SG

I don't have a lot of time, but wanted to pop in to give you a Plan A boost.

One thing that helped me stay focused in Plan A was thinking about a comment that Drac had said about wanting our relationship to be like it was "at the beginning". My initial response was, "hey, things change! Life happens and it can't always be like that".

Then, I came here and learned about Plan A and all of the MB principles and thought, "Heck, why wouldn't *I* want our R to be like it was at the beginning. It was GREAT!"

Then I went to work, thinking about what it was like, doing the ENs questionaire for him, and acting on those things.

So,,thinking in those kind of terms, what can you DO that would remind him of those days where YOU were his only desire? As was pointed out, you have the MEMORIES of your years together - - combine those with Plan A of making things like they were at the beginning of your R and meeting his needs and you can have one powerful Plan A!!

Hope this helps!

Good Morning Queenie,

Well I'm sorry I went to bed early last night; sounds like you need your #1 fan around. How do you comfort this kind of pain? It sits deep inside and lurks for a while until it decides that it wants to come out but gets caught in your throat. All you can do then is to let it our in your tears.

The fat and ugly routine, yep been there, done that, so I can relate that you think that there is not one person out there that can find you attractive or love you again.

I think we both know that this is hogwash. What if (and it's a big if) our WS are not the ones that G-d had meant for us? What if our WS were the mistake and we are actually being liberated?

It was said before but needs repeating - You WH and the crack addict are the losers here. You are nowhere near that category.

I hope that you can have a better day today. Let that GODDESS in you shine because we all know that she is in you.

Queenie,

Are you feeling any better this morning?

A Little something to make you feel better...

From the infamous Joe Cocker

You are so beautiful to me
You are so beautiful to me
Can't you see
Your everything I hoped for
Your everything I need
You are so beautiful to me

Such joy and happiness you bring
Such joy and happiness you bring
Like a dream
A guiding light that shines in the night
Heavens gift to me
You are so beautiful to me

(((SG)))

You really are doing well, don't let the things he -says- get you down. He's hurting and misery loves company. Don't let him drag you down into the pit with him. Someone's got to be standing there at the edge with a rope when he finally hits bottom and needs something to grab on to.

Then.. you'll get to decide whether or not to throw it.

Meanwhile, faith, and your walk with God will perfect your spirit and beautify you from within, well beyond any measure of worldly comliness.

Your opinion of your self worth is the starting point from which others will gauge your worth to them.. time to start setting that bar pretty high.. you are a -beautiful- individual. I don't need to see a picture to know that.

What's going on with you today?

You've gotta get out of this "I AM FAT AND UNDESIRABLE THINKING"...

The AFFAIR is not about LOOKS..it's how the OW makes him FEEL...it's the DRUG she's giving, REMEMBER...

HE WILL MISS HIS BEST FRIEND..I GUARANTEE YOU!!

Hi Mimi,

I don't know what was happening to me yesterday. I was doing so well and then all of a sudden when I spoke with my DD about OW's picture at his desk, it destroyed me. I think that and the fact it was 8 months D-day yesterday.

I think the fact that the weight loss has slowed up so much is getting me down.

No, I think I forget its the DRUG she is giving him. I keep thinking it's an EN that she is giving him and I am busy trying to figure it out so I can meet it. See what I mean?

I'm going to hold you to this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just feel like I am in a holding pattern on Plan A and I should be doing something, but I don't know what that would be. Does that make sense?

Thank you everyone so much for your kinds words and support. Without a doubt, I need to concentrate on my self-esteem more. This is SO HARD for me, but I WILL overcome it and do IT.....

SG,
I haven't read all of your story, but just a few pages and I have to say that I know how you feel. I remember the visuals and wishing I could erase my memory as I lay there at night contemplating if I even wanted to live. I remember thinking that this was harder than death. At least if he were dead, I could mourn and get through it, but having to know that he chose the OW over me was just unbearable. Skins, YOU WILL get through this. I just can't say this strong enough - when you feel your lowest, you MUST press into God like never before.

Don't forget the same spirit that raised Jesus from the dead, lives inside of you. That is SO SO powerful!! And don't say anything bad about yourself anymore. When you go through a time like this, its almost like you are able to tap into that power at an entire new level. The bible says that when we are weak, God's strength actually multiplies within us. In other words, the weaker we are, the stronger He is.

I know right now through all these horrific emotions, there might be days you just have to fake it until you can start to believe it in your heart, and that is okay. Sooner or later the good feelings and thoughts will outweigh the bad.

Believe in that and you will one day be FREE of these crippling thoughts.
xo
Free

Thank you Free,

That helps alot. It's just HARD and so UNNATURAL.

I have read some of your thread and there is so many similar emotions and crap.

We can hold each other up. I have to just remember what Mimi says - NO STINKIN THINKIN....

It will be my undoing.....

Hey Bugs,

Thanks for the Plan A boost. I really think this is something I need to work on. I feel like my plan is floundering. I'm not sure where to concetrate my efforts or what do with respect to HIM.

Part of the challenge though is, back in the early days our ENTIRE relationship revolved around DRUGS and he was the ONE who did EVERYTHING for me. He was so in love with me I NEVER did anything to feed that.

So I am in a weird position of having to create that without him wanting me to. See what I mean, what do you think?

SG,

I can't believe that during your entire marriage, that you didn't do ANYTHING to feed his love,,,to meet his ENs. Come on, THINK!

Go past the 'drug days'. You 2 shared much more than that. What are some of his favorite things? What does he like to do? What does he talk about most? What animates his voice & posture when he's talking about it? What things has he complimented you on in the past?

Have you done the ENs questions for him?

I have to tell you, I loved doing Plan A. It's really hard for me to be in Plan B and it's even hard to sometimes read or coach someone in Plan A. To be honest, it hurts me sometimes.

So,,,,, if I can come here and try to coach you - I KNOW you can come up with some ideas and answers!!! I have faith iny you!

Queenie,

Psalm 25...

Psalm 57...

Isaiah 57:14-19

Psalm 5:11-12

Mark

Bugs I must have read what you wrote differently. I read it as what did I do in the beginning of our relationship.

If you are talking about all the years together, oh my goodness the skies the limit and I have been doing that, I have addressed and followed through on as many EN's as I possibly can during my Plan A that started in November. I think I needed reinforcement to keep Plan A up for as long as I can until Plan B. I got lost as to what I was doing, does that make sense? Absolutely I know him better than anyone else on what my H likes and dislikes.

Since I had hit diminishing returns I was floundering on what to do. So thanks for the boost and the direction.

He NEVER complimented me on ANYTHING, EVER. It just wasn't him. He hated makeup, he only wanted me to lose weight, but now he NEVER compliments me on my weight loss. He doesn't say anything positive to me about anything and in a way, really never did. Just that he loved me. Oh, he loves my eyes.

I have done the EN questionaire for him. But he limits how much contact I have with him that I am running out of ideas. I'll come back and post what they are when I can think more clearly and maybe you can give me some ideas?

Thanks Mark, I will read them when I get home tonight.

We lost internet at work and home yesterday, very weird.

I need to take YS to physical therapy and then get to work.

Happy Wednesday everyone.....

Wasn't he saying that he would come over last weekend BUT you wouldn't be at home?

He's not gonna comment on the weight loss, NOW...

Which is pretty AMAZING, BTW..when I think of what you have accomplished, Queenie...

IT'S MAJOR!!

I would think you can't help but feel like A BRAND NEW PERSON...

Doesn't almost EVERYBODY relate to you DIFFERENTLY?

Oh my goodness,

I absolutely feel and look like a completely different person. Every where I go people comment on how happy I look and how much weight I have lost.

When I look at this in just terms of ME. It's a complete and total SUCCESS because I did these things for me.

He did say he WOULD come over. I can certainly call him and ask him if Sunday would work for him. I have no challenge doing that.

I just need your guidance in keeping me going with Plan Aing him and it's still ok to do. Does that make sense. BUT then I remember you saying, you can't do too much.

So, I guess it's back to sending the ecards.... bringing him gifts.... leaving messages on his phone... and thinking of whatever else I can think of to go out with a bang. RIGHT?

Personally, I feel awesome. Somehow, someway I have to figure out how to GET RID OF THE STINKIN THINKIN. TMTS, was right this will be my undoing.

I miss you Mimi..... How are you?

Actually when I get out of my stinking thinkin and am truly honest about what is happening around me....

Daily I get comments on how good I look. Daily....

I move around like I have lost more than 80 lbs. I feel like I have lost almost 300 lbs.

When I stop feeling sorry for myself, I CAN SEE the growth inside of me. I know the BLESSINGS, that have happened to me and most importantly G-d is my life. He is the one I live for and look to guidance. It's only when I feel sorry for myself I get into this stupid thinkin and rut.

Just hit me, ok. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So I need to bury the VICTIM and OWN who I am becoming which is an amzingly strong GODDESS.

I really love life, I am excited about how I am growing, I am excited about what the future can hold for me.

I just realized, I get lost when I think that I have to deal with the ucky hubby. I don't like him. And if I am totally honest with myself, my H really NEVER appreciated who I TRULY was. He spent most of our M life conforming me, controlling me and playing games with me.

I'm not used to those games and in a sick sick way feel lost without them, and yet I HATE THEM.

What is happening to me? Why can't I accept all the good that is happening to me and just be glad and thankful. I am a GOOD AND DESERVING person. I am changing and becoming who G-d wants me to be and its moving me farther away from my WH.

And this is where FAITH has to come in. Right?

I'm doing ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS! Thanks for asking!

I have even learned that COOKING a SPECIAL TREAT "Kills two birds with one stone"... meets the ADMIRATION NEED as well as that DOMESTIC NEED whatever...passing this tidbit on to you..

My H was SO THRILLED that I finally baked the POUND CAKE for him..which turned out delicious..thanks to Believer...he's been giving slices out to folks..they are APPRECIATIVE of HIM (which he LOVES) and then they tell him how LUCKY he is to have a WIFE who is such a GOOD COOK... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

In other words, LOOK FAB and TAKE THE GOODIES in to his WORK!! Insert a NOTE that he's still invited over for the weekend.

I am SO HAPPY for you....

I love hearing how you get to meet those NEEDS... with joy in your heart.

Mimi,

From what I was reading on that other thread about confronting the OW. Do you think I should call the OW and leave a message about telling her I am fighting for my M?

Would I leave a message or speak with her directly?

I didn't talk to her during PLAN A...except for when she cussed me out for spoiling their night of fun on D-Day.. It was just before PLAN B when I called her.. I don't think it's TIME yet for you to call her. You want to GO OUT of PLAN A with a POSITIVE BANG from HIS point of view. In your case, AT THIS POINT, this will likely gain his sympathy for her, she will use it as a an excuse to USE..you know the deal.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />