me, and HE KNEW I would react this way because it's who I AM. I am LOVE, and I LOVE my H. I am the ONLY PERSON who completely BELIEVES and KNOWS the good that exists. And for that I can't let G-d down. Because G-d is over there working as hard as he can trying to open my WH's eyes. Each time my H destroyed trust I had for him, I came back with love and a desire to keep working on our M. G-d knew how I would react.

I don't believe myself to be a special person at all. However, I am becoming the woman G-d has always planned for me to be, and I am a completely different person. I don't live in a dry drunk any longer. I LOVE with all MY HEART and SOUL. I FEEL the deepest pain imaginable and just want the chance to create a new M with my H. And he anger really doesn't exist in me any more.

That is so TRUE, my WH can't take what I have become away from me. I can only willingly give it up. And that's NOT about to happen.

And special prayers for you as well. How are you doing? What are you kids doing up at this hour playing?

I guess I'm lucky in a way, everybody we know has tried to talk her into reconsidering and that she was making a huge mistake. But the fog is too thick.

Ok I'm with you on solidifying faith (As with faith comes hope anyway). I'm still at the beginning of my excursion so I don't know where I will end up, but it sold be an interesting journey.

Oh and by the way I will ignore the whole I'm not special line because I just don't buy it.

Kids are in bed now (I know it was late for them, but it was a special night). WW just came in as well, watch a movie with the neighbor (She's the only friend she has left, because they don't talk about our issues).

I'm hanging in there. I cannot bring myself to accept this in my heart. Something inside of me hangs on to the hope that she will come out of the fog before she moves. But I know that it will probably happen, and that is a tough on to accept. Then I work this plan based on faith that it is sinking in and will one day give me a chance to win my W love back. I don't even want to think of it never happening.

Ok Queenie,

I give, I'm going to try to sleep. Please try to do the same!!! We will make it through. I'll check up on you in the morning.

Sweet dreams.

LOL, this is progress not perfection. I'll take it back.

I can't fall asleep and I have been praying to G-d for a sign on what to do. Asking him if WH is TRULY HAPPY with her to let me know and I will let go and move on. Not because I want to, but because I LOVE him and WANT him to be HAPPY. I really mean this too. But guess what?

My daughter just called completely distressed and hysterical. She got into a fight with her boyfriend and hit him. I guess there is blood everywhere. He is drunk and she is "tipsy". I have NO DOUBT she has alcholic tendencies. Of all my children she is the ONE hurting the most over this b/c she sees how her dad has changed and she MISSES him. She feels completely alone, is absolutely struggling for money, can't buy anything on credit because she has a repo on her record and her student loans aren't getting paid. The loan people are after my H as well.

Please forgive me, but whoever asked me about forgiving my DD about the fight in February, the weirdest thing happened. It's like she is broken as a person right now and she apologized from the depths of her soul for what happened. She has NEVER done that before. NEVER. Why tonight, what's going on.

Mimi, is this what my H will be like when he finally breaks and realizes all that he is lost? Is G-d helping me to understand how to work through this as G-ds servant instead of fixing it for her?

I offered to go get her. I really want her to get out of that relationship. I like him, but they are dangerous to each other and when you add in drinking, well you can imagine what happens.

She said she needed to stay and clean up all the blood. So, I did what comes to me naturally today. I reminded her of the time she told me she talked to G-d and he told her what to do. I told her to listen to me.... Ask G-d for help, ask him for a clear mind, a calm heart and a soft tongue. I repeated it over and over and over for her to hear and begged her to talk to G-d and ask him for help and those qualities. She said she would.

So, whoever is out there, please pray for my DD that she receives a clear mind, a calm heart and a soft tongue. She is in a volatile situation and needs G-ds love and shelter.

I get how my CHILDREN NEED me. My children need a COMPLETE FAMILY. Somehow I have to dig deep inside my soul and muster all the FAITH and STRENGTH through G-ds shelter to FIGHT this MONSTER and LOCATE my H and have G-d bring him home. For my FAMILY I can NOT GIVE UP until G-ds will is done and my H is home and our FAMILY is complete and on the road to healing.

So, I need to somehow throw out the pitty potty crude and step into the strength of the Proverbs 31 woman and become this NO MATTER how BAD it LOOKS, NO MATTER HOW HARD it WILL BE, and walk in FAITH that G-ds will be done in his time.

So, let's see, Plan A for a little longer. Mimi, can we take an accounting of what I have accomplished so I can see where I need to focus before I got dark.

G-d NEEDS ME. I WON'T LET HIM DOWN because I am tired or weak. HE WILL FEED MY STRENGTH. I just have to keep reaching for him.

Happy 2008 everyone. Let's claim it will be a year full of blessings and trials for sure. But that together, all of us together will help each other through it and move forward in G-ds world and as we receive those blessings, so can we shout the glory of G-d and give him all that glory.

And with that I say amen and pray for a little shut eye. I told her to call me in an hour, that's about 45 minutes from now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

yes she did.
not much brain there to pick though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Because I choose to see hope today although I am a completly broken man. Adonai gave me hope to replace my emptiness.
I see brokeness everywhere I look now, but I am also filled with the hope of knowing Adonai is greater and will restore all brokeness and fill the emptyness of a soul in His time.