Hi there,

What do you mean?

I'm ok. Went to my IC today and asked her what steps to building a self esteem might look like.

If you mean SMB, I don't want to be a part of that uckiness that is going on her thread. I wanted to not lose touch with her, but before I ever really emailed any questions for her or her H, I would check with you.

Is that what you meant?

Hi Queenie,

Did you go see your skins tonight? You feeling ok?

Hey you,

I am doing ok. Kinda quiet inside. I had an intense IC session, worked really focused today and it was the first day back for the students.

I found out this morning that they don't come into town until tomorrow night. I am heading down there tomorrow.

I am struggling a little because this weekend is the wedding faire that my H and I always decorated the booth together. It was something that over the years we had gone from fighting to just having fun. The fact of being around all those happy people with dreams not excite me, but I can't do the booth without my H, I'm not tall enough.

So, just down, giving it to G-d and trying to keep myself calm as much as possible. How are you doing?

Hi Queenie,

Would your son go help you out? Do you think H would help if asked? I can imagine that it will be hard, I just was the binder of our wedding album tonight and made sure I looked away real fast.

I'm doing alright. Mark pointed out to me that my hopelessness is pretty obvious. I just have a hard time accepting that she can or will snap out of this. She is living her life now like we were buddies. I'm waiting for the opportunity to bring up our future relationship once apart, to make sure she understands that my best friend is going to also be my lover and my wife. If that's her great if not it will be her loss.

Mark and Mrs. W are starting to get through to my subconscious now and that's a good thing. Mark is also helping me reconnect spiritually. There will be a Christian base to it, but I also am reading books by the Dalai Lama.

Today was a good day, but I dread tomorrow because that is when I suspect the mediator will be calling me. I understand that he had taken some vacation time.

Nice suggestion, I asked my son last night if he would help me. He laughed at me and I just asked the younger one, he just smiled, but then he isn't old enough.

I have had enough rejection right now from WH. This event was a huge deal to be to do together and was a statement of the progress we had made together. But that was a lie and I choose not to subject myself to it. Not when I have to be at my best the next morning and for a whole day.

I'm glad Mark and Mrs. W are offering their words of wisdom and helping you. It's so important for us right now. We are so vulnerable and react in ways that aren't in our best interest.

How do you know they are starting to get through to your subconscious. How is Mark helping you reconnect spiritually?

[quote] I just have a hard time accepting that she can or will snap out of this. []/quote] What do you mean by this?

I'm glad you are starting to see that if she is goofy enough to let you go, she is the BIG LOSER.

I know all the stats say that this will end and the fog will lift, but when I hear her talk it doesn't come of as babble (Even though I know it is). She sounds confident and sure of herself.

As far as the subconscious goes, it's just the day to day reinforcement that is starting to sink in. I feel bad that they keep repeating themselves, but I'm stating to accept that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life will go on.

Mark and I have been emailing and he's been explaining his views on spirituality and God. His word is very convincing.

We'll make it through this Queenie! We have to make the choice as to how happy we want to be when all is said and done.

TMTS,

I can tell you that there is no such thing as a Christian base to spirituality. A Christian is one of those things you either is or you isn't. It isn't a philosophy or a system of rules. It is a relationship with the God of the universe...not "a" god, but GOD! The very same one whose real name can't even be spoken.

You can read the Dalai Lama if you want, but there is no way to resolve teachings of Siddhartha Gautama and Tenzin Gyatso with Christianity.

Mark

And you thought us old guys needed to sleep...


zzzzz...

You guys go read Dogfood's latest post, will ya?

DF's drive-by thread

I understand what your saying. These are two completely different soiritual paths that do not and cannot intermingle because of what they represent. Am I getting close? Sorry for th T/J Queenie.

That my new friend is YOURS AND MY STINKIN THINKIN. I so go there with you, but we HAVE to STOP IT. Our negative thinking will be our downfall.

And it's us playing G-d. We really have NO IDEA what is going to happen. What we do KNOW is that we were a party to the demise of our M. We made mistakes that we are SORRY for and working very hard to identify, learn about, and change to make sure they don't happen again.

I don't know about the light at the end of the tunnel, but you are right, life will go on and we will keep walking with one foot in front of the other no matter how painful. And when this chapter of our life is closed, we will have LEARNED so much and become BETTER people. No longer will we take LOVE for granted. We will understands the dynamics of relationships better and will be more willing to roll up our sleeves and work for it. Actually I always was, but I was knaive enough to believe so was my H. The innocence in us is probably gone, but for me, the depth of loving someone or wanting to love someone is stronger than ever.

I am designed to love someone. I have FAITH it will be my H. I want it to be him, but like it's beat into us, he has free will and may choose no.

The good news, is we don't have to focus on that today, just focus on us and healing ourself so that when our S choose to come home we will be rock solid in our conviction of what is going on and be a servant of G-d who can truly be a help to him as he heals our spouses. I don't know if that's corny or not, but it's somehow where I am tonight.

My rosey colored glasses are fading, but my conviction for getting healthy is strengething, it has somehow taken on a life of its own and I just need to keep turning it over to G-d and stay out of the way.

Yes we will make it through. I hope and pray our spouses are part of that. We also have to make the choice to get up everyday and learn to live life in a healthy and G-d loving way.

Ok, Mark I gotta ask, where does Judaism fall into this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm strong enough to have this conversation and if it becomes too hard, I'll just let you know, ok?

TMTS, don't give it a second thought.

I'll check the thread out now.

Read it, very good, very helpful.

Does it really bring you hope? If not, that's ok too. I find that as happy as I am for others' successes, there is a part of me that thinks, oh that can't happen to me. My sitch is different.

The truth is, all the successes both personal and marital were as the result of hard work. Very hard work. And that's the key. We are choosing to work for our recovery and one day it will be us.

I don't know when or how, but it WILL BE US. We just have to claim it and work our butts off for it.

Knowing that others can go though something similar and be happy at one point is a good start, but my heart is telling me the same thing. It's hard to picture it as real right now.

One of the very first things that someone suggested when I first got into AA all those years ago, was act as if.

And today, my IC told me that one of the ways to start building my self-esteem up was to write down 5 things that I like about myself. To start telling myself that I am a good person. I can do this. Change the thinking immediately.

Pretty much everything Mimi has been trying to drown into me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> She even told me to go ask close friends what good qualities they see about me and when they tell me, just say thank you. Don't disagree or push the notion away.

You and I are hurting, our self-esteem like so many others destroyed, it's no one elses job to build it back up by ours. And G-d is wanting us to seek him out to begin the process.

All we have to do is give our FAITH to G-d, come here and listen to the vets tell us what to do, remember we are NOT CRAZY or alone and that if we are willing to do the footwork we can and WILL recover.

We just have to completely trust G-d what that ends up looking like is beyond anything we can even imagine. We aren't G-d, our imagination is limited. G-d KNOWS what he can do to turn this into good and he is waiting for us to heal and let those blessings pour out.

Queenie, please go to my thread.

ok...

Hey one last thing...

Is it my imagination or do more WW change their mind that WH? I mean, my H has a woman at his home taking care of his every need. Why would he want to come back to me? Especially if I go completely dark?

Get the 2 x 4's out, but help me understand so I can settle it in my mind, ok?

WH finally contacted YS after almost a month with an email.

I'm glad he is reaching out to his kids.

Is it normal to go back and forth on this, but in the end what's best for my children is what should be most important not my case against his abandonment.

The major focus of the WS usually is the NEXT FIX...nothing else...

What a drag.....