I am very convinced this was a majpor factor of the demise of my M.

How did you learn this lesson?

And more about what TMTS is saying:



EXACTLY..this is what was true for MY BOYS for a long time...it was their truth that I learned to ACCEPT...ACCEPTANCE is KEY...as in THE SERENITY PRAYER...



NO. It will never be the same BUT it CAN BE BETTER..not necessarily ALWAYS RESENTMENT.

With my modeling, I am thankful that my sons have learned TRUE FORGIVENESS. They speak of admiring me for that and are thankful that I have taught them what forgiveness means and what it looks like.

Your H CAN CHANGE. Ark on here taught me that...When Recovery began, I thought my H's relationship with the children was FOREVER wounded.

But, FATHERHOOD is a big issue with my husband. So I stepped back and HE worked actively on showing that he can be a GREAT DADDY despite those BAD YEARS.

I definitely can say without a shadow of a doubt that my H's relationship with them is BETTER THAN EVER..BUT and a BIG BUT..HE HAD TO DO THE WORK and I had to not get involved..it was between HIM and THEM...

What I am saying is that YOU ARE POWERLESS over his relationship with them...

YOUR WORK..YOUR relationship with HIM..and YOUR relationship with YOUR CHILDREN...

I think that my codependency is something that I seriously need to address. What do you think?

And I am a great avoider of this, aren't I.

Well, I am feeling way stronger and ready to keep working on me. So, obviously my self-esteem and self-worth is high up on the list. Would you agree?

EXACTLY!!

I fit all the features of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and brought my childhood junk of CONTROL into my marriage...YUCK..

First, STeve Harley and then BR and LA called me on that stuff..to stop my self-righteousness and my DJing of my H so that I was DISRESPECTING HIM and not providing him with ADMIRATION...yuck..I also was doing that with my YOUNG ADULT SONS...YUCK...not listening..not respecting...FIXING EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING...

THE KEY IS ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT IS..and FOCUSING ON YOURSELF..and YOURSELF ONLY!!!

Isn't that THE FIRST STEP...recognizing your POWERLESSNESS...

Oh yes it is, and then as a result my LIFE BECOMES UNMANAGEABLE.

So, G-d and this website is helping me to turn my life around to being manageable.

This focusing on myself is going to be very INTERESTING AND HARD. But there is NO OTHER CHOICE.

So, how will I know when I am doing that on a regular basis. What did you start to see in your behavior and thinking?

I have an appt with the attorney at 11:00 to proceed with my legal separation.

I really don't want to do this, but know that I have to especially getting ready for Plan B.

Make sure that YOU are comfortable with that particular attorney.

The first attorney I consulted would have led me straight to DIVORCE.

He tried to rip me off and couldn't hear that I did not want a DIVORCE...

He knew that I was VULNERABLE...and SCARED...

I have met with him before. He knows I only want a legal separation.

He is the husband of a good friend and specializes in these cases.

He actually isn't charging me any money but for the filing fees.

I really don't want to do this. But I have to trust there ie NO other way. And the longer it goes on, the less likely I am going to be able to make sure it effects him in his wallet. I don't want to screw him, just get the absolute most amount I can.

He is well respected down at the courthouse for his toughness, but fairness.

I will make sure he is on the same page as me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree that I either of use reached out (Of which we have now) I would have spared myself allot of pain.

Glad to hear you feeling good today.

Mimi - Thanks you becasue I also learn from the guidance you are givning Queenie.

Just got back from the lawyer. Paid my money and he will start to send me the paperwork.

He said we could delay things for a LONG time, over a year at least. He doesn't want me to talk to H about any money anymore. Interestingly, he isn't so quick for us to split our equity in the house 50-50. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I will keep you posted. The fact that he almost makes 1/2 more than me is a good thing for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I called WH to do a little Plan Aing. He was kinda grouchy, not very talkative and I just ignored it and kept asking him questions. He was very hesitant to talk to me. Going through his email and sidetracked most of the time. I told him twice that I was thinking about him and wanted to check in and see how he was doing.

I didn't talk about the children once. He actually didn't even ask about them. I know it shouldn't surprise me, but it does.

I asked him if he watched the Redskins game he said no. I knew that. He can't even be happy for me. He did ask if I was going to the game, I said, no I couldn't afford it. I mentioned that I had the bridal faire to do, he always helped me set up for the faire.

He wanted to know if I signed the papers, which meant he got the message asking him to please call me. He mentioned the time frame being late. I said I don't worry about timing and those things, G-d will take care of it.

Oh did the WH bing off of her this weekend.

My appt is set for 4 am pst next Tuesday with Steve.

Hi Queenie,

Are you ok? I can tell that you have been dreading the day you go to Plan B (Please correct me if I am reading this wrong). My heart aches for you because I can sense how much you miss him.

YEP..in FULL WAYWARDNESS after a long weekend with the OP.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Great about the Steve Harley appt!

PLAN A..at least, until then...cause I recommend that you ask Steve about the strategy..what to say to him before PLAN B..

ONWARD..

Your WH will respond better in a couple of days...

No, I don't want this, or any of it. And to some extent I can't believe that he continues to do what he is doing. BUT he is completely gone and believes he is happier with her. Who knows maybe he is.

I am just doing what I have to do. This is what reality is. And in the long run I am protecting me, my children and ultimately my M. I have to keep that in mind. The thought that I could get more money out of the house that 50-50 would allow me the opportunity to buy a house with the housing market going down and I could offer him a new home to come to. That is so exciting to me.

I'm scared. I'm truly scared he is so lost he will NEVER figure this out.

So, I am glad you are here and I can talk to you and others about it.

How are you doing today?

You're about to get his attention, big time. As soon as he finds out about the LS. But that's okay. Because when he brings it up, you don't have to discuss it. That's why you have an attorney. He'll be scratching his head thinking... but she LOVES me... she'll be there if I ever want to come back... but WAIT... she went to see an attorney on her own. Whoa Nellie. Who is this woman of strength, love and power?

What time frame did you mean until then? My appt or Plan B?

What should I do next? I am having a challenge figuring out what EN's I have not addressed and what I can address. What do you think?

It astually is pretty disgusting. I am sure I have asked, but are they really away of how insensitive they are being? Is he trying to hurt me and push me away or just doesn't even think about it?

Queenie,

We're here for you.

Is he happy? Who knows he might be lying to himself too just to prove a point?

I'm kind of anxious today. I'm working the plan and WW is being nice, but I'm waiting for the hammer to drop. I just do not trust what this niceness is all about. My heart hopes and prays that it is my W trying to peek through, but my mind is suspicious. I am really nervous about the mediator and setting up of the LS. If she wants to get nasty, she could have me thrown out, keep the house and have me pay for it all. She has not mentioned anything of the sort though. I don't know if this has to do with what she thinks will be independence, or if she doesn’t want to burn all the bridges between us. I scared too Queenie, and am glad I've got friends here that understand.

On the positive side I'm going through some finances and figured out that I'll be able to put an extra $100 per month on the mortgage principal, and probably more if she leaves.

How can that work?

Yes, we have friends on here and we are walking in G-ds will.

He is definetly lying to himself to prove a point. He is stubborn and will dig his heals in at all cost. Partly that's how we survived so long because we kept trying. I just have to wait on the Lord and continue to learn my lessons, move forward, become the Proverbs 31 woman and trust that in the end, no matter what, G-d will turn it to good. I miss my H so much and it just amazes me when I have to talk to the WH what a jerk he is.

Ok, is it possible that he the WH to me and the kind, gentle, giving H to her? Could she have the man that I love so much?

Remember I'm Canadian and the courts here only look at one thing and that's what is best for the child. In most cases (Even if there is adultery, the H looses in the deal). I hope that there is something that can stop it though.
I would end up paying alimony through the nose, and even possibly be stuck with only visitation rights, which is what really scares me.

Now she is not going that way because she has no one that is on her side. Everybody is against this and if she tries to take my kids away she will loose what is left of the relationship she has with her best friend and her parents.
My heart tells me that she is also trying to keep the door open so that if she does crash and burn the bridge wont be.

But that is almost expecting something... (Insert 2x4 here)

Let me put a little spin on your last statement. Maybe we want the WS to be the kind loving person towards the OP. That way when it ends they will know where we are coming from.

PM,

Do you really think this will have ANY effect on him or will it just piss him off?