I think you get stuck on wanting TO DO something.

I recall those days.

You can do something FOR YOURSELF.

Anymore decorating needed?

Any new HOBBY that you want to take up?

I thought you were going to study HEBREW? Do I have that right?

YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN MIND.

Hi Queenie,

I just clued in that is was playoff time. I'm watching the Steelers game right now. Sorry about your skins.

How you feeling right now? You sounded like you were doing ok for a while there. But I get the feeling the talk about H comming back got you down. You alright?

Queenie,

I don't know if I have any words of wisdom for you or not. My last attempt at sharing my thoughts with you cause you pain and fear...Not what I intended at all.

I'm just sitting here watching bull riding and flipping back to the game every once in a while. So if you have a question I can answer, I'll give it a try...Hopefully I won't make you feel worse...


Mark

I think you are RIGHT. It's a control thing maybe?

I can't really decorate an apt. That is a bummer too.

Yes you do. I kinda put it off didn't I. I will do an online search and see what I can come up with.

It's funny, it's not like I am just sitting around doing nothing. I work full time, have a 2nd job, go to AA meetings, exercise, go to fake and bake, still am PTA President, and Area Director of PNW for Women of Reform Judaism, not to mention I went out to the bar with friends. I had the Redskins and soon I will have my boys lacrosse season starting up. Am raising the boys pretty much alone, so my time is taken up.

It's just there is no joy. I am just going through the motion of life. Not enjoying it.

So, I think I need to somehow dig deeper inside, and pray to G-d for guidance.

My self-esteem needs work, no doubt there. So I need to ask G-d for direction on that and start putting it into place.

And pray for the willingness to stop needing TO DO something. G-d is doing ENOUGH. Isn't he. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And truthfully I don't even know what he is DOING.

TMTS,
The old me would have been angry, crushed, in a bad mood and all around dark figure to be around over this loss. I'm truly sad that I don't have them for inspiration and to occupy my mind.

Talking about H coming home didn't get me back down. I can NOT live in a false reality. I have to be willing to accept all parts of my old life, marriage and relationship with my H in order for it to completely changed. Truly learn from my mistakes and see what changes I can make.

I hate not knowing the outcomes. Remember, I am the one who reads the end of the book first. So again, this is an inside job for me to work on.

That's all. I'm restless, but this is actually good too. I often was always going to NOT feel. I have to work through my feelings and learn my truths so I learn about me. It's just a hard process.

Mark,
Your words didn't cause me pain. This journey I am on, is tough. I need to learn alot about myself and learn about what G-d intends for me.

I need you to, I'm strong enough to look at all things because if I don't, then I won't grow. I don't the luxury of resting on my laurels and not looking at all points and feelings.

Please don't stop. And remember, what you says can not MAKE ME feel anyway. It's how I choose to take it, or look at it. So, please don't hold back.

So since I believe that I am on a spiritual battle to become the woman that G-d has always envisioned for me, knowing when and what G-d is saying is hard for me. So first question, how do you know when you are really hearing G-ds word versus your desire of what you want.

The Steelers aren't doing so good are they?

Do you say certain prayers that help you to become closer to G-d. What do you do?

Hi Queenie,

We're here for you. I don't know what to do with myself either. I have no motivation to do anything. I should be doing something, at very least catch up on sleep or do some reading, but I just can't myself into it.

My WW is next door hanging out with the neighbors. I would go over but someone has to watch the kids.

So you're stuck with me for the evening. The Steelers are not playing well at all. 3 int. in the first half... real ugly.

My rabbi told me when this happened that I needed to become rock solid strong. He would guarantee that my H would crash and burn and would been to be rock solid.

I need to become battle tested. I need to be able to look at all my bad parts and work through them, not to punish me but see where I can make changes.

I need to develope a spritual walk that is unshakable because I need to be mentally, physically and most of all spiritually ready to walk into my new M.

Putting G-d first needs to become like breathing to me. Not just lip service. And most importantly I need to learn that I am a good creation from G-d. I need to fight through this to honor G-d by caring about myself and knowing that I am good through and through. I'm way better, but this is spiritual progress, not spiritual perfeciton.

I don't consider myself being stuck. I like knowing you are there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wonder how many other people have this thought. I don't want my WH to be happy without me. Is that wrong or normal?

Hopefully it's normal! I've told my WH several times that I want him to be happy, but I want him to be happy with me. Of course I hope he and OW are miserable soon, soon, soon!!! I can't stand it. I felt like telling him something yesterday like when she smiles at you, know I am crying for you, or the kids are missing you or something like that, but then thought maybe that would be not nice, a LB.

Amen, hopefully it's normal.

Thanks Queenie, it's comforting to know there's someone out there that understands what we are going through. I am glad you're there as well. I don't feel so alone.

I think every BS must have this thought at one time or another, unless they don't care at all about the WS. So is it normal, I think so. Is it wrong, probably but when there is this much hurt it tough to not think it.

My F keeps telling me that one day she will cry more than I did. Unfortunately they have to hit rock bottom first. He's been a great help, and I will remember 2007 as the year I reconciled with my Father. As my former boss told me, you can always get another W, you only have one Father.

I've been reading the passages that Mark suggested nightly and clutch the bible in my hand when going to sleep. I also say prayers for my friends here... including your WH and my WW. I do find that it helps... a message of hope for the hopeless. I do still get a guilty feeling when asking for help for myself because I had pretty much denounce my faith completely. (I'm ashamed to admit that). So 2008 is going to be the year I rediscover my faith.

(Mark - if you have other passages that are a must read, please let us know).

This is a BLESSING. And one way that G-D has turned your sitch into good. Pocket this one for hope. Because it's amazing and needs to be cherished.

So what did you do for yourself today?

SG,

Ben looks like a deer in headlights...

I seldom say set or pre-written prayers. When I read the psalms of David, I see a man crying out to God from his heart, telling God when he is angry, hurting, ashamed, afraid...all of the emotions we can experience as men and women. And I also see a pattern in many of those as David begins by pleading his case and telling God how and why he is upset or angry...and by the end of most of those very same psalms, David is giving thanks to Him for what He has already done and for what He has yet to do.

When I am trying to focus my life on God's will, I often read Psalm 119, which is not only the longest of the psalms, but actually the longest 'chapter" of the entire Bible at 176 verses in length. Some things from that psalm:

v 33-37 Teach me, O Lord, to follow your decrees; Then I will keep them to the end.
Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart.
Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight.
Turn my eyes toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.

v 81/82 My soul faints with longing for your salvation, but I have put my hope in your word.
My eyes fail, looking for your promise; I say, "When will you comfort me?"

v 105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

v 169/170 May my cry come before you, O Lord; give me understanding according to your word.
May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise.

Psalm 55, one of David's, begins: Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked...

By the end of that same psalm he writes: But as for me, I trust in you.

David wrote this after betrayal by a friend...

I have some thoughts for you on finding the will of God, but I'll save that for later...

Mark

Mark,

Darn, how later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's interesting. I have my Tanakh open and am following along with yours. I never really realized how many differences there are.

v 33-37 Teach me, O Lord, to follow your decrees; Then I will keep them to the end.
Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart.
Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight.
Turn my eyes toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.

Here's what mine says
Teach me, Oh Lord, the way of your laws; I will observe them to the utmost
Give me understanding, that I may observe Your teaching and keep it wholeheartedly.
Lead me in the path of Your Commandments, for that is my concern.
Turn my hear to Your decrees; and not to love of gain
Avert my eyes from seeing falsehoods by Your ways preserve me.

This is a gathering of understanding. You used commands versus commandments, so what are the commands from which you draw from?

tmts- if Mark gives you passages I'd like them too... I stopped attending church about, geesh going on almost 3yrs and before that I was there every! sunday ;-( I've continued praying all along though, a lot more lately!

skins, sorry 'bout the game. Sounds like you had a busy day though. Wish I had done something/anything!

Nothing specifically for me today. We had a little birthday party for my YDD, and worked on some EN towards my WW, told her how sexy she looked and did a few little back rubs, and running of my fingers through her hair. Luckily enough she doesn't push me away. So it’s more Plan A Turbo while she’s here. I’ve become a master at avoiding LBs and meeting ENs, I still need to work on the stick part, but I pick me spots for that. The next incarnation of pulling out the stick will be when we meet with the mediator, which btw she told me she had talked to on Thursday, but has yet to call him back to set up a meeting. I don’t read anything into it, I think it’s just a matter of having so many things going through her head. I spoke to her BF today and she now is on board with what I’m telling her about the A being the biggest determining factor in her decisions. See my WW is not a leader, she’s a follower. This has put all the decision making on my shoulders, which is fine as I’ve been used to making my own decisions since I was 14, and am more than comfortable making decisions for the good of my family. I involved her in the big decisions, but for anything petty she would prefer I made the call.
So now is she trying to spread her wings? This is what her BF was thinking before, but is having second thoughts on it because she has know her to need to have someone to follow, and if the OM won’t be there then will she reconsider. We will see.

My boys are mounting a comeback.

Who hoo!!! Interception Steelers!!!

I am actually doing remarkably well over the game. There was a time when I would have been grouchy, screaming at the kids and taking my anger and frustration out on my H and kids.

This is a MIRACLE. This is a BLESSING and this is G-d working in my life.

Yes, I am sad. Yes I am going to miss them for a few months, but it's not nearly the devastation as D-day. My skins bring me such joy and inspiration of their perserverance, but my family is SO MUCH more important.

I used to say I would sell my soul for this team. I choose to believe that G-d has my soul now and is working on it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What do you like to do for yourself? Why didn't you do anything?

I am looking on other threads and found this from the Prodicals one a few years back.

I actually find much comfort in it. Not to mention I have written it down in my Tanakh.

BELIEVE FOR YOUR MIRACLE!

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I willmeditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Your ways, O God, are holy. What
god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples." Psalm 77:11-14

Do you believe in miracles? I do! Bob and I just celebrated our sixteenth anniversary of his coming back home remarrying me on July 7,
1987. That was a miracle! He had told me for months and years, "I will never, never come back home. You are not accepting and adjusting
to this divorce. I do not love you. Get on with your life. I have someone else."

BUT GOD had other plans and had given me so many promises from His Word not to give up on my Lord or on my husband! I gave up due to all
our circumstances, as they seemed overwhelming. I filed for divorce,but God knew my heart and forgave me, giving me a second chance to
follow Him completely, regardless of what other people were saying.

We celebrated our anniversary Monday evening with a large crowd of standers at Rejoice Bible study. Some of the women surprised us with
a beautiful anniversary cake as they sang to us. It was an answer to my prayers that I prayed so many years ago, "Let me help other people
to believe that God can and does heal hurting marriages." Nothing is too hard for your Lord to fix. Just believe in His mighty power.

"...But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." 'If you can?' said Jesus. ‘Everything is possible for him who believes.' Immediately the boy's father exclaimed ‘I do believe help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:22-24

Your Lord Jesus Christ performed miracles throughout His ministry. Jesus performed miracles of healing the sick and bringing life to the dead. He did miracles showing power over nature, calming a storm, walking on water and feeding 5000 people. Even the apostles did
miracles after their Lord Jesus Christ was crucified demonstrating that the power of the Messiah who had been crucified and risen was
with them. Miracles are from God to show others the power of your Lord God. Your Lord God wants to get the glory and honor for the restoration of your marriage, so be sure to give Him all the praise!

We often hear the comment that, "It would take a miracle to straighten out the mess in my marriage." God has not changed. He still works
miracles. Would you allow your Lord to work a miracle in your life and marriage? When the circumstances make it all seem so impossible
is exactly when you're ready for your miracle. If things are tough right now, don't look around for your example--look up to your Lord Jesus Christ. Your Lord God loves your spouse more than you ever will. Your Lord Jesus Christ is interceding for your husband or wife daily and the Holy Spirit is convicting your spouse in a thousands different ways about "Going Home." Going back home to their Lord and then going home to their families! God is doing miracles everyday! Thank Him for all that you do not see that is being done this very day by your Lord. Praise the Lord for all that He is doing in ALL the prodigals hearts!

"Nothing is impossible with God." Mark 10:27

In Nehemiah, God did a miracle by rebuilding a wall in 52 days that was destroyed. Are you willing to rebuild your home? God can rebuild
and restore a marriage if we will do like Nehemiah did. Go to God,ask Him to rebuild your marriage on the solid rock of Jesus Christ.
Allow God to show you His plan in rebuilding your home, one brick at a time. Anything worth having takes time and perseverance. You are not only rebuilding your home for you, your spouse and for your children, but for generations to come!

Throughout the Bible God did miracles in the Old and New Testament. Noah built an ark to save his family. Moses was used by God to part
the Red Sea. Joshua had the priests carry the ark of the covenant taking the first steps into the Jordan as its waters were overflowing, but the water stood up in a heap. In Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were thrown into the furnace seven times hotter than usual
and then God sent his angel who rescued his servants. As we read the Bible, we see God doing miracles for His people from Genesis to
Revelation.

What should you do to receive and believe for your miracles of restoration for your marriage?

Step 1: Never give up!

Step 2: Focus on your Lord God. Remember your covenant wedding vows.

Step 3: Step into the Water. Believe in God's mighty power.

Step 4: Trust God - Take steps of faith.

Step 5: A faith walk IS a difficult walk. Develop perseverance.

Step 6: Stand on the 3000 plus promises in the Word of God.

Step 7: Do not panic. Problems are part of life.

Step 8: Believe and expect the promises will become a reality.

Step 9: Keep a clean heart and a renewed, focused mind.

Step 10: Be in the perfect will of God.

Step 11: Live in obedience.

Today start beleving, praying and expecting your miracle for your marriage!

Lately, I like to run or read. Just busy with the party (Had 10 8-9 year old girls running around the place). Then after supper, I just couldn't get motivated to get on the treadmill. But see, now with a little more guidance from Mark, I will be learning a little more, so I guess I could say that I did do something for myself...

Are you buying any of this?

Your boys are mounting and moving onward. It's nice to see. I really like the Steelers.