Can you help me see how you developed your time schedule?

I am going to go walk to my meeting and talk to G-d. I'll be back in a couple of hours or look for you tomorrow.

Thank you, I am so grateful to you.

SG,

That IS Plan A...

Or at least the majority of it.

Mark

Hi Queenie,

Yes, Mark the wonderings, believer, LaLa are helping me as best they can, unfortunately they are dealing with a bumbling idiot that can go 3 days without a meltdown of some sort.
Where in the same boat tonight, I've been going on for the last 15 mins now and can't stop... it just hurts so much right now.

Read my thread, you’ll get a better picture.

I'm here, right along with ya. I'll pop over now.

Mark,

Well at least I am working the Plan then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



The weirdest thing happened on the way to walking to my meeting. I felt power inside of me. I felt life. I felt peace. And I got to the meeting and it started from the roots, the beginning.

What I realized, is I am TRULY, TRULY, becoming the best person I can be. I am becoming someone who is strong, who is able to face her worst fears and go through them, who is able to reach out to others and feel their pain and want to walk through and comfort them and yet allow them their walk, and I am moving farther and farther away from my addicted WH and I DON'T want to.

I'm moving forward from the insanity of the situation because I am strong inside. And I don't want to be. But I can't deny this growth and strength that is blossoming and giving me the courage to go to the lawyer today, to begin to look at my life without my H. And I don't want to.

Because I miss him and love him. I'm becoming what G-d wants inspite of myself and I find myself fighting against it. Crazy isn't it. Because I realized, my WH is just gone. I don't recognize him, I don't like him and I don't like what he is doing. I can't fix him, I want to, I would gladly do anything for him, but I can't FIX this for HIM. And I have to move forward.

I feel like I am becoming a butterfly who is getting ready to take off and I don't want to because it's leaving my H behind.

I can see how I am working an awesome Plan A, because I'm fighting it. I am becoming the best I can be and the truth is I am crossing over the bridge from death to life and it's just plain HARD.

I live in G-ds will now, there is good inside of me, not bad, there is no more anger and I am no longer the wife that I was. I am the wife that G-d knew I could always be. The wife who loves her H for all his faults and weaknesses. But I can't save him. I can only let him go. And I have to let him go. It's the only way to get him home and yet the risk is that won't ever happen.

I know G-d will turn this into good, because he already has. Look at me. I walked around town today. On my own two feet, up hills and down them, singing to myself because I love life. There is a genuine happiness and adventure for life and the WH simply doesn't have that inside of him.

PERSONAL POWER? I don't know. I do know I am changing inside and I need prayers to allow those changes to happen instead of fighting them.

HEAD IS UP, AND MY CHEST IT OUT. I'm going to survive this, inspite of myself because I am a SURVIVOR. It's my heritage, it's my blood line, but most important it's G-ds will.

YOU have to be the STRONG ONE if there is a RECOVERY.

He can catch up with you.

REMEMBER your STRENGTH.

It's ALWAYS there waiting for you when you want it.

You've learned a valuable lesson.

You've got TO FIGHT those NEGATIVE TAPES inside of you.

When you become CALM and QUIET, YOU have the POWER to get in touch with your INNER STRENGTH and to gain PEACE and SERENITY....

THE WARRIOR QUEEN is back....

Hi Queenie, you sound so much better than earlier. That walk seemed to have done the trick...eh!

I think it the first time in a long time that you actually said something really positive about yourself. That is aewsome.

Watch the pattern..THE WARRIOR QUEEN always comes back because she is ALWAYS there...Queenie seems to forget about her at times...

{quote] YOU have to be the STRONG ONE if there is a RECOVERY. [/quote] I KNOW. I just get tired. So, I will figure out a way to rest myself in a healthy way and keep strong.

Yes I am and REALLY I ALWAYS WAS. Instead of laying down and dying, I have sought out G-d and let him work his good inside of me, the next leg of strength is accepting all the GOOD and STRENGTH I am instead of denying it. By denying it, I am denying G-d his glory.

You are RIGHT!

Yes I do, but I have to reach for G-d to help me with it.

and when she denies her the strength she is denying G-d his glory of what he is creating.

The walk gave me my walk with G-d. It gave G-d the time alone with me to work even harder inside. And he didn't rest, he took every step to build me up and watch me grow. I think he is smiling tonight.

I know that your friends here are smilling about your last post. This is the Queenie we know. How did the rest of your night go? I tried to go sleep an hour ago but no luck.

My night was quiet. Which was nice. I slept awful and the craziness starts again today. Darn.

I'm a little shaky, but going to go pray and give it away to G-d.

How are you doing?

Same here, real bad dream. I'll go into details on my thread. I finally fell asleep at 3:30 and was up at 7.
But I am in a better space.

Good I am glad.

I did just what I said, got on my knees, prayed to G-d to turn it over, no worried, just let him have my life and use me where he needs to.

I got back into the routine of making breakfast for my YS. I have him almost talked in to going to the hotel where the Redskins are coming into town tonight and helping me get pictures and autographs. I have no challenge going by myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyways, when I logged into email, I saw that hubby had gotten my anniversary ecard that I sent. This is what I wrote.

My Husband,

As the world celebrates the New Year, this will ALWAYS be the day we vowed to G-d, not once but twice to love, honor and cherish each other all the days of our lives.

I have the hope and commitment for the new beginning that will create a marriage that only G-d can smile about.

G-d and I invite you to join me in that new creation of his.
Your Wife

He didn't respond to the card. BUT, this is what was in my email this morning.

Hi (in the subject)

I was wondering if you had a chance to see if the Tahoma field would be available? F called yesterday and said Sundays would work. The first practice is for 1/12 or 1/13. If you get a chance let me know.

Thank you WH

Ok, what do you think? How did the card sound? I am not looking for any expectations. But I do think it's funny. He does NEED me for something. If I can pull this off. Oh yes.

TMTS, I'll pop over on your thread.

Hi Queenie,

Sorry but could you give a little context to what he is referring to? Is this for YS lacrosse practice?

Ooops,

Actually it's the high school field that he needs for practices for HIS lacrosse team. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It's all about HIM, remember.

Since I am PTA President at the high school and a district employee, I open up avenues for him that probably he wouldn't have access to or be able to get for a cheap price or free. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry, Queenie.

I wouldn't be so excited about his request.

He may be trying to keep you in what he sees as "your place". In your OLD ROLE as PTA PRESIDENT, etc. whereas you are saying that you want to be HIS WOMAN...HIS WIFE...

I wouldn't be quick to get the field.

I would email him back and ask him where/when could you two meet to practice FRISBEE and respond to his request: "I'll see what I can do. I don't have as much power as you may think these days in the school system. My main focus is on becoming the best wife possible or something like that...

You are doing the exact same thing I would be trying to do... look for anything positive out of it. I completely understand why, but be careful that you are not setting yourself up for more disappointment. Let the Warrior Queen handle this one. He cannot answer you directly... why, it cold be shame, fear, not wanting to give you any kind of false hope. Who knows, like you say though right now it's all about him, and you are still dealing with WH, and he's asking for something that has nothing to do with your M. I have to believe though that somewhere in there, it touched your H heart. Hang in there.

I’m sure you’ll get a more seasoned interpretation from Mimi.

(Well I took too long to come up with something and Mimi is right there in all her greatness.)

Oh I totally KNOW it's all about him and he is using me. He is still so far gone. So no need to be sorry that it is anything more than him.

He and I were talking about it on the internet on Saturday saying they needed a field to play on. I offered to look into field availability.

He doesn't know that I am PTA President because we never discussed it. He only knows me as a district employee. So I would need to respond to him back in a different way than how you said. What do you think?

My reasoning in helping him was having access to the information of when his practices were so I could go and meet his EN of recreational companionship. Does that make sense? Am I off on this thinking?

Also, here's a good learning curve for me. My natural tendency it to help him out, so next time that something like this comes up, what could I have done differently as his wife or woman?

Along the same lines of learning, how was the ecard I sent him?

Hiho Queenie-

I am excited for you to see your beloved Skins (and I don't get excited about football-only for you).<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are progressing so well. Don't be discouraged by the roller-coaster of emotions. It's normal and yes, it hurts. It doesn't mean you are failing or that God isn't walking with you. Something important that you may have overlooked is that you are allowing yourself to feel these painful emotions. That's the only way to get past them.

You've really come such a long way.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm still around and I'm rooting for you. (Now where did I put that cheer leading uniform?)

Love ya'

Hey JT,

It's getting close. I really think they can pull this off. The Skins are coming into town tomorrow and I am going down there to welcome them.

Thank you for your encouraging words. There seems to be a little shift in me. I'm not as anxious or constantly thinking about it. In fact, I really haven't thought much about WH at all today. I have been focusing on work, and that is something I have needed to do for a LONG time.

I MISS YOU

What's up? Are you alright? With all that talk about emailing and stuff, I just wondered.