Hi Queenie,

Ok, I'm going to spin you're last comment on you...

Is it posible that he has no real insentive, as he knows you'll be ther for him? Has he been conditioned to know that if he holds back long enough he knows you'll come around?

Just a thought.

Without a doubt.

And all the messages I have EVER sent him since this happened is I love you, I want you to come home, I miss you, it was my fault, blah, blah.

Right after he told me he was staying with her because it was something I had said (of course it was), I said, well should I move on and he said yes. He even told me when we went to California that I would NEVER get anyone as good as him. I think he almost said, I would never meet anyone else because no one would want me, but he fortunately didn't because that really would have lasted a long time in me.

But the day I confronted him when he brought OW over to house, he even said that us being together was a possibility. So, absolutely he thinks I am hanging on and Plan A has reinforced that over and over again.

So, my Plan B has to really be about me completely moving on and willing to walk away from my M and let him truly understand I am done. And then not only am I dark, but I go black.

What do you think?

Not only that he has NO RESPECT for me and pretty much loves to treat me like a pile of .....

He says he wants me to be happy, but that's a lie. He just doesn't believe that anyone else would want me and I will just stay at home crying and waiting for him.

It's the lack of backbone and tolerance I have shown. At least I think so. I have no clue what goes on in his mind. That is ONE PLACE that is too ucky even for me. Especially after this morning.

I still have some Plan A left in me and I will go out with a bang, mark my words. I just haven't figured it out.

The only other inconvenience for him is that I am still paying for his cell phone on our plan.

I will need to get that back, won't I. And he will have to get his own plan. I won't be able to look up his calls anymore, but he will also have an expense he isn't suffering from now.

There goes that stinkin' thinkin' again. You contradict yourself by saying in the 1st paragraph what he's thinking and then in the 2nd paragraph you say you have no clue.

Stop doing that. You do not know what's going on in his mind and it's really not for you to know. Take your focus off what HE'S thinking and put it on what YOU'RE doing. What he does or thinks right now does not matter as long as he's a wayward.

Girl, you are so ready for Plan B. I hate seeing you beat yourself up like this. You are better than that!!! You are an awesome woman who is growing daily. You are beautiful!

Now go find a mirror. Look in that a mirror and repeat... I am beautiful. I am a goddess. I am a woman of G-d. G-d is my strength!

Ok, my strength is weakening a bit. I just got off the phone with his best friend.

He talked to him for about 12 minutes and they talked about WH playing lacrosse, soccer and being in great shape. He doesn't talk to him about anything of importance. How can that be?

His BF told me that you could NEVER tell there was any turmoil going on in life. He is completely just normal. How can they do that?

What I did tell him, was that he was my only link essentially to my old H and that's why I wanted to talk to him. I told him that my H doesn't exist anymore. It was important to me, that BF know that I want my H to come home, that I love him deeply, that he is addicted to this relationship and that if EVER the opportunity came up where this was discussed or H showed any weakness to wanting to come home but was afraid of whatever, to please convey to my H that I wanted him home.

WH is supposed to call him over the weekend, will see what he does. But I can tell you that the BF is just shocked and completely blown away. There are no words of wisdom, that he can offer. I told him it was frustrating to me that there was NO ONE in his life who was willing to take him on and get him to see reality. What he said was, that probably at this point, doing something like that would do more harm than good. I understood.

I just reiterated that the door to coming home was not closed and I needed him to know that in case the opportunity ever came about.

I didn't slam WH, I just talked about how he has completely disconnected from his children's lives. He did say that maybe in a few years that their relationship might heal, but he even admitted that it could be too late and the damage would have already been done.

I had to do this, though it didn't do any good. I just want to cry...

Warrior Goddess,

PM is right, you're nemesis is not the alien that took over your H, it's the stinkin' thinkin'.

My F thought the same thing about my M, but she proved him wrong. He did tell me that when he saw that she could make it on her own, it got to him and lifted some of the fog. As time went by and he realized that we would be fine as a family without him that was like a 2x4.

You have all the strength and qualities you need to make it just fine without him, and I can't believe for a second that there is no one else that will see how truly special you are and treat you like the special person you are.
Read this thread of yours and see how many times people have made comments about who you have become.

Now your job is to believe it!!!

You are so right. I keep thinking this will change, but it won't until he stops being a WW and that saddens me.

Yes ma'm

Thank you PM..... For you, good luck this weekend, BUT only for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That's the work that I am doing tonight, to believe it. I vow that I am fighting through this. It's just the CORE belief inside of me. I am going to figure out where it started and DUMP it. Not to mention that I have been M to a man for 24 years who reinforced this stinkin thinkin in his mind games, by his tone of voice. That just doesn't go away.

Time is going by and we are for the most part fine without him. The kids don't want him, it's only me holding out hope. And it's been 8 months. He absolutely doesn't give a rip. However, I keep Plan Aing him to come home.

Plan B... is really my only hope. Not for him, but for me.. If he doesn't come home I have to build a new life. And Plan B is that new life.

Thank you TMTS.... Thank you

Ok, now I am having a little melt down..

I promise I will be ok.

Just I think I was just faking my strength just a little.

My OS and YS are going to be gone from home tonight. This is the 1st time I have been all alone at night and I am scared.

I've lost my keys at work and the person who gave them to me told me I will never make enough money to lose these keys.

So, I am saying a little prayer. Talking to G-d and hoping that you all are having a good day.

Hi Queenie-

Did you find your keys? I started praying as soon as I read your post.

Don't be scared to be home for one night by yourself. Enjoy not having to share the tv remote and watch as many channels as you want, or just watch a complete tv show without any surfing interruptions.

Play the music you like-as loud as you like-and then take a bath, with the door open. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Marvel that you have no dishes on the counter or in the sink that are waiting for the dishwasher fairy.

Eat a whole bag of microwave popcorn (fat free of course) if you want, knowing that you don't have to share.

Watch a silly or sappy DVD that your boys completely disapprove of because it's too girly. And while you are enjoying the evening, realize that the wonderful, noisy chaos of two boys at their age will return in just a few short hours.

Gee-it almost sounds like I've been in your shoes before. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
(well, not the part with the keys-at least not yet).

I like Brigette Jones's Diary. And My Big Fat Greek Wedding. After my 1st Dday in 2003 I think I watched them over and over and over for weeks....

SG... plan B can't come soon enough for you. Its extremely rare for us to hear someone say they regret plan B, but COMMON to hear they regret not going to Plan B sooner!

I'm beginning to think your WH was verbally and emotionally abusive your entire marriage. He's done quite a number on you.

What he told you was said specifically to 'keep you in your proper place.' Grrrr.. its these situations that just make my blood boil!

"WHY I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE IS ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD WHO WOULD WANT OR LOVE ME"

We all have felt like that after going through the awfulness of the betrayal of the one person who was supposed to love us.

But luckily, there are lots of men who would want and love you. If things don't work out with hubby, you will find them. I promise you that.

I don't believe he was verbally abusive as emotionally by the mind games and the way he said the words.

BUT in fairness to him, I certainly allowed it to happen. I am not being the victim, just taking ONLY my part of this and accepting only MY responsibility.

What a night this has been. It's 10:30 and no movies on tap for me, just to check in here and go be with G-d. Maybe do some writing, but I left my book in the car. Oh well.

I did what's called a timeline. It's way too long to explain what happened, and really the story or the meaning I made out of it doesn't matter, what matters is - my capacity to love comes from my Nana and I have to learn to accept it as a gift instead of a curse.

Literally my whole life has been spent trying to hide the feelings of love or giving it to the "wrong" people if you can put it that way. I learned early on it was my job to fix people, and that my loving them wasn't enough. And I made up all reasons why not. None of which were correct or my issue. It just was.

It wasn't my job to fix my parents and it wasn't my job to fix my H. I was caught in a never ending cycle, looking to them for love the way I am capable of loving people and my mom and dad just weren't able to. Not because they were bad people, but just because they were hurt people from their lives.

My sponsor told me tonight to surrender, the piece that was missing, and I am sure it seems obvious to you or maybe not was in order to surrender completely to G-d was to accept who I truly am, which is someone who loves passionately and deeply. My capacity to LOVE is a G-d given BLESSING. Part of loving this deeply is also accepting that I FEEL along with it and am vulnerable to being hurt, deep hurts. So for my whole life I "medicated" myself from myself because those who were in my life, weren't for their own reasons able to accept my ability or depth to love them. I didn't have that internal gauge to say it was them, and not me because it was always my job to fix someone. Get the sick circle?

So the quandry is, in order to become the woman G-d always envisioned iss to accept this depth of capacity to love and learn to cherish it and nurture it in a healthy way. That is what needs to be discovered. But I also have to know that part of discovering it will create situations where I am going to get hurt. Not because I am a bad person, but because I am a loving person.

What I knew, but didn't come to accept was that my H was a combination of my dad being emotionally bankrupt and my mother being totally narcissistic.

Where does that leave things. Where it BELONGS with G-d. And that's as far as I get tonight. With G-d and let G-d guide me now.

I'm truly exhausted.

You are right Believer, G-d will put someone in my life that I can love with all my heart in a healthy way because my gift of loving will be just that instead of a fixing it kind of deal. I hope that means my H because I do LOVE him. But G-d knows, I don't.

I just need to heal my heart and learn to cherish it as a gift instead of a curse.

My H was before he met me and continues to be someone very sick. What got released tonight was the reality of completely surrendering that he was NEVER my responsibility to fix and will NEVER BE. Only G-d can and will if my H seeks him out. I can pray for that, but in the end, it CAN
T be at the expense of me anymore.

No JT, I didn't find the keys. Which is a huge drag. But, I have to head down to work tomorrow for lacrosse practice, so I am going to pray about it first and then do the footwork for what I can do.

And oddly enough, I'm not scared at all, I am just at peace and want to be with G-d alone. How cool is that. G-d needs the quiet to heal me and I need to allow him. He has someone very special planned for my future. But he and I have lots of healing to do for myself before that can happen.

The journey begins...... and so does Plan B.... very soon.

Queenie,

That was awe inspiring! You are quickly finding that inner strength many of us already see in you. Congrats!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> thank you.

How are you tonight? Up late?

It's incredibly cool Queenie. You are truly in a place where you can hear God whisper "Be still and know that I am God"
(Ps 46:10). He will heal your heart and help you establish loving boundaries to protect it when that is what is needed, while still being able to share the gift of your capacity to love with strength and discernment.

You are a gift.

I will continue to pray about the keys.

Hi JT,

I am so looking forward to seeing you next weekend. You are very kind and thank you.

Yep, I am in a place to let him whisper to me.

Sleep tight, take care of yourself and know how special you are to me.

Love you and I will look for you tomorrow on here

Yep, started watching Harry Potter with the girls and they both fell asleep, So I though and come check what was going on.

LOL....

And anything going on?