WH is way too lost in the victim role to even care that his children are hurting. He isn't capable of going to that place of understanding anyone else's pain. He won't go there. He just gets that addicted glazed look in his eyes.

The one doubt that creeps in constantly that I have to somehow protect myself from. Is that when I first found out she was a crack addict with hep c, he told me that he believed with a HUGE amount they could have an amazing relationship. Is that just him lying to himself or could they really have this amazing relationship?

He knew that it wouldn't take much work on our part to really make our marriage healthy and he could see all the changes I made. But in the end the addiction was too strong. I guess the other piece and I know Mimi will hit me for this, but I want to put it out there.

What if this person is a really good person and is truly making him happy and loves him, how can I possibly fight that?

Then again, and this is where I absolutely KNOW. She NEVER had my H, she only has the WH and that one UCKY person that I DON'T WANT.

That sounds well reasoned. Looking at it from that aspect, you could be on to something... ok, I give on this one, you win.



I lived it and don't comprehend it. The only thing I can think of is that as a child you have this expectation that your parents will love you unconditionally and part of that is staying together. When one of them betray that unconditional trust, it leaves a mark that can never be forgotten, and in some cases (Like my own), not forgiven for a long time. Your DD and MS may have been at an age that they will be able to understand that this is a sickness. Your YS on the other hand may not accept that reasoning. If he sees what happened as his F abandoning him, then it will be difficult to have him accept that he was sick, not impossible but difficult.

The unfortunate thing in all of this is that your H holds the key to this. He will at one point need to reach out to them himself and mend the wound.

This is what I have nightmares about. Not about them in bed or holding each other, it's finding out that this guy isn't a jerk and does end up making her happier than I was able to.



I like this thought. This is one to hold on to.

i'll take it.

The truly unfortunate thing is that WH thinks he HAS reached out to them.

Here in lies G-d's intervention only. It will truly take an act of G-d to mend this. I have and will continue to stay out of this mess. From the very beginning, and I have NO CLUE where this came from, but I have had the presence of mind to be very careful of staying out of this with my kids and their dad. Instinctively I knew that he was destroying his relationship with his kids and I didn't want to be a part of it, nor have to in anyway make up for anything that might have made it worse.

He tried to blame me once that I was doing "something". I put that right back on his lap and told him in no uncertain terms. NOT ONCE did I interfere in his relationship and I haven't and continue to not.

What he has done to the kids is SOLELY on his own. I created to the problems in this M, but the KIDS is HIS OWN MESS.

We keep imagining that it's our S that are doing this to us, and that's how we get stuck understanding. But as Mimi says, they are NO LONGER THOSE SPOUSES. They are creepy, selfish, monsters and would we really WANT THEM.

Now, the enabler in me says YES, anything to get him home. I'll fix him then. But that would be the WORST thing. Because I imagine I would somehow lose what I have gained which is G-d.

TMTS, G-d is who needs to reach them and shepherd them back into his fold. We can't fix them and it isn't our job. We can only become who G-d envisions for us, and trust that G-d will turn this into good one day when the timing is right. Mark, JT and James give me this scripture about waiting on the Lord.

We just need to wait for our blessings and as long as we stay in G-d will and be his servant we will receive one day. Though way easier said than done.

WH has no chance of reaching them. It's only one H returns that he will have a chance, because until that time he will continue to think of himself as the victim.

You are to right there.

So what are you planning to do tomorrow besides grocery shopping.

Queenie, the day is almost over and you seem in good sprits. Good for you, I know how much you agonized about today. Let’s hope and pray that next years we'll be talking about recovery.

See, you are the Warrior Queen! Find a mirror and give yourself a bow, you deserve it!

We plan to take down the Chrismas tree and watch another movie together. We will probably be able to go sledding as well, but today's snow fall is really wet so it might snowmen instead.

What about you?

Without you and others, this day would have been way more unbearable. I won't say I wouldn't have gotten through it because I promised Mimi, but there was an unusual peace inside of me today. A true gift from G-d. I will NEVER forget the way you stuck with me, ever. I really hope you know how much I appreciate it and will do the same for you whenever you NEED me too.

I'm not going to find a mirror and give me a bow, I'm going to get on my knees and thank G-d for his gift and the gift of all of you.

I did a little plan A, not much, but something. One of my strongest attributes is my voice and I hope...oops no expectations. Ok, forget what I am thinking. I just wanted to leave him a message. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My bedroom, rather the bedroom is pretty well finished. I took way longer than I hoped, but it's almost complete. Just another vacumming around the place and I will somehow get WH over here.

Signing the papers to put my house up for sale was actually ok. I cried with my neighbor and sat and talked to her. I made the comment that everyone thought I was the strong one, but here I am the devastated one.

Then I realized that I am the strong one, because through this entire ordeal. I am the one who sought G-d for help and created a relationship with him, I am the one who has lost the weight, I am the one going to counseling and addressing everyone addictive concern imaginable, I am the one that made the deal for our house, I am the one who practically packed up a 3000 sq ft house by myself, I am the one who found the funds to pay off HIS and DD legal problems, I am the one who is raising the kids absolutely by myself and I am the one who has completely forgiven him and continue to hold the space of our marriage for him. But mostly becuase G-d needs me to.

He wasn't the strong one, when the tough things really happened he bagged and is still bagging. I am the one left to deal with it all, and you know what, I am, someday way better than others, but I still am doing it.

As for tomorrow, in 6 hours I need to get up and get my touckis to work. The little darlings don't come back until Thursday, but the teachers will be there for inservice training all day.

But I hate going to sleep because I wake up and then the nightmares start again.

Or I love this peace I am feeling and don't want to go to sleep because I am afraid of how I will feel in the morning.

I am sure you understand that.

G-d works through you does he not? Therefore without your faith in him none of this happens. So with this being said, please take at least a little credit for yourself. Look at your own words, and then try to convince me that you’re not special and don’t deserve a bow. (Don’t bother trying, because there is nothing you can say that will convince me otherwise)

I know you have difficulty accepting that I look at you as an inspiration, and I am confident that I am not the only one.

This is so true when you are having a good day. That fear that sleep will wipe it out.

You should probably get to sleep though. I am able to be online all day long at work. And so I can keep in touch. It helps me to feel connected to people on here right now.

I want to make sure you are doing ok. And be there if you need anything.

That is an understatment. You and so many others are who held me up yesterday and today, I can't imagine being an inspiration to anyone. Will just leave this alone for tonight and let G-d work more in me and see where it ends up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have you read Zorro's thread. It looks like there are a number of us who are needing to work on our self-esteems and that is something I am going to do, because surely as we are sitting here right now, one day someone is going to need our wisdom and direction on how to get through this horrific time. What I do know, is that one day I will be a completely whole person because G-d wants it that way and I will serve G-d by helping others get through their rough times. And one day, I might even be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I WAS ALWAYS the BEST CHOICE for my H. Whether he comes to realize it or not.

And if he chooses NOT to COME HOME. Then he lost out on something absolutely amazing that we could have created together because it would be blessed and shepherded over by G-d.

Queenie, I'am doing quite well. Yesterday was about being there for you. I'm sure my day will come, but right now I am at peace with myself, my situation and the fact that I am starting to reach out to G-d.

Have a good night and may all your dreams be pleasant.

My prayers are with you.

I'm so glad you are doing quite well. Thank you for being there for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Remember this, G-d hands are outstretched to us and he just needs our hand to pull us along. It's not hard at all.

Sweet dreams for you and my prayers are with you as well. Talk to you tomorrow.

Mimi,

I have a phone conference scheduled with Steve for Tuesday morning at 6:00 am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't think this is a good idea. FOCUS on YOUR RELATIONSHIP with HIM. HIS RELATIONSHIP with the children is HIS BUSINESS.

It is DISRESPECTFUL of him to do HIS WORK. He is A MAN who must do THIS WORK himself..if ever...

One of the most valuable, life-changing lessons that I learned was to step back and to stop trying TO FIX stuff that was none of my business.

PLAN A is about YOUR RELATIONSHIP with HIM.



I know what you mean, Queenie..but this is a WHOPPING DJ. It may not be "hard for him"..probably isn't...that is AN ASSUMPTION that YOU are making based on YOUR OWN perception of YOUR life experience...let him come to the conclusion about what he is missing...and may have missed...

If anything, write to him about how YOU are missing him..as HIS WOMAN...his WIFE...

And this is TRUE, too.

I tried to influence my YS on making amends with his Daddy and he resented my interference. Just a couple of years ago he told me to back off, that he "hated" his Daddy..blah dee blah..

Look at them now..

I backed off and both and them did the work ON THEIR OWN...

It's a MAN THING.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Good morning,

Ok, no more children talk. And I will concentrate on OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Can we work on taking an inventory of what I have accomplished so I can brainstorm what else I can do before Plan B.