I would rethink living in my world.

Your's is so much happier and healthier.

But I am working on MINE and letting G-d CREATE IT.

No, Hon..

You're the QUEEN...We are ROYALTY...

WE live in the SAME WORLD...

Your WH DOES NOT..He lives with ALIENS...LOL...

Once again you are so RIGHT.

And my WORLD IS BETTER, because of YOU and so many others.

I'll keep you posted how the phone call goes today.

He LIVES in a WORLD where it's dark and with ALIENS.... I don't feel sorry for him. I feel empathy that he is LOSING so much time with HIS FAMILY and he has NO CLUE.

Here I am, completely exhausted from IC session and then AA meeting. What would the topic be, but One Day at a Time.

My YS just came in and told me he was talking to one of my DD best friends' from high school about life and what's happened to our family. I asked him if he has been talking to his dad, he said kinda in emails. Then he went on to say, that the reason he doesn't want to play lacrosse anymore is because it was only fun as a complete family or when dad was here. I asked him if he wanted to tell his dad that and he said no. He said he didn't care and shut down again.

What do I do? I deal with the sadness and anger and destruction that WH choices have caused. Is it my place to say anything to WH or would it even matter?

The children.... My children... your children. Please tell me they will be ok. I have this NEED to fix it and I CAN'T. I think I will just go pray to G-d because my old sponsor tells me that G-d doesn't have grandchildren.

Well, I called WH and left a message regarding the field, that it was great to hear his voice and I had something to talk to him about. I am really tired tonight, I didn't make cookies, but I think I will stop by tomorrow and just bring the CD's so he can see and smell me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mark, what are good prayers to say for the pain that is being caused the children.

Good Morning Queenie,

Be careful about this repressing of YSs feelings. This is what I did for years. Ask him how he feels and if you can answer ant questions he might have. He might be wondering what is going on, what you keep holding on to the M even though WH doesn't seem to care. I don't know, but the point is to encourage him by being open about what is happening. IMHO.

Good morning,

I am not trying to repress his feelings. I want all my children to open up and let them out, but they are just like their dad. They hold it deep inside. When I encourage them, they just say they don't care.

This is the hard part. From the beginning they were so angry at him, but they kept hoping that he would come home. When WH didn't contact them for so many weeks, they were truly hurt and reacted by not wanting to talk to him when WH finally showed some interest. Well that hurt WH and he pulled back.

Every opportunity I do get to express their feelings they just say that they dont' want him to come home. They have lost their best friend. I try to be honest and tell them I am trying to stand for my M and want their dad to come home. I love their dad no matter what. That their dad is going through a really tough period in his life.

But WH's action have demonstrated only that he doesn't care. I've reached out to WH to keep trying with the boys, and understand that they are HURT, but all he can say is that he is HURT.

I guess it's totally frustrating because no one seems to want to understand how BADLY my children miss their dad, no the WH and they want him to come home. WH isn't helping because he is so caught up in his selfishness and what he wants that he is pushing them farther away.

Its a vicious circle and I don't know what to do, but pray and leave it with G-d. I can't fix this. As hard as it is for me, I can't do it.

Sorry Queenie, I didn't mean to imply that you were a factor in repressing his feelings. What I'm saying is that this is something he will do on his own. You're doing what needs to be done from the sounds of it, and being there for them, but I can tell you from my experience that I wasn't going to share a thing unless somebody tried to drag it out of me. I repressed my feelings so deep that I'm not sure that someone trying would have got through. In my case it started bugging me really a few years later and that's when the big mistake was made. By then my folks were back together, so we didn't bring up the past, so I repressed it again. I think that if I had gone to IC at that time I could have saved myself allot of grief. so my suggestion to you is to keep doing what your doing and never let this subject become something that you all forget about and don't discus anymore because it may only really affect him down the road.

Gotcha...

Did you want your dad to come home at the time? Or were you so angry?

How long were your parents split up again, did they D?

Ok, at work and am I about to get into trouble. Darn... I got ratted out by someone that I trusted.

On to better stuff. I went to visit WH. I think it was the closest to H that I have seen in a VERY LONG time. I asked him how he was doing and he said ok. Of course it was all about work and the troubles he was having, but there was something different about him.

I spent about half an hour with him, talking about as much as I could cram in. The boys, his sports, etc. He asked me where the sell of the house was going and I told him, I didn't know. He asked if there were people even looking at him, I told him yes, I had talked to a few of them.

Then I told him that I was looking into buying a fixer up house and then including HIM as US. I asked him what would be most important to me, and do you know that he started answering. I think you could have blown me over with a feather. I reminded him of our best times were when we remodeled and he said something sarcastic, I glossed over it and looked him straight in the eye and said how good those times were. He actually agreed in a way. Then I asked him what would be most important to him, and he answered. He wants a shop to make things. I told him I wanted to help. He said I would get dirty, I told him I didn't have a problem with that and then said I looked good in new jeans and showed off my butt. He looked. LOL

And I didn't it again only pointing and referred to my hot butt. LOL. He just looked and smiled. He noticed.

He referred to "OUR" next house with me, I purposefully kept asking questions about it and even got him to hand shake with me on it and the type of house he wanted. He told me what was most important to him and I told him I would be looking around and getting back to him. He said ok.

I even talked to him about the children and a little information on the struggles they are having. He took it in, but isn't in a place to do anything about it.

However, the flip side, when he talks, he still refers to "WE". I just simply choose to not go there on this right now.

He agreed to come over tomorrow or Sunday. He still wants my help for lacrosse. And then he also told me that he is reading the book Wild At Heart. It was between that and another self help positive book. But he chose that, which I find interesting. It's reaching his adventurous need inside of him. We briefly touched on that.

Last time I saw him I noticed he had gained weight. Now he is bragging to me about how he is running on a treadmill that "we" got, and he is eating salads.

I touched his hands, rubbed up against him so he could smell me and then gave him a long hug, longer than normal. I told him I was looking forward to seeing him over the weekend and that I would keep him posted on the house.

I'm stunned. I can't get over how he referred to WE or Us a few times. What do you think? How should I handle this?

Oh, I left a note on his car saying it was nice to see him and I really needed his help with the boys and I appreciate him so much, and i was looking forward to seeing him.

Did I do ok?

PS - he LOVED the gift. Absolutely loved it and I looked awesome in black with a colored scarf. Actually I looked very chic and together....

Your assignment is to RUN..not WALK..to get yourself a copy of WILD AT HEART..it is NOT about ADVENTURE..it is about gaining an understanding of his MANHOOD and a GREAT BOOK..I'm IMPRESSED that your H is reading that book...VERY GOOD NEWS...

WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL STUFF during your visit...

VERY ENCOURAGING, I THINK...

In fact, I was thinking about what I learned from reading WILD AT HEART as you were discussing your sons...

I learned that BOYS/MENS don't typically express feelings the way we do and shouldn't be expected to...I remember my YS getting angry at my seeming expectation that he would EVIDENCE his SADNESS..which was clearly there to me...it is not the MAN thing to do...

Ditto what Mimi said. When I read that he was reading "Wild at Heart" I immediately thought isn't God good? Of all the books out there, he just happen to get his hands on that one (or it was placed in his hands). Amazing. Just amazing. This is very good news.

YOU GODDESS YOU..

The woman's version of WILD AT HEART is entitled CAPTIVATING...as you are....

Queenie:

I just HATE to see you put yourself down because you are truly REMARKABLE. You have so much STRENGTH and COURAGE. AMAZING!! Your WH can't help but ADMIRE and RESPECT you now...

My tennis shoes are on as I go running. I can pick up a copy tonight and read it over the weekend.

I was shocked to say the least when he kept talking about our next house. I kept going to see where it would take me and he kept right on going.

Do you think a WH is capable of understanding the bigger picture? Why impressed and what makes is so good? I'm a little dunce this morning.

I might add that I made sure he took that when he moved out. I put it in his stuff never really imagining he would read it. He actually read it a couple of years ago, but forgets. Should I ask him about how the book is going?

Why do you suppose he picked it up. Reading a book, something is weird with him. Not sure if there is a crack and the H is working or what. But there was definetly something different in him.

I happened to buy this book at Sam's Club a few weeks ago because I knew that hubby had this book and I hope that he would pick it up.

I'm working on my self esteem. I truly am.

It's NUTS..but it turns out that was my H's scenario..that he would PLAY around with his walk on the wild side UNTIL..he thought I would be sitting there waiting for him...

So plan on TALKING to him about how you will be setting him free until he comes home to you..that's what blew my H's mind...

You will also need to make it clear probably that you do not want a divorce but are wanting protect yourself financially..

Cause that was the thing with my H, too..he wanted to continue with an informal financial agreement..cause he was expecting to return EVENTUALLY...and not get a divorce...

I can't say that I understand that WAYWARD MINDSET..NUTS...

But your WH is certainly following my H's script...

Remember, my H found this house that we are living in and was wanting me to find a house that WE could live in together although he was still with the OW during those discussions...he didn't like the houses I found..so found this one.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So I say your next step is the face to face talk to him prior to the LSA...then proceed with PLAN B..if he is not agreeable to reconciliation or moving towards reconciliation..

I don't get it. Why would he, what have I done? I'm sorry for being so dunce, but I truly don't see the strength.

I'll acknowledge it once I see it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're obviously a RAY OF SUNSHINE compared to that CRACK HO.

He probably knows he needs to get away from that...but is trying to figure out what keeps him addicted to her..

So in a way, this is setting up my Plan B perfectly, isn't it?

What a gift from G-d.

This is the MOST hopeful thing you have ever SAID to me. Yeah..... I needed this.

Come on, Queenie...

Your H has abandoned you and your children. You have the courage and conviction to walk right into his workplace with a smile on your face,with gifts, holding your face up and engage him in conversation. I might be wrong but it takes a special person to be able to do that!!